It's a strange feeling
When you lose someone
Whether they die or walk away
It's all part of the same heartbreak

I slowly start to break down my walls
Little bits of me start pouring out
Swiftly but quickly into the mind of another
They ponder upon the thoughts
And seamlessly put back together the pieces for me
Slowly they do the same
I pack on more emotions and experiences than I can handle
But I feel the connection almost immediately
Every time we establish that connection
Things slowly get deeper
Then I get more invested
The more invested I am, the quicker I am to get attached
With time, I slowly start to pull myself away from people
It's easier to save myself than deal with the trauma
Even then.. slowly do I build the wall back up
To prepare myself just in case someone else comes along
Just so I could do it all over again

There's nothing quite like temporary happiness
For little moments, little spurts of time
You feel the fulfillment of your emptiness
As if things will shift and change for the better
But once that happiness is deflated
You have nowhere else to go
Except back to your emptiness
The temporary feeling
That comes and goes
And you're never prepared for it
Nor do you know if that happiness will stay for good

I got out of bed today.
Not because I had to.
But because I felt like I could.
Because today was the day I felt something positive.
I went downstairs and had a glass of water.
Then I went to my room, and cleaned it.
Then I separated my laundry, and ran a few loads through the washer/dryer.
I went into the bathroom and tidied it up.

Simple things that seem like clockwork.
I haven't been able to do lately.
No motivation, no care.
But today I had it.
Today I had the motivation, I cared.
It was something phenomenal I hadn't felt in a while.
Simple but phenomenal.
And to be honest I'm proud of myself for it.
Because for a while, I didn't think I'd ever feel like this again.

I've dealt with this for a long time
Ever since I was 13 years old
It was something I always did on my own
I struggled with talking to people
Because of the fear within me
Not one person knows how I truly feel
Trust was always the issue
But now I've accepted my demons
And the pain it ensues
One day I'll feel okay
Another day the world is crumbling at my feet
The burden I would leave on my family and friends
Is out of the question
I'm constantly afraid of how they would feel
Since I am the one who is meant to be the strongest
Right now I feel at my lowest
There are days when I feel confidence and glow
Most of the time now there's a hollowness to my soul
My greatest wish is to be able to speak of this
Out loud to those I love
Until then I shall use a different platform
Before I lose my sanity

I'm the type to create scenarios in my head
Whether they come true or not doesn't matter
I think about things that could and could not happen
Because I like to overthink
Thinking about the positive and negative gives me a chance
A chance to think about how things could go well
Or a chance to prepare for the worst
Sometimes it may seem like doing this is bad for you
But with my luck
You would understand
How everything is 50/50
It seems obvious but nothing is 60/40, 70/30, 20/80

I can't eat
Sleeping through the night
is almost impossible
My body feels heavy
Everything that I used to enjoy
seems useless

I know there's a name for it
But I don't want to say it
I can't come to terms with the thing
that I've been dealing with
since I was 13

For fear that no one believes me
I don't want to be seen as weak
And I'm not trying to seek attention
I just don't know what to do with myself

Something is wrong with me
And I'm not sure why
But I don't let it consume me like I used to
So it is what it is
I'm sure I'll get by