i spend my days
pouring myself into the cups of others

only to find that
when it’s time for myself
to take a sip

all that’s left
in my cup
is the remainder of a girl
who gave too much

lights flicker
in the distance
far far below

I’m here
looking down on it all
wrapped in a blanket
a book lies next to me
pages flipping themselves
in the cool summer breeze
inside are the sounds of life
outside are the sounds
of the questioning
the air is filled
with random notes
fluttering around me
like guardian angels
I know why they’re here

darkness
sat down
next to me
to keep me company
we look at the flickering lights
in the distance
he tells me
you’d do fine down there
if you wanted to
be a light
surrounded by light
but then he shifts his gaze
the moonlight
dancing through his being
but you’d do great
up there
be a light
where no one has dared to be
and with that
he left

I will not kiss the feet of the banker
For no desperation can trigger the sadder
Mother, father, it inn me ye shall pamper
I will not kiss the feet of that right-hander

I might not make it but I did my best
But you see only, seek only, the visions of a high-test
Told me to be like them, the rest
I might not make it because you made me a jest

I will not kiss the feet of your master
But I will make it for in my ego I must invest

When I try to put to words
the daily agony of living
I build a boundary wall of word bricks
I limit the reality of this ostensibly
embodied existence
For it is not solely contained
beneath my flesh
at the base of pores
knotted in bone.

It escapes me with every breath
Every word
Every salty tear
This pain of living palpates
Radiates
And to try to capture it in words
Suggests it can be caught
pinned down
identified, categorised, objectified
Subjected to investigation
Observation
Interrogation
When in fact it is elusive
Ethereal
Beautiful
Utterly terrible