I’ve written words since I found out that those graphite sticks
could form them and wrote my name
on the top of a kleenex box
when I was four.
I’ve written words since I learned that each one
held a meaning I could hear in my head.
I’ve written words since I realized that writing
releases them from my mind,
so that I can hear myself think.
I’ve written words because numbers run away from me,
just out of grasp, teasing me with
their teamwork and rigid cooperation
and parenthetical expressions.
I’ve written words never read by anyone,
words which embarrass with their frankness
words which I’ve burned thinking they would die.
I’ve written words which I longed to share
because they fit together better than numbers
and made my skin crawl with their
deliciousness.

I feel most at home
when my pencil is hitting the paper
or my fingers are hitting the keys

I write to have a voice
a voice that screams to be heard
a voice that has been crying out
for so long

I am no longer willing to sit in silence
I deserve to be heard
and I'll scream until someone listens

My pain has been overlooked
my words have been belittled
my voice has been hushed

But not for any longer

pink hearts and red flowers are easily handled
movie tickets and sun exposure
in the name of seeing one another
for a little bit longer

dinner dates and meeting my mother
holding each other for hour upon hour
under the impression that things
might be okay

and my ribcage is disappearing
underneath layers and layers of good intention
and i can feel the masks withering and cracking
and i am scared

When I see you
Instincts kick in
My anxiety pulls at my stomach
And I feel my body
Put everything it has
Into a wall to keep you out.
I learned from last time:
Love is not good, love will just break you.

So I keep it out.

Throwing and hurling cemet and bricks
Constantly building and repairing
stay out
Keep them out and you can't get hurt

But you,
You are patient.
You bring your chisel and with every word
You slowly put cracks into my walls
I can't keep you out and it scares me
You knew about the walls and understood
Still you waited
Chisel in hand
And you break them

Maybe soon I will break them with you
And let you in