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throbbing cancer of darkness
shaken from its seat in my heart and head

hate ends now
there is no place for you here
you deceived me with your promise of justice
your form made me sick

go
leave this place
you no longer have harbour here

#thisjourneyofdays
Written as part of a series - The Meditations #1 - #11, over three days at a silent spiritual retreat. more healing took place in three silent days that in three years of therapy. Go figure! Not there yet but it is a more productive work in progress.  #thisjourneyofdays
I forgive you

saying the words

feeling them in my heart

letting go of anger... pain...injury

still I cannot see you..face you...your person is too vile

you may never hear ...I forgive you... from my lips ...the intent is true nonetheless

my soul is freed now from the shackles of your torment

I wish you peace and strength to face your sin and the demons you unleashed on my life and make your account.
Written as part of a series - The Meditations #1 - #11, over three days at a silent spiritual retreat. more healing took place in three silent days that in three years of therapy. Go figure! Not there yet but it is a more productive work in progress.  #thisjourneyofdays
deep shadow
cool, quiet, removed and safe
from here observe... be numb
and recover
the longer i stay ...the less  i want to leave
it’s easier resting here in half light ...half life
it beckons ..dances and licks at the edges of shadow
not ready yet… please ...not yet...more time
shadows deepen...but light’s roar… i hear it… it won’t leave me alone

@journeyofdays
#thisjourneyofdays
this starting over
new routine
new each day...planning to keep level
to function
weigh up
making choices that are life giving ....not soul sapping ...everyday
self care …to live
to function
beyond breathing
this new reality


@journeyofdays
bone aching exhaustion
shuddering through the waves of pain and hurt breaking
over me...
breaking me
overwhelming this power
this relentless assault on my body...my mind...my soul…
tossing me onto rocks into places I do not want to go

fight it and sink

float and survive

@journeyofdays
I want you to teach me,
put the pencil in my hand and show me how to write.

Show me how to color the past instead of erasing it.

Teach me to love myself, In the way you love me.

Show me where I went wrong, then tell me to turn right.

Teach me smile more and cry a less.

Show me what I don't see,
Protect my eyes from what I shouldn't.

Make me laugh in the midst of my tears.

Teach me to forget why I was sad.

Show me how to conquer the pain.

Tell me what you want, and how you're gonna get it.

Show me why I should trust you,
Then,
teach me how.
Well, we were the History club rejects,
focusing on the effects
of being us
instead of in a book.

Two college drop-outs,
calling in shout-outs
to our friends,
hoping that it affected
how we looked.

Our dads would sleep in,
and our moms were crying
until a quarter past noon --
and we knew
if we didn't start trying,
that would be us, soon.

We were the starving artists,
painting fruit we couldn't afford.
Hoping each brushstroke of an artichoke
would be fruitful to our wallet,
or at least strike a chord.

Two love-loss orphans,
dreaming of morphing
into something or someone else.
But they told us
to remove that fluff
from our head
and put it on the shelves.

We were the film club fanatics,
studying the dynamics
of how to be a pretend person.
We wanted to be
a Wes Anderson flick,
but we were never any thing
other than who we were
and that's what made us sick.

And I swear I miss the desperation:
I'm nostalgic for yesterday's conversations.
Special thanks to Noah Baumbach for the title and the line.
pieces scattered
from Ohio to Florida
figments or fragments
who I used to be
my thoughts are scattered
my mind tries to find
parts and pieces
that were left behind
I could eat more than a thousand Ethiopians
while 500 starve
Sometimes i get a belly ache
that's the only time life is hard
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