Between that first moment
Of giddying dizzying
Infatuation and
Anticipation
And this one of
Debilitating disappointing
Despair and
Isolation
When did you flip
The switch?

Was my hand on it, too?

I don’t want to
Stay here in the dark
So I turn on
My own Light

C’mon now
We both know
This doesn’t make
Anything
Alright

I release thee, deliberately and gently setting on the breeze:

Crestfallen days of empty expanse blocked by the view of my lover’s stone wall.
The blame that creeps over my heart when I insist on weighting events using an algorithm of entitlement.
My lover’s fed up glare, this I implore - may it crush me never more.

I release thee, gladly setting free:

Expectations of my lover’s evolution or any change at all.
Counting. Any notion of counting between us falls away.
Needing my lover’s validation for my success, or even his understanding.

I release thee into the flow
Happy now to know
To believe the revelation
To release the pain
To forgive the hurt
Its purpose served

Love is like the sea -
I won’t hold on or mold its shape.
Each day we wake up new,
The world rages and fawns
Intricate interpersonal intrigue
Tender dynamics
Interspersed with
The reproduction of our living
Our children growing
Darling I commit to presence
I welcome what will grow
Now that I’ve let our decade of lessons go.

No-one, or maybe everyone
Writes about the empty,  gnawing
Loneliness inside us,
As we live next to each other
Refusing to open our hearts.

No-one ever says it: I need you.
Or maybe everyone does
All the time -
But since all of us
Feel the gnawing,
All if us need so much,
Who will be the first
To hear the lament, and
To reach out and touch
The other?

The hurt,  angry heart
Sees justice in its unwillingness to reach
In and release the latch
That would allow
The arm to rise and extend,
The heart to upend.
We all know the other doesn't
Deserve it.
We have been wronged,
Not they.

I don't know what else to say.
It's not fair, no.
But there is Absolutely
No other way.
Absolutely nobody is
Coming to save you today.  
The terrible pain you feel
Will not dissipate.
Until you understand how to
Push down the hateful
Side of Passion,
Release the love
Fueled by compassion
Not Pride.
Remember, your Lover is on your side.

Based on scientific study,
I can safely say -
You are Not an Island, so
Lift your arm and
Try to touch my shoulder today -
Or just ravish and devour me,
Kiss me and **** our cares away,
To make the deathly Loneliness
Finally, mercifully, fade away.

I give myself this hour
Just one small hour
I am free in my own mind

I’ll chain smoke
Until they’re gone
Lose everything I tried to find

Nothing’s wrong
Or everything is
I came clean, left it behind

Build a fort
Tunnel in
Can’t breathe but I have to hide

Betray myself, always myself
With weakness, vanity
And pride

Find myself
Never another
In this small kernel of life

The one I found
Buried here
A layer beneath
The sky

It's a recurring dream so
Terrifying and long
They are huge machines
But also some of them integrate as us
Or we collaborate with them
Or both
People are separated from each other
There are new things happening
In vast buildings
While other things stay the same
In burned out buildings
We huddle and hide and burrow
In attics and basements
We wait to fight
They're coming with
Flamethrowers, I did have
That vision so
I need to find the children
A guy in a bar wants to
-- I heard him right he wants to --
It's not you, **** it's good

And I'm still looking for you
The machines hover
Large explosions on horizons
Dusk in the huge back yard
Where it seems far away
But isn't so much anymore
And back in the city
Again looking for clean bathrooms
To tide us over
Until
Where are you
My lost children
Someone left
The back door
Open

In the city
Down long corridors
Across strange vistas
Up staircases and
In rooms of dark secrets
I look for you
And the children
And a place to hide

The calm life
Was a dream
Yes that was the dream
This being real
This being fear

I don’t want to hurt you
They say
As they do
The very ******* thing
That hurts
The most

Warm October night, a train passes
Rattling down the line as the last
Of the cicadias round out their
Valiant season -

I love you beyond reason

This tree will be shedding soon,
As will all the others that currently
Block our view of the Hancock Building
Whether we sit together or alone,
The frigid air will cut to the bone -

Your scent is like home

When it rains or snows, the one
Place I want to go is under the
Comforter with you, naked as we kiss and
You do what you do -

In moments stolen from so much Else, we struggle to keep up

I knew peace when we ran away together
You've given our children what
I never could,  I shouldn't say such things
But it's true -

*I meant it when I said I couldn't
Ever live without you

It does its trick
Makes me feel slick
**** the flaws
There are no laws here

You come behind me
Pet me and exhale softly
Push me forward on the bed
I bend over so happily

A little too much glee —
That earns me a spanking
Hard and it makes me —
Quiver, moan, and cream

When I hear Ben Harper
Cover ‘****** Healing’
At the Hollywood Bowl
Who else in all the world
Could I think of but you?

When I told you my darkest
****** crimes and wounds
You said I was made for you
And you were made for me

The years go by and the
Only thing, baby,
The only thing —
I’ll miss in the other
Dimension
When death
Inevitably do
Us part

Is the sacred moment
So immense
Sans pretense
Completely present
In the unique scent
Of our deliverance.

Not too long ago I was regretting
Not being more into prepping, but mostly
I was fretting that we wouldn’t agree
On who was the enemy —
When the time came to fight

Out there like in here,
Who’s to blame?
Could it be fifty-fifty?
You be red and I’ll be blue —
Roses and violets.
Let’s commit to non-violence.

I wish I were a robot
Beep boop, beep bop
Robots can't ****
Beep boop,  beep bop
Just thinking and processing
Beep boop, beep bop
No emotion!
How disgusting
*Beep boop, beep bop

I don’t know how to proceed
It seems you don’t need
My attention
Except the answers to
Basic questions like
Are you hungry?
To you, that’s care —
And I need to be fed, but
I don’t dare
Tell you what I’m hungry for

My educated, thoughtful, reasoned, and empassioned analysis
Is of no interest
No wonder I feel stupid
Telling you

My buxom, breathless, bothered, bewildered body
Trembles unseen underneath
Clothes worn like a shroud
Because you say goodnight
And walk out

Oh, the devastation! All you did was kiss me and close the door gently, leaving me alone in the dark. Others would **** for the things I have. You told me that.

Maybe it’s all in my head
Maybe your love isn’t dead
Maybe the spell took hold
Maybe when all is told
We will sit and look at the sea
Understanding each other and
Smiling - finally.

Suddenly!
Unexpectedly —
But admittedly within all odds —
My Master is here!

(Don’t stop yearning
Dreaming
Seeing —  
Yours might come, too)

You are beautiful
And loved
Here’s proof
He said

When I got on my knees
To take what was due
To submit and be led
The Master getting used to it, too

I felt it start to leave me
The pale dread
Of standing alone
In these flames
Holding bags of coal

When we got back
To the castle
You could see clear
Across the southern tip
Of the lake

The factory chimneys
Ready to burn
Lighting the room

Behind the city lights
When my Master comes
Tonight to
Make it right
And put this past to bed

With that red
Leather paddle
And! If I’m lucky!
His belt
As he pushes down
My head

Such is the landscape
Uneasily elated
This side of my soul

Sunbathing in his power
Not wanting it to end.

The beatings will continue
Until morale improves
You insist you don't know what this means
But since you're so good at
Inflicting this regime
I actually think you do.

All I wanted was your love,
I said I was languishing -
You said stop with the guilt trip
Ouch, I thought, words that sting

You're not going to **** me happy now
No, you're going to make me do it myself

How can I succed
Without betrayal?

What is death but
nothingness; when my
eyes are open
and my body soldiers on,
such beauty is all
I crave. Colors of the sky,
clean swept floors
and clear corners. I covet
not things just beauty
as a salve against
bleakness and
cruel disorder.

Be not
afraid of work, be
not afraid to start
thinking intricately
again.

I still need him (when the
dancing, lazy protest
ambles through the
lost downtown alley in
my soul where
fun is said
to reside) here, I need
him, always.

Fear shows me nothing
but symbiosis in
crisis a morbid
fixation of instinct
whose wolf-crying has
erased all
reality.

But there is nothing else to believe.

That seems to be the trouble
here with me;
there is no beauty left
in me for you to see.

You never lost me
As you like to say
You gave me up.
You drove away.
Now, you want to touch me
Even from afar
See me shining like a star -
Well , touch yourself
Come and come again
But I'm not yours
And you will not
Ride me
Or come inside me
Or chide me
For I am more powerful
Than you think
More beautiful!
And I don't shrink
From True Responsibility
On that, you could learn
From me -still.
If you take on this
Burden (first, admit it
Is one), you will see
The dissipation of anger
In my starry sea
Of sparkling emotion -
Passion -
Love -
All within me.
There is love for you there, and
With or without your devotion.
I have ocean and I have sea --

You can always come to see this and be happy.

But only the most
Horrible death
Would gIve you
Your dream, and
I fear there would
Not be much left of
'Us', you'd just be
Part of
My team.
What does that mean?

The fourty-four diamonds
In my ring
Should explain
Just about
Everything.

A Friend revealed
In a story meant for me:
Many, many small moments
That sometimes lead to
Longer moments
(Ah)
Is a good way to live
I wonder if he can show me
The implentation plan

Catch you on the
Blindside where your best
Tricks await me to take the wind
Right out of my sails and
Bait me to anger

You must not consider or
Really even think about or care
About my feelings but
You say you do and
Insist it is so
And so this
Makes
Sense in
Your world

That place where I’m searching
For your attention and reeling from
Condescension and the
Rejection created by
You and your priorities
Or is it the delivery
of your goodbyes
I don’t know
Anymore

I swear to God
(Please help me)
I was about to write a
Happy poem about
Signs and Wonders
Summer’s Cauldron and
Other delights — even
This morning with the waning gibbous Moon, as She likes to keep company
With the rising Sun — these few days a month their romance blooms

Like ours — there are moments
Even a ******* foundation, baby
You said so yourself and I
Don’t understand, never
Did get your way of
Negotiating
Connections
And I’m
Heartbroken
Today like a teen-
Aged girl who doesn’t yet
Know that this is the constant
State of Love, no fleeting passage of
Pain and whimsy tantrums like the
Ones well-fed toddlers have —
Those meltdowns the
******* likes of
Which you’ve
Never
Even
*******
Seen

Don’t worry, though, apart from
A few brutal texts to you to threaten
You with my venom and lies
You won’t hear from
Me I can’t dwell
Here in this
Bubble of
Nonsense
And Hurt
I’ll go to
No place
And be
Nobody
Again
Yes, ******* again
For the
Livelong Day

I'd rather be beaten
With Sticks and Stones
Than have to hear
The Words you've hurled
At me.
They stick to my skin -
Skin covered in sin -
Slimy with blood from all the battles
I did not win.

From now on, no-one gets in.
If you want permission to enter,
You'll have to find the key -
I threw it to the wind -
Wind howling in the light so dim.

Entitlement to the apology
likes to cry - O woe is me woe is me!
Hiding behind a stonewall tree -
your past and my present
raise their fists in triumph
while my heart crumbles,
bits of strength scattering
on the kitchen floor, while
gallons of the best
coffee merely stream
by the waste line.
Thoughts blipping -
nausea-inducing
twitches tripping the haywires. I'm ready
to escape now.
I don't want to stay
with the part of you that
refuses to be wrong.

Dear beloved poets,

Your and you're
Their and there
To and too
Breathe and breath

For the love of all things past, present, future and conditional, please take a moment to learn the difference! You'll feel awesome, I promise.

Who knows where
The heat goes when
It leaves my skin
And body cold

Nobody promised me
Anything

(Silence empty
Hollow ringing)

Desire takes peace
Out back to
Be shot

Still, it is all
I got now, just the
Liquid fire with
Furrowed brow
Holding the fort

I got burnt so badly
I shivered

(Sun scathing
Rough sailing)

Ah, the distance
I keep

The power I
Handed over
Just sits
Like a rock
On a flower

Crushing
You, me, and
Everyone in between.

They say you should
love yourself first,
before they remind
you of every
stupid decision you ever
made.

You spend too much
(when was the
last time you
congratulated me on
how much I earn?)

You complain too much
(you can never know
what I suffer in
silence)

Your mother is overbearing
(do you realize
that all our other
parents are dead, and that
sometimes, she is right?)

You are intolerant
(I may be as resilient as a
diamond, just not
as shiny)

You are unfit to be alone with the children
(except when
you leave me alone
with them)

I don't understand you
anymore. I'm locked outside
your door. I tried asking
for more love,
but you are too busy.

Too busy.

And it is almost too late.

I love myself very much.
Even when all you notice
about me is what
you hate.

As it turns out
Hide-and-seek
Is the game
So I hide all the
Troublesome parts:
Lust, despair and confounding
Passion -
And wait.
But you never came to seek.
This last time
I decided to stay hidden
In the hopes
You would notice my absence
And worry -
Perhaps miss me.
I keep my eyes closed
Most of the time, so
I can't see how beautiful you are
(The bright light
Blinds me in my cache).
Because as we all know
I am hidden in plain sight -
*Waiting day in and night
Out - yes - leave the night
Out, please -
I cannot abide the night.

I lost power when the storm hit
At first the rain was just a
Veiled rejection - not this time - so
I rallied and asked for
A different kind of more
Anyway, with nothing to lose;
They only said maybe and the full brunt
Of the sucker punch
Doubled me over as I hung up the phone.
They might give me nothing, in the end.
My work, my worth, my capital -
Creates more excuses than rewards.
And as for my love, my ***, my energy -
The capital of my soul?
You betrayed it when you let slip that
My story was mere noise to you
The intricate details of my path, my thoughts -
The actors I have described, even the ludicrous stage they play on
Just a wailing siren you tune out until it fades away
And you can hand me one of the generic pacifiers
You keep on hand for me
But I'd rather choke today

And so I sit with my value
My capital brims over, pours into the gutter
Until I turn it off, switch on autopilot instead
Do they not know I'm only half alive?
Do you not know all this passion is for you?
Not that it matters, or that they would care
And since you don't need me either,
I sit
And I stare

The heaviness of it
affects us all.
Some days we rally -
others, we fall,
either wailing or
writhing or
scrubbing, scrubbing
it all
away, only
to begin again
the very next day.
In vain can we
try to stem the
tide, the body's needs
and wastes are
the simplest truths
from which we
cannot hide.
Again we cry, we wail.
Again! To no avail.

Spin me like a top
I'm already dizzy so why not
Whichever way
I end up facing
I'll be looking at you
There's not a single vsta
On the horizon
Without you in it
But no matter
I can't see five feet
In front of me
Past the Qualifiers
You impose
In order for you
To love me

I fear my body of pain
It holds me, entranced
As I ache for my grandmothers'
Terrible endurance

I fear the rage
And the unlikeliness of
A just resolution or
Release from this sentence

Yet guilt weighs on my
Righteous indignation
For I am freer than 95%
Of the female population

(White and educated
Given "opportunity"
Ambitious and intelligent
All their hopes pinned on me)

But oh! the writhing!
The gnawing, piercing laughter
Of pain as heavy and intricate as the
Unattainable goal I'm after

(You can't make him understand
My mother told me, as my father looked away)

Use your strength and
They will brand you *****
A dog whose shining glory
Emanates from perky ****

Work horse and
Breadwinner
Emancipated drudge and
House cleaner

The body of pain
Writhes and seethes!
Yet he says - You're unattractive
When you don't aim to please

So I must smile
I must, I must!
He was nicer when
I aroused his lust

Will he love me then?
Will he set me free?
The body of pain howls -
*Never! Even monsters
Have to eat

I don't know how else to tell of despair
Except with a river of tears
Death and cruelty take over my lair
The sun no longer shines
The air does not smell sweet
The blue of the sky turns to ****-colored grey
And my eyes look so much older than my years
These tears stain your heart and ruin the day
They make their mark on my soul
And on your love for me take a deadly toll
Stop crying, you say
But it still hurts so much
So you must numb yourself
Do not crave his touch
Do not hope for much
Suicide we cannot condone
You cannot leave your children here alone
Sedate the tears away, and go through the motions
Whatever you do - STAY
That may be all you can do, today

I've made a promise
To no one but myself and
I ; *be invisible

Standing on the balcony
Holding her small hand
A velvet sky
Orion shining high
Her fragrant hair
Such wisdom in her chatter
She is our finest hour, my love.

Lust is a selfish genie
Part life force of the universe
Part energy of destruction
Depending on its subject - or
Object, actually,
In the heat of things, after all.
What else is beautiful
And ugly at the same time?
What else results in shameless highs
Alongside endless crying?
I may as well hate you
For all the passion I feel
And days like this —
When your allergy to feeling
Flares up, and I’m
Blindsided by
Indifference,
Its thudding push
Kicking up the
Tailspin into the
Thin-skinned nightmare, the
Bed of nails I built here,
Based on instructions received while
Growing up in a small-sized-traumatized-normal-American household —
Days like this oh yes you were right,
You are an unwitting victim
If my inability to cope with
What it is you’re
Not doing.
I don’t want to blame you
Or leave you so turn
Inward I must.
Away from the dream.

How will I set myself free?
Will you still be there, then, with me?
Sometimes choosing not
To care
To share
To dare
Is as freeing as falling in love,
And honestly **** that **** —
That’s reserved for me and you,
In a bubble
Somewhere far
From life — maybe the
Best Western aux Sables d’Olonne
Or Malibu, that one night —
I live there, for a time.
I am free in my own mind.

There are feelings,
And choices.
The kleptocracy wants us
All worn out on
Each others’ sleeves —
This makes it easier
To put us in platoons
And cubicles.
I’m learning what to choose.

The debris of a life
stacked up like so many
discarded curbside gems
I close the garage door
Take me, I'm yours
As I let go,
Gratefully

Has anyone
Listened to
Buffalo Springfield
Singing
For what it's worth
Lately?

What was it Marx
Said about history
Repeating itself -
The second time as farce?

What about the third
Time?
And all the times
After?

It's not a farce
When you're dead

Help has arrived
It came from within
What a surprise
To find I can win
Nothing is perfect
The fire is still there
You still confuse me
There’s still much to bear

Despite the shouting
The cruel, angry words
Your spirit does love me
My fears are absurd
What’s meant to be between us
Cannot be otherwise
We created it that way
Under Parisian skies

Fifteen years it took
For me to understand
The person you are
Your own kind of man
We may not agree
On much, from the start
Yet all is aligned
In our matters of heart

Us and Them
Synchronic and Diachronic
Private and Public
Primitive and Civilized
Love and Hate
Black and White
Cruel and Kind
In your Eyes
Left behind

There is no Noble Savage
There is no Civilized Man
There is only this burning energy
And Desire
And Love
And Dreams

Without your love,
I am nothing
*Please try to remember
Why we are here

Clear the calendar and fluff the pillows
Show all visitors to the door
Lift up my fist and smash all the mirrors
It's not going to be my fault anymore

Lay blame where blame is due
Detach myself from what was you
Love kills even when it's true
Time hurts and heals, too

And though this verse is uninspired
My mind and spirit give it tired
Permission to go wild
A rogue message to no one out there who cares

For there is no solution to sadness
Only the choice between
Strength and madness
And in between
A rebellious and deliberate sickness
A detoxification
A humming, buzzing
Refusal of all but the air

I wandered through the wilderness
Crying for release
I knew it, but didn't realize
I was already at peace

So cold, light but
Nothing warm
No cloud but always
Still the storm
No recourse and
Unfortunately
Still alarmed
Wrapped up
In a blanket
Today — unharmed
As of yet, but still
Gravely warned
Even so
Lavender light
Bathes bare arms

Take me away
Calgon or other
No more things
Such a bother
And a waste!
An abominable waste
Why did we ever?
Such a disgrace

Swirling in fear
Chaos is near
Fascists are looming
The West is burning
Rid me of possessions
Learn me a lesson
Practice handling
A trusted weapon

Not now, though!
All is still well
Intact, rat race
Overdue bill
Now see me here
Trembling and free
Have an adventure
With beautiful me
Take me to
That other place
Hold me tight
Fill me up
With your grace
Until it spills
Down my thigh
Lift me high
Hear me sigh
Until the world
Crashes and burns
We can stay here
Just taking turns

Speak to me not of lovers
Who hold each other close
Time is running short now
Speak to me of woes
Tell me your misfortunes
I’ve had enough of hearts
I’ve had enough of soft looks
And whispers in the dark
I’ve had enough of lying
I’m sick to death of tears
No more sense in trying
To unravel all these years
Speak to me of justice
Should such a thing exist
Speak to me of understanding
Miraculous — a myth
Out here on the launch pad
I’m destitute and lost
Speak to me of endings
Speak to me of cost
One thing is for certain
The wind pierces my sorrow
The water moves me
Forcefully towards
Visions of tomorrow
Whether you are there
Or not
Whether I’m alone
Matters not
It matters not
Up here on my throne
Speak to me of caution
Speak to me of blows
Speak to me not of lovers
Arms linked and moving slow
Speak to me of wisdom
And the courage to break
And grow

We are stardust in a unified field
There is no you and me
Even so, I love you

I practice loving myself daily
Though they make it hard
Love, and life itself having been commodified

Transformation is my self-love
Rebirth - it’s Spring!
My least favorite season
Songs of wishes raging

From Love comes constriction and
Pain that leaves no path backwards
Thrusting into the open
New again in the calm radiant silence

Even with death
Breathing its rankness in our faces
Slapping us on the cheek
Stinging our skin
And bringing hot tears

Even with death's
Cruel randomness
And bitter irony -
It's meaninglessness,
And brutal finality

There is nothing we can do
But love each other

But, as I continue to fail you
And you - and you -
As the poison in my soul
Seeps out to infect you all
And my endless tears
Annoy and upset you as they fall

As my strength dwindles
And my young skin wrinkles
I wait for the second wind
That will help me keep loving
Even with death
Even with death
Even with death
*Pushing me toward the edge

I want you
With me
In me
On me
Feeling
Burning
Tasting
Taking
Both of us
Purified
Entwined in
Liquid fire

Daily
Tasks
Work and feeding
Cleaning
Weeping
Tending, heeding
Still burning
Still opening
Dreaming, dreaming
Just one thing
Bringing healing

Doubts and
Judgment
Neglect and
Waste
Obligations
Reservations
Boredom
Haste
My heartbeat slows
Sadness
Overtakes

Inside me
All these
Fifteen years
Momento mori
Nostalgia
Need
To resist
Is futile
So I ride
I speed
Sometimes I’m wrong
Sometimes I bleed.

Don't you dare cry, it
Makes everything worse and it
Makes you look ugly