alexis

alexis Feb 2023

I am a vessel of veins and bones, a tumor of love that'll destroy any worth you give to me. Teeth like knifes that'll cut through any truth that you may believe. Call me baby, choke the life out of me until I feel alive. The heart that you hold is full of thorns, covered in paper mache so you can't see how ugly it really is.

It's pretty, isn't it?

I am a mountain that'll tumble rocks down on your hands so you're unable to pick me apart. Just like my broken morals, it'll be so uneven that you wonder why you ever believed that something so dangerous could be so beautiful -
they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and my eyes are as blue as the sky, deeper than the ocean ever will be. They'll pull you down until you can't breathe, inhaling water that feels just like love. My hands carving "I love you" into your back every night like it's a holy grail. Blood on the bed spring hiding all my good intentions like I had any to begin with -
It feels good, doesn't it? The agony, the pleasure I'm screaming into your ears.
It sounds lovely, doesn't it?
Almost believable, isn't it?

alexis Feb 2023

tandem

am I uncomfortable with myself or the people around me? if I tell you how I feel then the only thing that comes out are screams -

does it make it any less believable?

do I turn into the girl who cried wolf when I can't give you proof? i'd gladly show my veins nevertheless commit any sin for credence.
I began to ask the stars if the wounds I’ve given myself outweigh the times I've been abandoned or caused desolation to the things i love let alone touch.
they whispered to me -

"I don't think your resolve could ever be enough in this lifetime."

it started to rain.
I'm not sure if it came from the clouds above or rather my own eyes.

they all let go of my hands, only to be given the chance to surrender so they may save themselves from drowning in my maelstrom. we are humans after all, naturally born with the instinct to survive. they realize that the me they’ve come to know is as empty as my words seem to be, they disappear from view while every road leading to introspection seems to flood - I'm stranded in a convex over places I've submerged; watching in envy as the ones who chose to move forward are so far ahead now, maybe drowning would be better than being shipwrecked observing life go on without me.

the universe seems so arcane now

alexis Feb 2023

1.15.23

did I speak too softly?
did I laugh too deeply?
breathe too loudly?

were you too cold - the way that I was too cold? were you searching for warmth in my ribcage? I’m covered in frostbite.
I can’t stop shivering.

is my hair too long? did you wrap it around your fingers too tightly? It must’ve hurt. my shirt is tinged in red, the stains won’t wash out.
I can’t look at myself.

were my hands too soft pushing you away? I must’ve forgot to tell you that I’m not very strong. I guess you wanted to figure it out for yourself.
I can’t stop ripping the skin off my bones.

did you look too far into my eyes and drown? were you suffocating enough to forget who I was? is my fear that forgettable? could you not breathe after extinguishing the fire i built to warm myself?
smoke inhalation can be deadly. -

while you survived, I’m still in a coma.
I want to disappear.

“I fell in love with you while you were terrified”

#trauma #blame

alexis Feb 2023

never ending ******

do you think about dying? not the “I’m so tired of living” thoughts but the intrusive thoughts you get after a ****** or while dozing off into sleep; unwelcome scenarios of how life would be without you. flashing images of your son growing up without you; images of all the things you cherish not lying around your room because the room you’re in now doesn’t exist anymore. do you see yourself hovering above the ones you love or would you rather not see the world go on without you? is it regret? is it sadness? jealousy? do you forget for a moment that you’re still breathing?

alexis Jul 2021

empty

you’re magnificent and I’m a ******* with no understanding of how this world works - I’ll smoke a cigarette, maybe the smoke will make my lungs feel the way you once made my heart feel and this emptiness will drift out with what I’ve filled myself up with, maybe I’ll blow it in your face the way the world blew up in mine. hopefully it’ll take your breathe away till you suffocate.
suffocating doesn’t seem too bad when you’ve been dead your whole life but you don’t know how that feels, do you? lucky little boy with a lucky little life filled with everything you could ask for but nothing is ever good enough for a narcissist with a mind that fights you till you fight someone else. How foolish of me, I called that love. The bruises looked so beautiful to me, it made the suffocation feel like home -
My therapist said that I find home in every depreciating joke, every boy that hurts me, every drug that makes me fly. He told me that I’ve lost myself because my love isn’t alive. It’s buried in between my thighs.

alexis Apr 2021

paranoia

I get paranoid after throwing up my fears the night before, intoxication comes easy when you’re lost in the worries of not being enough. The whispering from my nightmares become real, their faces distort in disgust when they look at me and the weight of terror eats me alive.

#paranoid #disgust #nightmares

alexis Apr 2020

ptsd resembles you

before the darkness, when I was 5, my mother would **** me to sleep with her sullen lullabies. they were always about a woman who had nothing but self-hatred. her words were as haunting as my father seems to be and he’s been gone for 12 years. the woman my mother would softly sing about was this Demon she befriended at 16, named ****. **** was nice to her for awhile, maybe even a saving grace until she stole the happiness from her and dyed her life the dullest color. i figured it was a somber lullaby with a stronger meaning that no one but her could understand. ive had enough running into offices that smell like spoiled milk and blood. “It won’t **** you like you think it will”, mom always told me. she says this while looking at the decorations covering half her body along with my ****** hands, knees and bruised lips. your friend **** has a way of picking fights with you; making the walls at 3am rock like we’re on a boat during a storm, you’re trying to get saved by screaming their names while I’m laying here trying not to get sea sick from your abandonment. all I can hear now are your heartless moans of forever

I wrote this at 17. It’s old