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 Oct 2020 ashw
erin
what does it feel like to be held
not by another body
not by a set of limbs, a chest, a chin
but
by another soul

what does it feel like
to see truth in another pair of eyes
instead of hidden intentions
instead of absence

what does it feel like
to hear a familiar heartbeat
resounding next to your own
reaching through skin
through bone
two rhythms
indistinguishable

what does it feel like
to write poems about
a love that exists
 Oct 2020 ashw
Annie
Sometimes love and hate are hard to differentiate.
They both give me sensory overload,
Even when there is nothing to
touch
When there is nothing to
Hear.
Silence can turn into screaming when I think about you.
I am bound to go deaf.
i hate a good love, and i love a good hate
 Oct 2016 ashw
Ironatmosphere
on
 Oct 2016 ashw
Ironatmosphere
on
I switch on every light in my house
Making it glow like a star in the night
In the hope that you will find me
Or that the absence of darkness will make me feel
Less lonely
Less broken
Less like there is a hole in my chest
In the place where a heart should beat
 Mar 2016 ashw
Joe Cole
My Words
 Mar 2016 ashw
Joe Cole
My words are but a shooting star
To be seen in all its glory
But as shooting stars fade in an instant
So do my words to be read once
Then fade into obscurity
 Mar 2016 ashw
Ironatmosphere
Pills
 Mar 2016 ashw
Ironatmosphere
The pills have gotten easier to swallow
And my anxiety has gotten quieter
But the sadness is still there
Amplified
And I try not to cry in public
But there is always that one tear that escapes
A runaway
And I wish I could follow its lead
And escape this world
Escape the shackles of time
For what is the reason of existing?
If existing is all you do?
The skin wrapped so elegantly across these bones of mine
acts as a barrier
separating me from everything else,
as long as I keep my lips pressed firmly to each other
I can manage to prevent
spilling my guts
that's best for every one I think.
No matter how I yearn for the relief of pressure
when my heart tries to escape my chest
at best
and at least relive the flood of my thoughts.

I ought know
wearing this suit of skin isn't enough
glacial blue eyes are an open well
speaking of sorrow to anyone with
a decent pair of eyes to tell.
even my perfectly placed smiles
pale under that shadow.
the utter vastness of the loss I feel
reminds me how large I am
regardless of my frequency of meals.
the expanse in my chest is so immense
it seems I am tearing at every seam.
most every thing I have held dear,
slipping through the fraying tear.

voices from limited perspectives telling me how I ought to feel.
quivering with anticipation to mention
my over reaction to small things,
at small hills appearing in my waking dreams
as vast mountain ranges,
imagining tragedy in the  frame of my yesterdays
and through the lenses of life's strangeness;
preparing to head out with the Donner party
while you take stroll up a grassy knoll basket in hand,
while i'm measuring out my morality as meticulously as grains of sand,
and you
never once wondering the weight of all the other burdens I am carrying
and have carried try to tell me, i'm insane
for preparing for rain in dry summer heat.
with no one to share my pain.
I assure you i'm not insane
I just go through my life living as me.

but you have not lived the life I have lead
and dare not to spread the weight.
at worst,
I like to think of myself
As husk of skin wrapped around a strength unhindered by my physical size
existing out of the vastness within my emptying heart.
I will be alone to rejoice at my discovery.
there are a small number of things that can not be taken away
and it is those things I have discovered,
no weight can crush me.
I have carried the world on my frailest shoulder
I have been trapped and many have unloved me
but my chest still rises
in lows and highs
and no one has ever taken the endless opportunities
that dwell  deep within the days I have never seen,
but they come, and are always coming
they are the possibilities of things I have never even considered.
And while most days I feel I have not but withered and fallen farther from things
another piece of me fly's and rings.
godless or not I have found my faith.
welling up inside me trying slowly to fill this space.
to fill me with humanity.
I Have faith that things change, are always changing.
These feelings and this space will inevitably cease to exist as surly
as the way I miss the presence of my loved ones on this turning ball in space
my love will outlive that pain
and like so many other things
being lonely is a temporary state.
that is the strength within me.
life tested for durability
I will endure. I endure everything.
I often read this poem when I am really down. I often read this poem and feel challenged to write more things that highlight my strengths and paint me as a survivor. I am proud of all i have endured.
letting you go was ,
white knuckles, scar tissue
and the brutal messy dissection of my sense of self.
misdirection of my worth,
it hurt
harder than the rain on that old tin roof where
we shared secrets and quietly murmured prayers;
listening to the world burn;
clinging to one another while the world turned
so fast the centrifugal force put pressure on my heart,
while so delicately keeping me together
when i should have come apart,
Sometimes it was hard
Harder than the contact made
between dads face and the plait mom threw,
you ,
you and I , we knew,
and we grew up
turning over life's encounters like loose stones
pulling covers over our heads
as effective a defense mechanism as
dads mosaic of empty promises,
decorating that empting well of hope,
pretending like someone else could know me
like you know
the sound of my heart beat,
like it would beat when I was
so young
I still thought the sun would shine through rain most days
I stay up late watching
rain chase rain
on window sills
remembering your smile,
back when it was real.
Losing you was the hardest thing
and considering I can still see your face whenever I feel the urge
I guess it just made it harder to come to terms
with what I've learned these last few years,
No amount of toil nor tears will resurrect the girl
you were
before
you decided against yourself,
and shed your sense of consideration and selflessness
like layers of old skin,
spoiling your innocents with a resentment I can understand,
you turned to dust like ashes in my hand
And I will mourn you like all the pieces of myself that have died,
like the family and the home I have watched transcend me,
surpass me,
At last we can have peace.

I'm thankful now,
to have moved on.
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