if someone were to love me
I would never notice them
I would be too busy loving someone
who would never love me back

I think back to the few times we spent together and then I think back to how I glorified them
I created you as if you were the romantic interest in a rom-com
I made our story twist and turn, which made the dagger you stuck in me turn with it.
I created you as if you were my soulmate
as if I could feel what you were feeling from miles away
I created a story that had this false happy ending that someday, someway, we will end up together
Maybe walking down the streets of Manhattan we'd find each other or maybe in an old coffee shop while I'm working on my dissertation and you're on another tour
The last time we kissed I had this sudden realization.
You said to me, "what if you change your mind like you always do"
and I replied "It's been four years, I don't think I could"
We shared one last kiss and I couldn't feel the shape of your lips, I didn't crave your touch, I didn't want that moment to last forever
I felt that feeling I've had after kissing every other guy
this sense of nothingness that I thought only you could remedy
as I said those last words, I blew out the candles of our so-called love without realizing it
I saw this look in your eyes of fear, my brain started racing about why you would think I would lose interest in you
and then it clicked
you were worried because it was not you who I loved
I never loved you
I did, however, love the character I made you into
I loved the person I created
and when I realized you were not him...
Well, that's when it was all over.

I wanted late night phone calls
I wanted trips to the city
I wanted dinner dates
I wanted someone pretty
I wanted a man
I wanted the truth
I wanted good taste
I wanted a goof
I wanted ambition
I wanted so much
and once it was in front of me
I was delighted
but here's the catch-
I couldn't be with him
it would have been a consequential sin
so I shut my mouth
and I clenched my fists
I turned my head
and kept saying "I never wanted this"
and I believed it for a second
until I saw
him slipping away
and I had nothing at all
what I wanted was you
and when you came my way
I turned my head
because of "someday"

Four years I loved you
Four years you were all I had
Four years I dreamt of you
Four years I thought of you when I was sad
Four years I kept you
Four years I thought you were the one
Four years I  cried over you
Four years I thought I was finally done
Four years I confused your words with truth
Four years I put you on a pedestal
Four years I tried to make it work
Four years, for years, I loved you so.
Now I ask, where did that love go?

But if you change your mind
like you do
I'll never really feel like I have you.
if you change your mind
like you do
How can you expect me to let myself fall for you
if you change your mind
like you do
if we could hit rewind
and turn back time
I'd like to
but now we're here
it's crystal clear
that you could change your mind
one
thought at a time
like you do
so I must
imagine
my life without you
because you love me today
but I can't depend on if you'd love me tomorrow

Just friends, we say, as we kiss each other tenderly.
Just friends, we say, as we squeeze each other tight.
Just friends, we say, as we gaze into each others eyes.
Just friends, we say, as we turn off all the lights.

Your body is a sea I want to get lost in
Your eyes are a path that's too curios not to follow
Your hair is a silky blanket I can't help but to touch
Your voice is a sweet song I can't stop listening to
You're a bad habit I just can't quit.