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efni Jan 23
out of the endless darkness,
the day i begged for
finally happened

the sun came

the sun left

i never considered that the day
i see my first sunrise
is the day i see my first sunset

01.23.24
a continuation of a poem i published years ago: ‘the sun’

i was looking at the sky for a while
basking in star light
talking to the moon
i almost forgot it was still night

but the clouds served as a cruel reminder
that i never left the darkness
rather, it never left me
and the sun was never coming up
as far as i can see

the sun is never coming up

12.03.20

—-
for the first time in five years, i experienced happiness. true happiness that lasted 4 weeks. and for the first time in five years, i experienced the loss of happiness. the return to the dark. the sunset.
efni Jan 23
i know i can leave now, and i know how.
but, is it so wrong to visit?
is it so wrong to want to stay for a while?

i know it was my prison, i begged for escape
but, i haven't found new refuge
i haven't made anywhere else my home

it's the only home i've ever known.

01.23.24
my sadness just doesn't know how to let go. unfortunately, neither do i. i'm sorry, i want to be sad again tonight. but just for tonight. is that so wrong?
efni Jan 23
my thoughts pour out messily
spilling out from the loose grip
i have on my reality, like
the glass of ***** from my
limp hands, gentle grasp

but then it all quiets for just a second
"i want to die," i think.

oh. i want to die?
oh! i want to die!

the familiar desire rang in my mind
like the echo of an old lover

finally something i understand
finally something i know.

01.23.24
i know i'm getting better but it's all so unfamiliar. healing isn't linear, right?
i didn't expect to be so comforted by that thought. a thought i once knew so well. the thought i couldn't escape, embraces me tonight
efni Jan 19
i'm sorry for my cold staring
in response to
your fondness of me

my mother could only ever
love me in code
when she could at all

i spent my life decrypting it
and i'm afraid
i'll spend the rest of my life
trying to decode
all the love i will ever know

19.01.24
my mother struggles to love me. my mother struggled to love me
my mother could only ever love me in code, when she could at all..
  Jan 17 efni
Liz
When I first felt used,
My light and warmth abused,
By grips mostly loose,
I was three years younger than you.

But getting better ain’t forgetting
And I’ve got no right to complain,
I volunteered this body, this heart
To be set ablaze.

Carved by my grandmothers,
Hollywood lit my fire.
The kiss of an Irish boy by the bay
Sent me on my way.

Now I need to be needed
Until they need me too much.
Then they turn me black and blue
And call it love.

I didn’t know love needed
So much blood.

Now I’m growing up.
At 26, I still don’t know love
That you don’t need to beg for,
You don’t need to bleed for,
And you’ll never be too much.

I still don’t know what it feels like
Not to flinch at the first touch.
I know it might never come,
But with you it was close enough.

I didn’t know love needed,
So much blood.
efni Jan 16
see all my bones are broken
underneath my porcelain skin
i am chained to the ceiling of happiness
something i will never reach

hanging at the mercy of my thoughts
at the mercy of the horrors
beating me endlessly endlessly endlessly

see all my bones are pulverised
i am dust beneath my flesh
cut too deep and i may float away in the wind
cut too deep and i may disappear

01.15.24
drunk write
why won't it stop.
  Jan 16 efni
emnabee
The poet lives two lives.
One on the outside,
And one in their mind.

When you look in their eyes
You could see an abyss.

If you looked long enough
You could sink into it.

But most people don’t see it.

Take the time to read the words, though,
And you would know for sure.

The poet lives in two different worlds.
A little escape from the madness.
Or maybe, into.
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