Im not going to pause my life
just to keep you in it

I've been watching our reruns on repeat
And it's not a comfort show anymore

Like the story was over and we shouldn't have been renewed for season four

I can make him a friend
And this isn't the end

It's a way forward for us
A way to maintain the trust
And the foundation and care
That has always been there

He's not the guy I fell in love with
But he's the best friend I've had
Even as I fought that feeling of
Being in a fairy tale or myth

It's a way forward for me
A way to forge my own path
To find my person at last
And still know him instead of flee

Sometimes I simply can't breathe
Or that's what it feels like to me

And he's not here anymore to point out
That if I can talk to him I'm breathing
That the loud noise in my ears is the air
Rushing in and punching out

He's not here anymore to remind me
It's my mind playing tricks and
Perception is key and its
Just my anxiety

I need to shower.
I need to brush my teeth.
I need to clean my suits.
I need to try.

For so long I stayed undiagnosed
Because it didnt affect my daily life

But without even realizing i was
Taking a turn i got worse than even those times i was seeing someone every week
Just to feel alive

Feeling nothing was dangerous
And he saw that in me
And made it his job to poke
And **** and evoke
Any feeling

For the record
I didn't know we were keeping
I always loved you

And for the record
I didn't know we were keeping
If I hurt you
You hurt me too

And for the record
I didn't know we were keeping
You may have hated my mind
But I hated you

Because I loved you
But I couldn't say a thing
Because you loved her
And you and I were
Something

I think love may be finding that perfect little thing to show someone you've been listening
and that you were thinking of them

And if that's love
I hope one day
I stop finding
those perfect
little things
for him