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victoria Apr 2023
Its 1983 and I'm home from school sitting cross legged on the carpet in my perfect place, where I could sky watch all night long, and the autumn sun rays shone through the branches of our front garden blossom tree, into our living room, illuminating a patch of carpet where I believed a whole other world existed. Call me crazy, a lot of people do, but I used to truly believe there were other tiny worlds on each carpet strand. Complete with microscopic creatures or miniscule humans like Fairies. All living in fluffy homes with pets and pretty clothes.

A wide sunbeam would light up the specks of dust giving a brown sipea tinge, and I would try to catch each one in my tiny hands whilst I sat counting until you came home each evening.
My older brother told me that dust is just old human skin, mainly from the dead, in his attempt for me to stop breathing, but it just made me want it more. I wanted to breathe in each person's history as a part of me - maybe then I wouldn't feel so alone.

The scent of our old sofa, the glass corner that housed your whisky and Café Creme cigars. I'd trace the pattern for hours of the embroidered vines, their flowers and leaves that were immortalised under the pane. Destined to remain as the day of manufacture. Dark green, homely, comforting.
The surrounding fabric that faded with the daylight and all the New Years Eve parties that my parents threw, filling my sunken heart with a helium like euphoria
Those that I tried but failed to count down the days for
Where the adults would age backwards
Just for a few hours
Forget they had husbands, wives and young children
And my brain would fizz with an uncapped frenzied elation, from the smoke filled lights and music, that would bewray my constant sadness

The turntable blaring out ABBA, Billy Joel, Meatloaf, sounds of the sixties and all the music I now associate with happiness.
Our mothers swaying to Dancing Queen, nostalgic sadness seeping from their white wine eyes and aging skin. But oh they were so beautiful.

Me and my best friend would creep down from my bedroom and hide under the party table which was clothed in a long, crisp white Christmas fabric. We'd steel nuts, sausage rolls, fizzy pop and half eaten pork pies.
Dressed as Mickey and Minney mouse in our reversible sweat tops so indicative of the 80s

I knew right then, that my life would be altered by substances and acquaintances of the night
How I adored the chaos, the energy, the laughter and looseness of it all. Everyone smoked back then, completely care free and drank whatever was lying around, blissfully unaware that it would catch up with them one day, everything always does, in the end.
Our liquor cabinet had the most intoxicating scent.
When no one was around, I'd stick my head in and sit with my face pressed up against the bottles. I loved all the bright labels and colours. I would pick up the crystal glasses one by one and pretend to sip all ladylike the way they did in films, my little finger held out as i mimed imaginary conversations.
"How do you do?"
"Yes I enjoyed the show immensely"
"I'd just love to host next year's party, do come" 
I felt so grown up.

But an average evening saw me sat upon your knee, swinging my 7 year old legs, blissfully happy and loving you as fiercely as I feared you. You'd make my puppets come alive and i really believed.
I still do.
You were magic to me. I adored you.

It's a Wednesday night, which was MAS*H night and in 1983 the final episode played with 105.9 million watching. Too young in years to appreciate the tear in your eye, I watched blissfully unaware, just so happy to be sat up late with the adults.
I'd give anything to go back to that night, just for a few minutes. I'd warn you that in just a few years everything would end. That both our worlds would dissolve and within the sediment, a great heartbreak would settle in and live unwanted forever.
That we needed to spend every second together making memories.
Oh the innocence of it.

I'm sitting here  now, thinking about that night, about my fears, about our sofa and about you.
As Hawkeye and the Korean war fills my screen night after night, my eyes fill with you.
What happened to us?
Why did you let go of my hand?
The saddest day of my entire life

But I never stopped loving you, not for a single heart beat and I'm grateful for these memories that fill my pages, meaningless to anyone else, but meaning the world to me.
Some say you don't deserve my love.
They say you were less than a father.
They're wrong.
I'm ashamed to say that i don't often defend you.
But I declare it here, now.
On this page right this second
That you were everything I could've dreamed of
That the first eleven years of my life were so much more than I can ever articulate.
And how much I thank you for being my daddy...
I missed you
I miss you still.

(RIP 01/12/2018)
victoria Dec 2021
Poem,

A big part of someone's everything;

He is the magnet that draws back the tears
Until it safe for them to spill
and drop to his finger tips gently
although, against my will

I wrote of him one day when my mind was still
Sent the words to those that believed
That within a mind so troublesome
Sunshine, would be conceived

A moth, I made of myself
As a flame he became in my eyes
And as I burnt the tips of my wings
From their ashes I knew I'd survive

He is missed, deep beneath
where my heart meets my soul
Where my madness is tamed by his light
And his stitches make me whole

Broken parts of memory remind me
Of a time before he was near
When my skin wore an insanity
Parading to those who came near

There are people that keep us graceful
And journeys that make us whole
And a presence that can't been seen
But when felt, can fill the hole

His stitching gives me strength
To wear my older pain with pride
I can live, I can love, I can survive
As long as nearby, he resides.
victoria Nov 2017
Addicted

If I’m not addicted to Facebook
I’m addicted to a poetry site

If I’m not addicted to alcohol
I’m addicted to any azipam

If I’m not addicted to tattoos
I’m addicted to ***

If I’m not addicted to the sky
I’m addicted to reading

If I’m not addicted to shopping
I’m addicted to tinder

If I’m not addicted to exercise
I’m addicted to food

If I’m not addicted to staying thin
I’m addicted to cutting my hair

If I’m not addicted to AC/DC
I’m addicted to Leonard Cohen

If I’m not addicted to writing
I’m addicted to procrastinating

If I’m not addicted to the beach
I’m addicted to my bed

If I’m not addicted to you
I’m addicted to someone else

If I’m not addicted to something
Then I’m not happy being un-addicted....

In the words of a song I love dearly...
addicted
“I’ve never met a ****** that I didn’t like”

Many of us are addicts.... it’s how we survive ❤️
victoria Jan 2018
Dripping from fingertips
Laid out bare
Lifeless
Drained
Heartbroken stare

A beauty witnessed
by all but you
Hidden
Pushed back
Inside out view

Dawn is waking
As they carry you away
Lost
Broken
Empty where you lay
Suicide, written about death by slitting wrists
Age
victoria Jan 2019
Age
A lifetime of aging
A head full of knowledge
A heart heavy with regrets

Time cannot be slowed
Knowledge is never saturated
With time the heart forgets
Hope
victoria Oct 2017
Don’t adore me

She let them walk beside her, but she couldn't let them in.
Not since that first one, who'd crawled under her skin.

She did give in from time to time, even let them lay by her side.
Her body wrapped around their skin but her love she had to hide.

Their attempts to adore her, made her heart grow further cold.
As she'd known from that very day, that alone she would grow old.
victoria Jul 2021
And I sat on the shore
Watching the families
The mothers greatness and deep love
Fathers fountains of knowledge and abundance of affection

And I wondered

What if I'd have been chosen
To be a mother
To care for a child
My child
A million times more than I'd ever cared for myself

What if the mountains had realised that I too was strong enough of heart
Brave enough of soul
Overflowing with courage of the ocean
Capable to create a bond
Never to be broken

What if I'd been gifted a child
A moment so precious, tender
Instead of the loss
Empty womb
Dark spaces
Always checking
what I may have forgotten
something missing
Never awoken

I've learnt to catch the water from my eyes
and replenish the sea
Strong tears are needed
For the heart to be free

Never knowing is destruction
Always wondering is pain
Emptiness is darkness
But I've learnt to smile
In these moments of rain
Infertility is a ****** some days
victoria Sep 2017
Their voices call to every atom of you, they're never to resist.
Their musical tones, their faces kind, the amber behind the mist.
The tips of their wings, wave silently below, their beautiful form beneath the turquoise glow.

Their pull is so intense, you won't believe how strong, begging you to join them, down deep where you belong.

You're desolate and desperate, you can't believe your mind. The wanting you feel to join with them, to see what lies behind.

They promise you eternal life, all you need is trust. But someone shouts you from the shore, you turn around, you must.
victoria Feb 2018
Hands sweaty
Heart racing
Hope has run away
Fear crippling
Lungs gasping
Anxiety’s here to stay

Head spinning
Stomach swimming
Rational thinking dead
Need a drink
Need a pill
Need to leave my head

Chest tight
Too scared to fight
Breathing not a choice
Vision blurred
Mind impaired
Can not find my voice
victoria Jan 2018
Even when the last star ceases to shine
And the moon is hidden in the dull of the night
I will still love you

Even when the moon demands the ocean waves cease to roll
And Neptune cries into the darkness
I will still love you

Even when Mother Earth sends her anger up to the surface
And all in her path burns to the ground
I will still love you

Because my love for you is beyond harm
It is stronger than the ocean, tougher than the moon, too clever for nature’s anger and
unlike this broken world, my love is eternal
victoria Jan 2018
For my love  

If someone asked me where I lived, I’d reply that I lived within you
If they asked me for a location, I’d say wherever your heart resides

If they asked me where I was born, I’d tell them that I was born from a part of you
If they asked what part, I’d reply both your heart and your soul

If they asked me where I’d like to live out my days
I’d sing to them that my days were only to be close by your side
And when they asked where I like to die, I’d simply reply within your warm loving arms.
victoria Jan 2018
A poor girl and a curse

From ponytails to cigarettes
From dolls to *******
From teddy bears to teenage ***
From sweetness to insane

At age sixteen
her body worn out
She couldn’t see the damage
The years of what she
thought was fun
A living hell so savage

“Too many men”
Bellowed the nurse
“Too many drugs”
A poor girl and a curse
Too much pain
Upon her soul
Forever young
Never to grow old
victoria Nov 2017
A puppet for your release

The first conscious breath of morning
A tiny sweet yawn to welcome the day
A long stretch under the sheets to feel my bones that already ache for you

Many hours to be filled before you arrive yourself to me
I lie still and the beauty of your not-so-handsome face appears in my heart
I adore you and your rough behaviour
Your heart cares nothing for mine
Yet mine wants to wrap yours up and show it that I am worth more

That look you send to my core when all you see me as
is a vessel
The desperate want you have to fill me up
I wonder if you close your eyes and think of her
Then I wonder not
You wouldn’t have been so rough
So dismissive of her
You loved her

Yet still
The excitement begins to creep from my heart and crawls down between my thighs
My yearning for you comes from a part of me of which I do not understand
You are all that is wrong
You leave me feeling incomplete
When all I yearn for is completion

My day will fill with any distraction
Deep breaths to prevent my pounding heart
Deep meditation to try and
Understand why I let myself
Be used
One text and you’ve cancelled
Just a puppet for your release
victoria Jul 2018
Arachnophobia

I want to live in nature
I want to travel the world
I want to live in a forest and hold hands with Mother Earth

But I have arachnophobia
My phobia is so strong that I’ve turned down jobs, trips to beautiful places even dinner parties at known spider houses!!
victoria May 2020
Theres a place in hell
for people like you
But not the hell that some
believe to be true
The hell they think of
is full of desire
Dark angels of lust
And ****** in fire

No this is a hell
You truly deserve
Chained to your past
And the hurt that you served
Cause your ego was ******
And you couldn't decide
If the lies that you told
We're wrong or where right

People like you should be burried alive
With only your guilt and the secrets you hide
You deserve to die with your heart molten black
With only your sin
And the clothes on your back

If I was a god and you came to me true
With reasons, excuses for all that you do
I'd laugh in your face and spit on your feet
And pray with my soul that the devil you meet

You think you're the devil?
You have no idea
The devil throws parties you wouldn't go near
The devil I've talked with a couple of times
Your not even close
You wouldn't survive

So continue to be, a **** if you must
But you're being watched
You are vile
You disgust
Close your eyes to the pain
That you made to be true
But know
Really know
That pain will **** you.
victoria Oct 2017
My father
Sick of motor neurones
And holes in the aorta
Has made a decision
Full of heartache and pain
I support
I understand
But the darkness has returned

He has started the journey
The process has begun
I will be by his side
I will hold his hand
I will fight back my tears
My aching heart will stay hidden
But the darkness will come too

I must be brave
For him I must stay strong
He will be frightened
He won't know what will happen
After he has left his body
Does he still believe in God
I'm not sure
I should ask him
I wonder if darkness has got him too.
I guess a lot of poetry will come from me during this heartbreaking time that lies ahead....
victoria Sep 2021
Climbing up the sides
Reaching for clarity
The pills vacate my blood
Withdrawal is insanity

Scratching at the walls
As they close behind my eyes
Swimming in tsunamis
Ripping tides
Muffle my cries

A temporary bandaid
To stitch over the pain
Every second
every day
My body rendered
Trapped
Detained

I relent
And they rock me gently
As I slip into a dream
Where I can run, jump and dance
Not break and bleed at the seems

But the body needs to rest
From these soul destroying treats
So I'll abstain
Refrain
Remain
True turmoil
No easy feat

Then a week has passed by
And the world regains familiarity
A deep breath
And a stretch to the sun
Full of possibilities
And new clarity....
victoria Oct 2017
At first I weep

Finally awoken
the light flickers brightly
Seeing for the first time
through the eyes of her elder
I'd waited for what seemed an eternity
for my inner child to reach out to me

At first I weep
for the longing is over and finally
after all these years
I can set her free

She is now sleeping
the deepest since before I left her
Abandoned her
Before I pushed her behind my pain and trapped her
******* and gagged her
My ears muffled with a loudness
That I set to the highest level
I didn't want to hear her cries

I thought I was protecting her
From the pain I had predicted
Ahead for me
I had seen my future
There was no love that awaited me
I was thirteen years old
What could I have known

Now we have spoken
And embraced
Forgiven my crime to her
I can see
That if I'd let her inside me
Listened to her heart
Along time ago
I could have been free
I left my inner child, when I was just a child
victoria Oct 2017
A wish.

Walk me under the moonlight Dance with me beneath the stars.
Kiss me under of the night sky, beneath Jupiter and Mars.

Swim by me in the ocean,
Sail with me through the waves.
Run with my hand in your hand.
Through waterfalls and caves.

Guide me along the winding roads.
Lead me into the light
Carry me across mountains
With snowfall crisp and white.

Lie with me under the sunshine,
Roll with me in the hay.
Search with me for happiness
In each and every day.

Time apart is therapy, to have different stories to share.
But the best stories I'll have to tell,
Are the ones when you were there.
victoria Jan 2020
Title; A young girl and a curse

What page are we on?
What number did she say?
"Ssssh stop asking questions"
"Be quiet"
"Go away"

Can you repeat the question please?
Could you demonstrate?
"Stop fooling around girl"
"We've moved on"
"You're just too late"

I can't quiet the words
The red it hurts my mind
"Up late watching TV
Were you?"
-"I'm guessing not mastermind!"

Please don't make fun of me
You'll only make it worse
"You'll have to learn to cope, child"
A YOUNG GIRL AND A CURSE
Dyslexia
victoria Jun 2019
Barren home

Something is missing?
Again
Had she forgotten something?
Keys?
Phone?
An appointment?
Had she turned off the cooker?
The oven?
Check
Check
Check

Can’t shake off the feeling
Her barren stomach
Un-filled with joy
Always monthly bleeding

Grabbing
Punching
Mocking her womb
Useless body
Empty tomb

Desperation choking her
Never to love her own
No bond with a pure and undamaged soul
Her womb an infertile home
Im unable to have children. Some days all I see are pregnant women everywhere
victoria Feb 2018
Dark devil

We hide in your shadow
As the day light summons the night
the street lights caress your ora
As you begin your choreographed flight

We dance upon your footprints
Smudged glitter upon our skin
Twisting and jumping in great delight
Saving our minds from deep within

We’ve waited patiently with our angels
For your greatness to appear
We yearn for the balance of your darkness
Within us no thoughts of fear

Our angels fall back in time
for now you are our master
Our dark minds now return
We jump high
we jump far
we run faster.
Light and dark complicated complimented
victoria Jan 2022
Be careful of your words
For as they fall, they manifest
In the heart of the receiver
Who's emotionally undressed

Forever a disappointment
Eternally desperate to prove
As piece by piece they realise
If not perfect.............they lose.

Persistence hangs as stalactites
To please, to please, to please
But failure to get it perfect
The pain is never released

Be careful of your words
For as they fall, they manifest
In the heart of the receiver
Who's emotionally undressed
victoria Oct 2017
Begin again

She held on too tightly, white knuckles shining through the blackest of nights, that returned with such venom, that she stung to her very core.

The shades came crashing down and the pull of the night dragged her curious mind back into her past. A past that was so familiar, it had become a second skin.
Stretching over her lightness, an eclipse, of which escape seemed too far out of reach.

Surrounded by her friends she was still alone. The wall she'd built,  towered above and was too high; There were days when it's bricks were cemented together with fear and jealousy. A black, sticky mass that no love could pass through.

She had to find her way back to the lightness. No longer could she endure. For she had felt the lightness that tugged at her soul and she dared to believe. Dared to hope

She fought until her knuckles and elbows bled with an angry, frustrated but knowing love.

She fought until just breathing and stillness were all she could summon from inside herself

And in this breathing and stillness she found her quiet mind. A mind so strong that it grasped her from dark to light in a single heart beat. Just as it had stolen the light away only hours before.

She would return to darkness time after time. She had accepted this.

But now she was loved, and she loved.
And this love would always pull her back....
victoria Sep 2017
She was strong now.
She stood taller than the mountain that once towered above,
where down on her knees,
she used to pray.

The days she'd knelt down and curled away from the light,
were a distant memory.
Now the light flooded her,
until the tips of her fingers fizzed
with the new life she held inside her soul.

She'd written away the fear from deep of inside herself.
She'd written until all the ink, in all the pens she owned had run dry.
Until her fingers bled and her mind emptied.

She stretched out and then she held on tightly to the love that now engulfed her,
and she smiled.

A small joy had revealed itself and she danced to the sound of long awaited relief.

She was now the mountain.
She would endure all weathers. She would house those in need. She would search deeper inside of herself,
of her heart and she would become kinder,
more understanding,
and would bestow more love.

There were still times when she had to fight.
Times during the storms,
when she just wanted to let go and return to the old familiar patterns,
and the safety of her old misery.

But she did not return,
not fully.
And she knows she never will.

Love is the answer ❤
victoria Apr 2021
Best friend poem

And just as I felt myself fall
as the tears fell hard to the floor
and my heart unraveled it's stitches
And crawled out under the door

Instinctively you just know
That everything isn't ok
That life has forgotten to love me
So you pick up the phone and say...

The words they come easy
Like my favourite book to read
Familiar, fun and carefree
And finally I can breathe

And my heart returns with a new beat
As my smile turns wide as the sea
Because I'm your Thelma
And you're my Louise
And that's how it will always be...

(But without the suicide 😂)
victoria Jan 2018
I play both roles of us
Whilst lying back on my bed
I make believe you’re lying
within the sheets and the dreams in my head

A few moments and I am lost
In the vision of you and I
Then the ****** ends
Reality sets in
My loneliness returns to cry
victoria Jul 2018
Broad bean

I wish I was a broad bean
All cozy warm and safe
Wrapped up in soft fluffy white
A place to hide my face

I wish I was a broad bean
Growing bigger beneath the sun
Chatting with the other beans
Relaxing having fun

I wish I was a broad bean
My only purpose in life
To be as tasty as I can be
Then eaten with a fork and knife
Just messing around
victoria May 2019
*** cheeks

Sometimes I see my life slide away and get stuck
Like the hair that slides down your back in the shower and gets stuck between your *** cheeks

But I love to pull that hair out and toss into the bin
So time and time again I pull the hairy bits of my life out of the cheeks of this world
And toss them into lord knows where....
But at least they’re away from me!
Over sharing???
victoria Sep 2017
How does one dress for Brighton
I really can't figure it out
One minute I'm dressed for rain
Next minute the sun has come out

How does one dress for Brighton
Bright rainbows the colours of Pride
Or blues, greens and whites
Like the waves and the sea so wide

How does one dress for Brighton
Im unsure of the weather today
I think I'll just wear whatever I want
Take my new coat, and go out to play
Cj
victoria Mar 2018
Cj
My angel boy

I’m drowning in you
I can’t stop the flood
Brain is scrambled
Blood starts to thud

You’re under my skin
You seep deep inside
I shield my love
But my soul I can’t hide

You encompass my heart
You engulf my mind
I’m lost without your love
Without you I am blind
victoria Oct 2017
Hello my dear
My faithful friend
You've been away for so long
Come in,
Come in
I'm sorry the door was closed

Would you like some tea?
Can I slice you some cake?
Take a look in the biscuit tin
I always keep your favourites in

I'd hate for you to show up
To an increasingly barren home
With nothing to feed upon
So I've been busy baking

I baked a little self love
and sprinkled it with plenty of hope
I know how hope is the one you love to sink your rotten teeth into first.

I creatively mixed up the ingredients for self belief
Had to go to three markets to find them
They weren't easy to combine but the result was almost happiness

I can't wait to watch you chew them up, spit them out and re-bake them into self doubt
You're so clever!

Since you're here now, back in my kitchen,
You can use my hands to knead the dough
My oven to bake your heavy leaden, self loathing loaf
The one you know I'm drawn to

And I promise from today
The door will be left on the latch....
He's back....
victoria Jul 2019
My tv remains half awake switched to standby
So my loneliness can find herself still asleep
Dad
victoria Jul 2018
Dad
Dad

Go gently to your resting place
Go knowing that you were loved
Go with the Heavenly Father
Go watch over us from above

I know this is a better place for you
I know your body will be free
From the pain and frustration you had on earth
Where finally you can just be

Be able to walk, run and jump
Be able to speak at will
Be free from all restrictions
Be free from all the pills

God will have a beautiful garden
For you to tend and help thrive
I know this was your strength on Earth
It’s what helped you stay alive

Go gently to your resting place
Go knowing that you were loved
Go with the Heavenly Father
Go watch over us from above
Dad wanted to go to dignitas in Switzerland but sadly the paper work wasn’t finalised before the motor neurones took over his ability to go... he’s very very sick now after 2 strokes so I’ve been asked to write a poem for his funeral... it’s still in draft form so I may change it, especially the gardening bit... his garden is what kept him going
victoria Oct 2017
Discovering Dauphne

Reading Du Maurier as my mother once before me

I feel cheated that in my midlife
This now my first discovery
I weep at the complex beauty within the first page
I read and re-read and re-read and again
I want these letters that form these words to penetrate and reside within my soul

I feel saddened for my lack of knowledge
For my laziness and lack of wanting to escape through words in my previous years

I feel anger for the years of substance use to take me out of myself
Why has Daphne been kept hidden I ask?
She understands me!
If there is she, then more alike there must be.

I leave regret, usually, for those who don't understand it's teachings
With Du Maurier I experience a new and crippling regret
I feel betrayed by anyone who has lived within her words, her worlds and yet kept her hidden from my unquenchable thirst

At least time seems to be slowing down in my 'almost there' sobriety
More hours appear each day
to be filled between the sheets of each turning page.

Hello new world
Having just been diagnosed with dyslexia age 40... I'm only just discovering the world of words. I've been writing for less than a year and I'm excited to grow
victoria Jan 2018
So it’s been just one day since the death of Dolores.
Bitter sweet memories
I didn’t post anything at the time
Because I couldn’t
I was broken
The cranberries where the reason I sang (badly) and the reason I took up the drums (also badly)
I never sang into my hairbrush more with any other band, than I did with them.
I’m not big on mourning celebrities, I think it’s a bit weird but she wasn’t a celebrity, she was my hero and my childhood, my teenage years and my forever dreams.
I’ll never forget those mixed up, ****** up teenage years...

Freedom
Love
Experimentation
Pushing boundaries
Losing myself, my body and my mind
Good night my sweet Dolores
I understand ❤️
victoria Jan 2023
Poem: Empty where you lay

Two decades and one year
Ruptured by my heart

I watch
immobilised
as my frontal lobe detaches and slips out under my door
Too afraid of my agony
Of my actions performed in the darkness
It abandons me
Protecting the parts left attached
of the constant-

-What would you look like now?
Sound like now?
Would you be happy?
Lonely?
At peace with yourself?

Would you possess the heart of a warrior?
Or a peace maker?
Soul of angel?
Or just the mind of a poet?
                     ...............................
I apprehend your second chance of this life
It cracks my spine and spits out splintered regrets
The perfect parents you'll be given
Survival of the fittest
I pull at my lips to form a smile
Because I love you-
Because I know this is a better path for you

I gouge out my eyes
And push them inside my heart

Every space you occupied
Each song you sang
Every performance
I am there in another land
I've memorised every word
Felt every beat

On the pitch at football
Playing with friends
Twisted limbs
Tears hidden beneath my feet
Your first love
First broken heart
I feel them all.....

I fabricate your sadness
As I scream into the cave of my mind
I wretch and choke out for Aphrodite

But she is elsewhere, having cocktails with her Goddess companion, Isis,
in celebration of their latest triumphs
For those hand picked to fulfill their hearts desires
Who live without empty echos
And chaotic minds
Those with a stillness, percolated deep
Carrying auras of golden warmth
Mistaken by the humming bird as nature's
Glowing nectar

I fear those women more than anything in this-
my life
I run
So my jealousy remains caged
                     ............................
I find my frontal lobe at the bottom of a bottle
Sedated in sediment
My local pub say they'd go under without my custom
A weird, turbulent, symbiotic relationship
Gnawing into my desperation

If I were a Disney character
the film by now
nearing it's final scenes
There would be some joyful moral to my sadness
I'd be rescued from myself and live
happily ever after
No voids
No aches
No emptiness

But my scenes are a deadly, grave reality
My cheeks soaked with a desperation
To know
To feel
To love
The fight was lost before gender picked you
Not a fingernail nor strand of hair
for me to swallow
Nothing of you resides within me
Just an unknown
Silent wailing

Self punishment mocks my fragile mind
As it wills me to imagine your scent
Eyes burnt shut
Your shadow runs past freely
Faint laughter falls and stings my lobes
It belongs to you
I know it is you

Knees cracked
Praying for a God, any God
Stitch the fragments of my brain
Begging Aphrodite or her peers for a second chance
Any mythology will do
Desperation knows no limits

BUT NOTHING......................................

Just painful silence of empty echos
My womb forever
................................Empty where you lay.
victoria Dec 2017
Fading to dust

I dull you
I tarnish your shine
Your petals shy away
When I’m close by

You turn from the light
When I shade your eyes
You sour from sweet
As I **** you dry

You dim within my presence
Your vibrancy fades to dust
Hope slides under your door
And all because I can’t trust
This is how I can ruin relationships
victoria Mar 2018
Falling fear

Like swallowing glass
I begin to choke down
Your vicious notes
Though I fear their sound

Like fading in the sun
Like falling through a cloud
Impaled onto your sharpness
Left to bleed on the ground
victoria Jan 2018
I call upon the wind to steel you within its breeze
I call upon the angels to help you feel at ease

I call upon God to let you be released
I call upon your soul to let you rest in peace
victoria Jan 2018
The creek of my neck
A head tilt to the side
Movements oddly jolted
I’ve become zombified

The day you walked out
My vision was lost
I swore I’d not talk
Whatever the cost

My heart ceased to grow
And took along my soul
Refusing to remember
Or to grow old

But my fortieth year
brought something brand new
No longer felt sadness
attached to you

My whole world changed
The day you returned
A love that grew
A love we both earned

I’m hurt you are leaving
But this time I know
You’re not leaving me
You just have to go
My dad walked out when I was 11. We met 15 years later to talk. And boy did we talk. The lost love was found and 14 years later we are stronger than ever. But I’m losing him again as some of you know. His decision for assisted suicide is fast becoming a reality.... at least we had these last years together ❤️
victoria Feb 2020
Title; Feeding off their unhappiness

Drop
        drop
               drop
Bring your silver lined buckets
Catch and gather
Tears for collectors

Clink
        Clink
                 Clink
What's your preference
Sadness so valuable
Happiness now obsolete

Joy
    Joy
       Joy
Your contentment rising high
Filling your void
Empty buckets make you cry

Silence
            Silence
                        Silence
Too dry a day today
Happiness a comeback
Fill their buckets
Your tears of hate
victoria Oct 2017
Feeling cynical...

Would you like to journey with me to the sky
Do you yearn to touch the stars

Does your soul ache to be heavy with love
And would you bleed to have a full heart

Would you promise the devil whom you'd promise your soul
so you could dance with the beautiful and never get old

Would you trade your dreams for loves deepest kiss
Give away your fire
for a life of fake bliss

The stars a safer bet
they're easier to touch
Finding a love on the deepest level
Never turned out to be that much
victoria Mar 2018
And all of a sudden
Without even knowing
         This new love showed her...
That all the men
Who had broken her heart
          Had never deserved her....
victoria May 2021
And then there was the day
that Bukowski ruined my life
I'd have been a regular girl
Maybe made a good wife

But he got a hold of me
Then cynicism snatched my mind
He was almost beside me
Grabbing my behind

I'd gotten straight
I'd forgiven my past
Then incame Hank
So it didn't last

I'm on the level
No knives in MY skirt
The other girls they teach
How a man to hurt

But I was gone, just gone
I couldn't have destroyed you
The Gods had been good to you
The tracks had adored you

And within your words
I found no salvation
Just a world you'd flown from
Leaving only adoration

But I was born in 77
A 17 itch before you passed
Your life still an obsession
By loving an outcast

A rose garden
Whiskey
Typewriter
That's what you gave to me
You gave me thicker skin
Now
I'll write...
I'll  just be

#bukowski
Found Bukowski at age 43... This is a blessing, any younger and he'd have destroyed me
victoria Feb 2018
Freedom

I’ll never forget
The anger in your eyes
Filled with hatred
No thought to disguise

I went to buy milk
An innocent child
Your fury scared me
It felt wrong deep inside

Not an English owned shop
You spat in my face
Said I was a traitor
I was in disgrace

I knew from that day on
That I had to leave
That town so dark
Riddled with dis-ease

I’d never even noticed
Difference in colour of skin
Until you showed me
Such hatred from within

But I got away
And moved to a new life
Where people didn’t care
If you were black, purple or white
victoria Oct 2017
Give me the needle and thread I need,
to stitch my heart and stop the bleed.

Give me the cement to build the wall,
and feathers so soft to break my fall

Give me the fire to light the flame,
To burn what was, and start again.
victoria Jun 2021
If I don't have love
To hold onto my feet
I will fly too high and
forget how to land

But my feet need only
to be held lightly
So that I may still
flutter and dance

My wings need to be free
Clipping them only
dampens my spirit
But please hold softly
to my toes
So I know, that love
Waits near below.
victoria May 2018
What do you feel as you circle my mind?
The new happiness within me?
Or the love I’ve finally found?

I know that you’re waiting for parts of me to drop
Down onto the street
My mind for you to pick
Parts of my soul for you to eat

I watch you day after day and your song annoys me at the start.
Now it soothes me
Ive fallen for you hungry gulls
And your ever hungry hearts
There is always something or someone waiting for it to fail... if it’s not you, it’s something or someone else...
victoria Jun 2019
When I’m beside you
Like a warm break in the clouds
Alone I feel cold
My 2nd attempt at a Haiku
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