Were you scared,
Were you thinking clearly,
When you clearly believed that I was not,
Did anyone but you think to look twice,
At this eroded shell I lock in a vice,
Because I was half-dead when you asked me last
Whether I'd crossed a line to a black world,
Silver steel sharp threshold and ****** blue keys
And you're the only one who checks that I'm not planning to go
So I've convinced myself you're the only one who'd notice

Even though I know
I know that's not entirely true
But noticing is different to giving a ****

No, I take it back, I can't do this today,
I thought I could maybe get stronger but
I can't,
Get me out,
Get me out,
Please let me out,
Let me out of this, this, this
Nightmare, daydream, mind, body,
These clothes, this building,
This fear of death, this struggle of living...

I'm watching her play games on her phone and I'm smiling.

Little thing,
Reading in the corner
Isn't it more comfortable in there?
Little thing,
Complaining about the cold
With no jacket on
It's a cool morning
And I'm taking you out today
We’re back here,
The empty page should feel different,
But still, no-one seems to know
What we’re doing here?
I’ve climbed 50 cliffsides to get here,
These thousands of pages,
Like a book,
Like a room,
This is a hub of my mind,
I've always seen this -
Messengers running around,
Like mice, navigating a labyrinth,
We are all labrats here
In this
distortion
Of our own world -
I wonder if you'll see it that way
One day
Little thing,
Not yet quite aware
Of how much bigger the world is
Than you might have once thought,
Little thing,
Reading in the corner,
I bet you think your book is more interesting
Little thing,
I don't blame you for thinking that
Little thing,
It's not that I don't trust you in this world,
I just wish I could trust this world with you.

I don’t remember
I don’t remember
No one can remember who she is.
Didn’t this happen before?
White corridors, shopfronts, pink and yellow...
Didn’t this happen before?
I don’t remember
Turning around and, what happened?
She fell, everyone was screaming, and
Someone joked about it the next day

Wait, didn’t this happen months ago?
Why can I remember this conversation?

Why can’t I remember this conversation?

I don’t feel right.

She grabbed a chair. That’s new.
The person talking about it,
He’s wearing a hat.
That, that I remember
Why do I remember this?
Why don’t I remember this?
You’d think I’d remember this

Laughing,
I remember laughing,
Someone laughing,
I remember where I was,
But I wasn’t even there this time
i remember this room,
Or some room that looks the same,
I wasn’t sitting here,
I was standing over there
I don’t remember,
I don’t remember,
The memory is leaving me before I can focus
I saw a face,
I heard laughter,
That poor woman,
I don’t want to remember.

Two chains
One was a gift,
The other, I got myself.

One, a gift, a symbol
Of beauty, prettiness,
I wore it for a performance
I played the prettybird
Pink dress, purple legs,
It's just a performance
Perfect hair & pretty little dance,
It's just a performance

One, i chose, a symbol
Of movement, otherness,
I wear it always,
While I play the happy daughter
Grey pants, white shirt & tie,
It's just a performance.
Neat hair & infinite patience,
It's just a performance
Listening to lectures I've heard so many times I've rehearsed responding,
And you'll never know it's just a performance.

Remember walking through an unfamiliar town,
Knowing there is something on the other side,
But finding it harder to care...
Do you remember
Walking through that street,
With dry throat and fast breath,
With shivering hands,
And eyes that betray,
The past 2 hours are still fresh in the mind,
Cracked voices,
Lying to ourselves when we say
”it’s all going to be okay”
How strange, on a day so cloudy,
In the sky of this world,
And in the ocean of our minds,
Fog rising over the water and we can’t see beauty anymore...

How strange, to walk by a park and see
Children,
Playing their games without a care in the world.
How strange, to see
Passers-by look at the ambulance,
And laugh, probably wondering
What’s happened, will it be on the news?
Red hair and red face,
When we take seats on the empty train,
We sit in silence,
And I can’t help but wonder,
How could anyone find happiness here?

We live in our own world,
How strange,
Being in such a dark place,
Watching others dancing in the light,
They don’t even know your struggles
And how could they?
It seems so impossible to think
That no-one else knows
This is not a happy day.

Rainbows swirl around, a fever dream
Painted, polished on ceramic stone,
The shaking slows,
and I remember her,
Convulsing on the rocks,
Heart drops when we say "breathe!"
Wish no response -
2 minutes ago, a man asked,
We said she was fine
Now, we scream for help,
And he's the only face we see,
Running back up the mountain now,
she still won't breathe
And neither will I,
Until she gasps again
But still won't open her eyes.
For an hour or more we stay
By her side,
when she stops moving
The pitch creeps back into my voice,
Please-
Please just keep breathing -

The paramedics finally come,
Marching down the track,
And I find it hard to leave her.
We sit on the rocks, out of the way,
Until a man in blue leads the way up the mountain.
We sit at the top, I'm still numb
Another hour passes of silent panic,
And then here they finally come...

We walk to the station in silence,
We're all thinking of someone to blame
As I walk, I keep remembering-
How we're all saying we're fine,
But we echo her words from before.
How I shouldn't have let her drink that,
How she was fine until they told us to
     Hurry UP!

On the train, it feels quiet,
I have nothing to say.
At last, a phonecall -
she's going to be fine
And it's then that I remember,
How the last thing I heard her say was
        "Sorry"
And I could only whisper,
"It's not your fault"
And then we're all fine,
We're all happy - no.
I don't say anything,
I still can't think clearly,
It's a blur,
Just pictures now -
Her body on the rocks,
A voice, a scream for help,
A bearded, kind face,
Another girl in tears,
Hurried faces running away, away,
Always leaving,
There was no-one when she dropped,
And what if no-one had
Waited for her, for us,
Would she have died there?
Sounds, a heart dropping
Every minute, I'm stuck there,
On the "What if -",
Because everyone tells me
That it's fine now,
She's fine now, well
What if everything hadn't been okay?

This is mine
These crumbling walls,
Peeling paint
And faded gold statues
You put here
And it is mine,
I place flowers in every crack,
Spill dyes of the rainbow across all the walls,
You track mud across my floors and tell me to take better care
Of my temple
I scrub the floors as you leave
And look up at paintings I never loved
Taking them down, I sigh at the detailing on their frames,
See, I can appreciate how hard it is to make something
Even when I don’t like it
Someone else loved these paintings, I’m sure,
So do not come in here and condemn me
For taking them down
I am not destroying anything, this place is destroying itself
I cannot stay in a this building when it is falling apart,
Let me fix it
Leave me and let me fix it
I know how to build, let me fix it
Let me fix it
Let me fix it
I don’t care,
I don’t care,
Stop saying my body is a temple
When you do not see the damage done to it,
You cannot judge me wanting something done about it
I am not sick, I am not crazy, I am not out of my mind
I don’t care how beautiful you think it is,
I am breaking down
This is not a sickness.
This is a desire to redecorate.
Because this is not your temple.
This is mine.
These crumbling walls,
Peeling paint
And faded gold statues
You put here.
And it is mine to repair.

Deep & Growling,
Softly,
Taking steps that
Start to accelerate -
A tiptoe starts to become a sprint,
Through grass & dark overhanging branches,
desperation fills the lungs & red water,
Until a stone, something low turns a
Steady foot ******,
And sprint turns into
dead
halt

Rusty steel mesh barricade covered in faded yellow paint,
Great metallic rumbling & click-click-click-click of the train behind us,
Then
The world is still -
      A near-silent buzz fills the air,
Over the railing, the trickle of a dying river runs down the step,
The violet bushes overgrow the banks,
Great trees, thin & leaning
Reach from the waters &
Drip with the dead pears, black sleeping bodies of bats -

As the sun dips to sleep in the furry trees beyond,
Wings rustle,
Orange furry scarves appear &
Chattery cries echo off the water,
Loud & steady beats of leathery black wings erupt
Snouts calling, laughing, shadows taking off into the dimming sky.

This is not flying -
This beauty I should have known.
I have never flown.

I never flew.
I fell.

This ocean you describe, I once knew,
Supposed happiness and love
enveloping emotions...

No.

I was drowning,
I never learned to swim,
I buried myself
in the ocean floor
& convinced myself it was happiness.

The saltwater
filled my lungs,
so when the ocean finally left me I froze alone
on the rocks

I have not flown.
I did not swim.
I have fallen,
I have drowned.

Twisting, twirling,
green, brown and grey -
light filters through a world created by
strangled symphonies, wars
recreated
On a stage in front of the arena,
lurking in the rafters, we are forbidden to watch
as twisting, steel frames roll
In a showcase of
"bravery".
White gowns cloak angelic golden chords,
The heat rises,
soldiers climb silk structures,
fleeing the beautiful horror below them.
We sit in darkness & observe the
Green light enveloping these
Incredible & untethered artists,
Flowers forming and breaking and shattering,
Scattering,
Everything so bright,
So bright,
and though each of us is only following
& though we have seen this now four times over,
We still donate each,
our tiny golden strings
To support those
suspended in great cages,
each knowing how this will continue &
having to pretend they do not -
Green & Brown & Grey
Light twisting, dappled & distorted
As it reveals a scene -
A war, turned into a twirling dance

A fear begins to take hold,
Uncertainty,
As the surrounding crowd
Settles into their places,
Unaware of the transfixing magic
they will soon see -
Thousands of golden strings
Twist together,
We prepare in
Near-silence,
And then we raise them -
A string on its own, weak,
But with one hand each,
One torch, one voice,
Across the thousands of us,
Suspends the observers below.

The screamer, The criminal, The fool
And me
How did I land in the hands of
These three?

The screamer, she laughs about
Mother's harsh rule
She's keeping me sane with
The crim and the fool.

The criminal, as he is called
By my peers
Likes to feast on the romance of life
And our fears.

The fool is forgivable, if
Only when
He shuts up and lets the crim
Have a word in

The fool and the criminal
Drive me insane
And I vent to the geniuses though
They aren't to blame.

Though the screamer can't brag about
Being much better
I still must work with them,
So I will let her.

The screamer, The criminal, The fool
And me
Our lives all depend on
Our comradery
So I'll put aside any prejudice
That I've got
I'll drag us all through this
So we might
Have a shot

Sitting for hours, now we sit once again
We're waiting for guests
When only hours before, we slept in tents
Now it's the clock showing the time
And not stars
Now we eat at a table,
Now the heat's all around us
Now we throw silk cloths
Where before we had rocks
And I wonder how this is meant for beginners
As an expert finding this harder

Ah, there's the ticking sound
I haven't heard in years
Here's the subtle chill
That lets me find comfort in nothing but a t-shirt
This room with a view,
When was the last time I slept here?
I've only had one good night's sleep
How quickly will I adjust to the heat?
Wait for family to arrive
Heavier and hurting are my eyes
Now when was the last time
I called this place
"Home"?

The air is cold
I missed this.
The amber glowing glares at my back,
Its glowering concern of my travels
Dipping slowly below the horizon

I forgot this magic
The "wrong" adventures,
The temporary gold of sunlight
Wavering before distant storm clouds

I can't wait for this gathering
After the sun has set,
My peers and "children" singing softly
Away from dangerous homes,

I've missed
Walking away
From the safety of a home
At sunset

From cold blankets I hear the drizzle,
The raindrops making tinny clangs on the roof,
My sleep interrupted by forgotten tasks.
I get up.
Ghosts fly outside my bedroom window,
Whispering -
"What have you forgotten? You're awake before the sun again,
You look so cold !"

Scampering down the stairs and scrambling to take
Dampening clothes off the line
In the cold morning air,
Ghosts lay on the table, cats
Slinking around the *** plants,
Completely unhelpful,
Echoing a voice that shouldn't be present,
Be quiet, stay out of my head

I suppose I'm awake now

I sit inside, trying to clear my head of the fog dripping heavily outdoors,
Ghosts stand in the doorway,
Glowing because I forgot to turn off the kitchen light -
"You forgot, you forgot
Now why are you hiding?"
I have to laugh now -
Why would I hide unless I was scared?
I didn't hide,
I tried,
I tried so hard not to hide,
Yet my efforts fell upon blind,
Oblivious and unseeing, unknowing eyes,
That's hardly my fault now, is it?

"You're scared, in this empty house-"
No.
I am alone, but this is my home
Now get out of my mind,
You have no place here.

Corridors I'm too familiar with,
And will beg on my life in dreams to
     Keep away from
The fingers of fear poke & ***** at my skin,
& Follow,
Follow up deserted streets &
Over steel & iron gates &
Under concrete arched bridges &
I'm too bored to sleep,
Yet my eye twitches;
The need to gather up every empty whiskey bottle
& Every lost and stolen piece of nonsense
Nonsense
For the first time i want to go home,
Because no-one's home
And I'm getting so tired of
Running on empty

Shards of glitter flick against dark windows,
Lit to sparkle from city lights
A hypnotic pattern of movement,
In hands
Fidgeting,
Fluffy toys, keys
The soothing soft voice,
Impossibly gentle
Peeling away at softened shells;
No, I won't answer that question,
Not because of defences
Or pride,
But simply because I do not have the words
To explain exactly why I am at peace,
In a calm moment
From pre-occupied turmoil.

Yellow lattice fences and dimly lit
   train tracks
Are whisking me away to
Some place of unsafety,
And I only want to thank you
For this respite,
Sweet little shard
Of glitter

A black jacket
Studded with brass
We joke I can't hide
If I wear it,
I'll sparkle
So we
Split into teams
I run and hide
It's dark but we
All have torches,
Two minutes on the clock
Here's a good spot
An open field
Come closer,
Get down, they'll see you
Get closer to the line of trees
They all yell, "we're coming!"
And we creep, quiet
Behind the bush,
Get down!
As lights shine through the leaves
We hold our breath
And I wait for my jacket
To give us away
But they walk off
To look somewhere else
We come out
They think we're lost
All laugh
And now it's your turn,
Lights off,
A hundred and twenty seconds
Time starts now

Deep breath,
Set your face to stone
Are you ready?
(Are you ready yet?)
Honestly, no.
But it's time to go back,
To where we all wear white
Where the uniform stand
Desperately trying not to fight

Remember grey cards
Get you where you need to be
Loose coloured paper sheets
To help keep you on your feet
Keep your resistance to the cold
Make some resistance to the heat
This lecture's getting old
You must remember when to eat

Tomorrow, wake at dawn
There's no excuses, starting now
Remember all the things you need
Make sure the music's not too loud
Take a deep breath
And set your face to stone
Yeah, no-one's really ready
But you still aren't staying home.

Hello again, I missed you
I was getting ready to break in,
somewhere,
We were planning an intervention,
Haven't seen you in so long.

We were worried about you,
dear,
Glad you're with friends now,
Back with us,
now,
So worried you were drowning,
out in the open,
You claim not to trust the world,
Yet keep falling victim to it -
Stay safe,
dear

I missed your birthday!
I had a present ready for you,
but I think I knew you wouldn't come.
It's been in this box for two months now,
You kept talking about how much you wanted these,
I made them myself.

I made brownies,
to celebrate you coming back,
I mean,
I don't want to make a big deal,
I don't know if I'm embarrassing you,
I hope I'm not

I just missed you

I'm glad you're home.

What can I say, of the creatures I do not remember,
Ambling without form or face or shape?
I know it's beautiful to see,
to listen

How much can I tell you, of the world I've yet to write?
The undulation of waves lapping at eroded shores,
The stars dancing through the sky in showers,
And a thousand tongues stolen,
by the wave of a hand over a
    crystal ball

Escapism is an interesting thing,
You sound so alive when you tell me of
   chemistry in all its
       deadliest forms,
Teach me about suffocation,
or the desert of blue sand & burning rain

Let me show you a new kind of beauty,
The nonsensical,
   undeliberate,
       Unpolished,
           Nothingness
Emptiness has its own beauty,
Just watching everyone else
fill in the gaps

That's where the fun lies,
   I find

Put some smoke in that painting
What was the pattern on her shirt?
He had a blue coffee cup,
The mother wore a red overcoat

Look at this tapestry, admire its detail
You might even hear
The children playing in the background
If you focus,
Can you smell the snowgums,
The wood slowly burning?
Details, a red torch, a blue pen,
The cars driving in, out, in, out
The annoyed father grumbling,
make up your mind!
A purple jacket,
A whistling duck flying away
Look at the colour of the sky,
The pink horizon fading into blue, into black
The trees stretching, giant dandelion silhouettes
Look at this picture, admire its detail

Add some more smoke to that campfire
Perfect the pattern on her shirt
Colour the coffee cup blue,
The mother wore a red overcoat

Too early, too early,
Just always too early,
Time away
From the pull of her hands

I miss you, I'll see you
Sooner than agreed to,
Because I'm desperate
To be away from her hands

Give me time,
Just away from her hands

The slime of her hands
On my skin,
And under it
The smell of her sands
In my brain,
And echoed it's
Insane
Of me to run,
Hiding from all of her
Half-cared and throwaway
Stares,
Mind,
She wouldn't give a ****
Less

Too early, too early,
I couldn't be
Home today
Need to wait,
For anyone to arrive
I'm a ghost, fallen out of time

Sit around as the sky
Turns black and fills with diamonds
Children run in the darkness
And yell about their lights
Memorise their names, won't you -
Chloe, Monica, Lucy
And laugh as the people
Wake up in the night
Lamps and torches
Mark the boundaries at
The line of trees
The second campfire from the fence,
Don't go past the van
Were you worried you
Couldn't find me, honey?
Sorry
This game always ends with
Someone getting hurt

I don't speak.
I don't need to.
To lie, one only needs to remain silent.
To lie is to let  others tell the truth
And say nothing.

Mother walks around
Talking about everything I'll do
Just say it, just say it!
Just say it's not true!
No...
Mother walks around
Talks about everything I can't do
Talks about everything she knows I'll do
Keep digging, 10 feet deep
And let her make you a liar.

People walk around
They talk about everything you've done
Just tell them, just tell them!
Is it really that hard?
To say it's not true?
Yes...
People walk around
Friends, I think?
They talk about everything they know you can't do
They talk about everything they know you've done
Keep digging, 10 feet deep
When the time comes, let them call you
A liar

And now listen to flickering flames
And now smell the smoke
Feel how hot your legs are
But you didn't start that fire,
Did you?

The wind is the monster that
Roars in the night,
It's the heat's respite
As we climb Kosciusko
The wind is what keeps
Our jackets on,
The temporary breaks,
Layers of clothes
Black, grey, pink, blue
Keep going,
This is nothing
Snow melts by the path,
Metal grates
Stone paving with gold veins
Scribble our names
In the snow
As we go,
Start a war, juggle snowballs
To impress the passers-by
Stand atop the highest point
And juggle stones
Or fly a kite
What will we do next time?

Once, two children grew.
Bright lights spoke to them
They didn’t know each other
Bright, flashing lights, singing
Then speaking
Then screaming
YOU MUST BE SCARED OF THE DARK.

The first child was strange
She wasn’t scared of the dark
She loved her nightmares
She loved being safe from the monsters
While dreaming that she wasn’t

She wasn’t scared of the dark
She loved it
And the bright lights, they kept yelling
And she stopped listening
“YOU SHOULDN’T BE HERE”
“YOU CAN’T BE FRIENDS WITH THEM”
“YOU CAN’T STAY IN THE DARK FOREVER”
She didn’t listen.
She stayed in the dark, and was happy
She tried the light, but it scared her
So bright, so loud, no
The dark
Stay in the dark
…It’s not so bad in here

The second child was timid
She was scared of the dark
She had so many nightmares -
Was she safe from the monsters?
Maybe she wasn’t…

She was scared of the dark
She hated it
But the bright lights, they were yelling
And in fear, she listened
“YOU CAN’T GO IN THERE”
“YOU’LL NEVER MAKE FRIENDS OUT HERE”
“ALWAYS BE SCARED OF THE DARK”
She listened, she obeyed.
She stayed in the light, but she wasn’t happy
She was surrounded by smiles
But they weren’t real, they were lies
The dark
Don’t go to the dark
I’m not scared…
It isn’t that bad out here.

Time passed…
The first child
Found the second
They met at the boundaries
And knew
Knew who had it better
Despite everything

“The lights can be liars”
“But they keep me safe”
“You can be safe without them”
“I can’t be safe - I’m scared of the dark”

But these smiles didn’t lie
These faces weren’t scared…
And somehow
Neither was the second child
She stepped into the dark
The first child helped her
And…
She wasn’t scared

And when she at last came out
"I need to go home"
She left the first child behind
Who let her go,
And smiled.

And what the second child found when she left,
When she re-entered what she'd always known
…

…She wasn’t so scared of the light, either.

I slept,
Only for a brief time
I slept
And I dreamed.
And I saw wonders.

I know it wasn’t real,
But I dreamed.

And I find
Part of me
Wants
To dream again

I Dreamt I played piano for a child,
And she Dreamt of meeting an angel
the Angel dreamt of freedom,
And freedom dreamt of solitude
And solitude whispered to me
As I dreamed.
I should have stopped listening
But never did, never did
I kept listening
I kept learning
Learning from Solitude
And freedom
And Angels
And children

...And then it stopped.
And then I awoke.
As did they.

Part of me wished we had never awoken
Part of me wants To keep my eyes closed,
Keep dreaming.
But facing the music in times of weakness
IS my weakness
And I am not allowed to be weak anymore,
Not anymore.

No more sleep, don’t you know
That other you, they never sleep
They can’t -

Not for the nightmares you gave them,
Don’t you remember it?
With an endless downpour from a ceiling of stone instead of sky.
They don’t see.
Not unless you need them to

But we don’t, we won’t share,
We won’t let you see our weakness.

No, if we did, we know what you’d call them,
Infantile, irrelevant,
So
We Can’t tell you

This is what I dream about
But I know that
We Never will live that through

We know, we know
But we can dream
We know it’s just a story
But we can dream
We know it’s a whole other world
But we can dream
We can dream.