A friend told me love would hit me like a train

*I'm lying across the tracks

Poverty
Holding on to me
Dragging me down
Down
D
O
W
N
There is no revival
There is no survival
No way to reclaim
The life that was mine
Trickling away
Nickel and dime
I can't support my family--
I can't even support myself
Can't let my children know
This lack of things to provide
Even though I want to;
When wants and needs collide.

I can't explain it to you
You wouldn't understand
This suffering I see
Sometimes I think it only happens
Just to me
I have so much hope for my children
They have to go further
Make more
Do more
Be more
More than I was
More than I am
I will never be what I want

This world, so costly
I can't help it- but mostly
It's the people in my life,
The ones I hold at night,
The people who keep me going

Poverty*
Dragging me down
But I will not give up
I can't release hope
For my children and their children-
Break this cyclical way of living;
Break the death and deceiving

I am stuck, but I have hope
I have love and I can cope
But I can't hold on much longer
Ripped to shreds by the economy
I loved you, my daughter

Be more

We can't go backwards
But if we could it would be
To that very night

Holding each other
Time standing still
And a blissful,
Extremely tender
Loving innocence
Surrounding us

No passion
Just simple love
Where a simple touch
Can sing a hundred songs

It is hard to say
Quite where my excitement begins
Seemingly deep inside,
The adrenaline pumps
Straight from my heart.
Intrinsic as it is,
This energy builds from the drums
And the power of the cadence
As it rolls off the rims
And pounds it's dissonant melody
Deep in to my core
The roar of a thousand bodies
United under a unanimous thought
A single goal
I nearly cannot contain
The passion building inside me
The crowd swaying me
To wish for exactly what they want
I am soon swept far away
Lost deep in the energy
Propelled by endless streams of
Enthusiasm
And loud cheers of affirmation
I cannot and will not turn back
I love being lost here
Inside this beautiful cacophony
Echoing cries of pure joy
And music raised to the stars
Underneath these Friday night lights

I'm having a rough time with it again.
It's like mountains and valleys.
If I'm feeling great
I can make it to the top of a mountain.
But right now I'm down in the valley.
And looking at the next mountain,
I don't want to climb it,
Because I know that beyond it there lie
More valleys.
So I may just stay here.

Time
Slipping through my fingers
Like hourglass sands
Once to pass, never to return
Memories merely photographs;
I glance back at ribbons
Tied round fingers,
Quick thoughts of times once here
But all things fade and wither
Cycles of death take hold
And all is one day lost.
I ponder the question,
Weighing on those with recollections,
Do you remember how much
You've forgotten?

Far from insanity.
   Thoughts in a down-
       Ward spiral. Falling hard
            For the one I cannot have,
               But wondering what awaits
                   When daylight comes again.
Do  you  recognize  my  sweet  agony?

Oh, but you have broken my heart.

It's now in two halves,

And one belongs to you

Grapefruit: abomination!
Such a hybrid shan't exist!
So within my machination
This strange pink fruit I protest

But if it seems I cannot win it
I will find rest within.
Yes, the peace of all my oranges,
My fruit goes without a sin

It was late and he held me
Tender and close
Like a lover, but as a friend
He put his cheek to mine
For what may have been the last
Time. It's what keeps us apart

Too much time
The wrong time
Too early along in time

Oh how I hate time
For it only takes from us
That which we want.

Yet in that one time
It was exactly the opposite.
For that moment i wished
Time would stay.
Alas, he fled, left me alone.
Time ran faster than ever before
Ripping him from my aching arms.

So silly, that time.
Oh how I hate time.

At some point I’ll
Have to come to terms with this reality

At some point I’ll
Need to make peace with your absence

At some point I’ll
Turn around and find myself breathing-

That’s when I can say I made it;
When I can breathe and walk and feel
Without you

I’m there now
              I think
Just don’t want to admit it,
For fear that acceptance
Of your absence
Is release
Of potential
And the coming
Of the inevitable
The end

Paralyzed with fear
Yet itching with
This kinetic energy

I want to run
But I'm too afraid of
What's ahead

Don't look back
Can't look forward
Just watch the footfalls

Inching onward
Wanting to discover and yet
Paralyzed with fear

It's times like these when you look to the rest of your life and say, "what am I supposed to do with this", so you throw it at a wall and see if it sticks. Because life is far too long and far too hard, and at a snail's pace we don't get very far.... it's like regression to childhood; being lost in a large neighborhood, and uncertain of which turn to take- that's every **** choice you make. There's no way to know how to make it better, we just keep walking and getting wetter as the storm gets harder and we get farther from finding answers......

The spaghetti test in terms of life, I suppose, a way to see if all this strife is worth the outcome we seek. Because life is definitely NOT for the meek. Those who abandon heart will never see the light, for life requires such a fight. But  unlike pasta growing soft in water, if we wish to persist we have to be stronger- and throwing life to see if it sticks only works if we cease and desist at trying to remain hard and fast, and pushing up against coming last.

What if the heart
Were truly a puzzle?
A game of sorts
Of luck
Of chance
Roll the dice and pray
That you draw a piece that fits.
The empty hole there
To remain empty,
Until you draw the right piece.
Who could be good
At such a game?
The rich, the beautiful?
Though it may appear so,
This thought is false
The game IS fair.
In a twisted way,
All have an equal shot
For 1 in 7 billion is the chance
Of finding any single piece.
And I...
I drew the 1
That fits my heart.

Nothing but fragments
A picture frame with no picture
I can't see you, yet you remain
In the back of my mind
You remain
These thoughts don't connect
Don't flow
I can't seem to make sense of anything
Anything but
*You

These flawless fantasies-
Fleeing cruel reality
And the bitter taste
Of living.
Where I can fly to
Warmth,
Safety,
And welcoming arms.
Away from the terrors
Of unforeseen attacks
These fatal wounds to an
Already breaking heart.
Let me fly
Please.
If not to the truth,
Then at least to a place
Where I believe
I am loved.

Music for empty apartments
Heard only in the winter
Of the soul
The deepest, coldest part
Where the distant melody
Is omnipresent, dark and low.

Music for the heart and mind
Drifting on the breeze,
And soft and gentle sobs
Heard only by those
Alone with their thoughts,
Swimming in the thoughts of others.
Missing ones held dear
Clinging to memories
Playing them over
and over
and over
So as not to let them go...

Like music
For empty apartments
With empty beds
And empty souls.
Music so unheard, it is nearly lost
Yet to those who play it,
It is deafening.

Your eyes, the sun, the way they glint and glare  
I cannot help but see through crystal glass
The way you tempt my mind unto despair,
Longing for something, far now come and passed.
Now I the Icarus, I thought I'd thrive,
Again your mind hath lured me to your soul
But turn away, and I, thine heart deny
A burning love within, I must console.
You do not know the way you pierced my heart,
Mistook my dismal speech for friendly thought-
Whilst I must not my views to you impart,
I see that all my trials lead to naught.
Regardless, in my arms I wish you home
Still welcome here wherever you may roam.

I reach forward
Grasping empty air
A feeling with which
I have become all too familiar.
I hold closer the sheets
In which you once lay
Parallel to me.
Tighter around me
I pull them,
But they cannot maintain
Your strength

I reach forward,
And feel a new presence.
Barely transcendent
Yet seemingly ever present.
I grasp the frail air
Still it seems to be there
In a way that only I can see,
But it does not
Terminate all thoughts
Not like the way I could
Feel you breathe.

Stop and breathe
It isn't worth it
Try and pull back
I know how the tunnel vision works
I've been there
I've seen the darkness
But I promise,
There is a light
You may not know right now
With anxiety high as the sky
Listen to me now
Focus on one voice-
The valleys are as beautiful as the mountains
Take a step away
Make a little distance
Breathe the cold, fresh air
I promise
I promise you'll see it
There is a light, beyond the horizon
Just keep climbing

Slowly and calmly
Down the brook
Floating silently as
An owl stalks it's prey
The quiet leaf
Fallen days before
Drifting
Drifting
Blown with the wind
Carried by the current
No place to be and
No time to be there
Perhaps this is the picture
Of true serenity
Peace and tranquility

Nothing but a leaf
A slow and gently moving
Leaf

You.
A word once filled with love
Now turned sour
This tapestry
Once a work of art-
Painted with streaks of fury,
Blots of distaste,
A perfect image once presented
Now soiled with hatred
You.
Slid in to my life
Unannounced
Unexpected
Absolutely not unwanted
How could I be so foolish to think
Love?
The smile you had
Safe, warm, welcoming
How was I to know?
You.
Mirrors and smoke screens to hide
What you really were.
I didn't LOVE you
You were merely a stepping stone
A portion of my own painting,
Now blackened and smeared
I didn't love you.
I couldn't love you.
Your tapestry rolled,
But not forgotten.
For how could I forget
This hole that is
You.

Summer left me
Sweet abandon
Ringing in the
Blustery autumn

Destruction
From the inside out
But I REFUSE
To give in to this internal
Infernal
Ineffable
Battle from which
Evil spawns evil and I,
I am forced to remain as I am
With no visible knowledge,
Yet a sentient faith.
To continue seems a journey
But a road that must be taken.
Well trod by those ahead,
Yet uncertain at every turn
While the battle within rages.
Step forward
Step back
Step forward
Keep moving- backwards is WRONG.
And though I know this,
That it is within my means-
My manageable means,
I cannot bear it,
I MUST bear it.
And as though a cruel joke,
The unbearable becomes bearable
When the unacceptable is accepted.

Why?
Did you think about the way
That that would hurt?
Of course not
But now it feels
Like you don't care
Like a million shards of glass
You don't care about us
You probably never have
And yet
You played the part so well
Making me like you
Doing all the right things
Making me lead myself on
You deceiving liar!
I knew I couldn't, but still!
I wanted you regardless
You were
Perfect.
Well, almost
Until I found out
That you had no loyalty
You didn't deserve
Me or her or them or us
You didn't deserve anyone
Good luck living with yourself
I almost hope you can't
But I know you'll find a way
Because you're great at lying
Especially to yourself

Didn't it mean something to you?
Our inseparable bond?
It pains me to say
That I feel like I'm the only one
Still
Trying.
I'm so sorry,
But I didn't realize
Best friends forever
Would end so soon.

Snippets of conversations drifting through the wind can sometimes be cause for a deeper introspective search than one has ever taken before.

Just this morning in passing I heard a boy say "I just love writing, it's my passion", and I stopped and thought to myself quietly "what's my passion?"

...

This simple expression by a total stranger sparked a train of thought in my mind leading me down tunnels in to the very depths of my unprepared brain.

Searching for a passion

Much like the passer-by I tend to enjoy the written word.
I relish sentences,
composition,
vocabulary choice,
anything that can present ideas in a sophisticated written sense.

On the contrary, sometimes writing feels like having my eyes slowly clawed out of my head and consumed by a larger-than-life, incredible beast.

*Could such an act be my passion if only to grate on my nerves and cause me to tear out my hair when it does not occur according to my plans?

Deeper than the pits
Of my lustful heart
I cannot fathom the way
I wish I could hold you
Soft against me
Two people...
One flesh
One passionate body
And the way you would look at me
Penetrating my soul
Making me wish I could
Wish I could.....
My heart belongs to you
I am completely entranced
I am completely in love
Come now
Love me back
Show me that you do
I wish you could take me
To the places I ought not to go
Love me there
Or here
Anywhere
You are the object of my sights
My desires
And all I want...
Is you

Turn around and feel me here
This rhythmic sense of undue love, unclear
Your hand resting in mine a simple sign
Yet your love, one so divine
Is more confusing than the heart of thine

An uncertain wave of strange perfume
And laughter from the other room
It sparks my mind through leaps and bounds
Remembering the time I found… you
A time only we shared

Does it sit in your mind like mine?
A weight beyond the reach of time
Yet lofty in the sense of grace
The way it sets a lighter pace
This love within my reach, without my grasp

So I come to the first thought,
Emotion you have not sought
Found here in the dynamic ebb and flow
A love given, and taken slow
We will find our way out

30 29 28
I can't breathe
27
I can't see
I can't see you
26 25
Seconds?
Hours?
Does time pass
Pass by
24
Reaching out
Grasp at nothing
23 22
Slowing down
Sedated
Breathe
21 20 19
It doesn't get better
There's nothing out there
Just darkness
18
A calm serenity of nothing
17
Drawing nearer
16
Time is coming
To a close
15
I feel the end
14
I wish for the end
Are you there?
13 12 11
There is more
Than this
Than empty
10
You
9
Me
8
I can almost
7
See
6
Touch
5
Feel
4
I want
3
I need
2
I love
1
You.

Crouching silently,
The hunter lies still
Barely a breath escapes
His agile body.
With the speed
Of a fierce lion
And the precision of
A skilled hawk
He spots his tiny prey

He watches
Using practiced patience
For the perfect moment
Then
It is done
As quickly as the hunt began
An arrow pierces it's target
Silent and quick

The hunter is successful
And the prey unaware
It was ever in scope

Sometimes I wonder
Is this like life?
Unaware until it is
Just
Too
Late.
Or am I in control,
Swiftly passing through?
I suppose it
Begs the question
Am I the hunter,
Or the hunted?

isn't it crazy how
in the blink of an eye
one split second decision
can set off a
spiral of beauty
and pain
and sacrifice
and affection,
all wrapped in to one time bomb
of a relationship
with a fast approaching expiration date?

It pounds in my head
Those three words
I don't know if you feel the same way, I just pray you do
But I could never
Ever
Tell you
I love you

The following
shall be omitted;

Existential dread,
Fear
      of the past
                  present
                       future,
Lack of sovereignty,
Knowledge of evil,
       (Acknowledgement of such)

I couldn’t care less.
Could care less means
you care
          Thus: caring shall be omitted,

Anxiety,
Boundaries,
General thought,
                 omissions must be made

Please retain intelligence
          and a small capacity for
emotion.

I place my trust in you
- don't break it.
I give my heart to you
- don't take it.
I wish to look upon your face
- you make it so
hard for me.
Hiding in the shadows,
Showing me mere glimpses.
Letting me love you
Only from a distance.
Wrapped in your embrace
Just for a minute.
Pushed aside,
Alone through the thick of it.
Still you have my trust
- I won't let you break it.
And my heart?
-Oh, yes, you've taken it.

Running to the door
I meet you there like yesterday.
Though I know what you're here for,
There are some things I want to say.
We wave hello and set out,
Our same routine in motion;
My eyes to yours are but a scout
To see the day's commotion.
Inside, my mind is uttering  
A message growing strong
These things I should be saying
If only it weren't wrong;

"I love you like my brother
But you just can't seem to see
Best friend? I have no other,
I know it's you for me.
Please do not think that this is wrong,
I care for you so deeply!
If I could write a simple song
These words would be my plea:
Let me help you when you need,
Don't give a second thought.
With worries rife like springtime ****,
I think you have forgot-
I'm always here to guide you,
The lighthouse amidst your storm.
I won't let darkness find you
If in my embrace you're warm"

Alas, we walk so quiet
Almost finished 'round the block
I wish I would have tried it,
But my lips refused to talk.
I understand we had our chance,
A love we might have shared
But now without another glance
I know that's why you're scared.
We can be friends without a doubt
Ignore the shadows passed
My smile ever is devout  
Just know, my love will last.

I can’t bring myself to find
They way I feel inside
I don’t exactly want to see
The passage of this time

You draw my mind in
You mull it over, I mull you over
You spit it out

I don’t want to go

We were a familiar thing
Secure and safe and whole
We kept it all at bay
Until the reckless fall

I am the reckless
You are the wrecker
We wrecked my heart

Now I
You
We
We
Only me

I don’t want to go

Out of sight
Out of mind
I step away from myself
And in to the abyss
Of my knowledge.
Swimming through the memories,
Playing them like film strips.
I fall out of reality,
Allowing the subconscious mind
To take over.
I step away from
The world,
And retreat inside
To a tranquil place where
Thoughts can be heard
Without distraction
Without calamity.
Taken below the surface
Of the iceberg and
Consumed with euphoric fantasy,
All I can hear is the laughter
Of a thousand voices
Like wind chimes in the breeze-
All proclaiming peace.
If I could stay forever
I would-
In this place
I am happy.

I remember our innocence
You would slip your hand in mine
Telling me we would be together
Forever

Now looking back, we were children
We didn't understand then world
The battles we would fight
Uphill wars to be just
Us

And yet, here we are, still lost.
Lost in our beautiful innocence

Together

Forever

I can't promise you
It will always be easy
I can't promise you
I'll always know what to do
I can't promise you
I have all the answers

But I can promise you
A lot more than that
I will hold your hand
When there's nothing else I can do
I will stand by you
Until I am ripped from your side
I will protect you
With all I am
I will defend you
Care for you
Encourage you
Cheer you up
I will always be ready
With a hug for when you're sad
And a kiss for when you're lonely

Nothing can keep us apart
No force on earth
Has the power to make me
Un-love you.
And so,
I won't.

I love you
With all of my heart
And I intend
To continue doing so
Until the end of time

It is late. Time is slipping still
Right through my fingers.
Hard against my will
This taste of liquor lingers,
Urging me to take a drink and
Lose myself. But then I find
His fingertips gently brush hands
When his soul is absent from mind.
In a free fall, he sees
What I know. The whisky illuminates
The path between the trees,
The path we walked in many states-

I stood on his toes
And we danced.

It's in those moments-
The ones where our eyes connect
And you smile
And I smile right back.
A laugh,
A glance,
This is where I'm meant to be-
Right here
In your arms.
Safe from the world
As if time can't touch us
Because it can't
Time only brings us
Closer together