I have this part of me,
A glaringly large part of me,
That I must hide from the world.
Symptoms, thoughts, feelings, and emotions
that I have to cram into a little lunchbox.
By the end of the day this little box weighs
a hundred pounds,
And I alone unpack it's contents
every night.
It's exhausting.
And I'm tired.
When I was 17 I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. My symptoms were so bad and pervasive that they diagnosed me before the age of 18. I have spent the majority of my 25 years in therapy. The sadness, loneliness, and wishes to end my life often overwhelm me. I feel like I can't keep friends. I feel completely alone while I battle this disorder. No one knows about it except for a select few. I feel like I'm lying to everyone. But BPD is so stigmatized that I think most people won't try to understand before they judge me and turn their image of me into my diagnosis. It's exhausting, and I'm tired and I just want to feel normal.