Fallon

Fallon Jan 2022

Here are 17 reasons I'm afraid to fall in love:
1: Love. It's so annoyingly, terrifying complex, and vague
2: The lack of independence required. Fallin in love implies that there is another person, and I have grown so used to doing everything on my own
3: What if I ask for too much?
4: what if THEY ask for too much?
5: Sometimes, the strength of my own feelings terrifies me
6: Not being able to trust them enough
7: Trusting them too much, and watching that trust be broken
8: The part where I show you my scars and wait with bated breath to see if you trace them with love and kindness, or with scorn
9: The scars themselves
10: Letting someone love me, all of me because that means they first have to see all of me
11: That when eventually I let you see the demons I keep locked up inside me you will turn and run away with fear in your eyes and a screaming clawing its way out of your throat.
12: Or that they will see those demons and use them to their advantage, help them grow
13: What if they want to get married?
14: The idea Weddings themselves
15: That someday I could be happily taken, and no longer will be that wild girl who kissed whoever she wanted because there was no one to discuss whether or not that was ok within their relationship
16: What if I am the only one who actually falls? And while falling has never scared me, the rush and the exhilaration excites me, being alone has always been my biggest fear. What if I take that leap of faith off that cliff, and turn in time to see you give me one last glance before walking away, opting for the safety of the solid ground
17: What if it all works out. What if for the first time in my life I give my heart to someone, they give theirs back, and we are completely, healthily, happy together. What if they see my scars and make beautiful art out of them. What if they acknowledge my demons, shake each and every one of their hands, and make peace with them. What if they make a home for themselves in my heart, help me patch up the broken pieces, and weave the shredded fabric of my soul back together. What if I let them, and for once, finally feel like I have someone to constantly depends upon.

Fallon Jul 2021

This girl I knew

I know a girl
She is kind and cruel
Wild and cautious
Secure and dangerous
She prefers to run where most would walk
Dance when most would talk
Sing when most would write
And tear apart the 'rules' of life
And yet she is trapped
She wants to scream
To let rip the emotions
In a terrifying shriek
Louder than any wolf's howl
And more terrifying than any mother bear
But someone has captured her voice
She wants to cry
There are thousands of tidal waves
Waiting to escape their flesh prison
And cascade down her cheeks
But something holds back her tears
She wants to let all the words pour out
To fill page after page with her dark twisted tale
Like an author whose last lifeline is their work
But someone took the pen out of her hand
She is so beautiful
Faeries dance in her eyes
Darkness pools in her hair
And power ripples off of her
And deserves so much more than this
But she can't see it
She thinks she brought this upon herself
She thinks the trauma
The pain
Is all deserved
And I do not know what to do
To help this girl I knew

Fallon May 2021

Trigger Warning

I wear a black piece of cloth wrapped around my left wrist
So people always ask
'What happened to your wrist?'
'Is your wrist ok?"
And I don't know how to tell them the truth
So I just say yes, my wrist is fine
The cloth is just for decoration
Because how can I tell them
They hide the evidence of fights lost
Not the physical kind
With punches thrown and noses broken
With both prides and knuckles bruised
No, it hides the marks of battles waged
Deep in the dark recesses of the twisted, torn, and singed pages I call my mind
Waged and ultimately lost
For I am not perfect
My story is not a fairytale
Its littered with trigger warnings
Stuffed with pain
And seasoned with conflict
And I hate to lie
But I am not ready to take their hand
To lead them down the thorny winding path
To show them the nightmare I live with every day
So I hold in the trigger warnings
Hide away the scars
And push a sweet smile onto my face
To hide the shattered empty soul underneath

Fallon Apr 2021

Why

Why does love hurt?
Why can't life be simple?
Why do I seem to have an inability to catch a break?
Its almost as if strife and pain are attracted to me
Like deadly silent moths to the bright shining flame that was my childhood self
Warping her
twisting her heart and mind into something dark and cruel
The light still shines through sometimes
From the small girl curled inside my mind
Hiding away from what I've become
So, pray do tell me
Why?

Fallon Mar 2021

Untitled

Pain
But why?
I don't know
It sits in the back of my mind
Curled around my heart
Claws sunk deep into my mind
Like some cornered animal with a score to settle
It crashes its dark bleak waves against my thoughts
and whispers in my ear the second the world around me quiets
At least I'm never alone?
But even its constant presence
Consistently purring sweet poison at me
Cannot stave away the ache of being lonely
For when you feel you have no one
Not much can change that

Fallon Jan 2021

Where to find home

He felt like home
I cannot easily explain it
But when I’m around him
He feels like home
But I’ve come to realize
He may feel like my home
But I do not feel like his
And I’m ok with that
As long as I keep my friend
And can still feel that piece of home
I’ll be ok

Fallon Jan 2021

Deadly silence

My mom always asks me why I always have something playing in the background
She asks why I don't enjoy the silence
Meditate a little maybe
Music is so loud
Turn it off sometimes
Enjoy the peace
She doesn't understand
With silence, all the bad thoughts come creeping back
Like moths to the flame
I use music to drown them out
Push them aside
Extinguish that flame for just a little longer
She doesn't understand that there is danger is silence for people like me
'Why not sit in your thoughts?'
Thoughts can be deadly
Thoughts are what I fight to keep away
There is no peace in the silence
Only violence and pain
Music holds it back
Like the walls of a dam
Holding back the deadly waves of a flood
So no, I don't think I'll turn the music off