I'm not a poet but I write poetry
I'm not a songwriter but I write songs
I'm not an artist but I paint and do things of the artistic persuasion

I don't like to title things
They sound so official
And offically, I don't know what I am

I roll my eyes instantly at the mention of "race" and "gender"
Having been oversaturated and now it's bitter on my tongue

Taught to look for agendas and obssessions
Hyperfixation on trauma and eras and mental health
I suppose everyone is mentally unwell when we go seeking for what makes us damaged

And perhaps we are delusional, creating things that aren't there, but we speak it into existence with the power of our lips making shapes and noise,
creating the next trend, lingo, aesthetic,
grouping, pairing, splitting, naming,
explaining away everything.

God this world makes me dizzy.

I like cold weather the best,
It's kindest to my insecurities.

I am sick of wasting my energy
Convincing people that I am deserving of their affection
That I am deserving of love from those who I want it most.
All they've done is take and demand more.
Slightest afflictions would send me
profusely apologizing.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
When I owe nothing of the sorts.

You say I betrayed you, but you stopped talking first.
You say I left you behind but I don't recall your footprints by mine.
You're life has changed and you hate that.
I'm just a reminder of what your life used to be like.
I am not responsible for your happiness,
yet you mar mine.
You didn't want to hurt alone,
so you ensured I'd hurt too.

I let the numbness wash over
calluses form on my heart, roughly applied.
The first time hurts, but eventually it hurts a little less.
Blisters form until that thick patch of skin builds up
and my patience wears down,
and now my empathy can be short-lived.

We swapped roses,
unaware yours had thorns.
I pricked my finger
and now the yellow is stained with red
and skin will need to be cleaned and bandaged
and the heart continues to be broken despite increased fortification.

I thought what doesn't **** you makes you stronger,
that it creates perseverance.
And it does,
but it hardens the soft in spirit
and my patience is no longer there for you.
And leaving gets easier.
Saying goodbye gets easier
And it hurts a little less.
I care a little less.
And I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I can feel the buzzing of my nerves
So I chug it down
hoping it will calm the storm
I taste the sweet and bitter
I feel the burn on the way down
I like the warmth when it hits my stomach
Maybe it can help
slow things down for a bit
Buzz my mind
Make me sleep
A sip here
A swish there
I think it'll do the trick
Just don't tell mama
she'll get rid of it
she don't like it in the house
I understand why
The temptation is bright
When you don't want to think

I don't mean to be insecure
But sometimes it happens
I think you only like me
Cause I'm "confident", you say, and that's "rare".

But let me let you in on a little secret
It all feels like a lie
Sometimes I AM full of this energy of self-love
And other times I can hear those words being whispered into my ear: unworthy, ugly, insecure, little girl faker, puppet, doll

And I can feel the burn in my eyes
The one that tells me, as my throat tightens, that I might just cry
I want to be that girl you see
But I'm afraid if I let you in

If I let you see that I sometimes break
You won't like me anymore
Cause I'm nothing but a fake, however unreal that may be
You'll think I'm just like all the other girls you've dated
Thinking I'm fat and ugly, never comfortable in my own skin
And what if I told you, you were right?

But only sometimes.
And maybe if I had someone like you to stay,
It would only fortify the strong parts of me.
Because love only grows with love.

Duck duck goose
Duck duck goose
The same old routine
Stuck on a loop

Like a new found song
Played over and over
Story of my life
Wish I wasn't sober

I'm stuck in the mud
Stuck in this town
Ready to get out
Before I dumb down

Ring around the rosie
I have already fallen down
There is no exit in sight
Every time I turn around

I write my own songs
They aren't very good
But they are mine
They tell you where I've stood

They start to sound the same
After a while
Same chord progressions
All my thoughts compiled

1 2 3, 1 2 3,
What will i do now?
Hopefully something different
If my brain will allow

Play then rewind
Maybe I'm insane
Because I keep doing the same old thing
Thinking things will change.

I was told I talk too much so I never made a sound
My voice fading until buried six feet underground
I was told I was annoying, that I should just shut up
And people wonder why I'm so quiet
I would try to speak over the ocean waves
I gave up, no one interested in what I had to say
My voice now but a whisper floating on the wind
You wouldn't hear it unless you really listened.
But no one did and no one ever would
Because no one really cared about the girl and didn't see why they should.

Many guilty unsure whispers
Through capable, crooked, smiles
Perfectly gleaming unspoken problems

The empty versions of neverending pain screams out blood and truth.

I wish you could understand how hard this is
I wish you could understand just how heavy everything feels
I wish you could just see that something is wrong
But I wish you didn't try to fix me

I know you see my agitation
I know you hear the attitude in my voice
You think its just me being emotional
I just had a bad day

I wish you could leave me be
I wish I had some peace
I wish I had a reason
I wish I had words

But I don't
I can't explain the exhaustion I feel
I cant explain the headaches
I can't explain the weight of it all
I can't explain the desire I feel to just give up

I wish it could be simple
I wish it could all go away
I feel like I'm drowning in a think cement of anxiety and depression….
Its overwhelming

I want to stay away
I want to escape
I want everything to disappear
I want things to change

So why am I still stuck?
Why can't I move?
Why is it I can't seem to figure out what I'm supposed to do?

You try to talk to me
You try to hear me
But you're NOT LISTENING!

You say you understand
You say you know how I feel
You say you went through the same thing
But that was a long time ago

If you really understood you would leave me alone
If you really understood you would let me breath
I you REALLY TRULY understood you wouldn't be pushing me like this.

I know your stressed but I am too
You say I'm not doing enough,
Like all the effort I put in is nothing
I say I'm busy, but you say I'm not
I'm not doing enough

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW!!!!
You're not me!
You don’t know my life
You don’t know me!

You compare me to Her even though you say you don't
Is nothing I do good enough!!!
I am trying to find my way but its not fast enough for you.
I need time, I need patience,
You're riding on the back of this bronco.
I'm not in university, I don't have good influencing friends according to you.

Apparently I make the wrong decisions.
Do I disappoint you?
Just because I'm not at the same spot as Her?
I'M TRYING!
But its not enough.

I feel like I'm going to break
I feel like any day I'm just going to stop caring
I have already been slipping downhill.
I haven't been taking care of myself and it shows
But your too wrapped up in everything else to see it

I know you need the support
I know its been ******* you too.
But please SEE ME
Please Hear Me
Please.
Please.

I'm being chased by a monster of my own design.

Even though I have never really drowned,
I know what it's like to hold your breath for so long,
That when you take that first gasp,
You feel as though it is your first time breathing.

They're always in my face,
Asking if I'm okay.
I may not be be okay
But I'll act like it is anyway.