Eyithen

Eyithen Mar 2023

I wish I didn't have to say goodbye.
But I'm glad I got to say "hello"
And "I love you"
And "your my baby"
And "it's ok"
And "You can go now"
And "I'll always, always love you"
And "I miss you"
But I hate that I miss you
I wish I didn't have to miss you at all
But if I had to choose,
To love and lose
or to to never love at all,
I would say goodbye a thousand times more.

I hate saying goodbye. I hate the pain. I hate the mourning.

#loss #grief #losingapet #sayinggoodbye #morning #mybestfriend

Eyithen Mar 2023

Betrayed

I am sick of wasting my energy
Convincing people that I am deserving of their affection
That I am deserving of love from those who I want it most.
All they've done is take and demand more.
Slightest afflictions would send me
profusely apologizing.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
When I owe nothing of the sorts.

You say I betrayed you, but you stopped talking first.
You say I left you behind but I don't recall your footprints by mine.
You're life has changed and you hate that.
I'm just a reminder of what your life used to be like.
I am not responsible for your happiness,
yet you mar mine.
You didn't want to hurt alone,
so you ensured I'd hurt too.

I let the numbness wash over
calluses form on my heart, roughly applied.
The first time hurts, but eventually it hurts a little less.
Blisters form until that thick patch of skin builds up
and my patience wears down,
and now my empathy can be short-lived.

We swapped roses,
unaware yours had thorns.
I pricked my finger
and now the yellow is stained with red
and skin will need to be cleaned and bandaged
and the heart continues to be broken despite increased fortification.

I thought what doesn't **** you makes you stronger,
that it creates perseverance.
And it does,
but it hardens the soft in spirit
and my patience is no longer there for you.
And leaving gets easier.
Saying goodbye gets easier
And it hurts a little less.
I care a little less.
And I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

You can't help it if someone lashes out and projects their insecurities onto you. It is nothing you did.

#friendship #lossofafriend #anger #frustration #misplacedblame #sadness #grieve #thatisnotfair

Eyithen Nov 2022

Emotionally Fragile

I’m clawing at my chest,
Because I want to make this itching ache stop
But I am unable to reach into my chest and grasp my stomach and clench my heart;
I am unable to tell it to stop its fluttering
Just as I am barely able to hold back the sob that wants to rip through my throat in an agonizing scream.
BUT I CAN'T.
Because I can’t do anything.
I have no control.

And normally I would be okay with that,
But in these moments losing control is the worst thing
Because it is the one thing I so desperately need.
Just when things are going well I collapse into myself again like an exploding star.

The cycle is repeating.
This is the hardest part. It’s the most painful.
It is crying all the time
It is anxious
It‘s having fidgety hands
It's headaches from furrowed brows
It's seeing the inadequacy of yourself and not being okay with it.
It's like having a microscope on yourself
Its being exhausted all the time because you can’t stop the overthinking, the analyzing, or the constant pity parties and comparisons

I’m sick of being so emotionally fragile.
I just want to move on to the next stage already
To the numbness that follows
So I can stop caring
Stop crying
Stop hurting so **** much

I just want it all to go away.
I want the pain and hurt to go away.
This ache isn’t numb, it's not sharp, but rather it is suffocating.
It is hands around my throat squeezing just tight enough so that I feel like I'm dying, but aware that I can still breathe.

#anxiety #depression #mentalhealth #suffocating #screaming #makeitstop #breaking #numb #fallingapart

Eyithen Nov 2022

Poetry in...

She is poetry in motion.
No.
That's not quite right.
Rather she is the making of poetry
Chaotic. Messy. Not quite complete.
There is much editing to be done.

Eyithen Nov 2022

Academic Suicide

Loss of Motivation. Check.
2. Procrastinating. Check.
3. Lowering Grades. Check.
4. Health Problems. Check.
5. Exhaustion/Lack of Energy. Check.

I can't help but stare at the F.
Like a crime scene photo of the ****** of my grades.
I missed classes. Deadlines.
Struggled with anxiety and depression.
And yet even though I am haunted by these feelings.
I can't bring myself to care.
I thought it was so many things.
but perhaps I have just fizzled out.
It just me.
My problem.
There's no foul play,
My brain just decided to commit academic suicide.
We threw the toaster into the bathwater,
and jumped right in.

#burnout #depression #failing #college #mentalhealth #anxiety

Aug 2022

Contraducción

Silence.. The Heart is speaking

"I'm not a poet. I don't feel like one.
I like writting. That's all."

Have a nice day

Apr 2022

nsp

Standardized Life Testing

After months of sleeping next to you, today I woke up, rolled over to see your face, and was __.

a) in love
b) complete
c) nervous
d) alone
e) all of the above

#love #choice #test