I feel it bubbling up again
Like nausea, the feeling right before you *****
Uncontrollable and unstoppable
And utterly gut wrenching and ugly
A crush---

I can't just crush on you
Without being crushed
The weight of wanting like a boulder on my chest
It hurts, it heaves
It takes over my brain like a parasite
I feel little worms carrying thoughts of you across my synapses
Eventually, my cells will be rewritten with your image
The image that I've created in my head
And the image of me that I imagine you want

I will look in the mirror and I will no longer see my face
I will only see through your eyes, I will see myself as what I need to change to be wanted by you

I can't do this
I'm ripping you off my skin, I'm clawing my way back through the mirror
I am holding my eyes wide open
Reality check---
I can't lose myself in someone else again
I can't break my own heart
I can't crush or be crushed

Why does everyone want their love
Crazy, intense
An explosion and implosion
Of emotion and longing?
I want my love
Calm, and steady,
The tide rolling in and out
The ocean on a windless day
I want my passion to last me
Into the next life
I want it to be something
I can have with all of senses
I want it like
Coming home after a long vacation
And falling into your own bed
I want it like
A low burning fire
That keeps me warm all night

I almost never look at them anymore
The scars left behind
White lines
And Dashes
Across my left wrist
One from when my cat scratched me
One from the first time I coped with a blade
One from before I knew how to hide them
I almost never look
But they’re still there, and they look at me
And sometimes, 8 years later
I get so unstable
I want to pick up the scissors
I want to see the pain taking form
So that I don’t have to hold it in
Anymore, but
I don’t because I feel like
It would create a burden on you that
I’m not willing to place and
Because I know I’m stronger than the scissor blades
And because
I like to wear sleeveless shirts even in the winter

There’s nothing there
There’s nothing there
There’s nothing there
Except this fear
Crawling up my spine, crushing my lungs
I
gasp, inhale a short quick breath
Turn, or run, or nothing?
because I know, there’s nothing there…
But what if there is?

I still remember,
The gasp.
It escaped from your lips
Followed by a desperate moan
The first time you saw me,
My body,
Exposed, vulnerable,
Laid out in front of you.
I still remember,
You grabbed a hold of me,
Pressed your lips to mine,
You haven’t let go since.

You give me
A breath of fresh air,
Then
You take my breath away
In one instant, then another,
I shiver, fear, then,
I feel your arms and I’m safe.
Your eyes,
Full of adoration,
Drilling the truth into me.
I blink, the world changes, yet
You remain the same.
As my anchor you pull me,
Down, down, down.
I thought I was afraid of drowning,
But I was really just afraid of
Sinking alone.
Your hooks sink into me,
Into my heart and my veins,
And you whisper;
‘I’ll never let you go.’
For once, I can say back;
‘I know’.

Fear,
It covers me like vines.
Dark, crawling vines,
That corrupt even your most innocent parts.
It will bring me to my knees,
And make me question.
Nothing is safe,
No thought,
No emotion,
No love.
With fear inside,
It all burns and turns black then,
Blows away like ashes.
A wind that will never return.

With fear, I am in solitude.
Vines digging deeper,
Slithering into my mind,
Finding my deepest darkest secrets.
It brings everything to the surface,
Saying;
‘You are weak, you are nothing, you are failure.’
And I can’t deny it.
I hope this fear won’t dig into my heart,
With you gone,
Fear will consume.