I just want to pack my bags
And vanish
Leave without a trace

Spend the rest of my life
In solitude
Knowing
I'm no longer
A burden to you...
...
Maybe this way I'll find me,
The real me,
The one that lives outside of
These useless broken words
The one that breathes outside of
This loop of a mess that's become
My nightmare and my life all at once
...
Maybe this way I can finally
Throw away my masks
Maybe this way I can finally
Taste freedom
Maybe this way
I might even discover
The meaning of
True happiness

*And maybe this time
I won't run away from it

A mystery
They called me
Wearing a million different faces
Wearing a million different smiles

A lost soul
They didn't see
3561 miles away from the one place I was half-real
3561 miles away from the one place I half-smiled

Mile 1
I'm drowning within myself
Slowly, silently, secretly
Constantly wandering
Trying to find that broken girl
Who never had a childhood
Trying to escape from the skeltons
Thrown in the depths of the closet
Long before I could even spell my name
Now 3561 miles away just to make sure they don't rise up again

Mile 147
I'm suffering in the hospital
There was always something wrong with me
I always deserved this pain
If only I could get rid of it myself
If only... If only...
If only
And so I tried.
Every time the darkness swelled up
And gripped my throat, i tried..
But they called me crazy
Not broken
Not hurt
Not upset
But crazy...
Crazy because i tried
Now 3561 miles from all those who labeled me insane

Mile 836
My fight with life and death
Because I forgot what living was
Long before I blew out 4 candles on a tiny cake...
Because death wouldn't embrace me
Death would torment me instead,
Cursing me to forever stay stuck living
Somewhere between the brink
Of life and death..
And so I finally took matters into my own hands...
Not sinfully but sensibly, the odds forever against my favor
But health is just relative and my body already a mess,
The brain I counted on slowly dying out
My future that once smiled upon me
Now nothing but a faded curse
Now 3561 miles away because I somehow survived
3561 miles away because I kept surviving

Mile 2451
Everyone was fed up with me
I was a burden living or dead
No place for me in either realm.
I breathed through the cracks of reality
And packed my bags to live in an illusion
So that life wouldn't catch up to me ever again
Now 3561 miles away and I can finally breathe again
3561 miles away yet no closer to living nor death

Mile 2915
I'm overthinking things through
Like all these loose ends, broken hearts, and you
Because nobody cares unless you're rich or dead
And I was both of those yet neither
And those who saw through that were but a few..
A living paradox was my life
Almost an adult, give it 6 more days
I'll never tell you but I'll be gone before that fated day
Your memory of me gone quicker than that
Because I left once before and I should've never come back
But I'm glad I did
Now 3561 miles away and I know you'll do better without me
3561 miles away you would've been better if I never came back

Mile 3428
I'd forget everything about my life
The demons I kept pushing down would resurface now and again
But only as whispers of ghosts still haunting bits of the past
There's so much I still don't remember and yet,
I'd never forget you and everyone else I left behind..
I'd always wonder what'd happen to you
I'd always wonder how fine is fine..
You say I should be tired of running away
Don't worry, this time I'll be gone for good
The name I wanted everyone to remember
Will disappear under the tides on the sand
Never to be brought up again but by ghosts
And when you're old and grey
And happy and free
Don't cry remembering me as someone who died too young
Because I was old, grey, and torn at the edges
Far before I became a ghost myself
Now 3561 miles away from anyone I ever was
3561 miles away from anyone I could ever be

Mile 3557
I realized you knew me too well
I'm regretting everything before it happens
Because there was never enough..
Never enough words to tell you everything I could
Never enough time to tell you everything to tell
The letters slip and get lost on the tip of my tongue
Because you thought I was stronger than this
But I've been falling apart since the beginning
Crumbling slowly under the pressure of it all
Crumbling under things I never told you
And things I couldn't burden you with
Now 3561 miles away with things that I'll bury with me
3561 miles away because forever is a fantasy

Mile 3561
This is it...
Or so you think
Where my old life and new life collide and blend
Where I can forget everything and move on...
Though we both know that's not true
Because these masks melt under the moonlight
And these smiles stay forgotten under the glimmering stars..
As strong as I want to be,
As many times I change my name,
I'll never be able to cover up these scars within..
I'll never be able to forget the few who’ve cared
(I can count them all on one hand)..
And I'll let you in on a little secret-
The countless nights that threatened me with my own life,
I'd breathe in the universe before it swallowed me whole
And breathe out as I count those names on my one hand
Over and over
And over again
Over and again till my mind found sanity
Over and again till the sun found a grip on the sky
Over and again till the darkness inside me crept back
Into the broken cracks in the edges of my mind..
So go ahead and tell me,
Tell me how I'll forget the memories we've made
I've lost a lot of them but not the important ones
Tell me how I'll find someone new
Nobody could ever replace you
Tell me how much you miss me
Along with everyone who seems to care
Because time will change and people come and go
We're merely shadows floating around with no purpose
We come into people's lives only to fade out to some other
But despite all that and everything else,
How could you ever think you didn't mean anything to me?..
Because now I'm 3561 miles away,
Tired, broken, fed up
I'm 3561 miles away
Shattered, crying, torn apart
I'm 3561 miles away
Stuck writing something
That'll never reach you-
At least until
I'm 25,300,000,000,000 miles away for good

...
Because in between the notes
That hum a melody through my veins
I find the overbearing reality
Of the ghosts that scream out
In a rising soprano
So out-of-tune that I'm afraid
The pieces left of my heart
Will shatter into nothingness
And leave me empty
With no music to describe
The burden of these demons I carry
...
Most of all,
I'm afraid
To live in this void
Of infinite silence
That forever threatens
To swallow me whole

I may seem dangerous
Strong and brave
But I assure you
I break just as easily
As the rest of us
...

And I'll let you in on a secret

I'm already shattered

Far beyond repair
...
I have been this whole time.

It's not the way
Your poetry just flows
From pen to paper
Right out of your soul

But rather the way
Your ink spills just right
Threading letters together
Touching hearts as you write
...