It began 8 years ago,
But I believed I couldn’t
Since I was told I was too
Young or I didn’t
Understand what it truly
Meant

I found solace in a
different way-
A dangerous way that
only provided
The temporary feeling of
Something other then just -
nothing.


I battled myself daily, wanting
Nothing more then to vanish into
another life

Easily, another life could’ve been better.
I wouldn’t lay there
staring at the ceiling
or
physically causing harm
just to feel something -

As I grew older
The less I dreamt of a new life
and allowed the dreams of making
mine better

And as time went on
Things did seem to get better.

I cleansed my space of the
physical and negative attractions
That I’ve accepted as a lifestyle.

I started accepting
new people into my life
Even though I knew they’d
drift away in time.

Then I became an adult,
And this is the hardest
thing I’ve ever had to do.

I’ve been floating through the days
In a haze and I need a *******
Change.

I understand now more
Then ever and
On a much more
personal level.

But, it’s been 8 years-
Four years since it’s ended
And an hour since I’ve had
An old thought
Of allowing myself to
Repeat history.

But as I think of it,
I have been

Just in a different way.

Oh dear Lucifer,
There's a perfect ******* soul
For you to take.

Look ahead, not at your past.

When I look into the mirror
I see a girl-
A girl who hides behind her skin
I see a girl-
A girl with a look in her eyes
A look of regret
A look of sorrow
A look of a painful experience
I see what you've made me to be
I am a victim of yours
I am the girl they talk about
I am your victim
I am the girl you damaged
I am your victim
You're ******* victim
-
When I look into the mirror
I see nobody
I feel nobody
I hear nobody
When I look into the mirror
I see the fear blazing into my eyes
I feel the masculine of your hands beaming down on me
I hear your muffled groans and audible grunts
I am what you've made me to be
-----
I had a life
I planned a future
I wanted love
I wanted a husband
I wanted children
-
I wanted so **** much but-
I want you,
I want you dead
Buried six feet plus in the **** soiled ground
I want you gone
Banished to hell!
----
When I look into the mirror
I see the outcome of my most horrid nightmare
I feel the bile rising in my throat because you never fail to make me sick-
I fear you
I hate you
I ******* HATE YOU
But you're the only one I can think about.
---
I was raised
I was loved
I loved too
But you took that from me
You took so much from me
Confidence, you took from me
Bluntness, you took from me
Pride, you took from me
I believed in myself
I had faith in myself
But you took that from me
-----
I see you, Often enough
On the streets, selling dope
Riding around, lookin for ******
In my dreams, ****** me again!
You destroyed me, you took my womanhood away
You did this to me!
-
LOOK AT ME!
-
I can't walk outside alone because of you
I avoid alleys because of you
I hide behind tinted sunglasses hoping and praying I don't run into you
--
You changed my life in more ways than you can imagine
I am not the same person I used to be
I am not the same person I was last year
I am not the same person who completed high school
I'm not same person who politely introduced myself to you
I am not the same person my parents knew me as
I- I-... I am nobody
--
All because you took myself from me.

And your pain?*
     Unbearable
Your thoughts?
     Uncontrollable
What about your actions?
     Unthinkable
And your expressions?
     On paper, On a canvas
Are you an artist?
     If you want to call it that
How about depression?
     Minimal
Close relationships?
     A few
The closest may be?
     No one in particular
Do you speak of your troubles with them?
     They wouldn't understand
What is your addiction?
     Temporary Pleasure
But-
     With pain, of course
What is it exactly, your addiction?
     A razor blade