you became my friend
the kind i can talk to forever and not be bored
you became my boyfriend
and it was good...great...awesome...not great...bad...
so you became my ex-boyfriend (but we'd stay friends)
except that's just what people say... me trying to be your friend (which in your mind means me pursuing you)
so you become my ex-friend
now I wish I'd never met you

Alfred Lord Tennyson said "tis better have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"
Maybe it's because we only reached like
but I'd rather have never liked or known you
than have lost you as a friend

i don't want to
i don't really remember how
it's been so long
can't i just not

if i just stay behind my walls
where no one can hurt me
where he can't hurt me
where I'm safe

this is where I like to be
and if you really don't want to hurt me
than don't ask me to feel
because when I feel all I feel is pain

If I could tell you anything
I would tell you everything

I'd tell you I want you to be happy
but I'm trying to be happy myself

that I'm not avoiding you
just trying not to get hurt again

how I hate hearing how sweet and awesome you are
because I just want to tell them "I KNOW"

How I've known since we were twelve
when you bought me that snickers bar at the dance

I miss you than
when you let me know how you feel

and why you felt that way
now I can't even comprehend you

it's like your on another level
and you won't deign to give me a hand up

I miss it when you didn't hide your feelings
and make me feel awful for having any at all

I wish I could walk up to you
and tell you all these things

but you'd call me immature
and laugh at me

you'd say I'm being childish
tell me how I need to grow up

because I'm in love with who you use to be
and you're in love with who you could make me

but you'll never be him again
and I can never be her ever

But I'll always miss you
I wish you could just understand

As I step into place
Whether surrounded by others
Or just one other
I’m alone

As the gun shoots
I start
Like an out of body experience
My feet aren’t mine

I’m not even me
As I’m floating above this ******* auto pilot
And from above all seems clear
For one split second

Then I’m back
Moving
In the direction they tell me to run
At the speed they tell me is best

And yet I feel so free
And when I want to speed up
When I want to sprint ahead
Leave all else in the dust

It’s just a question of endurance
And honestly I feel like I can endure anything
Actually I feel like I have
Like I’ve endured everything

I know I haven’t there’s more pain to come
Speeding up just wears you out faster
But with that ******* my heels
I just can’t let her catch up
As she gets closer
I remember
All the things I want to forget
All the things I’m running against

And a surge of energy
Whips through me
Full of emotions
And exploding with power

The hatred for the boy with no heart
The sorrow for the friend who will never see me run
The anxiety I’m not ready for the future
The fear I’m not good enough

So as I run far from sight from the girl behind
As I pass the finish line
And want to fall from exhaustion
I feel happy

But what do I do
When I can’t keep running?
When I’m not fast enough?
When the girl catches up?

What does it take to make you go away?
It shouldn't be this hard
You’re just like every other ****
Except with an irritating persistence

Or are you just a sadist
Love watching my hope grow
Just to destroy it
Does this make you happy?

You call me a drama queen
When I try to run
You say I’m making a big deal
Out of nothing

But it’s something to me because I’m not like you
I can’t turn my heart off like you can
Or maybe you never felt anything in the first place
Who knows but I want out

Out of this awful arrangement
Where you stab me in the back
And all I’m supposed to do is stand there
And act like nothing happened

You say you care about me
You’re lying
And I’m letting you
Because I want it to be the truth

But it’s not and will never be
And I try and try
But I can’t turn my feelings off
At least not completely

Stop coming back around
Stop sneaking your way back in
Stop convincing me to trust you
Stop breaking my heart

Because I can’t be around you
And no matter how many times I tell you
You just work harder to get back
And I can’t keep letting you

What am I to do?
When I can't trust

the one I might love
but I don't love

because I can't
because he doesn't
but I might

and in all I just don't know
and I just want to understand

how he feels
how I feel

how anyone can feel!
when thinking makes feeling so complicated!!!

I can't keep up
my mental capacity is failing
and all I can do is wish

wish I could talk to him

for real about reality
about what is going on
is anything going on!?

wish I could trust him

forget the past
better yet not have a past
just erase it all

wish I could understand him

he says he cares
yet how can he care
when all he does is hurt me