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1.5k · Oct 2018
Findings
Cai Oct 2018
When I was inlove with you, I would always look for you. I would look for you in poetry and in book passages, I would look for you through music and aestheticly pleasing pictures with texts of what I feel about you. I would look for you at night amongst the stars. But oh, You are so far away from me, physically and emotionally. It was to the point where I had to find you in every thing that I love. But, now that you broke me, I try to not look for you anymore. I try to avoid the things I love, just so that I wouldn’t be able to find you. But I still do. It hurts, It hurts too much. The stars don’t shine anymore, that’s how I know, I don’t want to look for you anymore.
From my still, broken heart. These are my feelings. I hope you enjoy them! **
1.1k · Mar 2018
Mystery
Cai Mar 2018
She is keeping her secrets untold,
For she waits for others to unfold,
What she is hiding beneath her heart,
That is little by little breaking her apart.
Hope you all like this! *** Cai
Cai May 2021
In here, You will find years and years worth of memories, some forgotten, some to be cherished eternally.

You will find laughters that I have gathered from my family, my friends and my own.

You will find a closet filled with my smiles in hangers,
Waiting to be used for whatever reason to be accomplished, either for genuinity or for pretend.

You will find this temporary storage for the times I have lost people,
Certain “someones” who I thought would remain in my life for a long time if not forever.

You will find shattered pieces of my heart, that made its way to my mind,
Remembering the hurt that I've experienced and endured, the lessons keeping me grounded but hurting me time and time again.

You will find a broken record that speaks only when it wants to,
My overthinking habit once again plays its opinions as loud as it can.

You will find denial and confusion dancing to the harmony of this broken record,
Like dancers on a stage wearing costumes, my denial and confusion too, disguises itself with trickery that maybe for once, I am finally accepting of what's happening to me and that for once, I am okay with it.  

You will find Lies, Lies, Lies,
Piling on top of each other like a stacking game, I have control but it is a force to be reckoned with,
Eventually it falls and when it does, I become more and more tired of trying to stack the pieces, but where is peace? In the midst of this chaos. I am once again scattered.

You will find an empty room,
But you may not enter here, not anymore,
I have created a barrier...well contributed at least, You may not see it but you can feel it.
This room can be whatever I want it to be, I can label it whatever I want, For it is an empty space in my heart.
You say “It looks absolutely stunning inside, why not let me in?” Please don’t be deceived. Stunning on the outside, yes, but that ironically empty room is filled with darkness inside,
So please No. I may not have known it then what I know now, That the only people I allowed access to this room were trespassers,
Every time I allowed them inside of this room, it only made me hurt.
They said they were builders, they told me they were going to build me up in the most healthy way, that they would teach me how to work on tools that would build my self-love, that they’ll be there whenever I fall apart.
But they lied, they were helping me build a barrier with tools from the pain they gave and the debris of the memories they left. They built up my ego, my pride.
Though, the final touch was my decision to complete this barrier. To shut it off from builders who weren’t worthy of me. I admit that I have forgotten that I am the architect of my body, my soul, myself as a whole. I realize now that I am my own builder, and there is not a single trespasser out there who will ever point me in different directions on how to love myself in my own structure ever again.  

Are you lost? Hold on!
Don't give it up before you even find it.
It's over there, Hope.

You found hope. There's something special about this one. Hope is my very own lighthouse keeper.But like the tides, it rises and falls. Hope is the best at its job. It is at the top of the lighthouse when I feel most ecstatic about something. But it descends slowly with each passing day. But if I am blessed, hope shines brightly enough through my eyes for someone to notice it. Hope is what guides me to itself, my lighthouse in a storm. It safely brings me to wander back home.
the epitome of me
586 · Jan 2018
Eccedentesiast
Cai Jan 2018
Her smile was his favourite.

yet he doesn't know that she wears a thousand fake ones everyday,

just to hide the pain.
Hi :p if you don't understand what the title means it's someone who hides pain behind a smile. Hope you like it! *** Cai
581 · May 2021
The moon and I
Cai May 2021
The moon knows me a little too well,
My deepest darkest secrets she is aware,
But one day I have experienced pain like no other,
I lost someone I loved.

I grieved into her arms, her presence wasn’t enough, no words were enough,
I shouted at the moon, thinking that nobody and nothing would ever understand what I’m going through,
The moon is quiet, silent, just like every other night,
But without words, she showed me that the sun, her eternal lover, dies every single day just for her to shine brightly at night.
The moon taught me about her own pain, the sacrifices the sun and moon makes,
The moon taught me to forgive people who offer their comfort but don’t really know what I’m going through,
The moon taught me about loss, that even though missing that person who is gone will never stop hurting, they are still with us in our very own hearts.
And lastly, the moon taught me that it does indeed get better, that the people who love me are like her stars, they keep her company through the darkness, and that is okay.
447 · Apr 2020
bootleg closure
Cai Apr 2020
“ what would you say to someone who gave up on you if you had a chance? “



Id probably say that “if i had to choose a word to describe how I feel about you, it would be ‘disappointed’. I would’ve never given up on you and I did all I could to make you happy. But for many reasons, you gave up on me. It may appear that I’m confused about all of this but as much as I hate to say it, there’s a part of me that understands why. And I respect your decision. The fact that it wasn’t the right time. I was willing to fight for you. It breaks my heart to know that you weren’t. But, I love you and I want you to be happy. I guess I need to let you go, so I could find someone who actually wants to fight for me. And no, I’m not writing this to win you back. But to be honest, I don’t know if I want to be with you anymore. If you were so quick about giving up on us once, I’m sure you would do it again. So for now, goodbye. And I’ll be missing you.”
my bf and I of 11 months broke up recently. It was a mutual decision. It still hurts like hell. But Hi everyone!
Cai Jun 2021
You will find years and years worth of memories
Some forgotten, some to be cherished eternally

You will find laughters that I have gathered from my family, my friends and my own

You will find a temporary storage for the times I have lost someone who I thought would remain in my life for a long time

You will find broken pieces of my heart, that made its way to my mind
Remembering the hurt that I've experienced and endured, the lessons keeping me grounded but hurting me time and time again

You will find a broken record that speaks only when it wants to,
My overthinking habit once again plays its opinions as loud as it can

You will find denial and confusion dancing to the harmony of the  broken record, like dancers on a stage wearing costumes, my denial and confusion too, disguises itself with trickery that maybe for once, I am accepting of what's happening to me and that for once, I am okay with it.  

You will find Lies, Lies, Lies
Piling on top each other like a stacking game, I have control but it is a force to be reckoned with. Eventually it falls and when it does, I become more and more tired of trying to stack the pieces, but where is peace ?  in the midst of this chaos. I am once again scattered.

Are you lost?
Don't give it up before you even found it.
It's over there, Hope.

You found hope. There's something special about this one. Hope is my very own lighthouse keeper. But like the tides, it rises and falls. Hope is the best at its job. It is at the top of the lighthouse when I feel most ecstatic about something. But it descends slowly with each passing day. But if I am blessed, Hope shines brightly enough through my eyes for someone to notice it. Hope is what guides me to itself, my lighthouse in a storm. It safely brings me to wander back home.
the epitome of me
409 · Apr 2019
Reality
Cai Apr 2019
That person didn’t hurt you, your own expectations did.
I am back halo
338 · Jun 2018
Self-Love
Cai Jun 2018
Self-love is the new Relationship Goals.
Hi im back, This is just my opinion hehe
291 · Feb 2018
False Hopes
Cai Feb 2018
You keep trying and trying.
Are you being noticed?

The pathetic part of being in love is that you’re willing to do anything for nothing.
274 · Nov 2019
Loving you is hard-work
Cai Nov 2019
It’s simple as honey dripping from my lips.


I don’t want to love you anymore.
If loving you will become a job then I quit. Because I’m tired of this. I’m tired of feeling this way. I became someone who lost the sparkle in her eyes.
And lately, I have been needing you more than I intend to.
That is not how it’s supposed to be.
Yet,
You adore how I put you first, before anyone else.
You adore how I put you first, instead of myself.

No, No and NO

Enough is enough.

We both know I deserve the world. I used to say I deserved you. But now, I just pity myself. Look at me lying through my teeth. My heart banging out of my chest for the truth to be let out. I gave you my all when I shouldn’t have. I didn’t leave myself a piece. And that is what I regret the most.


Hi im back. This is based on my personal experience. I hope you enjoy it!
270 · Jun 2020
silly me, silly irony
Cai Jun 2020
There was a time;  ironically,

it was when in that moment, time

suspended indefinitely for me;

That I thought,

I would know you forever.
i just miss you
198 · Jan 2018
Falling Apart
Cai Jan 2018
Then suddenly,
The rain turned into tears
Upon her cheeks.
186 · May 2021
Journey
Cai May 2021
I am in love with a girl I don’t know,
Her face is all too familiar,
She stares back at me preciscely how I stare back at her,
She looks so tired, I look tired, We both do,
Maybe we’re unsure of each other but I will never tire of trying to get to know her,
She is my safe haven, she is home.
It’s going to be a strange journey just trying to get to the point where I know myself, but it’s all going to be worth it at the end.

— The End —