I love the way the way you smile at me when our eyes meet
2. I love holding your hands and walking with you
3. I love the way you believe in me
4. I love it when you turn around to kiss me on the nose every morning
5. I love the way you that you love me at night right before you go to sleep
6. I love how you say nothing when I purposely photobomb your endless selfies
7.I love how we talk endlessly into the night with nothing but coffee between us
8. I love how you pick me up when i am feeling low
9. I love how you remember all the things i forget
10. I love how you rescue me from spiders, cats and raccoons

I only wish you were here with me

She looks at herself in the mirror
5'4 and 130 lbs
not bad according to her friends
Perfect in the eyes of her family
so-so yell out the public
but she refuses to believe any of it
the prized curls and timed blue eyes do nothing to change the opinion she has of her self
Mom says God makes no mistakes
Hmm
Her closet is full of things from 2010-2015
The best years of her life
She was wafer thin and dainty
everyone said so
Now her frame just disgusted her
she pulled at her sides
turned around
and stared at her legs
This wont do
she decides all at once
she quickly dresses up in grey and charcoal and heads downstairs for another job around the block
its her second one today
the kitchen smells like Shepard's pie and salad drowning in ranch
she does't flinch at the sight of food
Holds her nose and makes it our of the house
its not that she does not like eating
she just doesn't want to think about
a waste of time, actually
some may stare at her because of this
while others think its unhealthy and borderline crazy
but she finds it addicting

I thought we were perfect for each other
I was book smart and you street-smart
I needed lists and maps but you always played it by ear
I followed rules while you loved breaking them
You did the talking and I  loved to listen
You were the head and I the neck
You led and I followed
Anger turned to water
Misunderstandings into screaming matches
Nobody cared that it was night time
Or that there was somebody pale and sick in the house
We slept but we were usually ******* at each other
I would hide my thoughts and feelings the next day but you always figured things out
Nothing could ever get past you
You had an eye for detail and so we were always stuck to each other
You hated books but could read my face instantly
Spoke in tongues but knew the language of my body perfectly
Hated saying sorry but never thought twice about apologizing with the lips
Mean words ended in laughter
Every day was bitter sweet
Every night was ecstasy

I know life goes on and time waits for no one
The moment we are up there is something that needs to be done and sometimes even re-done.
Now what if all that was to come to a halt one day?
Your usual check-up with the family physician turned into something dreary?
He does not welcome you with his usual smile but frowns at you instead
Looks over at the small sheets of papers in his hands and quickly leaves the room
To have an elderly nurse come in and all tell you that your time is short
You have only 3 days on earth
Today is Friday and you expire on a Sunday
The day of rest…
The long lasting feelings of fatigue
Your fine hair thinning out
Hunger, no longer an issue
Thinking that it just stress and sleepless nights responsible for your horrid state.
Your mouth isn’t working but hands reach your eyes and to your surprise there are no tears
You don’t have time for that either
On your home you think about what you will tell the mother who looks forward to seeing your face first thing in the morning
The father who patiently waits for you to take over the family business so that he could stretch his legs
The baby sister who expects you at her wedding dressed in your finest
And the sweet man who promised you that sleeping alone will soon be a thing of the past
What about your dream?
That child like wish you held on to for years to become a superhero wearing a stethoscope and handing lollies to all the sick children left and right
Suddenly the path to your house, the same one you grew up in is over
And the heavy oak door opens up
To let out frenzy of noise complete with laughing children and talkative adults
Bessie the friendly black Labrador is there too
You look to the sky and sigh “I guess this can wait till after the party”

I don’t have much too give you
Certainly not love
Maybe companionship at best
Love died with the last guy
Rest in peace
Should I be angry about this?
I’m not
Things were different
Life was different
Eventful and full of colour
He could make me smile as soon as my tears dried up
It doesn’t matter what I had been crying up
He could inject passion in one lonely moment
Strong enough to be felt
Sweet enough to savor
I would worry about him more then I worried about myself
My happiness stretched as far as his smile did
A thin one that would reach both of his ears
Sometimes that was enough to be make a bad day seem all good again
I will admit that he did funny things too my lips
They smiled on their own
I smiled more then usual and forget about my own insecurities
My big eyes that take in the whole world in one glance
My not so perfect teeth
My strange gait
It would all be forgotten, momentarily
He held on to me like the prettiest flower in the bouquet
vowed to never let me fall
But that never really stuck
Blows to the mind
Blows to the heart
I don’t know which one was more fragile, but I did my best to mend it
The love was still there
Until one day it got snatched away
I was handed back my own empty heart
three sizes too small
Beaten up and worn out
Artfully stitched up all over the place
It was mine to keep
I didn’t know what to do with it
It continued to beat
Then bleed
Every time I thought about him
Whenever my mind refused to go ahead with the day
I still think about him
But Now I am able to smile a little bit
Is that progress?
Indifference?
I will never know
But I think I will hold on to my little heart
That is three sizes too small

Know what I hate the most about myself after a big fight
a heated discussion
a nasty row
The fact that I cant remain calm
The fact that I cant sit still
The fact that I cant keep quiet when all I really want is to blurt something out something negative
Something hurtful
Something stabby
Something that will make me feel better for a split second and hurt him for days
Its not always possible to be the bigger person
Its not always easy to take the high road
Is this what happens when you have kept quiet for way to long?
Act nice to those who you really don’t like just out of good manners and cultural norms?
Look the other way just to keep the peace?
Nobody likes living in a house filled with angry words that scar up the walls
Nasty looks that stain glass
Resentment that lingers everywhere
From room to room
Like worst smell you can think off
Bitterness that is so strong that concrete and brick weigh nothing
I am tired
I wish I could get lost
Forget my way home and throw the key away in the nearest bit of water
let it rust away like the memory of my first night with you
It would still be the same ugly house
Even if someone has cleaned up the insides the old fashioned away with a bucket mop sponge and toothbrush
Fix up all the doors and windows
Slap on a glossy coat of paint
Make the bathroom squeak
Make the kitchen smell like freshly baked cookies
Place a new welcome mat

Tall dark and rugged
Drink in hand
A night to remember

If I tell you something
Will you promise to listen?
Here goes…
See that tall fella there with the sandy hair and brown eyes
Yes the one wearing denim pants and steel toed shoes
He looks like a dream
Everyone says so
He volunteers in hospitals and soup kitchens
Goes to church on Sundays
Has 2 stray cats and a degree in medicine
So I am not sure why he is still single
He can cook the perfect steak
Give out the best Swedish messages
Babysits in his spare time
So why does he still live alone?
In a secluded little house with an oak swing and lovely garden
He does everything by himself
From cleaning to repairs
To mixing drinks and mending clothes
So why is there still no woman in the picture?
He knows how to shop
Can tell the difference between Chantilly Lace and Galloon Lace
Has a weakness for expensive perfumes and imported truffles
But why has not bought a ring yet?
All the girls swoon over him
Ma laughs at his corny humour
The men appreciate him too
He talks to everyone
Loves reading
Travels a new place every month
So why does he shy away from me?
Devour me with his eyes?
Play with me in his dreams?
But takes a step bad as I take a step forward?

I missed you by a few seconds at best
I think your friends call you Ajax or Alex
I'm not too sure, I couldn't really hear anything over the noise
Happy 22nd birthday, I sincerely hope that you enjoyed it
The peoples, the music, the food and decorations all carefully selected by yours truly.
Your aunt roped me into this and she had mentioned something about a spoilt nephew
I don't think you are so spoiled

Its no secret that I like you
I have grown fond of you at this point
We go to the same college
Have had the same classes and worked on labs together as well but I don't think you remember
I also sit a few seats behind you in homeroom as well but still nothing
You steal glances at me and make snooty remarks and are extremely completive
It doesn't bother me so much
But I don't think you are spoilt brat

Its no secret that I like you
I am not sure you feel the same way about me but we get along just fine and have plenty in common
You paint with colour and I paint with words
You view the world behind heavy lenses, while I take everything in with my yes
You prefer mountains and hilly terrains while I love the view from the very top of the cheerleading pyramid
I heard from someone that things did not really work with Ciara
She is a great friend of time but I honestly think you deserved better
When two people are busy with so much and cannot make time for another things tend to fall apart
That's what happened to our friendship but don't blame her

It ***** that I cant have you for myself
For all the right reasons thought so please don't misunderstand me
I am just afraid that we will hit it off really well and then things will just fall to pieces
I mean you are very accomplished talented and self efficient
I admire all of that greatly, unfortunately I am still a work in progress
I am learning but unable to stand on my own two feet
I am grounded in one place while you have traveled the world and must be in attracted to only the type of women who have it all figured out
A pretty face, soulful eyes, the perfect career and can handle projects from all over the place
I am maybe a little more simpler then that
I hate chaos but try my very best
I don't have a concrete plan yet of what I would like to do in life and or fully understand my purpose in this world either
I am not there yet, I have accepted that but I don't want to slow you down with anything
I don't want to anger you, because of my naiveté or inexperience
Embarrass you for asking too many questions
Hurt you because of my own personal issues and insecurities
act like a fool when I am out with you and see you sounded by females and fame

Its not secret that I like you
But I am afraid that ill get burnt if I tell you how I really feel about you
I am afraid that you will play with my feelings and lead me on for as long as it suits you
I am afraid that I wont be enough for you

How easy it must have been for you to fall again
Fall in love
Were you ready for it or just looking for a replacement?
Something to numb pain
Something to give you the strength to walk again
Repair what broke
I hope it worked out in the end
I hope she was able to stop the hurt
I hope she was able to bring back the smile on your face
I hope she was able to fill your eyes with new dreams
I hope she was able to fill your heart with hope
I hope she walks beside you in everything that you do
I hope she never lets you down like I did

Honestly didn't need this today
I present in the next 10 minutes about why this place needs a gym, and activities like spinning classes and more vegetarian options on the menu
No doubt they will be judging me right down to my shoes
Make up cannot fix this mess and I left my contact solution at home so I am stuck with black rimmed granny glasses
Confidence levels are seriously starting to dwindle
the box said non drowsy works in 20
but I don't know, I am starting to feel kinda funny
almost loopy
Ok 5 minutes to go
I am going to slowly count down to 100
my throat feels weird
but at least my eyes do not itch and nose isn't so red
Crap
somebody's already done
he's coming out and looks ghastly
all sweaty, kinda pale and hair sticking out in all directions
"Well then, you look like **** but good luck in the dragons den"
I cant believe I am suppose to see this guy later
charming my foot!

Ever wonder what the inside of a persons mind is like?
I mean its where you keep all of your desires hidden from the outside world of backstabbers and hypocrites
It is where your ambitions lie
It is where your secrets stay buried
It is often filled to the brim of all the words and thoughts you sometimes cannot express in public
on paper with the help of a pen or keyboard
It was what your tongue and lips may fail to deliver
It is filled with file cabinets of all the good and bad deeds you have accomplished till now
Every Christmas list and birthday wish list is hidden somewhere in there too
Every ounce of knowledge you have gained with the help of your friends family, idols and enemies gets transferred into paper thin pages and later turned into books
one for each day of the year
You ideas and innovations keep the place lit
and the air always smells faintly of expresso
yes all that caffeine has finally gone to your brain
The mini fridge is full of you guessed it- Brainfood
There is so much more I can tell you but that is all the time I have got
I am listening to Mozart
I hear its good for the brain

Never have I felt a love like this before
Different and not like any other
One that I have always hoped for
But also dreamt about often at night


A love full of friendship,humor and heart
Where days are filled with laughter and colour
And nights are spent in comfort and and nothing but the sounds of out hearts beating as one
A love so beautiful from inside and out
Free from tears and pain
Untainted by feelings of hearted and jealousy

A love with soul
Tender and true
A love that I have found
Only in you...

Everyone says being angry is pointless yet this is the easiest emotion to feel
Forgives is key
Repentance is good for the soul
Nothing good comes from making a hasty decision
Shooting the messenger
Using colourful language
flipping the finger and watching as everything hits the floor and the wall
Do not stew but vent
Its not good for the heart
even my doctor agrees
What does it matter anyway when my heart has shrunk 3 sizes
because of the same people who tell me to smile more often and not frown
Its not becoming on a woman
Count my blessing because for once I am not tarnishing anybody else's reputation with my life choices
the towns people have only recently stopped talking about me and my many mishaps from 2010 and onwards
Just to deal with the ugly cards life has dealt me because it is much easier and less costly then starting all over being happy on my own terms while everyone is busy leading their own lives
My unhappiness counts for nothing
my endless tears and frustration is never seen
my anger is never felt
The elders and the rest of the ******* seem to know what is best for me
Even though they will never get to be me
Face my fears
have my set of strengths and weaknesses
everyone feels the need to repeat themselves and point their fingers at me
one grave mistake is all it takes be invisible in this pathetic town
to be ignored
to be criticized forever
to be held accountable
To be told that you will amount to nothing so shut up and do what the pristine worldly people tell you to do
How much longer before this kills me
On the inside
I bet that they will all be there for my funeral many years away from now
sporting mourning clothes as well as the right face
feeling loss and pity for my family and everybody else
but no one will never admit that they had a hefty contribution in the steady decline of my mental health
They should have minded their own business instead of meddling with mine

My favorite instrument has gone missing
A tinkling sound that has reached the hearts of many around the world
I cannot tell you how I lost it
I was dancing amongst the others
Dressed up in bright colors
Bangles clinking
Handmade garba sticks in hand

Have you seen them anywhere?

Just when I think I can make it
Out of bed
Out of the house
Something goes wrong
My resolve weakens
Step, step
crack
Step step
crack
They have all begun to talk about it again
About you and her
going on and on
About all the things that you do with her
like you used to with me
I nod like I understand what is happening
But I don't
I try to smile
But these eyes will brim with tears
Soon
For as long as I live
I will never get over it
Over you?
Over us?
which ever one hurts less
Or maybe hurt is all the same
My hands shake
They turn into fists
But before the day comes to an end
These hands will cup together in prayer
For you
For her
For all of you

He takes orders
Just not from women
I think
His momma does not count
She is a witch
He does not listen
Trust me, it is not because of the language barrier
He does not care about the hurt
Where it spreads
Who it infects
Things break
He turns a blind eye
Brushes everything off
Sweeps what he does not want the others too see
Under a big rug
A big ugly thing
Been there for ages
And no one is going to change it
He does not care what gets destroyed
He is not big on feelings
All the positive ones
I cannot see them anymore
The bad one always remain
Pain
Anger
Hatred
Bitterness
Selfishness
Arrogance
Self doubt
Pity
There is no end
I am forever wiping things off
Every day
But disinfectant is not going to do it anymore
There is no way to get to his heart

I would hear a lot of about it a child
I would see it in the eyes of my mother
For her kids
For dad
I would feel it when he would grab me in a bear hug
I would see it in the way he sometimes looked at her
Thinking that nobody else was watching
I felt the love when they spoke to each other with their eyes
In their smiles and long embraces
I began to wish for the same many years later
Dad was gone
Mom was fading
I wanted to be saved
Or was it feel safe?
I don’t remember
Forgot all that I knew
When you came along
Don’t know what you did
Or how you did it
But my mom fell in love with you faster then I did
The son she never had
I thought it was weird you always hung around her
Did exactly what she told you
But then I realized you were just looking for a mom
Yours never returned after spending a few hours with you
I slowly started to warm up to you
I remembered all the fairy tales I read
I remembered the happy endings
I wondered if you would stick around long enough to be part of mine
Time passed
Seasons changed
We grew closer
She grew weaker
you went far away
no one could reach you
not even me

Whats the matter
Why do you look so sad?
Isn't this is what you've always wanted
isn't this what you've always talked about
Suit and Tie
Shaking hands with the big people
Smiling and the charming the people who you don't really care about
9:00 meeting
Perky PA's
handsome salary and little to no over time
so you could go home to her just in time
to celebrate anniversaries and have fun on Friday nights
Winding down after a long and stressful day
long drives and roses in the backstreet
Swimming in the moonlight
You've got it all now

So why the long face
How does it feel to be at the top
Does it ever get lonely?
I bet your busy with this and that
But when the night comes to a close
she is lying right next to you
Do you ever think of me

How does it feel to have everything in your palms now
but know that you will never be close enough to hold me
Kiss the nape of my neck
and tell me that you love me

I am unsure of how and when we got this close
He did not matter very much
His absence did not make me feel anything anymore
but with you
I began to smile again
I talked more then I listened
I waited in anticipation for your calls
those random texts
that birthday package was a nice touch too
You made me realize that I had been searching for over the years
a simple connection with depth and soul
with you I was able to think out loud
and talk freely without being judged or compared to the rest of the girls
The time difference may not have been to my liking but our emotions have were certainly real
You missed me and I worried over you
You had a bad day  and I consoled you
Nightmares would keep me up at night but you were able to make sense of them
But then one day
the calls had become more spaced out
the texts less frequent
and there was nothing to look forward to in the mail
We would start a conversation but there was never any time to finish it
the days were filled with work
but the nights went back to being lonely and filled with longing
I never got to meet you and do all the things we were suppose to
I wont forget you
But I am ok with that

It’s a old one
I cant get rid of it
I always break one rule or another
I tune out words of wisdom
No room for advice either
Its been on my brain for a very long time
Too far
But I want to get closer
I want to see it
I want to touch it
The intoxication
Let it take hold of me
Get drenched in it
I want to stop reading between the lines
Stop watching out for the signs
I want to get closer
Press my lips against it
Wear it on my skin
I want to forget that it hurts
© 2 months ago, Farzana Habib

There is a solution to everything I think

If you cannot babysit one night
I suggest you tell your mom that you are still getting over your cold and you do not want to get the baby sick

If there is a test in school and you haven't studied for it
I suggest you fake a stomach ache

If your mom is upset
I suggest you buy her daisies and jellybeans

If your best friend wont talk to you over a silly misunderstanding
I suggest you break the ice with food and song

If you want to play hooky one day
I suggest you go to the beach have fish and chips with ice cream

But what am I suppose to do with you?

I have not seen him in years
not in my dreams
not in my nightmares
or out in the open
I almost forgot what he looked like
How he made me feel
His words sickly sweet and sticky
His touch warm and then freezing cold
His smile,
A little crooked but it did things to me
Unexplainable, irrational things, which I had no excuses for
no remorse whatsoever
All it took was his quirky laugh
a pat on the arm or a kind word or two
I would loose myself in the madness all over again
Become part of a world where there were no pesky adults
nosey old ladies
annoying children
or yapping dogs
It was just the both of us, dressed in our finest
the rest did not matter
or maybe I was too blind to pay heed to it
We were almost never up to any good
tricks, mockery, manipulation, breaking hearts robbery and deception
we took part in all of that and so much more
I lived for the thrill
the rush that came with going out with a man that was off-limits
one that the world thought was not good enough for me
a danger to himself and bad to the bone
His kisses lit a fire from deep inside
His embrace was gentle and full of strength at the same time
His word was the law

Black and White

A friend asked me about you today

We were having lunch today together

At Mickeys- lunching on seared tuna, leafy greens, and sparkling wine

Remember that classy little whole in the wall on 59th street
The owner’s words not mine

Something must have been off about me today

Because we almost never talk about you

I told her we are happy together

But she did not buy it

So I have to admit that things are not that great between You and I

Yes you are still attractive smart and charming time has not changed that

Yes I still enjoy coming home to you

But the moment my keys scratches the door lock, a sense of apprehension sets in

It comes home with me and that was never there before

You smile, and ask for a simple kiss but my lips greets the lips of a stranger

Warm and then nothing

You ask about dinner but you are usually to busy to help with the process or give out helpful tips like you always did in the past
Its been like this for the last couple of months

You decide you want to watch a movie together
We pick one out the popcorn is ready but the for the next hour you hide yourself in the sanctuary of your room talking away on the phone only to come back minutes before the ending

We prepare mixers every now and then. I prefer mine with dessert
and you like it with a stack of manila envelopes and your old fountain pen

The clocks read 11:00pm and you make a dash for the bathroom to get ready for bed What happened to cleaning up together?

I climb into bed and you are out cold

Why is our love so black and white?

I always thought it was all about color.

I can now truly say that time does not heal all wounds
Time does not diminish the same old feelings we have for a loved one
maybe perhaps because they were familiar territory to us and not foreign
feelings of love
feelings of euphoria
feelings of freindship
feelings of loss
feelings of regret
feelings of emptiness
feelings of madness
It all comes up weather we like it or not
maybe even intensified because of time and distance and youth
No need to look at old stories through rose tinted glasses
or count all the red flags
some times old feelings stay
a gentle push conjures up old memories
The love was never lost or given away
But I wonder why hearts break so easily
is it easier to reveal or should it always be concealed?
even after doing all that is necessary to to be whole again

Why do hearts break so easily
over yesterdays memories
a hopeful tomorrow
and a face from the past

As I look down at the 6 pound Emily rose
Nestled in a pool cotton, color  and comfort
I cannot help but smile, but only a tiny one
She looks perfect
With her luxurious black curls
Sea green eyes and peachy looking skin
Too perfect for a world full of ugliness, deceit and double standards
What does it mean to be a girl today?

Will she have to fight to get a bigger meal or she be rewarded with leftover scraps?
Will she have to fight to get a proper chance at education or will she be handed a pan and dish rag and taught how to look after a house for the next 30 years or so?
Will she be able to attend school year round or be asked to stay at home because she is menstruating?
Will she be taught how to love her self, that smile, her curves and her big heart or will it all be destroyed under the weight of harsh cultural practices, criticism, peculiar beauty standards and what it means to the perfect woman?
Will her dreams and aspiration be worth something or is it just another reason for people to put her down or huff and puff at her idea of a bright future?
Will she able to attain a degree and make a difference in the world or will it all be for nothing and she will be asked to leave her home to enter another with the person the world has chosen for her?
Will her words and feeling be of any worth to the man whom she will call husband?
Will her family stand by her side when things become difficult?
Will she be happy with whom she is destined to be?

I cannot say and do not know for sure
I only pray that this world gives my child a chance at living

I haven’t had this much fun since the accident
It was nice to count the stars above our heads every night instead of the pills she needed to take every day
It felt great to be able to travel by car to Port Jeff and take everything in, then to travel by car and wait at the doctors office to be surrounded by death and the dying
I spent my last twenty on a much needed pedicure instead of junk food- the only type of food she would cry out for in her sleep
It was a blessing to be able to sit down and actually savor the food put in front of me instead of drinking my self thin on weak tea, broth, sherry and pureed goop.
My nose welcomed comforting smells of baked ziti, pumpkin spice and broccoli pinwheels instead of blood sweat and *****
The sky above has been slashed in shades of purples and pinks which is a nice change from all the black and grey i've been looking at lately
The air is filled with music and laughter instead of the coughing wheezing occasional prayer and curses
There is no blaring tv or radio in sight, going on about how the world is going to **** and people are dying by the dozen
No more tsking and clucking only silence and looks of gratitude.
I will always remember this but I wish I could bring something home instead of burying everything
Sometimes in the deep folds of my mind
And other times deep into the ground
Letting it all become one with the earth.

You played me right from the start
A game that you have won too many times
too cocky to care about the consequences
Our eyes met and I started seeing stars right away
It lit the way for me to you
But I now wish I knew what was waiting for me in the end
I gave you my heart the during the walk
Too soon
I will admit that I did not know what I was doing
just felt like it was the right thing to do
I curse my self
For my own foolishness
But you knew what you were doing
Was that the plan
String me along
Tighten the noose
Till I can’t think straight?
You chipped away at it
Day and night
With that disarming smile
Playful stares
Kind words
Words of tainted affection
That never meant anything
All of it a ploy
For what?
A friends phone number?
Answers to the final
Help I would have given it you
But why this?
Hurting
But don’t leave me bleeding
Break my heart
All of it
So that I can’t feel again
Not all the good things anyways
You got under my skin and now your leaving
I will be sure return the pain
The poison
Unannounced
Just when you feel like you’re the king of the world
Everything's going your way
Let it blind you
Devour you
Bring you to your knees
I promise

You look tired and completely out of it, old friend
Your body is here but your mind elsewhere
I cannot tell what you are thinking right this minute
But I understand you were here on an assignment
To help a young but brave woman battle an untimely illness
To figure out what snatched her husband and only son on a cold night in 88
You remember him right?
you two were practically best buds in high school till you got early acceptance into the academy
Vowing to serve mankind and always make sure that justice was meted well among the poor and the restless
This could have not been easy for you
but maybe this part of the world proved to be too much for your eyes
The modern landscapes and technology
The bold lifestyle choices that are now available to the young peoples
The off putting language and mindset
You are still no good with words but I know you were mortified on seeing woman prance around with their little doggies in million dollar purses
Men showing of their briefs and pierced earlobes in the streets
Babies clinging more to their phones then pacifiers
I also know that you fell hard for a wine maker's daughter
Trinity
I don't think she was at the academy
Fine wine wont be enough to forget her assets
Go on talk to her while I wait

We tied the knot in April
We have been trying for close to a year
He wants a baby
I am just doing my part
This was definitely not planned
Not for another year or so
I haven’t even graduated from college
He hung up his cap and gown a long time ago
I still have a trouble juggling being a Mrs and going to school
Cooking & Reading
Cleaning and Essay Writing
Laundry and Tests
Its terrifying at times and down-right draining
He will be overjoyed by the news
So overcome with emotion that he will not know what to do with himself
I am filled dread, sadness, pity and anger
Dread for the next 9 long months
Sadness over the future that will never be mine
Pity for giving into societal pressure to get married
Angry that everyone else is happy but me
I am tired from all that pacing
of my feet
of my thoughts
My head hurts from all the tears
I cannot find a solution to this
I cannot imagine a world with a miniature version of myself
I cannot go through with this

It's nearly 8
The wife wont mind If I go home late
Shes a good girl
But t not good enough--
I'll go where all the fellas go
To her
A woman tall and curvacious
Always dressed up
You gotta wait awhile before meeting her but its worth it
You can tell her anything and she'll never protest
Just sits in front of you and listens
With just one whiff of her perfume and shell make you forget all your problems
She has the power to take over your mind and lull you to sleep
But remember she's cold to the touch
When shes around its always fun and games
But then something hits you--
You glance at your watch and realize its getting real late and you should be heading home
where your pretty little wife and children are up and waiting for you
Suddenly its also time for her to leave
You feel angry and tense
You take one last look at her and sigh
Its no use you cannot take her home
Because you know she will create ruckus at home

Who is she?

My heart breaks every day
It aches just a little more
but no one can hear it
nor feel it
He goes on with his day
I go on with mine

He is different
A loner from what I hear
No father
He has accepted my ways
I am different too
Ma calls me “toofan” lovingly
I can never sit still
Books bore me
The kitchen feels like a dungeon
My feet always dance
My fingers are usually splattered with paint or ink
He doesn’t mind
He likes me with my hair down
We meet on the roof on most mornings
Sometimes in the evenings
When no one is around
Drying clothes or chili
Just an excuse
We talk between cups of chai or sweet lassi
I read his hand
He reads my eyes
He writes
Possibly draws
I cannot be sure
He never lets me see
I practice my steps
he watches
I paint
He observes
he clicks pictures
always when I am not aware
to capture something, I think
I can tell him anything
Nothing needed to be hidden in the pages
He understands ever sigh and murmur
Understands every step and colour
But even then
He has not once told me that he loves me

She is not home
She has no final destination either
One day it’s Madrid and next week she is cozying up in Aspen
We did not meet by luck
I saw her first in high school
Painfully thin, limp haired thing with dreamy eyes and a very quiet smile
Years later none of that is there anymore
She has blossomed into a platinum haired buxom and sad eyed enchantress
5 feet and encased in a crimson ribbed sheath dress that shows off her décolletage
A naked face with just a dab of maroon on the lips
She can wear anything and get away with it
I saw her in the airport sipping a cherry  liquid with a black briefcase at her feet
She waved frome the distance and smiled mischevelously
The same smile that ate up 5 years of my life
We talked about nothing even though there was so much to be said
So many answers
About why she left
Why I had to fight left and right warding off pint sized and egoistical men who kept coming to my workplace and asking about her whereabouts.
Called her Ava, Alica, Coco, and Sapphire
I was grabbing for words but nothing came out
I was an expensively clad man who was tongue tied
She grabbed me in that special way that makes a man’s stomach churn and feelt uncomfortable…downstairs
We sat there in brief silence while she played with her gorgeous mane of dark waves
Something beeped and she leaned closer
“ Don’t try to come find me”

Is this really happening?
pinch me?
Ouch
**** that did not help
He is just smiling into the distance
He goes to work whistling
He does his chores half-heartedly
He is finally paying attention to his physique
after 10 years
Slim fit only
His hair is in a new style
mmm what is that I smell
Allure from Chanel?
No more hanging with the boys
playing poker
sitting in front of the TV binging on horror shows
Works Overtime
I think i just saw him buy a new cellphone
Missed calls
Weekend Trips
Candy hearts and vanilla almonds
Blue Swarovski box
Is this all for me?

It was like any other piece of jewellery
Made from a thin chain and built to string many memories
The very first token of our love
A flower, for the day we met
A porcelain cup, for the first cup of coffee you made me
An open book for the days, when we worked side by side at the local library
A red car, the same one you would give me rides on
A pair of silver bells, for the day we both said "I do"
A small cottage, like the house we built using only our two hands
A rattle to celebrate the birth of our first child
Roses to mark a 10 year anniversary

It didn't seem like much but meant a great deal
So how could you give it away?
Look for a new owner already?
Slap it on to another woman's wrist
Whose eyes are cold as her heart

There is still many hours left before I can go home and rest my weary head
I can feel a headache coming on
the coffee was too weak
The customers will continue to come and go
buzz around like bees till they have found what they were looking for or make a mess and leave in huff
The owner will grow to be fat, richer and eventually bald
lets hope he does something about his yellow teeth and lack of impatience towards the employees
I sometimes fail to understand how people come in to spend pound after pound on fairness creams, aloe gels and supplement pills
does it all work out in the end or we do all give in to our weaknesses?
get ****** in because of fool proof consumer buying habits
and over the top demos of the latest kitchenware or a bed that can make it self
Its amazing to see how quickly people get rich off of other peoples insecurities
Acne is a killer, though!
As I stand here by one of the **** shelves
I cant help smiling and hoping that some nice lady will come in and get this last 3 step skin care set that is known do to miracles for under eye circles, bags, and fine lines off my tired hands
or maybe that lolly *******, curly haired, monster wont come in minutes before my shift ends and run through the big display of female hygiene products
Or sometimes even wish that people did not have so many problems
feel the constant need to cover up so fast because shaming has become so normal now
we over think things
we exaggerate
become prone to impulsive buys only to later go home and dump all of the days purchases or add on to an already extensive collection of something or the other
When truthfully, many of us never get around using up all that is in our little shopping carts, and baskets
or wind up getting tired of all the steps, rules, regimes
for the perfect face
for the perfect body
for the perfect illusion

My hatred for you runs so deep my dear, that someone can choke on it

The Truth finally came out
I wonder how long you managed to keep this up
You said all that you had to
Well congrats it couldn’t have been easy for you
Since you prefer prevention instead of confrontation
It was a lot to take in
Right before bed time
I always thought I was the miserable one
Your claims were an earful
You really enjoy tormenting me
You treat like a pet
You have sacrificed nothing! It was all me
All I ever get rewarded is with cold behavior, icy stares and your favorite word of the week
No!
Your inhuman and I am so sorry I ever met you
I could have done so much better then you
Now I have been called many names
People have harbored all kinds of feelings towards me
They have no doubt thought the very wosrst about me
I cant apologize for everything
Yea I have changed
There are still parts of me that are warm, kind, caring, friendly and resourceful
I am not stupid to make the same mistakes again
Let my emtions drive me up the wall
I sometimes stop feeling for you
I tune out
Sympathize with you till it becomes a joke
Sorry if I bring out the worst out of you
Make you morph into a wild eyed raging beast instead of the well mannerd, smiley faced young lad everyone takes you for
I cant always keep my feelings to myself
I cant always keep my problems ot myself
I cant always keep my mistakes to myself
They overlap with your day
They spill into your thoughts
They stay in your brain
But I try my best to not be a nuisance to you
Promise!
But somehow I always end up making things difficult for you
For those around you too
I know I have a destructive touch
I break everything I touch and hold in my hands
I was like this ever since I was a toddler
It explains why mom never bought me anything pretty
It explains why dad always yelled at me
It explains why I had no real friends
I guess its better if I go back to where I came from
You carry on
Forget about how I first came to you
Forget about how our eyes met
Our minds clicked

Grey fur
Green eyes
Four paws
Adorable meow
Mischievous to the bone
Best friend for life

Not sure what time it is right now
I am finally awake
Awake from what must have been a dream last night
Sitting down by the cozy fireplace
Toes splayed out
After a meal of duck breast red wine and dark cherries
Watched you put the finishing on what I thought was dessert
When the lights went off
the fire blazed
You made your way towards me
With a small decanter of cognac
It was only inches away from my lips
You clumsily dropped it
Not sure it if you did it on purpose
The green velvet had to come off
You had been eyeing it all night
The lace too
Drenched in cognac
yours for the taking
no more restraint
shirtless
unreadable
teeth sank into cognac flavoured skin
they sought out cherry lips
we never moved from the spot
But the thirst was quenched

The air has turned cold
There is a fire going
I have a snifter of cognac in my hands
The fiery amber liquid does nothing as it touches my lips and glides down my throat
I expected a sense of warmth
A sense of comfort
But I guess cognac pales in comparison to your loving embrace

I was hoping I could forget you
Because it was the easiest thing to do
As i became busy with school and work
Met new people and forged better relationships
Met Mr Right but no he turned out to be A mix of Jekle and Hyde
It hurt but I grew from it
Burned old memories and continued on
Hopeful of better things and fully motivated to do kick ****
Except I really didnt
I was busy for sure but you invaded my thoughts
I got to thinking
You made mistakes and so did I
I pushed you away because i thought I deserved a whole lot better
Except I was blind to see that you had almost all the qualities i had been secretly looking for in a man
The rest would have been mended with patience guidance and a blind eye
Except I couldnt wait any longer even though we had spend 4 years together already
I nagged critisized, praised some but usually lost my patience with you
Some days were great
Just the two us, great food, music that would be soon be forgetten, and questionable weather
Until that just didnt do it anymore
I seriously began to question your ambitions and the future
You always said you were unsure of what to do
You were great at other things though
Cooking and tidying up was second nature
Your pictures always captured what the rest of the world couldnt see
Your writting could make the crankiest man feel something
You were always there to help me with work and assignments
In short helping me achieve my goals
You never short on encouragement and motivation
I miss it now
You stayed up all night with me whenever I felt rejected by world
Always went out of the way to make me feel special when i felt ugly
Loved when I felt worthless
Calm when i felt like tearing things apart
I miss it now
You never stopped sending me little tokens of care and appreciation when my body could not keep up with what life threw at me
Made me feel better when I withdrew into myself and couldnt leave the bed
Made my life easier in about 50 different ways
Thats when I knew you really felt something for me
But i was afraid to call it love
I wish i could I have appreciated all of that just a little more
I realize now that I was usually in the red
You constantly put up with my ugly side
The continuous nagging, and critism in all that I did
You bared it
The cripping self doubt i had about myself
You bared it
The draining negativity that would sometimes fly from my lips
You bared it
All that that couldnt have been easy to deal with
But you did not complain very much being only a few years older then me and far away from your own family
You were always so quiet around me but never completely lost your cool
I dont remember you screaming or raising a hand
I am sorry for all the times I physically pushed you away
I wanted to be alone and sometimes I just didnt know how to say no
I am sorry that I was demanding, at times needly and plain disrespectful through speech
My anger was alway red hot but you found a way to turn it off with a chuckle, joke or distraction
The tv helped
But I never thanked you enough for it
Didn't show you enough gratitude because I was always busy
Busy planning, conquering, and then finally loosing
It all came crashing down
I am sorry for that
You cried but I didn't feel much until it was all over
I was always looking for much better, only to end up with barely enough
I don't know where you are right now and its ok that you stopped keeping contact with me
Most people wouldn't want to speak to a terrible woman
You were the first to realize it
I wish I had seen it in time
I have change a lot since that day
But I would not be lying if I said now that I sometimes wish he was you

I’m sorry we fight so much
Late at night
Sleep deprived
Hungover on old memories and faces
Wishing that it was 1972
Mary’s dead and gone
Peter's in rehab
And the baby eloped
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you
I don’t blame you anymore
I know you tried
working overtime brought in the goods
but we were loosing the kids
Weekly trips to the hair salon and Dairy Queen
made them smile a lot
but it was all out of fear
We should have listened when it was time to be quiet
Give out hugs on the daily instead of beatings
Hold them close instead of locking them indoors

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am sorry

I am so very confused right now
I don’t know if I should hold on or let go
I don’t believe in signs
I believe in second chances, but the outcome is usually the same
I get hurt
He may hurt but never shows it
I wish I knew how to do that
Why do we all want the things we cannot have
Why can’t this be enough
knowing that things have changed
We have changed
We have grown up
Time has passed
But something still feels the same
The same old sadness when you leave
The same old panic when you avoid me
The same old anger when you go on asking too many questions
Apologies aren’t enough
The words are stale
The sincerity comes off sounding phony
So whats left?

Are we born with one or do we begin to loose it as we grow older an find our way
Does it leave us when we take a on a new personality
When we have all of papers and are able to move up the corporate ladder
Smile, shake hands but mainly call the shots
Take on new challenges and and search for bigger highs
Talk with people who seem nice but do not want to be found
Figure out the difference between lover and friend
When you finally got hold of her phone number
Have him wrapped up so good around your diamond clad pinky finger
After nights of spending time, laughing over nothing
Getting caught up in each other, scraps of red lace tendrils of reddish blonde hair
Catching  fireflies, feelings, and unspoken desires
Coming home with red lips and skin cleansed from a bathwater of lust and sin
Having one last shot before linking arms with Mrs No Name
Making that much dreaded weekly call to the wife telling her your caught up at work and cant come home for the weekend
When really you are taking picture after picture of a women who is calling out for you over and over again
When the bills continue to pile up but your having too much fun gambling away your wife’s smile, children's college funds and the money for chemo
When you have no where left to to but to the safety box and carry metal around in your pocket till you've found the perfect place to pull the trigger

Do you still love him she asked?
Yes my mind screamed
I could not meet her eyes
So I stared into my food
Toying with it
Carving your name in it
Can you forget him she pressed on sipping on coffee
I secretly wished it would scald her tongue
No I cant
The more I try to forget
The more I remember
Was it because I still loved you
Or was it because of the mistakes I made
Unintentionally
Unstable
Had no ground to stand on
Mistakes I cant undo
Mistakes I cant fix
Mistakes I cant walk away from
I still carry the weight of them
Heavy from guilt pain and confusion
Its caged up in my chest
But some day that will break
Skin and brittle bones are not enough to hold everything in
I sleep with the pain
Wake up to it
Tried to embrace it with words of wisdom
Smother it with distractions
Heal it with time
But everything failed
The cage will break
Everything will come
But will I find peace in the end?

Huff and puff
The 5 second smile
Spin
Dip
Twirl

No where near a phone
A message or 2
Flowers at the door
Chocolates leading up to the bedroom

Keeping quiet and throwing away the key
Your dimples are on show
Wrapped like a burrito
Warm ramen
Sappy dialogues

Under the weather
Golden bell
Blanket for two
Dark chocolate
Raspberry tea
Mini marshmallows

Its been a day
Bubble robe and lavender
Sparkle and bows
Cheesecake and amaretto
Tangled up with you

Did you come back just to hurt me again?
Had some unfinished business
I didn’t know about
Do you want to capture the hurt look on my face one last time
Couldn’t get it right last time
That was 4 months ago
So your doing it again
This soiree wasn’t my idea
But every one thought you would like it
Welcome home
You look different
You keep on staring at women across the room
Like their prey
But when my eyes fall on you
Your ready to jump out of your skin
alabaster skin
I can still feel it on my finger tips
Is the room spinning too?
Can you hear their heartbeats?
You look like your dying
laughing
then ready to cry
The music's too loud
Is it hurting your head yet?
Don’t worry the lights will go out soon
The music will drown away too
we will finally be alone
to talk
to feel