Head is foggy,
Knees shake,
Hands quake.
Suicidal again.
Cotton mouth,
Nausea,
Lightheaded,
Suicidal again.
Numb,
Confusion,
Head is aching.
Suicidal again.
Distant voices,
Hot and cold flashes,
Suicidal again.
Pain,
Tears,
Self destructive behavior,
Suicidal again.
Exhaustion,
Isolation,
Self medication,
Suicidal again.
Chain smoke,
Can’t eat,
Suicidal again.
Gods turned his back on me;
I’ll turn my back on him.
Suicidal again.
Truly,
The only way out…
Suicidal again.

You ask a lot; sometimes too much.
Not really;
I give enough.
You are very demanding and abrasive;
But that’s ok;
I can be wishy- washy and irritating.
You are often neglectful,
and I am lonely.
But you come around
and I amuse myself.
Your bossy and don’t want to negotiate,
But im wimpy,
and have a thing for authority figures.
So, it seems we mesh.
Your cranky and get paranoid when I wrote poems like this;
But don’t worry;
Its not about you baby,
Its just a poem

TO CONQUER LONLINESS, WE MUST FIRST JOIN THE BATTLE...

I lie awake at night, and watch the world sleep.
The stars rise and fall in the sky...
Still, no one joins me; no one hears my cry.
My heart bleeds from wounds of my own making.
Will they ever heal?
OH! When will the lamenting end?
Sad times; lost loves; broken promises; Time wasted.
Freedom is far from this place.
How I long to be at peace.
At peace with myself; at peace with the world.
Fear, Death, Reality,
All that I run from;
Not "fear", the unknown, uncontrollable.
Not Death but dying, Alone.
Not reality but truth.
Truth be told, life is good.
Lonliness is a personal battle,
Never faught, never won.
NEVER...,
The conqurer

To whom it may concern;
I’m truly sorry for all the inconvenience and none sense,
I tried to take care of this foolishness at a more private location, but like  in all ways, I failed.   So , here I am.
I am of sound mind, and know exactly what I am doing.
This is my destiny and gods will for me. I know that now.
Please, do not make a fuss or take any heroic measures.
I give my body to science, and I have no friends or family to notify.      

Thank you,
And again, I’m sorry,
  Jane doe

You don’t sing to me anymore,
like you used to do.
You hardly even pay attention when I talk to you.
What happened to those days when we were all that mattered?
It was us against the world.
Now, the us has turned to you.
You don’t write me love letters,
like you used to do.
Once, that’s all you did.
Have we gone astray somewhere along our lovers path?
You don’t write me poetry that comes from the heart,
Like you used to do.
You used to pen such beautiful words.
They made me want to cry.
Now I cry;
Not for the same reasons.
You don’t hold me in your arms when we are alone in the dark,
Like you used to do.
I am afraid you don’t hold me in your heart anymore,
Like you used to do.

The Tears of an Angel fall quietly in the night.
Broken wings cannot take flight.
Hopeless dreams, desperate aspirations.
Reserved and shy, future salutations.
Heavy is the heart that's left behind.
Opened eyes are now found blind.
Reconciling pinions and mending wounds.
For lifetimes passages beneath full moons.
Another touch, Downey feathers fall.
With hope for love, to receive the call.
Gently mourning with each moment passing.
Waiting for love's kiss everlasting.
Steadfast and patient but the angels still cry.
Once she is free, the angels again fly.
Ladonna Atherley.

Because your precious to me,
I promise to stay by your side, not on your back.
Because your precious to me,
I will always lift you up, not drag you down.
Because your precious to me,
I promise to be your provider  and protector,
Never a burden or abuser.
Because your precious to me,
I will never hurt your person or spirit, this I swear.
We may disagree, argue or fight,
But I will always respect you and show you love and kindness.
Because your precious to me,
If you are hurt or ill, I will do my best to heal you;
Or I will stay by your side until you are healed.
If you cannot be healed, than we will be ill together; and die at each other’s side.
Because your precious to me,
I will teach you all that I know and we will learn from each other and grow old together.
Side by side, equals, partners in this life and the next; forever,
Because your precious to me.

I will not return

Bruised, battered, and beaten down;
I will not return;
To this place of misery and hatred.
I will go on, to I know not where.
Down a dark and frightening path.
Alone; of course and with no guide.
I am uncertain of what’s to come...
But I know,
I will not return.

Ladonna Deborah Atherley

Emptiness,
Darkness,
No peace.
Silent,
Still.
Nothingness.
No light,
No sound,
No shape,
Nothing.
No fear;
No joy.
     Somehow;
             somewhere deep within,
There is a semblance of a feeling,
A feeling that
I Am.
Then movement,
shadows,
confusion;
Fear arrives.
More awareness
of emotions and feelings.
Lights,
colors,
sounds,
touching.
Shapes  come into focus.
I begin to come into focus…
To understand that
I am.
Who I am,
Where I am.
I am coherent now.

Shadow boxes skip playfully and dance in the air
In front of me.
Catch one , live forever.
Floating,
Like ice on a crystal lake.
Breathing and alive,
together we are one.
Pictures captured,
Darkness controlling.
Beauty enhanced.
Wonderland.
Touch it freely.
Intoxicating.
****** space,
****** no more…
Beheld for the first time,
By me.

The tears of an angel fall quietly in the night;
Broken wings that cannot take flight,
Hopeless dreams, desperate aspirations,
Reserved and shy are future salutations.
Heavy is the heart that is left behind,
Opened eyes are now found blind.
Reconciling pinions and mending wounds,
for lifetime passages beneath full moons.
Another touch, downy feathers fall.
With hope she waits to receive loves call.
Gentle morning with each moments passing,
Waiting for love's kiss everlasting.
Steadfast and patient,
but the angels still cry,
Once she is free, her wings again fly.

He was there when I needed,
He went above and beyond.
He was a hero in my eyes and in my mind.
Worlds apart,
I trembled at his touch;
Touch?
If only.
I would listen to him speak;
on the edge of every breath.
Hearing, feeling, but knowing
That it will never be.
Heroes fade away in time...
He is no different.
Already distant and aloof;
He is there for me no more.
The broken trust, so much like shattered glass.
I am left alone again,
To pick up the pieces of what’s left,
Of the hero in my eyes.

Above the lake, amber rays of golden sun pierce the morning sky.
Crystal clear dew drops acts as prisms
On the blades of brilliant green grass and leaves.
The fauna around the lake are quiet and still,
Except for a single bald eagle in search of a morning meal.
Oh! The majesty.
Her pristine white head;
Her regal posturing and hunting techniques…
She is nothing less than awesome.
The lakes reflection mirrors the lake and mountains that surround it, so perfectly; one cannot tell where the lake ends and the sky begins.
They appear as one, seamless…
Perfect.

I feel alone sometimes;
Even in the midst of all the chaos.
The hustle and bustle of the world carrying on around me.
It is so busy, yet I move so slowly.
Isolated from it all.
As if watching it from afar;
not a part of it; but apart from it.
The loneliness Leeds to sorrow and it engulfs me,
Draping me with its darkness and solidarity.
At times, I feel I can’t pull myself out of it and that it will consume me.
That’s when I ask...
“Please?” I say,
“Come sit with me, talk to me, just be with me?”
Anything” I plead.
They seldom do;
And so, I go on;
Feeling alone sometimes.

It’s hard to be in the “here and now”,
When your mind is continuously flooded with memories of the past and fears about the future.
The “I can’t believe” and “What if’s”,
That haunt me almost hourly,
Seem to pull me from the “here and now”.
What exactly does that mean?
A state of mind, perhaps?
Constantly being aware of one’s surroundings?
I’ve been from time to time…
When observing nature or something beautifully awe inspiring.
But is that what’s meant by “the here and now”?
Until I discover its meaning; I suppose,
I'll have to stay “there, and then”,
Rather than “Here and Now”.

He was there when I needed,
Above and beyond.
He was a hero in my eyes and in my mind.
Worlds apart,
I trembled at his touch;
Touch?
If only.
I would listen to him speak;
on the edge of every breath.
Hearing, feeling, but knowing
That it will never be.
Heroes fade away in time...
He is no different.
Already distant and aloof;
He is there for me no more.
The broken trust, so much like shattered glass.
I am left alone again,
To pick up the pieces of what’s left,
Of the hero in my eyes.

Loneliness;
An emotion I know all too well.
I feel it intensely.
Sometimes it’s too much.
I can hear my heart beating,
Breaking within the silence.
I’m missing you.
I have the memory of you etched in my mind
And upon my spirit.
I know we will never be;
And this saddens me further.
I’m missing you.
I am hopeful that we might, one day, meet again;
If only for a brief goodbye.
I’m missing you so.
Perhaps on the other side of this life,
There is an eternity in which we are together.
My spirit has been forever painted by the colors of your aura.
I’m missing you.
I can only imagine the joy and warmth your touch would bring.
I’ll live on the dream,
The hope and the wish for your love and attention.
I know while we live, I will never receive what I want,
What I need from you;
I’m still missing you.

Hushed and stale, is the isolated marsh, in the predawn hours.
Its curvaceous waterway sharply twisting through the dark moss, that weeps from the trees above.
The water is placid and foreboding.
Energy from the life forces of the creatures that dance in the light, ignite a new world of embers.
As the morning dawns, the colors become more vibrant and the curtain is pulled back to reveal,
The beauty and spectacle of the marsh.

There's a bridge that crosses a River of Tears.
The river that flows is fueled by fears.
On a bridge stands a tree that burns.
Engulfed within is a heart that yearns.
Yearns for a love, once known now lost.  
The price is high but no matter the cost;
Once reaped now sewn, we've both been shown.
True love like gold will never rust.
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.

Yeah, you could say I’m a *****.
But I’ve been through some ****;
Hard times, bad lies, lost loves…
Been there and done that.
I’ve seen a few things that have made me cold.
But only after caring for people that never game a **** about me.
So, yeah, I’ve put up some walls, and fences, and doors, with locks.
To protect myself and my spirit from pain and destruction.
I do not believe those who make empty promises with blank stares.
Who pledge their love and loyalty with a knife at my back.
No one has stayed to pass the test of time and prove me wrong.
Fancy words and compelling speeches, mean nothing.
Actions… are everything.

April’s bed and breakfast

She walks the wooden floors with bare feet;
Something she’d never do before.
It’s quiet; so quiet.
Making her coffee, she hears a noise and turns to say,
“ Good morning honey.”.
Habit.
The dog looks up, and then recoils to his warm spot near the stove.
April never realized how lonely, lonely could be.
At her age, she could use more laughs than cries;  and now’s a good time…
She thinks out loud,
“ there just isn’t anything funny about this .”

He wants what he wants when he wants it
And he wants it all now.
He is selfish to the core.
He takes and takes,
And offers no remuneration.
No exaggeration.
He is my addiction.
A distraction;
And I want him no more.
I give him freely,
To no-one willingly;
And with meaningful regret.
But I don’t want him;
I don’t need him.
I can’t have him and not have him.
So, I release him, surrender; set him free.
Free to let me be.
To be me;
To be.