i sit within this darkened room
while contemplating death
examining my life ahead
each day’s become a test

i need to ascertain the core
and reason for my pain
because if i don’t find it soon
i won’t see morrow’s day

my bourbon’s neat and mind’s a mess
i’m barely holding on
it’s been some time since she left me
still mourning that she’s gone

i need to reconcile this loss
in turn becoming whole
for Jesus has prepared a room
for her eternal soul

my faith reminds that i will see
this mitigates my pain
is patience what i’m want to learn
‘fore i see her again

Lord please forgive my daily sins
these wages i have earned
i’ve gone through an internal war
i’ve lessons yet to learn

last thoughts that i will have
shall ever be of you
anticipating what will come
when all of this is through

last words that leave these lips
shall be your lovely name
i’ll cry it out with passion for
as long as breath remains

last words that i shall hear
will come from our own child
it’s alright dad,  just go to her
i’ll see you in awhile

last breath that i shall take
will follow with a kiss
the one from you, the other from
the daughter whom i’ll miss

last days you spent with me
i’ll treasure for all time
just know that i’m at rest, li’l girl
your mom and i are fine

more alcohol has passed these lips
than waters fill the seas
more tears have rained upon this face
than storms could ever dream

so numb is just a daily goal
that kills my agony
unfortunate, or is it not,
it’s also killing me

i was responsible, my friend
throughout my entire life
but when i lost the one i love
it cut me like a knife

so pour a drink in memory
and pour another  one
for when the bottle’s dry, you see
the drinking isn’t done

the numb lasts but for just one night
it’s all to ease the pain
but when tomorrow comes, my friend
i’ll do it all again

at times I find it hard to breathe
as thoughts of you drift by
i reach out to these wisps of dreams
and bow my head to cry
for these are all i’ve left to hold
of these and nothing more
but love i need to give to you
this girl whom i adore

and in this life where once you lived
there now exists this pain
tormenting to my very core
to ne’er see you again

i’m suffering while in this world
a world without my wife
i’ll fall down on my knees and pray
that day i lose my life

for then we’ll be forever locked
into our lost embrace
from trembling lips i speak the words
i love you to your face

we didn’t have a picket fence
of white in our front yard
and lived from check to check most times
when times were pretty hard

we scraped and borrowed monies from
our families on both sides
and felt such an embarrassment
while swallowing our pride

through all the years this lesson called
self-sacrifice reveals
that only love that’s pure enough
survives the cards life deals

but if your love’s foundation’s built
on God’s forgiving Grace
your family withstands any storm
or difficulties faced

in Lord we trust to carry us
when we are lost and weak
we learned from past experience
in God we have to seek

so looking back upon our life
we saw that we were blessed
we always had the love that bonds
and strived to meet His tests

His love and yours is all i need
all earthly things mean naught
for where my treasure thus resides
be where my heart is sought

reasons to live and one to die
these are the thoughts
from a widower's mind
darkness prevails and most often wins
drowning in sorrow, self-pity and sin
for each mortal step brings me closer to her
and God's mighty wrath i most likely incur
yet over my shoulder they're screaming at me
it's not what she wants and why can't you see
but if i choose life am i walking away
from the love of my life by prolonging the day
that we are together forever as one
this thought at face value is morally wrong
yet as humans we strive to avoid any pain
by whatever means and without any restraints
the decision does lie in the palm of my hands
to live with this pain and all it's demands
or slowly with malice drink till i am gone
thoughts of nothing but me, forsake every one
the choice is so simple so easy to choose
Lord give me the strength for it's my life to lose
reasons to live and one to die
these are the thoughts
from a widower's mind