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Every day I hear a song
I see a place
Or a familiar face
And my heart aches

Of a place
Of a time
Of a special rhyme

The entire time
I thought
I missed you
I longed
For us
that's not what it was
It's not what it is

I found myself in you
When you left
I left too
I've been gone
I'm still searching
For her
For me
For what I was
And want to be

This poem isn't about you
It's about me
Finding me
I've been gone
For so long
God I miss her
Her power
Her kindness
Her braveness
Her tenacity
Everything
That used to be me

Where is she
Buried in sadness
Buried in sickness
Coughing
Crying
Dying
Lying
Into
My grave
One foot
Away
I guess I'm pretty brave
For someone who's a slave
To my own body
My own mind
I feel like nobody
I don't see the stars
I don't feel the love
I just know pain
And shame

Where's the girl
With all the hope in the world
So much so
She healed others
And brothers
And sisters
The whole world
Would be healed
By the girl
With all the passion
In the world

She's gone
Gone
Gone
I'm crying for her
The memories of her
Laughing
And loving
Not ever knowing
Even more cruelty
To come

Only knowing
A one way road trip
To fun
beauty,  bravery
And sincerity
Everything
With such clarity
Wasted away
Three years or probably more now
I lost count
In my bed
Body full of rusted lead
Poisoning my head

I may as well be dead
Somewhere out there
Lost in a service plaza
Killed by monsters
And death himself
Swallowed me up
And never spit me out
Hello Daisies Apr 21
I am a gut
Bloated and acidic
I am  veins pulsating
In pain
I am nothing
And everything

I am like a zombie
Purple and
not breathing
What's keeping
A hold on me?

I am a head
Pulsating
And stabbing
I am but eyes
Blurry and deceiving
What's causing
This bleeding ?

I am fingers
Numb and gone
I am but legs
Aching
And wrong
Falling
To the ground

I am a heart
Shaking rapidly
Pulsating sadly
I am
Anxiety
Twisting and turning
Nauseated and burning

I am
I am
I.  ..
Am
Falling apart
Miserably
And fast
I'm not going
To last

I am not human
I am a mystery
Nobody cares to discover
Lost and put under covers

I am not me
I am not alive
I cannot thrive
I am
What doesn't matter
Thrown and tossed aside

All I am
Is pain
And more money
To gain

I remain
As all this pain
To them
More money to gain
I am
An illness
That will forever
Remain
Chained
In this body
With no humanity
Left
To retain
I've been very ill for sometime now
Hello Daisies Feb 13
It was deafening
Threatening my very
Being
My very
Me
They made me bleed
Nothing
No hue
No you
No blue
Or red
Or pink
Or love
Anything

They said to take it
It'll help
They said to make it
Or they'll tell
I didn't try
And they don't know why
So take it
Take it
Take it..

Let it rip your ears out
Rip the drums away
Tear the plums away
No shade
Only grey
All day
Every way

Who can live this way?
No sad
No glad
Only racing
Only bad
Only something
So they're not
Mad

I was nothing
Merely a vessel
Of blood and beating
Beating to nothing
Just physical pain
No gain
No lanes
No driving
No freedom
No air in my hair
No air in my lungs

Just guns
To my soul
Guns
In my pool
Guns
Instead of drums
BANG BANG
in my head
BANG BANG
I felt dead

They tried
To take me away
They lied
And said it's okay
They smiled
As I told them it's pain

They ******* tried
They lied
And they denied
Me help
They kept me
Melting away
They kept me
Locked in a cage
They kept me
Without any ears
I couldn't hear
I couldn't
...hear

I couldn't bare
Not to hear
The drums
The reds
The hues
The lows
And the beats
The tunes
And melodies
The breeze
The bliss
I couldn't ******* stand this
I missed
So much
Beauty
Feeling it dancing in my skin
Again
I know
I'll never let them win
Never
Ever
Ever
I'll never swallow another
Gun
I'll never allow
Another
Run
Of this
Emptiness

I'm forever in love
With the multicolored noises
That keep me breathing
That keep me dancing
That keep me
Alive
Inside

The emotional drums
That fills my lungs 🫁
Just experienced anti depressants again that made me worse lol
Hello Daisies Aug 2023
I thought
How can it be hard
Anymore
It's such an open door
To be you
To be all the hues
How could it be
I forgot about me
Never honestly
Being
... me

I've told my story
I've opened up
They were nice ..
Enough
But
It's rough
They forget
I don't spit
It out
I keep it
Out
Of light
*** it might
Upset
So I let them
Forget

"Bi?
Bisexual?
That's so stupid
That's so gross"

Just in causal talking
Obviously forgetting
Me

"It's like you were in love with her"
"Let it go
Let her go"

It's like they didn't know
She didn't know
they did
They did
Yet I hid
The fireworks
The moon
Every single
Noon
Id spend
Loving you

I forget
The pain I felt
Sitting on a swing
Just ******* crying
*** what if I am?
What if I really am ?
What will I do
My god what would
He
Do
To me?
I'm disgusting

Then I let it go away
Til that day
Or it was everyday
I was with you
I knew
I knew
It was me
I was disgusting

How could I forget
Of course the doors not open
Not for everyone
Not even for myself
I still hide on a shelf
Even after revealing oneself
Never completely
I hide that bit of me
As just girlish
Drunken fun
Always on the
Run
From her
Those feelings shouldn't
Occur
I make it a blur
The love I felt for her
Or her
Or me

That part of me
I find a tragedy
I love her
So sweet
So soft
Why can't she
Belong
Gabrielle and xena
Willow and Tara
I've watch
I've seen
Love
On tv
But those
Those lovers
Made me feel
Pure
Made me feel
Sincere
Made me
Me
That was my destiny

I fell in love like that
She didn't feel it back
We were friends
I played pretend
Like I do with everybody
Hiding my entire body
My mind
I'm not shy
Just ashamed
Of what I can't
Explain

I love both
I cherish both
That is me
That is me
That's my destiny
I'm sorry
Hello Daisies Aug 2023
It's like I know
I'm a mess
I know I'm full of stress
I'm depressed
I'm a total wreck

I know it hurts my health
I know it kills my cells
I know I live in hell
But

Without it
Who would I be?
Without it
What would I see
Without it
I can't believe
In me

I've learned to live
Without calm bliss
I've learned to kiss
Every scar
Every war
My mind
Plays

I have to stay
I cannot stray
I'm too afraid
On a deeper level
Then what ifs
And what nots
It seems like it's a lot

To lose
To choose
What to do

I've learned to love me
Even tho I hate me
I've learned to live
Like this
I make my art
I play my part
I'm afraid to change
After 26 years
To become someone else
Is a huge fear
I just learned
To love this girl
With this choice
It could change my world
Change it all
What if I fall
What if I'm mean
What if I'm not clean
What if I'm boring
What if I'm snoring
What if
What if
I'm not me
The pieces I love
The things I hold above
What if they leave
Like everyone else
What if I can't believe
In the father above
What if I'm gone

Tell me
If I choose this
What if???
Hello Daisies Jul 2023
Old memories flood in me
So so many
Storms of memories
Of you
Of me
Of everything
I once dreamed

I was so deeply in love
never to touch
You
I wanted to know you
I wanted to show you
My heart

I saw magic
With us
You are why
I believed in
The sky
At night
At sunlight
The moon
The romance
The perfect chance
To steal
A kiss
To feel
The bliss

I remember it
So vividly
I held onto you
You kept me living
Breathing
Full of
Hope
You helped me
Fight
So many demons
You helped me
Survive
For so many reasons

I never could thank you
You might find me crazy
You probably always knew
The crush I had on you
It was awkward
Embarrassing
Yet sweet
And charming

I love you
not in that way
I adore you
For helping me
Stay
Alive
Most nights
I wanted to die.
when I saw you
My hope shined through
You gave me a chance
To sparkle
To shine
To leave my pain
Behind

I kept a photo of you
To never forget
To never regret
I treasured every moment
They were small moments
Meant nothing to you
I was just a small girl
In your large world,
But you were everything
To me

Never mean to me
You spoke to me
You were kind to me
That's all I needed
You were beauty
To me
In my eyes
You gave me reason
To realize
I could love
I could climb above
And feel
It all
Feel the helpless
Romance
Feel the imaginary
Dance
Feel my heart
Beging to
Prance

You gave me
Everything
I needed
To be a girl
You gave me a
Whole entire
Shimmering
World

I had a chance
To grab ahold
To have you
To find us
To see it through
I decided
It's best to
only pretend
To know
All of you
I never want
The magic
The secret
Taunt
To go away
No
I want the romance
I dreamed of
To stay
So to you
I strayed
I ran far away
Part of me wanted to play
all of me knew
To keep away
So I can hold onto
My feelings
My hope
Of girlhood
Of a sweet, Romantic
Rope
I clung to so tight
I never wanna see
A night
Where that could be tarnished

So thank you
For being my
Sweetest crush
For the most
Innocent of lust
For letting me
Feel
Without limitations
For letting my mind
Run wild
With imagination
It kept me alive
It kept me burning
With passion

Thank you so much
For the beautiful journey
And lesson
Thank you
For being you
You have no idea
Of what you saved me
Through
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