Flowers are the breath of the Earth
The music of the birds
The daughters of the trees
Kisses of the stars
Art of the universe
The clouds companions
Muse of the sun

Kurt Cobain
February 20 1967- April 5 1994

Waiting for the train
Toes of my boots on the edge of the yellow line
Stand back from yelllow line
Reads a sign straight infront of me
I think about how quickly I could end everything
Steps a bit further
I take a deep breath
Tears welling up within my tired eyes
My breath comes out shaky
Shaking my head as I step away
Wiping away the tears that overflowed my scarlett eyelids

Glancing around, I wonder
Who would have saved me?

             I'm not to sure I would save me

Skating on the cold frozen ice
My friends breath swirling around us
We laughed and smiled
As the shivering mountains looked down on us

Cheeks rosy
Noses bright red from the cold
Smiles all round as we laughed
Thoughts of Christmas on our minds

Making our way through town
Couples holding hands
In love
Christmas lights decorating pillars
Smiles

Sitting in the cozy café drinking
London fog tea
Hot chocolate
Whipped cream swirled on top
Like the outside mountains

I think of how great this day has been
The feeling of joy

Memories of you claw
endlessly
at the back of my delicate mind
iron nails dragging
down that charcoal chalkboard
SCREAMING

Photoflashes off all those
endless moments, blinding me
images I can not seem to burn
could I please
pour the gasoline
ignite
let the flames engulf
the memories

Let them degrade to ash
let the ash settle
into the roots of my wilted flowers
let the sun shine again
like it used to shine
like it did
oh
so long ago

You are nothing but ash

You toss my heart around like a toy yo-yo on a thin fraying string
Oh please watch that string,
Fear swells in my throat like child's gumball
Please don't let that string fray to far
I'm trusting you with so much
But Please Please don't let my heart go swinging into an abyss

Rough washcloth
Gentle hand

My lips are ****** from biting down to hold the tears in.

You
are no lesser than the stars and their astounding beauty
You
breath in the same oxygen as the summer birds
You
live for a purpose
You
are not a waste of space
You
are much more than space
You
are more beautiful than a vast growth of wild flowers
You
are a child of the universe you have a right to live

Standing just outside the chapel doors
My brother holding the urn that held your ashes
My sister on his left, I on his right

I told myself
"hold it together, hold it together"
God, I didn't want to cry
But just as the musician started playing the piano
Tears welled up within my sorrowed eyes
My heart started to beat so hard I thought it would burst out of my chest
I felt the eyes of so many people follow us as we walked down what seemed to be an everlasting walk
All the people who loved you
That had been affected by your spirit
By the loss of your beautiful soul

Lighting the candles that surrounded you was so ******* hard
My hand was shaking so hard
Tears blurred my vision
Why had this terrible disease chosen you to conquer, why would depressions demons choose such a selfless human being to take from such a loving family

I can't believe she's gone
I still expect her to walk throught the front doors with our dog Shilo
My dogs tail would be wagging her goofy tounge hanging out of her mouth
My dad would go and embrace her in his warm bear hug
Kissing her gently
She would tell us about her run
How the wind was so fierce
How Shilo went chasing after deer in the park and how worried she was when she ran away
But only to have her come bounding back over the frozen underbrush
****
All I can think of now is my mom in that car listening to the iPod with the music pulsating into her ears
Slowly drifting of into a never ending sleep
Shilo would lay down between the seats, where her droopy dog eyes would slowly close to dream about chasing rabbits or deer in the park
****
It's a never ending film that keep replaying in my sorrowed mind.

I kiss the moon
Lips melting onto mine
The cold seeping beneath my ivory skin
Wrapping around my glass ribs
Heavy fog resting in my lungs
Breathing out icicles
Frost lacing my eyelashes
Stars drinking me in
Cliffs taunting me to dance
Off into the dreamy haze
Crisp night air swirls in my violet veins
The night is my ecstacy
Oh and I have never felt so high

And so here I sit, staring at a piece of paper filled with names of songs to play at your funeral
All of them untold letters what I wish I would have said to you

The record player sits on my desk
I set the needle on the charcoal vinyl
Elvis Presley- Burning Love
Escapes the speakers
Ready to dance
The static retro crackle
Makes me want to live in the 1950's
Music loops around in my head

Sunshine illuminating onto my floor through the window
I dance as light as the clouds in the pool of sunshine
I smile
Your kisses lift me higher
Like the sweet song of a choir
And you light my morning sky
Burning Love

Spreading my arms out wide
My laugh bursts out of my corrupt lungs
Slipping past my crimson red lips
I breath the music
Notes carrying my body across the floor
Skirt billowing out around me
As I twist my summer hips back and forth
Music is melting into my mind
I spin faster
I am so free
So care free
So nostalgic

Burning Love
Burning Love
Burning Love
*Burning Love

Oh and my dear how I could love you
*but will you allow me

Laying in the middle of the field
Dead grass pricking my shoulderblades
I'm up against the sky
Drowning in ocean of clouds
Tree's stretching their achy limbs
After long hibernation
Sunshine gold kisses my flower petal lips
Crimson as my love

I remember phoning my best friend
crying into the phone
My entire core collapsing in on itself
I was sobbing words into the phone
They felt like shards of glass coming out of my mouth

"****, I have never cared about anyone
I have never ******* cared about anyone but my ******* self
All I ever do is pity my ******* self
I do not matter
What the ****"

You told me what I wanted to hear
That I mattered and all that
or thats what I could remember as the champagne bubbles clouded my thoughts.

I hung up, not knowing if I had finished the conversation or not
I focused ******* the steps as I stumbled my way up the stairs.
Collapsing in front of my dresser
Wanting something
I knew what I wanted at the time
I wanted a blade
Anything
Anything to take my ******* self hate away
The horrible words I had thrown

I layed with my head on the cold tile floor
cold metal blade in my hand
four new Scarlett marks on my thigh and ivory tear stains on my cheek.

Tired bruises
bloomed under her eyes
like spring flowers

Her voice
once singing like canaries
drowned
into a whispering breeze

And that soft smile
so warm
desinegrated to ash

Vanishing into oblivion

Here I am
My skin is saddening
She holds the barrier with life
She holds out against the world

She has taken the battering of time
Frail as a leaflet in a decaying newspaper
She yearns for the soft embrace

For time to heal
Time to forget all left wounds
She was once diminished by strong crimson lines

But now there are three
Three crimson line born anew
Crimson lines to match the soft pale blue

Sunshine pooling onto our winter bodies
Seeping into our brittle winter skin
Puddles splashing out from under my feet
A chilling breeze sends shivers up my spine

Or maybe its you?
As you walk so close to me
Your hand occaisionally brushing mine

Rushing water singing from the near river
Ice drifting slowly away
You slowly wrap your hand around mine
And I let you, yes I did

As our arms swayed back and forth between us
Oh and I could feel the way your knuckles grazed my hip along the soft fabric of my skirt.

My heart did slow looping dances in my chest

Our parents always told us
no drugs
I ask myself
why not

Sitting here inhaling toxic fumes
smoke dancing about in my tired lungs
stimulant seeping into my blood
am I dreaming?
Wilted flowers seeming to lift
take another deep breath
inhale, let the smoke corrupt your tired lungs
its their sunshine

My laughter
SINGS
a spring bird flying up
into the oceanic sky
Music notes
dance around me
through my body
as if to their own melody

I wish I could join them
I could almost swim
music runs through my frail fingers
just like warm spring water, filling my ears

Without drugs
How could I grow my flower garden

I'm feeling super run down and sad. Its been a while, it sometimes comes and goes and other days are better. But its so hard, its mostly at nights where there is nothing to distract my brain. Maybe its even when i am just at home. I feel alone, and i know people are around me to care. I just can't bring myself to feel cared for. I just hate myself for some reason and so strongly that I can't control it and don't know where it is coming from.  Its hard for me to recognize my future and if I have any potential. I have been striving to obtain happiness but I have no idea what happiness is because I haven't felt it for such a long long time. I can't remember when I carelessly laughed. I also might just be feeling bad for my self. Maybe I'm just being dumb and don't need anything. I want to seek a future where I can breathe fresh air and that's all I need to bring me joy. I want to be able to be alone and not feel lonely any more. I want to embrace my own silence and be able to control my brain. K want to know where my insecurities and self hatred stem from. I want to learn how to feel loved and how to give love to other people within my own realm of comfort. I'm lost and confused.

I sat on the cold hard ground
My tears soft as the velvet cloudless sky
Slowly breathing
Inhaling one star at a time
Trying to light up my mind
Feeling the ice crack within my lungs
Everything is in slow motion
My blood no longer runs like a rapid thundering river
Slowly it seeps through the broken arteries of my heart
So much has changed, I think of how much I have aged
I can feel the invisible demons clawing their way back
I will sigh as I can hardly control them
As they multiply like a virus
They are silently waiting now
Waiting for something
The perfect moment to release their toxins
But for now
I lay on the silent ground
Listening to the earth breath
Allowing the winter night to swallowing me
Nature keeping the demons at bay

The chill bites into my blossoming heart
My heart beats for you
Flying like a summer robin
I sit beneath the cold howling moon
I feel the pull of the earth as we near fall, it's a slow whir of trees and stars
My mind is hazy as a cloud settles onto my thoughts
Porcelain skin lights up under the soft caress of the moon as it is a better lover than any boy
My hair tumbles endlessly to the ground as it wraps into the freezing ground, connecting me to te ground

"Why did you paint your walls white?"

"Because its my future, a fresh start, a second chance."

Sprinting down the steep hill
Running with the birds
Dancing along the barren ground
Arms spread out wide to embrace the wind
As it drags its whispy claws through my glass ribs
Hair whipping agaisnt my cold white cheeks
Caught on the frost on my scarlett red lips
Taking drags of oxygen instead of drags from cigarettes
Lungs burning
Its just you
You and the beauty of the wind

I witnessed life and death
In the same week

Death
Listened to a heart breaking phone call
My loves voice on one end
His voice
Broken shards of glass
As I heard him choke out the words
"My friend was killed in a car crash"

My dear friend (who is reading this)
I don't expect you to understand
That Death is the ultimatum
That Death has the ability to destroy
Many things in our lives
It succeeds with so little effort
It may send the people who are effected off the rails
Or it may push some to their own SUCCESS,
now that destiny is up to the individual.
To take the reigns and guide their life

Life
I witnessed life this week
The bonding of a couple in love
Quite frankly I don't know the couple

My dear friend (who is reading this)
That LOVE is the ultimatum
It will twist individuals into their
Personal growth
Or it can simply destroy one.
It takes compassion and trust
As you are giving yourself to someone
To care
To allow growth
But love is evil at times,
people tend to abuse the power of love

Life and Death
Take balance
But you must experience it all to
LIVE

I think i finally figured it out
The reason why I am so afraid to love
Afraid to show my passion for you

I was chained in darkness
Trapped by being his secret
Trapped by not being good enough
Not good enough for him to feel pride about
So I was kept his secret
Always just another girl
Kept away like an abandoned toy
Just for him to come and play with
Only there for when he was bored
Playing with my emotions
My heart was attached to a string of a yo-yo
Back and forth
Back and forth
Down and up
Down and up

That is why I am afraid to show my love
Because I am terrified of being toyed with
Petrifyed of being abandoned
Of being another secret

Secrets are fun
Unless you're one

Tea is key.