These poems do not live: it's a sad diagnosis.
They grew their toes and fingers well enough,
Their little foreheads bulged with concentration.
If they missed out on walking about like people
It wasn't for any lack of mother-love.

O I cannot explain what happened to them!
They are proper in shape and number and every part.
They sit so nicely in the pickling fluid!
They smile and smile and smile at me.
And still the lungs won't fill and the heart won't start.

They are not pigs, they are not even fish,
Though they have a piggy and a fishy air --
It would be better if they were alive, and that's what they were.
But they are dead, and their mother near dead with distraction,
And they stupidly stare and do not speak of her.

Infidelity (noun) \ ˌin-fə-ˈdel-ət-ē \
Betrayal of a vow. Or whispered otherwise, the first time Coyote tasted the salt of my wrist, when lightning seemed to have waited to arrive. Grandmother would call it shadow-marriage, the reminder that paper rings and courthouse oaths cannot bind the spirit. It flowers soft and fragrant, sweet as mesquite after rain.

Myth (noun) \ ˈmith \
A traditional story, especially one natural or social phenomena. Or in another tongue, to be called Inanna while pulling my hair back, as if the goddess herself had crawled from shadow to breathe on his neck. I laugh because I’m no goddess- just a woman with cracked nails and unpaid bills. Still, myth enters flesh like fever, and we burn until the walls drip with story.

Body (noun) \ ˈbä-dē \
The physical vessel. Or in another telling, the altar on which every promise is tested. My body knows what paper cannot: the way desire bruises, the way grief leaves its thumbprint. Flesh remembers long after the mind has lied itself clean.

Eros (noun) \ ˈer-ˌäs \
Passionate love. Or spoken otherwise, a hunger that follows me like a stray through desert parking lots, its tongue bright with need. Eros offers scraps, sometimes nothing, and still I remain, hollow with wanting, certain one day I will eat from his palm. He is no child, he comes like a jackal-god- wild, luminous, not easily bound.

Pulchritude (noun) \ ˈpəl-krə-ˌtüd \
Beauty. Or carried on another breath, the ache. I see him sketching a body not mine, tracing hips that could belong to any girl at the bus stop. I know beauty is a weapon sharpened against me. Still, in his eyes I find fragments- cheekbones my father gave me, hair dark as my mother’s shame- briefly holy, before the mirror cuts again.

Unravel (verb) \ ˌən-ˈra-vəl \
To come undone. Or in another telling, the way every thread between us shivers like a web in prairie wind- fragile, trembling, already near to breaking. Spider Grandmother whispers that love weaves and unweaves in the same breath. The art lies in knowing when to let the strands snap, and when to hold fast, even as your hands begin to bleed.

They ask which magic I’d choose-
not flight, not vanishing into air.
I want the old power,
the one Grandmother spoke of:
to call back all that’s gone,
to open the cedar door
into the room of lost things.

I’d find the turtle
I lost in the summer grass,
its shell etched with desert wind.
The story my best friend tore apart,
still trembling in her fists.
And my mother’s Pucci dress
green as cactus pads,
pale as celery,
wild as Kokopelli’s laughter.
Mommy, wear your dipsy-doodle dress,
begging, small hands tugging at her wrist.

I see the red-carpet stairs,
her laughing- Look, I’m on the red carpet
before the mountain swallowed the house whole.
Adult voices dropped into whispers:
trials, blood, ****** braided into coffee steam.
I breathed it in,
the way children once breathed poison
from arsenic wallpaper.
And then the house was gone.

But in the room of lost things,
the house stands again.
My mother waits at the piano,
head tilted in a model’s pose,
her green dress shining like emerald glass,
knee-high boots braced on red carpet.
From the shadowed corner steps the man
she kept in photographs.
Slowly, haltingly,
she takes my hand,
leads me not to him
but to my father-
the one who still sings in my blood,
the one who never forgets me.

When she was younger,
my aunt wandered open houses-
asking about appliances, disclosures-
never to buy.

She walked through other lives,
voices echoing in bare hallways,
curry pressed into kitchen walls,
towel shelves labeled for Stuart and Ashley,
a dead wren curled in the attic vent,
angel ornaments nailed to a maple
with a plaque For the lost children.

She despised the staged ones-
rooms polished too clean,
gray carpets that never knew a body,
couches that never sagged
with anger or grief.

She wanted mess,
hair in the corners,
cracked linoleum like dry riverbeds,
a house confessing itself.

I once saw her return,
shoulders tight against weather,
keys like a rattle she never learned to use.
She climbed the stairs to her condo
above the clipped green of the golf course,
set her coffee on the sill,
and sat quiet-
her life ordered,
pared down,
afraid of leaving
any trace behind.

She never spoke of the reservation,
and I never saw it.
Our family folded into the city
like laundry hidden in cupboards,
tamed, pressed smooth.
She prowled those houses
the way I prowl memory,
searching for proof people lived,
uncontained,
unsanitized.

Just a quiet woman polished bright by nerves,
I once felt wild for dipping my hair in purple.
Noticing, my hairdresser asked if I had anyone special.

I dated a man with a good job
who liked museums.
We saw a drunk girl in a leather skirt-
heels hobbling down cobblestone,
her bird-arm linked through a friend’s.
He rolled his eyes:  
would you go out wearing skirts like that?
On the dating app I’d written:
loves dogs, drinks champagne from paper cups.

It wasn’t a lie, but I am such a liar.
I told him yes,
because I needed his reaction,
his self-corrected mind,
though I’ve never worn one.
I say I’m fine with whatever,
or this is stupid,
but truthfully
I’m afraid I’m only a very nice lady,
soft in the hands of whoever will take me.

I carry anger like a weak religion-
a god I light candles for twice a year,
more symbol than practice.
I’ve heard of burying St. Joseph upside down
to sell a house. But there’s no charm,
no saint, for loosening the knots I keep tied.

I want to keep the bright mess of my dog heart,
mud-spattered, mulch-snuffling,
faithful to its own scent,
while crows, squirrels, and the occasional fox
paw through the dirt
for what they almost forgot.

If there are infinite worlds,
there must be one where umbrellas never close-
hinges locked open like stubborn jaws,
gape-mouthed against walls in patient herds.

No one in their twenties owns one,
their hamster-cage apartments
too small for such luxuries.
They ask for rain jackets on birthdays.
Mary Poppins still drifts down Cherry Tree Lane,
her umbrella never folding,
only floating.

Children carry slips home
for violating umbrella laws,
forging signatures in loopy ink.
The Morton Salt girl wears a slicker,
yellow as a warning flare before the flood.

My mother walking me to kindergarten in rain,
transparent vinyl dome above our heads-
I, the opposite of a fish in its tank.
Her hair plastered to her forehead
by the time we reached the door.
Everyone looks most beautiful
with rainwater running down their face.

In the open-umbrella reality,
time can walk backward-
you can unwater a plant,
unpeel a clementine,
un-kiss someone.
Endings lift again,
fabric billowing, as if the story
had been left open in the wind.
Heather and Mike find the road out.
Rosemary tips the bassinet.

There, perhaps, neither of us was born.
What lay between us
stays open too long,
collecting rain until it sags,
slow and certain, like sugar
in the first storm.