Time is moving too fast
and
  I am moving too slow

I chase the light for so long; but then I realized I never knew what light looked like; whatever light I had in me was just a lighter shade of darkness

My insanity became her master piece, built on broken trust she's made an ocean between us.

Leave if you must, but my shores will be empty

History too holds space in the present

We kiss at a party just as everyone else does but it's as if two people had never touched before

We sit at a local coffee shop and it's like half the people speaking have something to prove, the other half deadly silence

Much like our dead reflections in the newspaper. None of this ever talked about but we know

Nothing is queeer than quiet understanding

Except maybe survival

Still We wake up beside eachother and find I've stolen the blanket again in our uncluttered apartment

This is enough to forget about our existence

For awhile

I wish I could build a castle of memories

Just to have somewhere to escape my own

M
    I
      N
         D

My mother doesn't hug me
She didn't know what to do with me
My father had the terrible anger all fathers do
     Loud and terrible
It lingers your whole life

I am not well; I could have built the pyramids with the effort it takes me to cling onto life and reason

My need for another human died a long time ago

You learn to be lonely once you've spent to many nights expecting a stranger to return home

Grief is cold fingertips tapping on my window at night
keeping me
                awake
keeping me
                           aware

I began to realize that even though the violence was over,
I still carried it with me

I still woke up to claw marks outside my bedroom door

I still hold the anger in my stomach as I write letters to myself

begging me to
                         come
                            home

This ache is a constant reminder and the silence is louder than you think

Love
Quickening life’s loss
Forever Held
Held Forever to know nothing is ever
lost

I pressed my head against the cool glass
My hand imprints the humidity that lingers there

The could that never would dances in the reflection of my bloodshot eyes

I was so close.

I want
The
Part
Of
You
That you
Refuse
To
Give

I struggle to hold on to you.
With love comes decay.

Before you arrived
Love was a four letter word
You gave definition

My bones will decay in this unwelcoming body as the word home will echo in some distant euphoric land
I am a trespasser in a country where I was born in to
as my outward appearance reflects the non-conformity that rages in my soul much like the hell fire they  condemn me to

The same inferno will greet them.

Let go of the
illusion that it could
have been any

different

Am
I
Always
Going to
Feel
So
L
  O
     S
       T
?

She smelled like dove soap
We both did, hands freshly washed in the bar's crusted sink

Her smile when I asked to kiss her was coy   curling where our lips finally touched

She was beauty and kindness and I couldn't measure up

I told you from the start
I disappear when it gets cold
But you found a way to keep me here
With a body to hold

And I think of you
When I am drunk in the road in front of your old house
I miss what you do to me
When I needed you and blacked out

I miss you darling
Yeah I guess I'll say it
I know I'm a fool

I stare into the
mirror at a body
that'll never be
home

In my mind there is a house

And I have flung the doors wide open

Only to find it empty

In the distance, I  heard rubber against the pavement

But it wasn't your car