I never could have guessed it,
that addiction would swollow me.
This rabbit hole I've fallen down,
is so **** dark now I can't see.
I want help.
I know that I do,
I make myself sick because,
addiction made them take my kids.


Yet still I sit alone,
getting high
all by myself.
Looking at my future,
now placed high upon a shelf.  
I can no longer reach it,
it's getting higher up the wall.
Or maybe it isn't the shelf that moved,
perhaps its
I
that
began
to
fall?

This addiction keeps pulling me down,
I sink deeper every minute.
I wish I knew how to climb back out,

I wish I wasn't lost in it.

I wish I'd never started down,
the path that lead me here.
But who is it I would be now,
without the past 6 years?
Id be a different person.
Clean?
maybe or maybe not.
But the past 7 years have changed me,



I for sure have learned alot.

I told him
I loved the stars,
because they are so far away and it takes their light millions of years to reach our eyes.
So its impossible to know if the star we are seeing this very moment, is even still a star.  
I told him,
We are looking into the past in real time when we stargaze.
I told him
I loved the uncertainty
Because it made me feel things I once hid from.  

I didnt tell him,
That if I can still marvel at a long dead stars light.
Then maybe after I'm long gone,
after the very last photon of my being has gone dark,

Then maybe theres a chance,
no matter how small,
That oneday my light might still be seen.
So I can finally stop fearing death.

You know I think the reason we lasted so long,
was because with heartbreak after heartbreak......  

I never ran out of things,
to write
about.

So your a fallen Angel now,
but you're flying high.
Eternally untouchable somewhere in the sky.

You were much to young,
taken much to soon.
Im sorry I wasnt there,
I wish we could have saved you.

But it's to late now
and thats just a fact.
I promise we miss you
and all wish for you back.

If there is a heaven up there in the clouds,
then I know you made it in there
and you're smiling down.  
So be at peace my girl,
this is not the end.
Ill catch you on the flip side,
so for now,

Rest well my fallen friend.

I broke her heart.

What else is there to say, except,


"I'm Sorry."  
                                      or

             "PLEASE forgive me."
      

                                             "Please know this isnt your fault."

                  



                    "Mommy loves you."




                                                              Hope that trust again will come with time.
    

                                    And

realize that when Mommy says "I'll see you next week"

                                                     Finally,

she really does.

This empty seat is for the addicts,
who never made it home.
The ones who lost their battle,
on a long lonley road.
Gone but not forgotten,
we keep them in our hearts.
We remember them in silence,
and the knowledge absence imparts.
They sadly could not win the war,
the one that raged inside.
IVE BEEN THEM
so I know one thing,
   I know they really tried.  
So please dont judge the addicts,
you do not know their fight.
Just pray for peace to their souls,
lost silently every night.

I sail this ocean alone every night.
While wondering how much longer I'll fight,
to stay above water on top of the waves.  
  No sight of safety not islands or caves.
I'm alone and I'm drowning in my own despair,
please if you hear me then tell me you're there.
Reach out your hand and pull me ashore. 
I won't let it go this time, not like before.
I don't wish to stay here alone every night,
with nothing but my sorrows in this lonely moonlight.

If I tried to write a "happy" poem,
I wonder what I'd say?
If the words that spilled upon the page
didn't convey any dismay.
Would it feel foreign to me,
As one who writes from a broken heart?
Or would the words uplift my soul,
could it be my new start?
What would I even write about,
the sun the moon or stars?
Or would I write about long ago,
Before my heart bore any scars?
I'm not sure how or when or why,
but I'd like to change my tone.
And start writing about what makes me smile,
instead of what makes me feel alone.

Why do I even witre anymore?
for validation and "likes" ?
I used to write just for me,
and I used to love what I write.
But now I feel like every poem,
is **** if it gets no attention.
When did the comments and "likes" all become,
the biggest part of my motivation?
My poems are still raw and real.
My feelings spilled out on a page.
So when no one says they relate with my words,
How can I know that I'm not insane?
Am I the only one in the world,
Who feels the things that I do?
Please, can anyone hear me?
I'm desperate to hear any of you.

Empty of my feelings,
Devoid of all emotion.
Is this really how you love me,
After I gave you my devotion?
Cheating lying and all the hate,
Spewing venom in your words.
Begging pleading second chances,
can't you see any of my worth?
I wanted to believe you,
When you promised that you'd try.
But deep down I already knew,
That that was just a lie.
So here you leave me broken down,
Alone and without hope,
I tied the noose around my neck,
then I handed you the rope.
Now numb inside my heart is empty,
I guess that was your goal,
You took everything I had to give,
And then you took my soul.

Tattered wings,
now all that remains,
cradled her body,
in her own personal chains.

Trapped and tormented,
her sharp thoughts inside,
remind her she's nothing,
self hate intensified.

Where once she saw beauty,
only blackness remaind,
in the dead of the night,
shadows called her by name.

Whispers surround her,
they beckon from darkness,
she longs to go with them,
but she must remain cautious.

She knows who they are,
and just what they want.
She fought hard to escape them,
she knew they would taunt.

She had washed her hands clean,
and turned her back on them.
She had never wanted,
to see them again.  

With one small misstep,
she will be tumbling down,
no one to catch her,
before she hits the ground.

Laying broken and ******,
and all out of hope,
she wishes for death,
and reaches out for the rope.

Her demons have claimed her,
they have taken her whole.
She tried and she failed,
Crystal **** stole her soul.

Beautiful souls all glory and hope,
destroyed within minutes,
all because of the dope.

They didn't see this coming,
it wasn't their wish,
not one single child
hopes to grow up to be this.

The ****** on the corner,
that you judged as you passed.
Do you really believe
she enjoys selling her ***?

And that man sitting homeless
outside of the store,
as a child couldn't imagine
what his life had in store.

The crackhead downtown
or the methhead on hastings,
had bigger things planned
than their current drug cravings.


It does not discriminate
it hasn't a preference,
robbing parents from children
it gains delight from their absence.

Addiction creeps up on you.
You wont see it coming.
Do you think if they knew,
that they still would have done it?

That mother who's child
C.P.S JUST took away,
now fights suicidal ideation
and self hatered everyday.

Because she wanted to raise her.
That child is her little one,
now shes 4 years old
and calls
SOMEONE ELSE

MOM.

See addiction destroys things
people family and homes.
But please try to remember
it's not ALL a fault of their own.

Peer pressure or trauma
or just one BIG mistake.
It was one bad choice yes,
but should it seal their fate?

Please have some compassion,
look past the outside.
See the child that's hurting,
looking out from an addicts eyes.

Shall I count the days now,
It's 4 thousand 17.
Time is not doing its job,
It's not reduced the pain in me.
Shall I count my tears now,
it's far over 4 thousand 17.
Every day, your memory,
comes back to sit with me.
96 thousand,
four hundred twenty six.
That's the number of hours now,
that you have missed.
Oh, so much has happened,
in the hours you've been gone.
My little girls are growing fast,
they'll be all grow before too long.
Mike and his girlfriend Kendra,
have the cutest ever son.
So I'm auntie Ray-Ray now,
being an aunt is so much fun.
You would have loved baby Jeremy,
he really is quite smart.
And the giggle that kid has,
would have easily stole your heart.
But again, I count the days you're gone,
4 thousand 17.
And I think of all I would have said and done,
if your death had been foreseen.
I could count the minutes,
I could even count the seconds, too.
But all this pointless counting,
doesn't get me closer to you.
As I sit all by myself and talk to an empty room,
I wonder if you're listening and talking to me too.
I wish that I could hear you,
and ask for some advice.
I know you'd know just how I feel,
and how to make things right.
Gut-wrenching soul destroying,
even after eleven ******* years.
I've given up on wondering,
if I'll ever be free from tears.
I miss you uncle I hope you know it,
And I'll forget you NEVER.
Once again, your Tweedy Bird,
Will love you always,
and
forever.

There's a city where people are asleep on the streets,
with nothing to eat,
and some of them even lack shoes on their feet.
A city where overdose deaths are the "norm"
People are fighting for the doorways at night to keep warm.
Fentynal is everywhere and the addicts need help,
but with all of the stigma,
they're to ashamed of themselves.
In this city where people smoke drugs on the street,
and burn hand sanitizer at night for the heat.
Where the rents are to high and income assistance to low.
If you can manage the rent here,
there'll be no food in your home.
Moneys not spent on saving their lives,
no its spent on public art and yet another high-rise.
Tourist attractions and random art pieces,
are great when the overdose deaths AREN'T  INCREASING.
We need social programing and addiction resources,  
some good low cost housing or more food supports.
In a city like this what are the addicts to do,
just stay out of your sight,
as to not offend you?
Cops do Illegal searches and seizes,
and your friends tell you about the most recent  Stanley Park beatings.
In the mornings on Hastings Street the city workers come through,
now destruction of homeless peoples belongings ensues.
They can't even protest this or put up a fight,
because the City Workers come armed with VPD by their side.
This city treats homelessness as if it was a crime,
they are treated like **** that is not worth your time.
If you're homeless here dont  expect any respect,
in fact your human rights don't even have an effect.
This city is sick and its priorities need help.
Vancouver B.C you should be ashamed of yourself.

Appreciate lifes little things,
while you've got the time.
Enjoy your days with those you love,
you never know when they may die.
Smile every single chance you get,
So the world remembers you.
And live the biggest adventure you can,
so your regrets dont die with you.
Teach the ones you love the most,
everything you know.
And take any chance you get to learn,
always let your knowledge grow.
Don't be so over proud,
tame your ego a bit.
But do not have such low self respect,
that you let others treat you like ****.
Love with every bit of your soul,
even though someone will break your heart.
Speak with only honesty,
till your end right from the start.
Laugh at every joke you hear,
and every joke you say.
And if you are laughing alone,
keep laughing anyway.
Cry when you are sad,
if you need to shed a tear.
Never hold back your true self,
Just because you have some fear.
Dance when you hear music,
or sing along if you can.
Who cares if you can dance or sing,
you be your own biggest fan.
Take many many pictures on which later to reminisce.
But dont live life through a camera lens,
or you won't notice what you missed.
This is my advice to you,
dear reader and dear friend.
And I hope these words will stay with you,
Long after my life....
ends.

I wait for you at sunrise, while the world is still asleep.
I wonder where you are right now, did you forget we were to meet?
You've been quite forgetful lately, is everything alright?
It seems these days you can not manage, to keep me on your mind.
Meet-ups that just never happen, because something else came up.
Texts and messages left unread, and phone calls not picked up.
Something's changed inside of you, I can see it in your eyes.
Day by day my love has grown,
While your love  slowly died.

Without him I feel lost,
frozen empty and alone.
Im drifting through a barren sea,
helplessly going where wind blows.
I gave up on being rescued,
quite awhile ago.
Hopelessly  alone forever adrift,  
and noone will ever  know.
No guiding lights to aim for,
No lighthouse on the shore.
My will to live is no longer here,
as it was before.
So until the end of time,
I'll drift dark waters alone.
And live the fantasy that we once had,
Him, me, our daughter, and our home.

Just as the candles flame will extinguish, with time, soon shall all thoughts of this.
     And as the thoughts,
slowly fade away,
the memories are replaced by better ones made.
     So let the fire slowly die,
but always remember, at least YOU tried.  
     And when you feel regret start to resurface,
remember you were treated as if you were worthless.
     You had to let the fire go out,
don't let loneliness turn your mind to doubt.
     You did the best thing you were able,
given no choice you left the unfaithful.
     You need to remember in times when you miss them, that fixing what's broken is just fanaticism.
     So give up and move on you can do this stay strong,
You know in your gut that you did not choose wrong.

I am hopelessly in love with a memory,
An echo from a far away place.
Though I could see the illusion was slipping,
I tried hard just to dream of your face.
The love story that we had written,
It had such a beautiful start.
I was ready and you'd promised forever,
But then you broke us apart.

The rain came down in buckets,
as she sat all by herself.
And with each passing raindrop,
a new more painful memory felt.

Some were bad and yes lots were worse,
but the ones that hurt the most.
Where all the happy memories,
of all the times that they were close.


With smiles on both faces,
And love in both their hearts.
Those were the memories,
with which she wished to part.

Because she can just gloss over,
and not long for the bad times.
But it's impossible to just forget,
When she was his,
And he
.....was .....

Mine.