:)

Been doing this a lot lately. ):

Recently my 3 year relationship ended.
Though I do not feel any emotions yet, I am sure that one random night around 2AM will be there.
Here is to moving on to focus on more important things.

Lately I have been battling Bulimia and this was just a random awareness I thought admist a declining health.

:)

Based upon years of being left and forgotten in many areas.  
It's hard for me to trust and make any friends anymore.
I barely have established a stable relationship due to issues and past of being cheated on, abandonment, being ghosted, and always being that someone who was never someone's first choice or friend.
And yet, I still love and get too easily attached.
I can never be angry or hold resentment...
I just wish others who know this pain, didn't.

Just something random and simple

Be careful how much of yourself you give.
All my life I have prioritized others instead of myself every time.
Be it money, time, help, giving, and love.
I love humanity more than myself, and more than often...I have ignored the pain of being used or taken advantage of.
I hate admitting to myself that I need to take care of myself too, just because it feels selfish.
But after helping so many, there came a point where I looked around and asked myself, "Who am I?"

Helping others...
But I lost a lot of energy and used my years building other people instead of my own.

I really hope this doesn't sound arrogant.
Because it's literally the last thing I care to be.

Based upon my relationship in which over three years now, we have both learned to better care and understand each other's "deep waters".
It's been a joruney of tears, pain and lessons.
But we are now engaged and have grown and learned so much now!

<3

Officially came out as Pansexual today!

Relating to the numbness I get alongside Depression, it's god awful.

:)

Frustration.
Old vent.

I often spend hours at night reflecting or having memories of past abuse and trauma. I am the type to see the level of pain in my abusers than evil. It makes me sad and often...
Has made me look crazy for giving them forgiveness and empathy from a lot of people.
No one is born evil, be it an illness, pain, or even trauma themselves...
I at least try to see some reality in it all.

I don't know, that's just me.

✌

Simple vent.
I hate depression.
I don't know how I am here anymore.

Random.

<3

Just thoughts.

Simple late night vent.
Dealing with multiple chronic illnesses my whole life has left me with such a severe depression, sometimes I wish I could die than live like this.
In the passed month, I had been in E.Rs 9 times and admitted as well. As much as you'd think I would be relieved in the end I have treatment, and found a diagnosis after this years start of flare ups, infections, etc...
I wish at times I would just go to sleep and never wake up.
I am not someone who was ever strong against even the most simplest of pain, held strong in times when something came up, and I have severe anxiety about my health even if it is a small cough, every moment is watching the clock, pill bottles and appointments.

I know others have it worse out there, and I know there is hope...
But in moments like now, I see nothing more than pain the rest of my life and being a failure to every single person around me.

To those of you out there who know or deal with something like this...
I am so truly sorry.
Things like this, I would wish on NO ONE, not even the Devil himself.
I wish-as taken for granted as people are towards health and what they can have-
I would give anything to cure your soul than mine.

(Sorry to rant. It's late, I am trying to keep "dark thoughts" at bay.)

God bless everyone of you, and to good health may you always find.

Random late night words.

Recollecting on trauma and distrust I have for people due to it. It's both a blessing and a curse to love and care so deeply, and sadly, such foolishness has lead me "devoured" before.

:)

2 AM thoughts.

Insomnia...

Based upon my love for people and seeing someone smile. <3

Late night thoughts.