When I say “I’m fine” what I really mean is
I didn’t get a prom
I didn’t get to experience the last half of my senior year
I didn’t get a “proper” graduation
I didn’t get to celebrate my 18th birthday with my friends and family
I got hired just for the business to shut down indefinitely due to ******* gang activity
I don’t get to say goodbye to my friends as they leave to start their lives
And I’m stuck here because I can’t afford college, but my parents make to much for financial aid
Life keeps ******* ******* on me
So when I say “I’m fine”
Just know that I’m ****** up inside
But I just don’t want to bother you
Cause I’m a man, and we aren’t supposed to feel

You were the best friend I had over the last three years
We had our ups and downs
But you didn’t walk away when my arrogance, narcissism, naïveté blinded me
Instead you waited until I healed
Had said the awful things I needed
And had moved on before you let me apologize
There’s nothing left to say but this:
Live your life
And I’ll be there to catch you should you fall

I need something to help forget the pain
All of my friends scattering over the country
And I’m stuck here
I won’t even get to see them go
I need something to forget the pain
Of knowing they’re leaving without saying goodbye
I’m gonna miss them when they’re gone
And there’s nothing I can do

My fingers typed in your name before my brain had a chance to realize
I clicked on your profile, the picture the car you drove daily
And before I knew what I was doing I had already scrolled through
Unable to control myself, I read through your posts
Seeing your new girl
Seeing how happy you were
Seeing that you were living your Happily Ever After

They won’t leave my eyes
No matter how much I want them to
I want them to streak my cracked cheeks
So that I can forget the sorrow that caused them
I want to forget why I need to cry
But no tears appear
No matter how hard I will them
So I sit here
Wishing I could cry

Have you noticed that the ones wearing a mask
Avoiding leaving the house
Not talking to people
Are the ones who need to?
We haven’t left
Save for protesting against inequity in our world
Because we need this to be over
We need to be able to leave
Without worrying about harming those around us
We are the ones that never talked
That now have something to say
We are the ones that never went outside
That now want to experience the world
We are the ones that need our friends
That now can’t talk to them without a ******* phone
We are the ones that need help
That we can’t reach
We put on the mask so that this ends
We seldom leave so that this ends
We keep minimizing our lives so that you can live yours, but you can’t do the same?

You remember two years ago?
That movie day we planned
The one that quickly changed from day to week to month?
The one we planned to do that summer
Before the dreams
Before the ugliness
When we were just three misfits that fit together
Firedrill karaoke singers
The summer yoga masters
When did it all fall apart?
When did we go our separate ways?
We used to be so close, so why did we drift apart?
What ever happened to our movie day?

I never have a steady stream of inspiration
I rarely see things worth writing about anymore
But every now and then
I look at the stars and wonder
“What if..?”

“Make a wish on a shooting star
And it’ll take it beyond the horizon”
I only wish I wasn’t alone

I wish I had someone
Someone to hold and share a blanket
As we look up to the stars
Listening
Living

Months ago, though it feels like years, I told him of three dreams
Dreams that should've been forgotten
Pushed back to the darkest recesses of my mind

I had wanted to talk in person,
But the world went to ****
so I put it off
Until I decided I had to tell him
Typed in a note on my phone I sent him all three and said
"Read this... I need to talk to you"
After that I saw him in class every once in a while
but he always ignored me when I waved

Now an awkward pall hangs over us
He was my first friend at a new school
And now he won't say a word to me
So I guess that note was goodbye...

A year ago I sent a text
Telling of something I had written without remembering
I must’ve been blinded by insecurity and naïveté

As I wrote of the days after
Where I compared myself to characters in a tv show
I wrote of my hatred
Of my pain
Never realizing that I wasn’t writing against him
But attacking myself in turn
For falling under a spell
For allowing myself to be tricked
For looking through those ******* rose colored glasses

I wanted to be stronger than I was
I was ready to hate myself over my stupidity
I was missing everything that I had spent years building and in two weeks got ******* destroyed

There was no cure, no easy solution
Because I read the last line
And knew it was true
“The next time we saw each other
Everything had gone to ****”

They’re all leaving
Going off to college and to work
To live their lives
And I won’t get to say goodbye

Trapped in the Southern parts of town
While they all live in the North
It means I won’t be able to say goodbye
Before they pull up stakes and leave

I won’t be able to to tell them how they changed me
How she made me better
How he made me smile
How they kept me happy
I can’t give them all hugs
With tears streaking my cheeks
And watch them drive off to start life anew

Why am I the one you come to?
Why am I the one who gets asked?
Why am I the relationship man?

I’ve only ever been in one
(and we all know how it ended — in petty poems and petty texts)
But I’m the one you ask advice
On a thing I never got working right

We’ve all been there
Where you just can’t sleep
So you toss and turn
Listening to that song stuck in your head
Mouthing the lyrics as to not wake up others

You scroll through countless apps
Often reopening the same three
Checking to see if anyone has messaged you
Even though you know they’re all asleep
So you lay there
Bored with nothing to do

So you count the bubbles in the popcorn ceiling
Imagining what you would do in situations;
A fire, meeting a celebrity, if you finally meet that special someone
Hoping that you’ll sleep soon
Until you look at the time— an hour till the alarm

No sleep tonight

We judge ourselves by the likes that we get
By a digital heart that lights up
We judge if we're liked by whether other people
Click of a ******* button

People want to know why we hate ourselves
Why when we don't have our stories seen by that one person
we think that we're worthless
And it's because we want to be liked
No,
We need to be liked
We need to be told that it doesn't matter who we are
It doesn't matter what we do
We need to be told that you will always be with us

We judge our self worth not by the things we've accomplished
But by the failures we've had
Because we're told from day one that people will remember them
And sure we're told that it's part of the learning process
But we know it's *******

We judge ourselves by how others act
And we see all the wonderful things that they do
We see the perfect world that people live in,
Full of vacations, pretty pictures, and date nights around the fire
But we never see the lows that people have
So we think that they never failed
And we think that when we fail, we can never recover

We judge our self worth by the click of a button
By the failures we've had, but never the accomplishments
By the vacation photos that others post
by the words that we hear
by the actions that you take

We never judge our self worth by what we think of ourselves
But by what you think of us

Nothing to say other than I made a mistake
And no words can fix it,
No words can fix me

Mistakes were made
I was naïve enough to think that I could fix it
That I wouldn't walk around with a weight on my chest

I thought that I could be open
To show my underbelly and that I wouldn't get hurt
That I would be relieved of all the pain I have
But it was only made worse

I made a mistake
And it was to trust that I'd be happy

Kept in a house
And sure I have a phone
But it can’t help me

We’ve been separated for to long
We’ve lost the fire in our hearts
And replaced it with fury
But that can’t help me

I have a voice that cannot speak
I have a heart that cannot sing
I have a hand that cannot draw
And a brain that cannot think
None of those can help me

We’ve been alone for so long
That we dream of nothing but outside
Yet we fear that we won’t survive
So we just draw the curtains
Blocking out the world

We can’t reconnect quite yet
Though we wish we could
We can’t talk without a cloth in the way
But we need it if we want to stay

We wish we could enter another’s house
We wish we could just talk
But there’s nothing to talk about

I’m trapped in this house
Day in day out
All I see are the same four walls
The same two people
Every ******* day

Nothing to fill my time 5 days a week
The other two I spend talking to the same people
Hoping we have something new to say
But we never do

I fill my time with frustrating lines of code
Never doing what I say
Because of one misplaced semicolon
Slowly going insane
Insaner

Everyday the once large house grows smaller
As I get the diploma
Turn 18
And I can’t leave
I can’t do ****

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
Give me something— anything— other to do
I need something
please

How long will we all be separated
Connected only by screens and internet that gets ******* daily
How long until we can go outside
And talk to each other like normal people
How long until I can feel the grass beneath my feet
Walking through the park
How long will we not be able to see each other’s unobstructed faces
Without fear of dying
How long until we can leave?

Today was the first time in 9 years
I didn’t think about school
Count down on my fingers how long until I had to go back
Today was the first day I wished I could
Just to say a proper goodbye

We got robbed of many things this year
Celebrations of milestones
Excitedly telling friends and teachers “I GOT IN!” or “I GOT THE SCHOLARSHIP!”
Walking through the halls as our classmates cheered us on
Walking across the stage as hundreds congratulated you at the same time
The final moment when you could say goodbye to all the people you know you’ll never see again

Today was the first time I wished I hadn’t rushed off everyday
Who would have thought I’d miss the musty halls
The chatter of students in the halls during tests
The constant ringing of fire alarms
And the safe feeling of a community behind you

Today was the first time I looked at my diploma
And thought about how much I would give
For just one day more with all of them
People come and go, I know
But these people were more than classmates
We were a family

Today was the first time
But it won’t be the last

Today’s the day
I move the tassel left
I get the paper in my hand saying it’s over
Today’s the day we wait for 13 years to see
Every one is excited, but I feel empty
Today’s the day
I leave every I knew behind
The schedule I dreaded following is now over
And I can only wonder
What now?
Today’s the day
I made jokes about how happy I would be today
Yet sadness takes over as I realize
I may never see these classmates—these friends— again
Today’s the day
And I want to go back

Same routine everyday
1) see the world try to free itself from tyranny
2) scroll through countless apps
3) actually get out of bed at 12:00
4) watch Netflix while playing Scrabble
5) eat
6) play video games
7) eat
8) water/ mow lawn and garden
9) scroll through social media until 3 AM
10) sleep and repeat

We live in a world where people are killed
Based on the color of their skin
We live in a world where people live on the streets
Because they were evicted for no reason
We live in a world where people can’t report crimes
Without fear of being deported
We live in a world where people are afraid to speak
Because they fear that they’ll be told their lying
We live in a world where people would rather commit suicide
Than admit that they’re attracted to the same gender
Or because they don’t feel right in their body
We live in a world where someone seeking a better life
Is detained because someone thought they should be

The world is broken
We have to fight to fix it

Today I saw friends I haven’t seen in months
Getting our caps and gowns
A day long awaited
But now that it’s here I wish I could go back

Today we spent hours breaking “quarantine”
I talked to people I barely know
And we hugged as we realized that it would be the last chance
We walked up through the blooming roses
Sat at a gazebo and you smoked
I thought it was intoxicating enough just to see you

Today may be the last time we see each other
And today is the memory I wanted
One where cliques and bad relationships didn’t get in the way of us spending time together
Class of 2020 relaxing in the shade
Sun beating down on the trees around the park

We rejoiced that we were done
We were graduates
We were family

We celebrated all the fire alarms
The teachers
The students
The dumb classes we were forced to take
We celebrated it all

We may not have had a ceremony
But we could still celebrate together

JHS Class of 2020
While we may not have loved every moment
Every moment made us
And for that I thank you

If a picture is worth a thousand words
Why can I only think of three when I see one of you?

In the late hours of the night
The sky dark and cloudy
Lit only by a thin slice of moon
Rain taps against my window

I open it, inviting the intoxicating aroma of fresh fallen rain
As I sit there listening to the tapping
My brain begins to churn out thoughts
Ruining an otherwise perfect moment

The wind rustles the 100 year old tree in my yard
And all I can think of is all I’ve done wrong
A faint rustle of wind and rain hitting the pine needles
and I hear whispers of memories of people I’ve wronged
Until I realize that it’s all in my head

In the late hours of the night I think and remember
But all I need to do is move on

Here I am at the end
Stuck in a house with only my parents
We can’t go out to celebrate
Two major points in my life

I’m graduating in two weeks
The feeling is unreal
I’m finally done with school
But who would’ve thought I’d be so heartbroken
For years we ***** and moan
Thinking of every excuse not to go
Until the time comes when you’re supposed to walk across the stage
And you want nothing more than to go back

A week later is my birthday
And I’m stuck at home
Without even a friend to come visit

Two milestones
And nobody to share it with

I’ve become removed from reality
Lost in worlds where monsters roam free
Some slain and some caught and enslaved
Some worlds where magic destroys the world
But regardless
I’m losing my grip on reality
The outside world fading from view
And soon it will be too late to come back
Shame
I kinda liked it here

I’m rambling
Because I need to
But I can’t ramble with those I normally would
So I will with you
But who said you want to read my rambles?
Who said that what I’m going through is more important— important enough to be read?
Why am I writing this? Will it be— is it what I need— what I feel I need to be accepted— heard— just to be?
What am I doing this for? I was told it was nice to just write
But all it reveals is more pain
Scratching old woulds open
So I sit “bleeding out”
And I can’t stop it
What am I doing this for? ******* it
What is the ******* point?
Why the **** is this **** happening? WHAT THE ****
All I can do is sit as my ******* life falls apart
But it’s not just about me
I know I need to be about me every once in a while but how can I
I feel like I’m not worth it to be worked up over
But here I am
******* anxious because I didn’t care about myself enough
****
I miss last year when none of this **** happened
When all I had to ******* worry about was whether my parents would find out why I was skipping chemistry
Even though I ******* aced that class
Not showing up for a month
And I still aced that final
******* it... no... just stop talking about that
Nobody ******* cares
Nobody cares
And I’m alone— I FEEL alone
People are here for me
People are there... but I can’t... tell them ****
I need someone here
I need my person to be here. In my room. And we could just talk and talk and talk
I need human connection
I’m need people
Xudhdhujsdjeudj!
Dudnxumeisjdksojdidujddudud!
Rudhdrjxensj­dinrjxudnenisnzm!
God ******* **** it why can’t **** just get fixed!
Why aren’t I happy?
why aren’t i happy?

I need to say something
But it can’t be said
Words fail to describe... me
And so I sit in pain
Knowing I’ll never be seen
Warts and all

I thought friends would cure the poison in my veins
Instead they seemed to leach it from my body
Taking it in themselves
Until it changes them
And the poison returns
Ready for me to introduce new victims
All I can hope for is that one carries a cure

We don’t speak anymore
As school closes, and we move on
I wanted to thank you
For being there for me
Being my person
The one who we could talk and ***** and in the end
None of it mattered

Thank you for being there at my best and worst moments
Ready to console me if you could
For putting up with me
Even though I could be annoying

Thank you for being there
To ground me to reality
For being the first to know
For so many things

After all we went through
I never thought it would end like this — with naught but a poem to say
Thank you

I stand there in the shower
Music playing as I contemplate next year
My pulse quickens
My vision blurs
Hands numb I sit on the shower floor
The water pouring onto my back
Mixing with my tears as they run into the drain
I see my future
Swirling down with my tears
Beck singing faintly in my ears
I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you **** me
...

My whole life I’ve been a piece to a different puzzle
I’ve been the extra piece
Found in the bottom of the box
A piece from a different set wanting so desperately to belong
So I cut pieces from myself
Warped and mangled who I am so I fit into spots left vacant by lost pieces
But those pieces get found
So I have to leave the place I called home
Surrounded by people I called friends
But the wounds never heal
So warped and mangled I move on
Hoping I belong somewhere
Hoping I’m not just a piece destined to be forgotten when dropped on the floor
To be forever lost and alone
Warped and mangled I wait
Hoping for my true home
But I may not fit anymore

Behind a frame hanging on my bedroom wall
Are those letters, the ones I never sent
Folded nicely into an old Altoid tin
Packed with the rings and an old lighter
Behind that frame is a whole other life
I read those letters
Thinking of how mad I was
How much I changed
How lucky I am she forgave my harsh words
I tried on the rings and they fit just the same as they had almost exactly a year ago
*******, that was a year ago
A year ago Friday I took those rings
A year ago Friday I had my first kiss
A year ago next Saturday I had my heart broken
And words started flying from pen to paper
Behind the frame is another life
One I look back on in wonder and curiosity
Behind the frame is a box with two rings and two letters never sent
And I’m glad I didn’t

I’ve been isolated from the world
Nobody but my family to talk to
And they don’t know **** about me

I need to tell them, I want to tell them
But I’d have nowhere to run if I needed

I’ve been isolated
Keeping to my video games and created worlds
Exploring until the repetition sets in

I need something to do
But there’s nothing around

I’ve been isolated
Kept from my friends and my people
Wishing I could talk face to face

I need to talk to one of them, explain everything
But they ignore my texts, snaps, and dms

I’ve been isolated
Listening to my brain say that I’m not worth ****
With nobody to tell me otherwise

I need an embrace to calm my anxieties
But we’ve been banned from touching

I’ve been isolated
And most people are leaving and hanging out
Meeting with friends like it’s a normal ******* day

I NEED OUT
BUT YOU ******* CAN’T STAY INSIDE
LONG ENOUGH TO LET THE *******
VIRUS DIE

We’ve been isolated
but nobody gives a ****

Here it is, the oh so important letter
The white paper marked with the district seal
I unfold the trifolded letter inside, hands shaking
Dear Atticus Wilson,
We wish to offer congratulations,
Though you miss many milestones,
We are happy to announce that you will graduate this year.
Congratulations,
Stay safe.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath in
That’s it — the farewell I get
I’m done with high school,
And am ready to move on with my life

Sticks and stones may break my bones
But your words drove me to use them

We always took small things for granted
The smile of a stranger walking by
The wave of a friend from across the hall
The small talk with the cashier
It was these nothings
That made our day whole
And now we are without them
Wondering when we’ll get more

I was that person
The one who didn’t belong to a group
To nerdy to be cool,
To cool to be a nerd,
To smart to hang with the *******,
To lazy to study with the studiers

It took me 16 years to find a group,
At least larger than the handful of friends I made here and there,
But they were all seniors
Quickly they gathered their things and left
And once again, I was alone

It took me 16 ******* years to be happy
It took me 16 ******* years of crying myself to sleep,
Because I didn’t know who to call my people
It took me 16 ******* years to belong
But only two weeks for it to fall apart

I was always that person
Who didn’t belong
The puzzle piece to a different set,
The plate that was replaced,
The socks that ruin the outfit
And now I’m here
Wishing I fit in

I tell people I have a normal life
What I mean is
I don’t go to parties, I never sneak out
I don’t just leave without saying goodbye
Then I look at some of my friends
I see their version of “normal”

Every night is another night of getting high
Sitting in moonlit parks until the sun starts to rise
I see groups I don’t belong in
Crawling out from under bridges
Running from rats that infest the playgrounds
And I wonder, how much did I miss?

16 years
It took me 16 years to find someone
It took me 16 years to live
It took me 16 years to ******* belong
And just like that
It all disappeared

I look at others and their “normal” lives
And I wonder
Why wasn’t that me?

“Every body is a temple”
Something that gets said often
But my temple is old
Moss grows on the windows
And weathered steps lead to oaken doors
Laying off their hinges

With the right care,
The right exercise,
The dilapidated temple that is my body
Can grow stronger once again

My family heard that I’m graduating early
They sent a card, a cap, gown, and lei

The card full of love
Best wishes
And hopes that I can celebrate soon

The cap made of cardboard
With my great grandma’s Micky Mouse cap
A tassel attached
Found in the street with a copper ”2020”

The gown so old
My grandma doesn’t remember who’s it is
With a lei —a family tradition— ready to be worn

We were more than a school
We were a community
We supported each other
We brought each other back when we were upset
We challenged everyone to think more, think harder

We were more than classmates and teachers
We were family
We cared when someone said they had a problem
We helped when we could
We made each other better, brighter

We were more than students
We were teachers
And I miss it more every minute

Demos I say,
YOU KNOW!

Never again will I walk those halls
Trying to bypass the large groups of students
So that I’m not late for class

Never again will I see Mr. Edwards
Attempting to teach a new set of words every day
Before teaching us professional video production

Never again will I walk into the Middle College office
Just to play a game
Or help solve people’s problems
While skipping the one class I have to take

I won’t get those moments again
And I didn’t know the last time would be the last

If I did
I would’ve walked slower
I would’ve listened closer
I would’ve thought harder
I would’ve helped more

I won’t have that moment
When I walk across the stage
Looking out at the audience
Searching for the faces of my family

I won’t hear my aunts yell out
“Whoooooeeeeeee” when I grab my diploma
I won’t be able to thank my principal
I won’t be able to see my closest friends
As they do the same

I won’t have the moment
When I walk out to the auditorium
Where I’m blinded by the lights
That pave my way to the future

I won’t have my moment
When I realize
Who I’ve become

I’m not as innocent as people believe
My friends, my family
Most see me as pure
Incapable of harm, but it’s just a mask

They see me as a straight seventeen year old kid
Who’s never gotten high or drunk
Never had a girlfriend, much less a boyfriend
Someone who’s never stolen
But you all see the real me

They see what I allow them to
Because I can’t be seen as the child who failed
The child who got lost along the way
They see me as innocent
Because I can’t deal with what they might say

We all keep truths
Because it’s easier to lie, hide behind a story,
Than it is to face the reality of our lives

They see me as innocent
But I can assure you,
I’m not

I have nothing to do now
Everyday the same
Wake up at noon
Eat
Play video games
Eat again
Play some more
Sleep at 4 am

When will I  be allowed back outside
Allowed to speak face to face
With someone I’m not related to?
I’ve done all I can here
I’ve grown bored indoors
All I want is to leave

Give me something to do
So I have something to write

I stare at the shards on the ground
The dulled blue, green, and red sinking into the spreading coffee
I stare as my finger bleeds

I remember when I found it
At the warehouse sale for a discontinued show
I saw it and new it had to be mine
That was many years ago
Since I used it every chance I get

My favorite mug
Brown with blue green and red squares
Circling around the rim
The handle fit my hand perfectly
The cup just large enough for a morning coffee

I stare at the pieces on the ground
“Same”
I whisper