Among stone walls,
And sunlit lawns
With trees that light glosses,
I am a scenery.

There's a fresh new currency
In the world,
But maybe it isn't so new,
We pay each other attention,
And collect bills
From our needy companions.

I lose myself,
In the chaotic storm
Of the attention economy,
I lose myself,
And become a person
I like to keep in the closed room
I go to therapy in.
There's children's art
Everywhere,
So I fit in,
I'm the sculpture of a man,
Who never grew out
Of jealousy and revenge.

But in a mystical land,
Where our property is made up
Of wit, and hate, and chaotic tendencies,
My other side
Comes out,
As hungry for payment as the next
Person.

I try to explain to myself,
I don't mind,
I'm enough for myself,
But we are creatures
With a herd dynamic,
And I fall into
The pyramid scheme,
That is
The attention economy.

We were all forged in fire,
some of us cooked longer than others
sizzling away in a *******
cast iron skillet,
popping and steaming.
It's sounds like the beginning of a gory old
Grimm's fairy tale, doesn't it?

We all cooked until
we were hard,
and cracked.
Stones,
dull in appearance
harsh in action.
But you,
you are soft.

You must have been born
with a map of the stars
printed on your eyelids,
and silver snowflakes
on the tip of your nose,
the smallest brother.

The air is thick with expectation.
The words people utter into
the atmosphere
all hang in the air like smoke.
We all live and breathe it.
Masculinity,
femininity,
not enough,
too much.
The expectation is in our blood.

But you,
you're laying on the ground,
below the smoke and toxins
on your back looking up at the sky,
and deciding for yourself
who it is you want to be.

Kitchen conversations
in the late weekend afternoon,
my hand pressing a damp washcloth
to your arm.
The summer  had baked your cheeks
into a freckled pink,
we giggled together.

Off the washcloth came with a flourish
to reveal a pink
floral
scented temporary tattoo,
our forearms matched
in colorful decoration.
We wore them with pride
for a week,
until they faded.

You make me better, somehow.

The little things we do together,
my smallest brother
and I,
they make me better.
You've got a healing magic
in your lack of expectation,
your blind acceptance.
I think that's what the world needs,
Temporary tattoos
and magic.

I am gradually falling in love
with the concept of us.
Us together.
Two poets in love,
sipping our fancy tea.

Come hammock with me,
on a beach of
star-studded
lake softened
pebbles,
I'll paint pictures
from sun-baked colors,
while you paint
images with light
and glass lenses.

Sailing while freckles
pop up on our shoulders,
your strong hands on the helm.
We'd be wind pirates,
lake waves
would spray
our laughing faces.

You and I
both crave human contact,
like we crave crisp cold air.
Old movies would sprinkle our skin
with black and white,
and our arms would intertwine.

We could cook together,
try spicy things.
The music of popping butter
would feed our souls.
We'd kiss our cats,
and walk our dogs,
side by side,
if you were mine.

I know it's strange,
and as I write,
I'm helping you win another girl,
and we're miles apart...
But if this were one
of those eighties
romantic comedies,
we'd be the best friends
who saw each other with new eyes
before the credits rolled.
And it'd be some kind of wonderful.

To help myself
See past my sensible cardigans
And dull colors
I wear superhero socks.
To help myself
Keep from forgetting
The person I fought
so hard to become,
I stay alive in my tattoos.

I keep a secret me
underneath
the sensible adult.
Just to remind myself
while a customer is complaining,
or a manager is scolding,
or my bills are too big,
that I'm still me.

That messed up feeling
in your stomach
when you've avoided sleep
until the sun came up.

Have you ever known it?
The tightness in your jaw,
the pain in your head,
from jamming
your molars together.

Have you ever stayed up
so late
that your body started to shake?

And suddenly
you're cold sweating,
and your eyes are burning,
you feel sick all the next morning,
maybe even the whole day.

Have you ever had a nightmare about the man who sexually assaulted you?

I have.

Remember me?
It’s me.
That girl from high school
Who wouldn’t date you.
I work at a gas station now.

I grew out my hair,
Gained thirty pounds,
Never got to college,
And I got *****.

How do you like me now?
Are you still irresistibly attracted to me?
Dodged a bullet, huh?

I hope it helps
That angry fifteen-year-old
Inside of you
To see me like this.

I’m twenty now,
And I still live at home,
I don’t have a car,
And I’m only working part time.

I want you to know
I never thought I was anything special,
I simply wasn’t attracted to you.

I bet it doesn’t hurt you
So much anymore,
Seeing me like this
Makes high school seem further away...

Seeing you?
Just reminded me that I’m a failure.

People are like shampoo brands.

They have flashy labels,
And colorful packaging,
They list their qualities upfront,
And what they're really made of
Where they hope
No one
Will see.

Shampoo says it goes best
With its matching conditioner,
And we all like to think
Someone else will make us better,
Make us sexier.
Hair products give instructions,
And we're all conditioned
To believe them.

I've never payed attention
To ingredients,
Only read the positive label,
But now I'm finding out what people
Are really made of,
And I'm now looking
For something more natural.

But what about me?
When you leave out the dye
And the bubbles
What am I made of?
I feel like an unknown trade secret,
And you don't even
Want
To know what they put in those.

I've found myself
Comparing brands lately
And I feel like my own falls short.
I feel like a cheap knock off
Masked as main brand...

But am I really fooling anyone?

There was queen Ann's lace
And yellow wild flowers
Up to our knees.

I can breathe with you.

There were gentle raindrops
Whispering on our faces.
Sock feet entwined,
Suspended in the air
Guarded by two trees
At dusk.
Your warm body pressed
Against mine.

I can feel calm with you.

I wrinkled my yellow dress
In the water softened rocks
On the sunset beach.
You mumbled profanity
At your camera,
And I couldn't stop smiling.
There you were
With me,
And with
Me.

I can feel with you.

It was in the moment
With my hand
Gripped in yours
Pressed up against your lips
That I knew,
And knew you did too.
Your hazel eyes
Gave it away,
Filling my heart,
And breaking it with your sadness
All at once.

I love you.

In a tender moment,
Softly touched
By sunlight,
You signed "beautiful"
On my face.
Your soft lips are slowly
Soothing the bad memories
Away.
Replacing them with
Golden hour baked
Love.
You've become
The most welcoming home
I've ever had.

I can be loved by you.

I brushed on
My pink lipstick,
And you combed down
Your damp hair,
Every few moments we exchanged
A kiss,
It was so amazingly ordinary.

I can feel natural with you.

Your head
Rested on my chest,
Because I know the softest grass
Under my favorite tree,
And like my secret writings,
You shared it with me.

I can feel safe with you.

You make a poet
Lose her words,
In the moment
You speak love,
Where I am speechless with warmth,
So here's my love.

I
Love
You

"There's a lot of stories
In every cigarette.
A lot of stories in
The one
Stained with my
Lipstick.
A lot of reasons
For the smoke making
Curly pictures
In my lungs.

"I'm smoking
a childhood,
Rolled in
Domestic violence
Court case
Papers,
And I'm drinking
Hope
For a future
I let go of
Years ago.

"The bags under
My eyes
Are packed with
Late nights of worry,
For my high school
Sweetheart's
Troubled adolescence,
And struggle for recovery.
I couldn't even
Fully close them.

"The slouch in my
Shoulders,
Is from giving up
The fight,
For a better life,
A better me,
It's made from
Acceptance of my
Lowly state,
And self pity.

"The tobacco scent,
Combined with
Other things...
Between my pointer
And middle
Fingers,
Is made of
Many meetings,
And hugs,
From family who
Didn't
Love
Me.

"Who am I?
Look at me.
I am possibility.
The eulogy for your
Battered youth,
And the future
You could have had.
I'm you,
If you let go."

It’s night
I’m sitting in a bar,
Sipping a foreign strange tea
That makes my tongue numb,
And my brain calm.
There’s faint tribal music playing
Incense burning
Evaporating
The raw feeling
In the back of my head
From picking apart my brains.
There he is,
Silver hair,
Twinkling boyish laughter,
And eyes that I catch wandering.

After a few drinks
I recline in one of the arm chairs
My head tilts back
Over the cushion
Neck stretched
Hair tumbling down behind the chair
In a red waterfall,
Loose shirt
Falling down my body
Exposing my *******.
He walks by,
And lingers just an extra second.
He told me he was looking
And that I have beautiful skin.

A free drink,
A heavy handed pour,
Feeling his gaze
Burning into my body,
Down my head,
Neck,
Shoulders,
Small of my back,
Everything,
Drinking me in
As I walk away.
He told me himself.

Silver hair,
An eighty’s rocker,
Singer songwriter,
An interesting story
In a tempting binding.

If I have daddy issues,
Maybe he’s how I explore them.

It hasn't rained in weeks.
If you pour water on the thirsty earth
The grass flies up around your ears
Dead.

There's something I learned
When I was young.
When someone is using your reaction
Against you,
Stop reacting.
There's nothing more unnerving
To an angry parent
Then a collected
Mundane
Face.

I could argue with the sky
For weeks,
Give it reasons,
Give it threats,
But it won't rain for me.

My darling,
She's built herself a desert
And you can't save her.
She's drained the water from her life,
So she wants yours.
Her feet are burning on her sand path
She's determined to walk,
But you can't pull her out.
A son can't be parent
To his mother.

When she is pushing you
Into a corner,
Spitting in your face,
And waiting for the satisfaction
Of your reaction,
Be the sky my love,
And stare at her
In a field of blue.
Save a little rain
For you.

Linoleum floors,
And water damaged ceilings.
Second hand clothes
Riddled with an array of allergies
To choose from.

When I was a young girl,
I was very firmly warned
That no good and godly man
Would want a woman
Who was
“Damaged goods.”

The isles of plates and cups
Look like a glass castle.
A shining fortress
Of colorful china
And distorted reflections.
Chipped,
And worn paint,
Or just out of style.

No one wants a woman
Who’s been used.
Your body is not your own,
It belongs to your future husband.
At least
That’s what they told me.

Leather jackets
That smell like cigarettes,
Boots with scuffs,
And faded curtains.
Always inspect CDs before you buy them.
An army of electronics
Lined against the wall.

Behave with a man
As if your future spouses
Were in the room with you.
Don’t touch each other too much,
It leads to
“Other things.”

Obsolete books
Colored on
And ripped.
A used book tells more than one story,
The one written out in ink,
And the history
Of the hands that have held it.

Hold a flower
In the palm of your hand,
Now crush it.
It will never be
The same again.
That’s how it is
With your virginity.

Dolls with faded faces,
Aged and off colored plastic.
Suspiciously sticky children’s toys
From the eighty’s.

I think I belong here,
I’m used.

First,
Second,
Third
Hand.

But I love thrift store finds.

Two brothers
Side by side,
One shining like the sun,
One hauntingly, glowing
Like the moon.

Resentment could've boiled up,
Seeing the extra love
Extended to the elder,
There could've been
Hatred,
And distrust,
But there are two brothers
Bound in love.
Despite their parents wanting
Another
Sun.

I loathe
Watching it happen,
The obvious
Favoritism
Pounds in my veins,
When I'm tangling
My fingers with his,
How could
Someone not love the moon
As I do?

I'll stroke his cheek,
And breathe in
The aching thoughts
In his head,
Until the day is done
And he can shine.

And I will love
With all I am,
The other son.

I love the storm,
I like the shudder in you chest,
When the thunder pounds it's fist
I love the wind,
Twisted and powerful,
And graceful,
Bending leafy giants to their knees.
I like the rain,
Soft, and gentle,
Stinging,
And forgiving.

I like the way you're strong.
The way you manage to stand,
When you think you can't.
I love the feeling of my heart
Escaping from my chest
Making a leap for yours.
I love the boom
Of your quiet "I love you,"
Ringing in my ears.

I adore the way you dance,
Taking my nervous
Clumsiness into your stride,
A graceful power,
All kept under control,
But the lightning
Reflecting in your
Blue sky eyes.

I like the way you're soft,
And tender.
The way your words mean things,
Make me think
Even if it isn't always easy.
I love the gentle feeling of your warmth,
After the blasting heat of a Hell like
Oven.
The way you feel like home.

I love the storm,
I like the shudder in you chest,
When the thunder pounds it's fist.
I love the wind,
Twisted and powerful,
Bending leafy giants to their knees.
I like the rain,
Soft, and gentle,
Stinging,
And forgiving.

I love you.

It was always a joke,
“I couldn’t make it”
Was always just a game,
You were always there anyway,
You always came,
It felt like magic.

You wove your way into my every day life,
You took over the small private comforts
That I used to stay alive,
Teapots,
Work gloves,
Scarves,
Mugs,
You pushed yourself into my existence.

Every time the world was destroying me,
Every time it was too much,
Every time I couldn’t handle it all,
You were suddenly there,
Like magic,
Like my own little miracle.

Please just give me one more tiny miracle...
Don’t do this to me.

another thing
for people to judge me by,
even though they're just another way
to keep breathing.
But they're visible,
and all things visible are judged.

Something inside of me
Caught fire
And now I can’t breathe

Window panes let me watch my breath,
Through my car window
I wish I could see
A speed limit for breathing,
I've Lost control again.

If I hide,
If I'm very careful to stay away
From the things that keep me up
In the dead of the night,
I can say I'm doing fine.

Through my rose coloured ears
I listen to the music
That's gotten me through the years.
If I could be comforted it would be
By the voices
Of people I've never met,
So let me comfort you,
Let me hold you for a moment,
And I'll whisper my stories in your ear...

Human beings scare me,
Like maybe they scare you,
Strangers dictate my mood,
Control my breathing,
And the fear in my belly.
You aren't the only one
Who hates going to work.
If I could see your fear
Painting gruesome pictures
On your face,
And up your arms,
I'd hold you, dear.

I'm watching the glass
Fog up
With my quick breaths,
This is just another sad poem
In a see of unhappy people,
That doesn't make much sense,
But if it slowed your breathing,
Like it did mine,
If it helped you lost track of your
Panic
For a second,
Maybe it was worth the hurt
Of walking myself
Through a panic attack

You've seen these sights
Through my poetry,
My romanticized words.
Now look at them with your own eyes
Scrutinize
My rose colored glasses.

You've unwrapped my body
In all it's flawed glory,
I've let you into my very skin,
You breathe with me
As you stroke my hair.
You've seen through my words
Like a blind man
Feeling out the world.
And here we are,
Here we are,
I hope I don't disappoint you,
You see I love beauty,
And I love to describe it,
I love to skip over the ugly parts,
Until the last moment,
As a slap in the face dose of reality.

But I didn't try and talk you
Into one of my fantasy worlds
When I lay before you
In bare vulnerability.
The truth is I didn't want to.

I've made strangers
See glassy lakes,
And golden
Drying flowers,
And music in silence,
And hardship in laughter,
Yet it was you
Who loved these things,
That I wanted to see
The harsh nothing,
The vacancy
Behind my eyes.

So this is my world,
It's nothing special,
Hardly what I made it seem,
Just a central New York
Dream.
But here you are,
More beautiful than any dream,
Looking upon my reality.

It's a rainy evening in January,
And Dexys Midnight Runners
Are flirting with Eileen.
There's fettuccine bubbling away
Over the blue flames,
And I miss you.

It's the kind of night that needs
Tea,
And spicy food,
And whiskery kisses.
I made steam scented with strong spices and herbs
Curl around the kitchen,
And weave around me dancing
To help keep me from noticing
You aren't here.

But you aren't here.

You don't need me to feel weak,
To feel like you can love me,
And I don't need to feel like I can't protect myself
In order to feel protected by you.

I like CDs because they feel more real,
And I like you,
Because you feel more real.

You slept next to me last night,
And your soft breath in my ear
Made sleeping
Less terrifying.
I'm trying to drown out the lack of your voice
With old music,
But it isn't working
Because you love old music.
I woke up and you were gone,
Waking up is a colorful explosion
Of soft kisses and and gentle
Touches with you,

But you aren't here.

The Fool signifies new beginnings,
Because only a fool would want
To start over.

I feel like a fool.

I told your mother
My plans for our wedding,
I named our child,
And dreamed up fantasies
To whisper in your ear.

I imagined
A magical land,
A large bed in a small apartment,
Fat cats to purr beside us,
And warm blankets
Tying our bodies together
As we twisted and turned in our sleep.
And windows,
I would have to have windows.

They say life is a highway
We’re in two cars
Speeding toward each other
With our necks sticking out of the windows,
Trying to find a way
To gently collide
Without dying.
But we’re going too fast,
So fast
The breath has been ripped from my lungs.
Get ready to crash.

My older sister said,
“Everyone has a list.
Every person has things about them that are bad,
You’ve just got to find someone who's list you can deal with.”

You’re passion.
You are filled with passion in every thing you do.
You have passion in your loneliness,
And in that you have desires.

Beginning again is horrible,
It’s erasing the bad with the good.
It’s seeing where the beautiful memories and the horrible mistakes weave into each other,
And burning both.
Only a fool would begin again.

But I’m a fool.

A fool
For you.

I’m actually not okay.
I’m saying I am,
But I’m really not.

I never thought
I’d be the girl to choose,
But here you are
Each begging I choose you.
But I choose me
Always.

I wanted to write
Something perfect.

But,
“Pobody is nerfect.”

Every sunbaked afternoon,
And rainy day,
Every crunch
Beneath my feet
Of salt and snow,
Every deap breath,
On my way
To an hour of safety.

Did I ever tell you
That I liked to
Stare intently at
The fiber art on the wall
Of the third floor waiting room?
There one that looks like a waterfall,
One that looks like eggs,
And one that looks like
An angry speech bubble.

I remember being young,
And not telling you
The whole truth,
Then growing up,
And shifting uncomfortably
In my chair
While being more honest
Than I knew I could be.

You had a white electric tea ***
On your windowsill,
Kept company
By a stack of colorful mugs,
(The orange one was my favorite.)
I recall sipping tea with you
When I had a cold.

Pobody’s nerfect.
Who is “them”?
Feel your feels.
I am a mountain.

I talk a lot,
And I mean a lot...
I’m sure
You already know that.
But I don’t have the words
For years
Of smiling,
Crying,
And bad words,
Growing up,
Smeared makeup,
My first job,
And learning
To love myself.

I hope you have
A tea ***
In your new office,
And your cat clock.

I hope someone else
Gets to grow up
With your help,
And remembers the things
That I remember.
I’m sure many already have.

Thursday’s were for breathing,
Tuesday’s were for closure.

I’m going to live my life
Carrying your words
Tucked behind my ear,
And I’m going to make you proud.

Thank you,
For the high speed
Emotional
Puberty.

-Layna

Every one of my belongings with me
Is damp from the mist of night.
The smell of the fire is in my hair,
Hair has a habit of holding scents
And thoughts
And hands.

My head is like the sun right now,
With planets orbiting.
Each planet it’s own worry,
The surrounding asteroid belt
Is just raindrop fears on a tin roof.

The trees were supposed to hide me.
The leaves were supposed to cradle me.

High school was never supposed to end,
We were all supposed to stay the best of friends.

If anything has become evident on this little trip,
This galavant across the countryside
It is that we aren’t one life anymore,
We are four.

There's a leash attached
Around my neck,
Pressing against my throat,
Limiting my breathing.
On the other end,
Is any stranger or passerby
To look at me too long,
Or mutter a greeting.

They exchange the noose,
Hand it off
To the next person in line,
Without a word.

The pain in my chest
Is dictated by strangers,
Without my consent
Your actions control me.

Anxiety
Is a leash,
Tightly wound around me.

Ed,
Eddie,
Wants to fall in love.
He has plants in his kitchen.
He keeps a washcloth
On his bathroom sink
On it rests his comb,
His toothbrush,
And toothpaste,
All in a neat row.
He takes me to the lake
To look out at the water,
Because he knows
It makes me feel like I’m home.

Rob,
Wants to conquer
And tame me.
He wants
To be the one I choose
Just to win.
He kisses me
At midnight in the rain
Out in the dark
On a hidden sidewalk,
Slips his hand
Down the front of my *******
And plays with my ****.
He says it’s the danger
Of being caught.

James,
Stone,
Jamie,
Wants to sleep with me,
But also doesn’t want
To feel guilty.
So he hides my messages
From his partner
And assures me
She knows he’s polyamorous.

Me?
What do I want?
What do I need?
Peace.
Peace I won’t find
In any of them,
Only myself.
But I have to fight battle,
After battle,
To get there.
So exhausted,
I retreat into their distraction,
And I warn them all,
Of each other’s existence,
And that I don’t want anything real.

But I sing to Eddie,
As I lay on his chest.
I listen to Rob,
As I hold him in my bed.
I nurture James,
Help him cultivate his individuality.
So they think
Maybe they’re important.
And really,
They are.
I can’t help but have them be.

But I can’t handle important right now.

I can’t find comfort
In the thought of being squeezed
Into something I’m not
Again.
I won’t allow myself
To be contorted
Into a shape
That fits their desires.

Eddie wants
To fall in love.

Rob wants
To win me.

James wants
To have release.

And I...
I just want
To find me.

I have a rain cloud
In my pocket.
It comes with me everywhere.
It carries
The pain of the people I love most.

My best friend
Wants to hurt herself

Again,

My lover's
Emotionally abusive mother
Is yelling things in his direction

Again,

Some boy I barely know,
Is telling me how much
He hates his life,

Again,

I try to let it go,
But it follows me around
And rains on my head,
As if tied to my wrist
Like a balloon.

My sister
Wants me to forgive our father,
And gloss over his damaging tendencies,

Again,

My mother
Wants me to smile,
And tell her she's always right,

Again.

I hold everyone
In my life
In a rain cloud in my pocket.
I like to hide it,
But the lightning
Itches at my nerves,
And the thunder is always
In my ears.

It's been years,
But I'm still me.
I'm still listening to whoever needs me,
And watering my rain cloud.
Taking bits of stratus,
And cumulonimbus,
From above people's heads,
And packing them with my own.

And never owning up to
What's wrong with me
Is I can't take care of you,

Again

"Layna, this is Seth,"
Our father breathed into
My ear.
"I think you two should play together
For a while."

We were only children,
Toddling around
With wild fantasies.
I was bashful and shy,
But I always tried
To make you laugh.
And you always gave me
Reasons why you weren't a good
Playmate.

We played tag,
And the wind would carry
Your feet
And push my hair into my face,
I never liked this game.
You always got so far away.
I'd only catch you
When you were out of breath,
You'd stop short,
And I run into you
Hard.
"Father she pushed me!"
"I did NOT! He's lying!"

Our small high voices
Would rise up the chimney
Making imperfect
Melodies together,
And not hearing a thing
The other said,
Too caught up
In our own disassociative
Play land.
"Daddy he won't listen to me!
He ignores me!"
"Father I can't get her
To slow down and think!"

Our amusement
Of one another
Started getting rough,
You didn't like
How I'd started getting more
Boisterous,
And confident.
Unafraid to poke the bear with a stick,
And I loathed your timid
Out look on life.
"Father she scares me! She plays too rough!"
"Daddy he won't take chances! He's still so shy!"

But then there'd be a blissful
Moment
Of perfect harmony,
Under a canopy of tree branches
Woven together,
You'd dare to hold my hand,
And I'd slow down
And breathe it in.
"Daddy why can't he always be like this?"
"Father will she calm down
With age?"

"I love him daddy, he's good sometimes."
"I love her father, she's beautiful when she's gentle."

We built things together,
Crooked buildings out of
Sticks.
You found it funny when they fell through,
I saw it as a problem
To solve.
"Father she's too driven, and bossy. She wants everything just so."
"Daddy he doesn't care if it all falls apart."

We'd wrestle in the grass,
It started out just fun,
Then your pride was damaged,
And so was mine,
And I couldn't let you win.
"Father I don't know if I want to play anymore, she never lets anything go. She won't let me have my way."
"Daddy he thinks I have to be something else."

I would giggle at foolish things,
And sang silly songs,
And you watched me with slitted eyes, Unamused.
"Father she's overwhelming."

"Layna he isn't happy,"
Our father murmured softly.
"Well I'm not happy either!
So he can just leave me alone!"

"What? Why?"
"Because you don't like me anyways!"
"Fine!"

Our inner
Traumatized children, didn't play well together,
And they were determined
To come out
And have their say,
So when they couldn't get along,
I realized,
Neither could we.

I moved my bed
To the other side of my room
To help my sleep,
To help me feel
Like that wasn’t where
I was violated.

You would think that in the months
That followed
After I truly understood
What he had done to me,
I would’ve run from the bed
It happened in.

But no.

I spent most of my time there.

I quit my job,
And slipped in and out of sleep
All day, every day.
I shut down.
I spent almost all of my time
In bed,
Letting my life
Pass me by,
Because I couldn’t stand
Participating anymore.

That corner of my room
Across from where I sleep
Still haunts me.

Thinking of what happened there,
Talking
About what happened there,
Makes me want to
Burn the sheets,
And peel off my skin,
Rip off the face he kissed,
And staple my legs closed.
So that no one,
No one,
Can ever do that to me again.

Thinking about what
He did to me
Makes me feel like I have to throw up,
And perhaps that would exile
The fear in my belly,
And banish the memories.

When I was a girl,
I tried very hard
To fill this room up
With love for myself,
I painting the walls
With kind words,
I tried to turn it into
A sanctuary.

He tore down the walls
Of my boundaries,
My privacy,
My safety,
And my dignity.
He stole it from me.

I spent over a year rebuilding
And taking it back,
I was doing fine.
I want you to understand,
I was doing fine.

I bought new sheets,
And new underwear,
I moved my bed,
I got new clothes,
I got new medication,
And a new job,
And someone who loves me.

I was doing ******* fine.

And now it’s all crashing down again.
It’s fresh
All over again.

It hurts all over again,
And hurt isn’t a strong enough word.

I want you to understand
How horrible this is for me,
But I know you won’t.

You lied about your past,
you woke up the morning I was gone,
and the past you created
to gain my pity and fear
was wiped clean.
Just graphite on paper.

I didn't get to wake up from mine,
I merely added to the list.

Sweet little shop girl,
always smiley,
always happy,
That's what they tell me,
"little miss sunshine."

They don't know,
they don't know,
that I wake up some mornings before the sun does
to make them their morning coffee
with the weight of his hands still on me.

And none of them
will ever know.

is freedom.
*** is a demonstration
of my victory,
my liberation
from my oppressive youth.
*** is a moment
when no judgemental eyes
scrutinize my body,
just loving
tender looks,
drinking up my essence

I'm taking control
of the memories you left me with.
I'm taking away your power
to hurt me with your past self.
I'm holding the noose
around your neck,
white-knuckled,
and as *******
as hell after a rainstorm.

I won't bat away reminders of you
out of fear
anymore,
but because I choose to.
Your bad memories
won't stop me from holding
the man I love.

You don't get to ruin my life.

I couldn't stop you
from hurting me then.
But I can stop you
from hurting me.

I'm going to keep building a life
for myself,
because I **** well
decided to.
Not because the past
magically went away,
not because I was magically healed
of trauma...
but because I'm digging my heels in
and saying no.

I'm taking ownership
of my past relationship,
I'm taking ownership
of my mistakes.
I'm not locking them up
out of fear anymore,
not because I feel like
I'm a child again
and I can't protect myself,
but because I'm a woman
and I can,
and I'm angry,
and I own what has been done to me.
It's under my command.

I'm going to blaze into
my twentieth year
like a hornet
that had been trapped and shaken
in a jar,
who just had the lid removed.

I have ownership
over my brain.

Not the prettiest
Or the skinniest
Or the curviest,
Not the insane party girl with a brain,
No growing into my looks,
Or glasses to take off,
Or mini skirt to don,
No pompoms to wave,
Or dying of cancer relatable teen story,
Or whatever is in style these days.

You’re not quite the reformable ****,
Just good from the beginning.
Not the cautious nerd
Who can’t talk to girls,
Or the bad boy with a heart,
Or the secretly smart prep,
Not a lonely outcast,
Not the most popular guy in school,
Or the least,
Or whatever is aimed at insecure teens these days.

No peers to tell us
We’re from different worlds,
No exploitation of a killer illness to make us more romantic,
Neither of us can dance,
You were never my best friend’s boyfriend...

Just two people,
Not dramatic enough
For a teen movie.

Just two side characters
Who fell in love.

I can see your hair,
Winding up,
Up,
Towards the sky,
Shining in the sun,
Like seaweed.
Your hands are
Gripping the ocean
Floor,
Holding tight
To ancient wreckage
At the bottom of the sea.

Bubbles
Dance up to the surface,
From your lips,
You're running out of
Air
Under there.
I dive down,
Down,
Into the murky water,
So low
I can feel the pressure
On my chest.

I extend my arm,
Grabbing onto you,
Before anymore harm
Is done.
But you push me away,
Back up to the
Cold wind.
I get a glimpse of your eyes,
Closed.

I'm watching you,
Lose more oxygen,
I'm watching you,
Knowingly drowning.
Afraid to see the life beyond
This,
And I can't save you,
But I keep trying to.

still look at his facebook.
You know,
just to see what he's doing,
who he's hurting.

A tin of fine herbs
Opened, perfuming the air
Sprinkled into a metal cage
Of weaving wires.
Steaming water
Scalding over me,
Embracing my intense flavor,
Becoming one.

We created a soothing taste
For a while,
But we steeped too long,
He stirred too hard,
And we were made bitter.
The steaming liquid
Was drained from me,
I was no longer left by its heat,
I was left cold.

Then you picked me up,
Swirled these dulled dregs
Around in the cup.
I must ask,
What is it you see in me?
This once potent scent,
Now wasted.

What do you see in the tea leaves?

Climbing

D
O
W
N

A rope
an ancient plastic
rope

Tiny pieces come off
stick to your hands
to your fingers
and your palms
they itch

Makes a
scratchy
scritchy
noise
rubbing against your jeans
as you
slide

D
O
W
N

here and there
there's a knot
stop and rest
sit
for a second
not the best
but it's all you've got,
start climbing again
You can't stay there
forever.

Lose your grip
slide

D
O
W
N

Too fast
your hands burn
red
so do your legs,
your cheek scrapes against
the rope
it feels like it's on fire.

Brace yourself
for more pain
squeeze
your fingers tight
so you can slow
you scream
in agony
but you've stopped.

You reached
another knot
look down at your hands
and bite your lip
hard
******,
salty,
taste.
One by one
little blisters
newly forming
dotted
across
your palms
throbbing.

Continue
your
journey

C
L
I
M
B
I
N
G

D
O
W
N

A

R
O
P
E

Staying up all night
traveling
is normal now
you've learned to ignore
fatigue

You don't even look

D
O
W
N

Anymore

You've accepted this
as your life
Never ending
Pull of gravity
Calling you to
It

You notice you've hit
A knot again
You sit
But something feels
Odd
You glance down for
The first time in months
Startled by what
Greets you

Below you
Is a hangman's noose

So you've reached
The end of your rope.

You can smell the lake right now.

I'm sitting on my doorstep
With the sunshine starting to sink
And blurring
My vision.
Thinking.

The other day
My therapist asked me,
How often do I feel safe,
Content,
And at peace?

Rarely.

For a while
A felt it only with him,
The sunshine in my life.
But I want to feel it on my own.

There are kittens playing
On our patio,
I've got my crocheting
Wrapping around me,
It's peaceful.
And I'm even on my own.

You can smell the lake right now.

I've seen traces of you,
Perhaps smelt a hint of your
Perfume...
Seen your curling
Handwriting,
Other woman.

Did you see the startling red
Of our front door?
The crumbling plaster
Of the walls climbing next to the stairs?
Did you partake of the lingering smell
Of my mother's baking?
Did you feel the bright purple
Cotton sheets
On my parent's bed?

What did he tell you,
Other woman?
That he couldn't leave because
Of his kids?
That he'd marry you if he could?
Did you dream of being our
Mother,
Other
Woman?

Your finger prints
Are somewhere here.
Your ghost is woven into
The carpet,
I bet I could find it
If I wanted to...

Other woman,
I'm sorry he lied to you.

Would you like
A frosty glass
Of water on the side
Of your pride?
I know it's hard to swallow.

If it wasn’t the most beautiful
Thing
I’ve ever seen,
It was one of them.

Floating white seeds,
Overwhelming the air.

The wind blew down a gust
Of them,
It was as if the air was water to them,
Roaming in slow motion,
Only disturbed by the ripples
Of my breath.

The sun was almost completely gone,
Nothing but an eyelash
On the horizon,
It turned every perfect puff
Blue.

I ran out to them
Allowing childlike desires
To overtake me.
The simple pleasure
Of knowing my body was in their midst,
That they would touch me
And be soft.

The memory still haunts me,
And I don’t mind.

I'd never been me before,
I don't know who else I've been
But I imagine they'll be wanting
Them self
Back.

So here, have you,
And I hope you're ready
To let me have me,
Because it's been so long now,
And I think it's time to stop
Hiding.