At the end of it all,
no matter how many good days,
bad days,
amazing days.
Everything will always be tainted.
No matter how many other words you fix to me,
Wife, mother, lover,
Almost will always follow,
hiding in the shadows.
I will always be,
the girl you almost loved
more than anything.
The woman who almost,
meant the world to you.
The thing you almost,
attached yourself to.
The person you almost let in.
The one who almost got picked.
But barriers run deep and long,
You pick your priorities,
and I convince myself what I can live with.
You dig both of our graves.
Because you,
You will always be the man,
I almost completely forgave.
The man I almost believed.
The man who almost convinced me
of how much they loved me.
The one who almost showed me,
how true their love was.
And as the days go by,
the will turn to years,
and we will have a whole life,
built on the foundation of almosts.

More time.
More effort.
More.
Time.
More.
Effort.
More.
Time.
More.
Effort.
Your feelings?
Irrelevant.
Your personal life?
Nonexistent.
*** in seat.
Blurry face.
Say nothing.
Be nobody.
Make less than everybody else.
Sell your soul.
What you do is important.
If you don't do it, someone else will.

Why is it,
that I only crave you
when I'm ****** up?
So high, you're the
only thing I can see.
Blitzed out of my
******* mind,
so my world revolves
solely around you.
Can't sleep and
my head is
filled with thoughts
of you.
Touch me, feel me,
need me.
Take me all the way up,
until I come down,
and see the real you.

Do you love me?
Eagerly, all-consuming?
Do you crave my touch?
Dream of my kiss?
Do you whisper my name?
When you’re alone?
In hopes I’ll show up?
Could you survive inside?
Without me?
Or do you love me lightly?
Do I make a pretty center-piece?
To your life?
Does my food taste good?
Do I feel warm?
Am I home every night?
Am I welcoming?
A comfortable place?
To lay your head?

Every night you lay down beside me,
I tuck you in, cover you up.
Do you need anything?
How about some water, are you thirsty?
Some nights you let me drift off peacefully,
You rub my back, play with my hair.
Some nights you keep me up,
Whispering secrets to me as the hours go by.
I tell you my hopes and dreams.
They always make you giggle.
I tell you about a new boy,
You tell me I'll never be good enough
for a good man.
You tell me that if I keep dating guys that hurt me,
I can't hurt them.
I tell you I want to help people,
You ask what I ever did for you.
I ask you to leave,
Please go to the closet where
everyone else's skeletons live.
But you take my hand and pull
me back into bed with you.
The worst of lovers.
You wrap your arms around me,
Tell me it'll be okay,
Tell me you'll always be there,
You'll never leave me,
I'll never have to be alone.
I give in to you, I succumb,
I know no other way.
And then,
Just so I don't forget who I am,
You look me dead in my eyes
As you pop another one,
You're my favorite destruction you tell me,
And I cry myself to sleep.

The idea that something good was only one magic step away.
The idea that some things never change, and the hope that some do.
The idea that love is hard, but *******, the reward.
The idea that someone's skin can be the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, and to touch it is the idea of human comfort.
Here's to feelings that we thought were lost, only to be found, and lost again.
Here's to the child-like wonder that come from discovering love for the first time in a long time.
Here's to the idea of believing in the blonde boy more than I've ever believed in anything.
Here's to the idea that it doesn't matter how you get to Sunday, as long as you get there.
The idea that the only thing the soul needs at the end of every day is just to laugh.
The idea that people can sweep you away, just like a hurricane, the prettiest natural disaster ever seen.
Here's to all the secret stolen moments that didn't belong to us in the first place, but we're made ours.
Here's to all the nights where the only thing that mattered is the emotion that overwhelmed us.
Here's to late night car rides filled with music that was everything to us.
Here's to the morning where we weren't fully awake yet, but still found each other's company.
Here's to the idea that love would outlive us all.
Here's to all the moments where anger should've been squashed and hearts should've healed.
Here's to all the harsh words that were never meant.
Here's to waking up and finding a way to fall in love all over again, everyday.
2017 was filled with the regret that kindness and understanding did not prevail over everything.
But how can you really regret a year filled with the idea of love in the air and feet ***** with adventure.

And for 2018, the idea that love comes, and is not required to stay. But we are made of pure Earth with hearts that come from the cosmos, and there are things inside of us that will always outlast time.
The idea of giving your heart, completely recklessly, with no abandon, even if it's only just once. The notion that someone will come and when they do, they can have everything and you will hold nothing back.

Everyday I watch,
my eyes filled with silent horror.
I watch myself become
smaller and smaller.
All by your hands.
I beg,
to be heard, to be understood.
To be treated kindly.
I beg,
for you to see the hurt,
the destruction written all over my face.
I beg for you to love me,
to keep me safe, to protect me.
And everyday,
things don't change.
And I beg for help from my new position,
closer to the edge.