At once i entered her life, covered with blood
And then she left mine, in the same color
Probably because she was reborn, somewhere else.
I remember it was a freezing saturday, of wintertime... I was about nine back then, locked myself in my room, alone... Except for the wall, which was my only friend. Not the front one, not the one behind, but the one with the picture of my mother hanging on it... It's the only time i ever see her smile... Without facking it.
She was in the living-room, at that moment... I can remember her voice, her yelling, her wailing, while fighting with her husband... My father... but not my dad. My father that never acted like one.
She was disrespected, but she could live with that, she used to say she does it for me, i say i know, though i know she's liying. She's only afraid of what's going to come after if she ever steps out of the house, she thinks, at least she has a home, not much of a home but a house with a ceiling, to protect us from the cold and rain, though it's always raining inside our house. Raining through tears coming out of my eyes, and no longer my mom's.
she's used to all the beating, the yelling and the fights.
Every couple have to go through missunderstandings, she used to say, i say i know, but it's different, i could tell from their daily fights.
At first nothing felt awkward to me... She sings me to sleep through her yelling, and whenever it's over she comes up, to my room, re-sing to me, with her soft voice barely coming out of her smothered throat. she sings, and i listen... Hug her tight, it's the only thing i can do, to lessen the pain that never seem to be leaving. I do it whenever i'm helpless, which i always am. I probably can't give her comfort through words so i try to make her feel safe physically and keep her company.
But on that night, it lasted longer than it ever did... the fight didn't seem to be ending any soon, and i was still waiting to hear her footsteps on the stairs.
Suddently, mom's voice disappeared, and probably, so did she.
I put my ear to the cool hardwood floor, all i could here was silence, besides water drops.
It was raining tears outside, and it gotten colder than it was. I unlocked the door, went straight to the living-room, seeking for one of my mom's hug, to warm me in such a cold night. I was shaking of fear, and cold, i was scared because something felt unusual.
Usually my mom comes right to my room after the fight is over... She runs to my arms, her favorite shelter, and appearently, her only one.
I was slowly walking so i wouldn't make noice and awake my father's rage. I always thought he was satan, or maybe a child of hims, he was my biggest fear.
As i arrived to the room, i saw my mom sleeping on the floor, but it was too cold, how come she picks the floor and not my arms! Awkwardness have reached it's highest level. I landed my hand to her, said "mom, i'm here to help you stand"...
But there was no answer, only silence and water drops...
I bent to her, touched her face, it was colder than the floor...
I said mom" you're going to catch a cold, get up", my mother never answered.
Tears ran out of my eyes, i've never cried that much before, neither did she. I didn't panic while seing the blood in the beginning because it's mom's only accessory, and dad's favorite. But than, while realising that i was left alone, left by the only person that cares about me, the only one that'd ever holded my arm.
Who's going to sing me to sleep, cook me pies and gets me chocolate?
Who's going to hold me after my dad hits me bad?
But the worst part is ...
Who's going to hold mom's hand and heal her scars?
Who's going to dry her tears and hug her tight?
At that moment i realised why the sky was crying
It's probably my mother's soul, that has left to the sky
She's probably crying for having to leave me alone
I say "mother, don't worry, enjoy your time away from satan, around angels... Mother, i did not know you well, nine years felt like nine days, but i will however see you through the memory on my way back to you... Someday i will know you because it never is too late. In that while, i will always be kissing the rain, each water drop, because i'd be kissing away your pain even from far distance, don't cry mother... Don't cry".
This is not a poem.