What am I sorry for?

Not being enough for anything or anyone.
Not knowing all the answers not one
Not knowing if I believe in God as three not one.

I really want you to be happy
But how can I when I'm falling apart from the inside out.

I'm sorry I can't keep up with you
Your learning pace at a walk and mine a snail trail of a sad blue.
I try so hard but I will never be like you - smart, capable, intelligent and athletic with that hot *** in shorts of blue.  

Comparison is a toxic relationship
I'm trapped in an endless cycle of contrasting those who are better than me
at academics, athletics or even that 2 year cute couple relationship.

I feel like I'm a mess
I can't work it out when all their success blinds my light to see straight much less.

I try to hide it
Mask it
Fake it
Suppress it
If I cry I'm weak right?
No one can see me cry
I hide my face in my arms
Head down
My eyes have blown my cover
My heart getting quicker
My thoughts getting bitter
I must look up for a while
Smile
Pretend
That everything is okay in the end
But it's not... not now
I wish I could hide
But I have no where to abide
So I stay low
And not let people know
I'm about to break
The suppression of what they call a freak
I runaway
From everyone who comes my way
There's no escape for me
I have to face reality
I need help
Voices strangle those thoughts of "it's okay to get help"

I wish it were easy
Life is not breezy
It hurts
It will hit hard where it hurts
But keep trying
Never give up or stop trying

You are needed
You are worth while
You are special
You are loved
You are strong
You are capable
You are beautiful.

My breath getting quicker
Blood pulsing through my head
My thoughts are one too many
The noise around me is muffled
The symbol of sadness in my eyes
Gathering to run down my face
Quicker breathing
Faster thinking
Summoning my demons to control my mind
They say I'm not good enough
But I know I am good enough
They tell me I'm not
How can they prove it?
A constant war inside my head
To prove my worth that never existed to begin with
I must hide, people think I'm weak
I know that's not true, but how will I know?

Now...I have those feelings
But they are more controlled
With therapy
With drugs
To suppress my extremes
This mental illness doesn't mean I'm weak,
It means i conquer more challenges than the average person.
Happy pills calm my anxious heart and my stubborn mind
To suppress the sick feeling of failure
To suppress the endless worry of my future
Medication.
It doesn't cure you, it relieves the illness
I have a mental illness

Parents love you
They do what they can to help you
They mean well, but they don't know
The way I think or react
Thinking why and how, that's a fact
I'm always over...
over the top
over-thinking
over-analyzing
anything to say I think too much
I feel too much
I see too much
I do too much
Since when was that a problem?
Because you think I am a problem

Parents love you
But they don't understand you
You try to fix me feeling
but you do more harm than healing
They don't see what you see
They see their kid overthinking
But they think of possibilities
along with other probabilities
I'm not a person anymore, I'm a problem
Your thinking is my problem
I'll never be enough for you
I'll never have enough to impress you

I cry myself to sleep at night
To be rid of my own fright
You had to take a bite
Of my free flying kite

Because of you
I was never blue
Being with you
It was a dream come true

You didn't go down without a ****** fight
To see who was wrong or right
You made me feel bright
Now I must take flight

You made me feel like a princess
You told me I was priceless
To never think less
What we had was meaningless

Now I must go
And leave the dark shadow
To go and grow
At an all time low

You were never there for me
When you were right in front of me
I cry and plea
But all I can do is flee

Because of you
I can never be true
I can never see you
How can I believe you?

In the face of my depravity
For God so loved the world he died for me
You truly make me happy
Like that adorable puppy

You only played me
You never thought I was happy
I am a flea
You are about to step on me

What is death like
It's not riding a bike
Don't get a psych
It's never worth a like

Darkness is what consumes you
Because you always feel blue
And you can never be true
We are through me and you

Love, what is it but a world of confusion
a message through a mask
created by a fake fusion
It's all they want to ask

The most powerful magic of all
we can never live without
when you're always there to break my fall
I never really had a doubt

opposites attract
that's what they portray
That's what they call abstract
get ready for my card I'm about to play

Life's a game
Is there a prize in life you may say?
and I can tell you now it's not fame
Love, that's the card I play to you today

I see my dad
With his cat and his lonesomeness
With his acceptance that
He’ll be spending the rest of his life alone

I see my mom
With her new guy every so often
Some of them last longer than others,
But they drift by all the same

All I know about love
Is what is shown to me
And luckily
These two examples are not the
Extent of my knowledge

Because if they were,
I’d be lonely in love
with not one shred of hope,
Or it’d lose all it’s value
like a broken antique

I see all the broken marriages
All the divorces that echo this world,
How easy it is to fall in and out of love
When it’s all anybody wants,
Its what I’m in favor of

Because I’d like to see a world where
Love is written on every pair of hands being held
Every couple being betrothed
On every street sign and
In the smiles of the strangers I pass

But alas the world is ever evolving
And we live in a time where love is
Not a puzzle worth solving
Each person must just muddle through
And try to find the person that
Feels about love as they do.

I see my grandparents
Her an ex model, proper,
In the worst sense of the word,
Him a nature man, a scientist—souls from opposite poles,
With their 50 years of marriage
and I form my foundation for the love I will have.