so, so far away from home.
with no love, but im with you.
so what does this fake love mean?
or hiding behind lies do for you?
because its tearing insides,
and crashing righteous minds
in my eyes
in my eyes
crust lingers - I dare to say I cry a tear
for something that was never really there
but you are here right?
IT WASNT FAKE LOVE FOR ME
I did love, how I never had loved
it may have been ****** up love
shared love, broken love.
but how I can I give you all my love
when my heart is in pieces....
left with lost lovers, and left family members.
I left to be with you.
I left to be with you.
everything to once know in life
is learned again in this new space
but i'd do it for you..
no you say it is for me
to better me
to save me,
how do you save when you cant love?
tell me because I walk through
the mist and fog of fear
blinded by my own weakness.
why did your hand not lead the way?
*******
*******
in my mind i'd only say it
yea I hate you,
but that's just words
spilling from the mouth
I love you
I love you
From A Distance

her heart is crying all the time...
dark as the insides of love.

quite today, so loud inside my mind
thinking back on all the times
lies were scattered
looking at myself through the mirror
shattered
meant to live for so much more
lost in my mind behind this locked door
how can i continue in restrain?
with all these memories attacking my brain
how is it that i came here to close this door
and locked myself behind it?
this 360 circle cycle
now re-winded

darkness folds over me like the sheets
on the bed spread
i lay alone--sleep in the bed you left.
with my thoughts to myself in my head
all the rights and wrongs we've did
regrets so familiar for us
memories flashing past my eyes
leave me stuck
and i continue to tell you
enough is never enough
more, needing more and more love
i press the issue
you out step of you
and on me too
scenery of a man i never knew
i pray the skies wont drown me in blue
but the darkness (the darkness)
is inclosing like a coffin
literally laying in my death bed
when you just up and decide
you're not gonna be there

feeling like another sleepless night
on the block, **** get dark in the daylight
but i hold my peace, fall asleep to
the rhythms of her breathing.
my thoughts are so deceiving
but my mind is knowing
eyes on my toes.
tell my feet to watch where they're walking
im in a circle outside the box
that all the unloyal ****** in
and im running from the courts
they tryna lock me in the pin.
i put my mind on my money
switch my heart to cold
loose fear when i walk out my front door.
****** is strapped so im staying strapped too
because its the ones that fear you that will **** you
so i keep it breezy and kind
eyes locked to theirs
so before they make they're move
i can make mine.

nailed to the black board i hang from chains
while consistently racking my brain
unbalanced and aching i tear myself away
ancient sins and blemishes cover the skin i am in
like unnatural flesh as i await my death
lost in depth - hiding from Hades
trying to escape fire's plague
bald heads and coke filled nostrils sent me here
and Cerberus with no fear keeps me here
i try to cast away the memories of the "HE's"
in secrecy
"see no evil"
yet it has found me
bound and stored in the men who faked
love
stolen innocence
& trust
only seeking out the weak for lust
removing the soul from its core to restore with order
controlling the mind and numbing the heart
shattering any and every part of life from the start
and now here i lay lifeless
ending the fall at this bottomless pit
drowning in a burning river and i only feel the coldness
from within as my body quivers
salt-water taste stones my tongue
and i only wonder
"is this what the 'HEs' left me to become?"
and its the dark that encloses on my heart
that hides tears and bloodshed
left my the men who made me a 'woman'
way before time had its say

i fumble around in darkness, even during the day
and my faint memory of this place helps me none.
i ask "why did you leave me?"
and you reply the same as always - silence
so i stumble through life feeling for the familiar
nothing ever seems right with out you
pleasantly, you appear to me during dreams yet filling my mind of agony
i grasp a hold onto you every time,
so how is it that i awake from sleep and you still aren't here with me
life seems as if its the Armageddon, because with everyday
my spirit goes astray,
i hear its abandoning footsteps down the hall
like timed grenades synchronized to the beat of my heart.
and yet i feel no distress as it departs,
because see you took the one thing that completes me.
foolishly i sting my finger tips on the sockets
while caressing my way through
so i figure ill turn the tv on
even though showtime is no longer fun with out you.
and to really think about it, you made all the difference
now everything is just different with you gone.
no warning and no goodbye,
i didn't know i could still produce tears with out site
so what do the other 4 mean without number 5?
the lawn mower outside woke me up that morning,
and the grass smelt calm, i could hear so clear the birds soaring through the trees - one at a time
toothpaste never tasted so strong
and though the volume was never changed
there's even a difference in my song.
i can only feel the pictures on the walls,
and it hurts to picture them in my mind at all.
if only i could sleep until time restored you,
but its better to have loved and lost
then to not have had you.
so what is vision?
the end or the beginning?

where the looming darkness is like searing 50ton gold up against the sun, and the only light is of the moon yet some hides in the hearts of the brave.
only to dance behind the eyes of the innocent.
our sky is not for limitless reaching but for ghosts of memories- tossed over the heads of the hurt. lingering in the air like thick fogs of thunder stinging those who wish to feel.
with each silky wave our seas gray of emotion, step by step its potent.
******* you of all your insecurities and restoring serenity.
we were broken stones unturned in the fields of the weak.
letting fear just dwell..
to a place where emotion is delusional!
because our hearts are cradled by the dark.
emotion is just a seduction of the mind, so we go to a place
where the broken is redeemable
and fragmentary souls mend themselves.
it is only here where the rain cries for the dried eyes
and wraps coldly around the lonely
given a sense of mother to child security.
almost like heaven but not quite there yet.
almost lifeless but you've reached a place..
almost like a different dimension,
something the ignorant would call "rock bottom"  
but I've witnessed the stench of  death the remains
on the gallows dangling like swing sets
because it is not often that the weakened can just stand alone.
i too was a victim of cherry blossom red against silver.
substituting pain for just 2 seconds of a blissful reality.
more accepting of the physical because i could not explain
what my brain was bawling to me.
then i found myself at a place
where it was okay to scream and i could finally breathe
i gave up my old habits when the darkness
started fighting internally.
the a place where my demons could no longer conquer me.

at first i could feel me slipping from myself
repeatedly reaching out and pulling my spirit back in
rapidly falling through different levels of darkness
experiencing pain i didn't know existed inside me
the more i fell into myself the more lost i became
jagged edges and sandpaper made me prone to it all
and i could no longer feel the fall..