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6.8k · Jan 2014
Chicana Homeland
She was lost in East L.A.
She was told she could be found
That she’d feel something profound
Once she walked over the streets
Once she would smell, touch and hear
Once she read the signs
Admired the murals
And entered each Laundromat.
3.9k · Oct 2015
The Border To Me
The border to me
XUAN CARLOS ESPINOZA-CUELLAR·WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2015
  
The border to me is a constant anguish,
A big pause button,
Often in dreams I dream of Mexico as my lover
And he waits for me,
And waits.
The border to me is my grandma’s rosary,
She said she’d hold on until I could go back,
Until she couldn’t.
I recently found out that for years she’d scold my cousins for using my table games “he’s coming back, and he’ll ask for them…”
And she’d save t hem in her old, rusty closet.
The border to me is a big pause button,
I often dream of going back,
Who will I be then, when I hit play?
Who will I speak with to recover my grandmother’s prayers,
To collect 12 years of unclaimed hugs,
All the wrinkles and gray hairs I missed on her hair,
And every step I couldn’t walk by her.
But one day I will cross back,
In the middle of songs and candles I will conjure her spirit,
And I will look in the back of that old closet
Where she saved my table games
And there I will find her love
And her songs, her advice, her songs,
And the little pieces she left for me, hidden for me,
When she envisioned the day
That this pause would be over.
3.7k · Sep 2016
Fat Feet Like Tamales
Tus patas tamalonas, your fat feet
Fat feet
That makes the ground tremble as I take a step
My feet are flat
To be closer to the earth
God wanted me to remain grounded
To grow roots before I yearned for the sky
My grandma's feet:
Callous, hard, dry
Her feet were old books filled with handwritten poems
Romantic love journals
Her callous feet had to get like that
So that thorns and nails could no longer hurt
My grandmothers' travesia was grand
Her feet were so eager to move on
That they walked on their own
Patas! Patas tamalonas!
Grandmother would tickle my feet
And I'd laugh
Grandma, why do we get feet?
Because God wants us to walk mijo
Even when your feet are flat
Fat, uneven, or they hurt you must always walk
Stand up when they try to force you to sit down
Because those feet are yours
Today I walk, following your footprints
My fat feet being embraced by the hot sand
As I follow the sound of the waves
There you are
Waiting for me at the edge...
3.6k · Jan 2014
Sex and Heart-Sexo y Corazon
I encourage you to abandon your faith
imagine the uncondonable
do the unpardonable
and rest in the arms of father mountain

I encourage you to go beyond your thoughts
appeal to your animalistic self
let go of your inhibitions
and tear me up in bed

I encourage you to try the impossible
reach the corners of your body
where pleasure is indigenous
where there will never be colonization

I encourage you to learn a new language
to not be patriotic
and worship your own flesh
resist majoritarian temptation
and dig an altar to yourself

I encourage you to love me
without strings, with no chains,
corral me, make me struggle,
and deep your soul within my veins

love me whole
sin fragmentations
love me across borders
without concessions
with negotiations
and complications

I encourage you to love.
3.5k · Jan 2014
shade and prose
The world is full of shade and prose
And I don’t know what to do anymore
Audre Lorde said “silence will not protect you”
But I been weaving my silences into a survivor’s quilt
Because I’m tired of surviving
And I’m cold and want to use it as my blanket
Out there in that cold *** world

The world is full of shade and prose
*** workers on boulder highway
Wanna be poets writing in spanglish
White privilege, patriarchy and all
I kinda wish I’d write songs instead of poems
You know, songs about love
But no
Cuz the world is full of shade and prose
Bus stops/stop and frisk
Judgment day enthusiasts/Holocaust deniers
I am tired of “it happened before I was born”
And “I feel guilty but I did not ask to be privileged”
And when I say: Then do something
They ask me “what?”
I reply: NO
The world is full of shade and prose

The chicken never made it across the street
There is so much deconstruction
And so little relief
We will soon end up homeless
And will have to pawn the master’s tools
Or maybe just sell them at the swapmeet
For a dollar or two

I mean who cares as long as we’re in love
If at the end
The world is full of shade and prose.
3.5k · Jan 2014
Diabetes babe
Diabetes, babe
Why can’t you be kind to me?
I appreciate your sweetness and all.
Setting my life on “reset”
And making me feel like ****

Diabetes, my love
Can you please be nice to me?
Give me a few more years to live
Stop making my mouth dry
Stop making ‘ama cry

Diabetes, chiquito
Tratame bien corazon,
No me metas tentacion
Por que de ver los tamales,
El pozole, el salpicon
Se me olvida que el suicidio
Se esconde en un chicharron

Diabetes, mi rey
Anda pues no te hagas wey
Que la dieta sea mi amiga
Librame de la fatiga
Y de la azucar maligna

Diabetes,
Let me live
I want to eat cheesecake again
Life without sugar is lame
And equal is not so great

Diabetes, babe
Let me be…
3.5k · Jul 2014
They Think They're Free
he
him, miralo
he has nothing special
he gets lost among crowds

she
her, mirala
she swears we're beyond racism
sexism, citizenism, heterosexism
classism,
and many other isms

they have something in common...

they think they're free
which is very different to
they think (therefore) they're free

because indoctrination has  infected their thoughts
they call themselves patriots as they proudly wear the american flag
on small pins
they even have a yellow "support our troops" sticker on their bumper

i'm telling you
she thinks she's free:
mrs. successful latina
"embraced" by america's corporate world
she "broke through" the glass ceiling
(then sealed it again)
no... other latinas would be too much of a competition
they need to have their own merits
have it as hard as she had it

she feels good about being tokenized
she's glad that "America" gave her such opportunities
"Why her?" out of so many others
she's so lucky
so why bother
**** the rest
as long as "she's free"

He thinks he's free:
"What's with this feminist *******" he says
he raises his fist
but not in an empowering way
instead
he threatens to land it on a woman's face
"that's what she gets
for trying to be a man"

They think they're free
"we're over homophobia
they're just isolated cases of intolerance..."
"i mean as long as you go about your business
and don't bother no body
i mean
don't preach it to everyone
don't show it
don't say it
you're free to be who you are
but just hide it...
why do you want to get married?
it doesn't make sense
i mean it might only be a phase..."

we think we're free
"we do the jobs no body else wants
this is not our country you know,
we need to follow the rules,
be good citizens,
don't ask for too much,
make sure we don't make them uncomfortable,
keep the status quo,
stop...they're starring...
we should wait...
let them set the rules"

today:
they think they're free
but one day
they'll think
and therefore
they will be truly free...

xtp

los angeles, march 3 2008
2.9k · Jan 2014
anti-pedagogy of love
Because i'd rather avoid you, delete you, ignore you
because the last thing I wanted to was to find myself in the middle of the night before a full day of MEChA activities and workshops writing you a ******* tragic melancholic pathetic love poem
which makes me angry and sad at the same time
talk about intersectionality

because it's hard to survive
and I want to live
and feel loved
and I feel you take me for granted
and in order to honor the love I have for you
I need to let you go
until I can love you as a friend

you taught me to love you without limits
and that's so hard to unlearn

because I learned to wait, to listen, to save, to not expect, to serve, to accept

because I refuse to go on and pretend this love doesn't exist
because I can't be your best friend
comadre, sister or whatever the ******* call it

because you make me feel little, ugly, betrayed, silenced, guilty, unwanted, dependent, anxious,

and because you always expect a reason from me
mientras como de tu plato hondo de soledad y silencio

because I want you to cry like I cried
feel what I felt
believe what I believed
know what I once thought I knew

because I need me whole
and you taught me to love me in fragments.

Because I love you, and love like that is so hard to unlearn. Any theories for that?
2.7k · Jan 2014
faggot
trigger, strong language

Soy un puñal
certero al corazón
de la construcción social

I am a ******
flaming ******
***… (repeat after me…)
fagggggg
faaaaaggggggg:
soy una fogata
I am fire and heat
I raise from the ashes
of hundreds of years
of silence, love and tears

soy joto, maricon, rarito
I am queer
poderoso, vulnerable
soy “bonito”
soy pajaro, pato, ****
I can fly, i’ve got wings tu sabes
don’t **** with me
soy astuto
soy perra
soy una fiera
mi cuerpo
cruza fronteras
como si fuera coyote
as if I was a pollera

soy de la mano caída
mi mano apunta a la tierra
por que soy fuerza divina

I am multiplicity
survivor, resister
soy grande
como mi madre, como mi abuela
I am all powerful, sublime
if I wasn’t
why would you feel so threaten
at the mere sight of my eyes…
2.4k · Jan 2014
Late Night Porn
Babe you are worse than late night ****
Sinful like fried chocolate cake
Ironic like chicken and waffles with a diet coke
Or using lard based dressing on a salad

You bad
Like menudo without lime
Like hot cheetos to my kidneys

My desire for you is like:
That nostalgia you feel like a lump in your chest
The first time you smoked ****
The first time you came
The first time you fell in love

I’m sad cuz you ain’t here
And glad you’re far away.
2.1k · Jan 2018
Siempreviva
It is not my story to tell:
Languishing dreams in the midst of barbed wire fences,
Fearless laughter,
We add lemon, chile powder and salt to this border.

They carry these stories,
Heavy as a sack filled with indignities,
Weighty, like your grandmother’s advice,
Cumbersome, like this daily mental displacement.

I have not bought big things as of lately,
In my mind I plan my exits,
I constantly check my relocation fund,
“What if” is a constant in my lexicon.

I often break in tears at the sound of an immigrant story,
My emotions become gallons of water:
broken and splashed by the boots of immigration officers,
Little do they know, we are cacti:
Tough and our seeds also flourish post mortem.

I want to sing an immigrant song:
Less like butterflies who migrate,
But more like dislocated nations,
Collateral flesh, caught up in steel thorns.

Rest assured we will survive,
Like leaves of siempreviva,
Even after torn away from our stem,
We will grow our own roots:
Defiant, resilient, and with a stubborn willingness to belong.

We are you.
2.0k · Jul 2014
Llora Pachamama
Llora palestina, llora
Llora gaza
Lloran las fronteras
Supuran sus llagas llenas de cantos de injusticia
Largos cantos de dolor que emanan de las entrañas

Llora Honduras, llora El Salvador, Llora Nicaragua
Tus hijos los más pequeños montados en bestias
Huyendo de otras bestias, rodeados de bestias
Hacia la bestia padre
Padre de todas las bestias (solo basta recordar para entender)

Llora México entre plomos y promesas
Llora el indio en la sierra
La mujer en costa chica
El campesino en la huasteca
México un plantío de drogas y de sangre
Donde los ricos se hacen más ricos
Y los pobres valen menos que las balas que los matan

Llora la Tierra, Onile, la Pachamama
Entre lenguajes hegemónicos y pueblos sublevados
Hace mucho que nadie la escucha
Solo los indios y los brujos con sus hechizos
Pero pronto volveremos a poner la frente al piso
Para oír de cerca lo que reclama.
1.9k · Jan 2014
Undocuqueer
Crúzate conmigo wey and let me dream

No liase que seamos undocuqueer

Al cabo que el amor no ocupa visas



Firma con tus labios el contrato de mi piel

March next to me

Aquí no vale el papel

Propose to me at a demonstration

Kiss me and retaliate at this ******* system of subordination



Baby we are fighting for love

(and against deportation)



            No pardon needed here for being fierce

The only paper I need right now is the one embracing this ink

I also need you here

No human is illegal

And love is undocuqueer.
1.6k · Oct 2016
La Otra
Yo quiero ser la otra:
La que escondes de noche,
La de paseos en coche,
La de cosas prohibidas,

Quiero ser la querida:
Por siempre tu derroche,
Cómplice en tus huidas,
La que lame tus heridas
Y sabe mirarte a los ojos
(Cuando ni tú mismo te reconoces,)

Jamás ser la oficial,
Ni la de la silla presidencial,
Ni la santísima catedral,

Yo:
Yo quiero ser templo escondido,
En medio de la sombra del suplicio,
A donde llegas hambriento y cansado
A ofrecer tu sacrificio,
Tu amor
Sin derechos, ni beneficios...

Caemos lentamente al precipicio,
Donde dicen que de allá uno jamás vuelve,
Una sombra roja nos envuelve,
Dicen que ahí es donde los pecados se absuelven,
Ahí, donde te conocí,
En ese bar de mala muerte,
De la mano de aquel con el alma rota...
Yo quiero ser la otra.
1.6k · Jan 2014
evangelic shame
With my hands, I want to erase 500 years of colonialism off your flesh.
With my lips, I want to placate your christian guilt and burn away your evangelic shame.
With my words, I want to travel through your mind spreading a new gospel of love.
All in all:
I want you to become your own savior
breaking tradition in little pieces and rising in passion as a whole until you can touch the moon without having to be crucified.

I want you to leave me if that's part of your liberation.

It is imperialism and not god that they worship.
Being touched by the holy spirit as they turn deaf to the cries of children in Iraq... and on top of that calling the poor woman of color who just had an abortion a murderer. (meanwhile their pastors and priests **** children nonstop.)
Begging for donations to build the next temple as people in intervention torn countries die of hunger (all of this while Bill Gates and Carlos Slim become richer.)
1.5k · Jan 2014
Gorda Canción
quiero escribirte mil gordas,
gordas formadas en líneas,
gordas tiradas en el pasto,
gordas con sus lonjas libres y sin fajas ni pantalones dos tallas menos que asfixien los tejidos de mi piel:
quiero cantarte una gorda canción.

gordas pinches gordas,
gordo el culo gordo el corazón,
gordas las piernas y los muslos,
las caderas.... tentación.

gordas !gordas son las anchas glorietas de la avenida gorda de la ciudad gorda donde todos los gordos y las gordas bailan un son que dice:

tu eres golosa golosa y glotona, tu eres golosa golosa y glotona,
pinche gorda poderosa
tu eres fuerte tu eres diosa
tus curvas son deliciosas
templo lavado con miel
para mi tu eres sagrada
dulce, fuerte y cotizada

gorda tu eres toda gorda,
vos sos toda gorda,
amante gorda,
gorda estudiante,
gorda madre,
gorda hija,
gorda espíritu santa.

¡bienvenidos a gordaztlan!
donde mandamos las gordas
y nuestro proceso de colonización conlleva amar nuestras lonjas,
nuestra panza, nuestras chichotas.

¡donde nada es imperfecto!
ni el lunar bajo del labio,
ni los pelos de la panocha.

¡pasen pasen! por las anchas puertas de nuestro gordo destino,
dicen que la vida es flaca
pero gordo es el camino,
en una mano el elote
en la otra mano el pepino,

con tortillas, chile gordo,
gordolagas con tocino.

¡gorda! ¡gorda!
sube tallas
¡y ven a bailar conmigo!
1.5k · Jan 2014
lacerated dreams
it ain’t got to be so complicated

knowledge should be available

free and running like water streams and ****



love should not be incarcerated

neither should dreams be lacerated

amongst barbed wire fences and ****



no body parts should feed the desert

no last breaths should be taken at the edge of dreams



why is it gotta be so **** complicated?

Filling out papers and ****

Singing hymns and chants to the empire

            Why should some hide their red

            While others call it patriotism?

Yet, the sinister of their practice is glorified and praised and ****

Praised like Jesus.. en el nombre de Cristo Jesus



A pregnant woman left to starve

            While pedestrians watched

                        And children recorded

Children,

            Children beaten by life

Children who beat other children unconscious

Drug dealing children

            ******* children

                        Illegal alien children

Poor children

                        Poor colored children



Why has **** got to be so complicated?

We as a society feed off their flesh

Their voice, their fall from grace

We feast off their broken spirits

Cash checks over their corpses

And we demand more



What type of society are we

            That we demand doom

                        While claiming privilege and ****?
1.5k · Apr 2015
colonial guilt
Blanco
Que de noche te metes como sabana en mi cama,
Draping between my legs,
Collapsing on my skin,
Falling over my soul as guilt:
          Colonial guilt.

Tus ojos azules como los del jesucristo de mi abuela,
La vieja escuela,
La escuela antigua,
Me pierdo inocente en tu manigua,
Y me desvelas.
(Que carajo diria mi abuela?)

You held on as one holds on to hope,
Como los clavos del cristo de los blancos,
Callado y con cuidado,
With the overwhelming silence of a temple:
          Worship, worship, worship!

Tu sueno colonial desamparado
Sleeping next to me
Y entre mis brazos
Igual como la yerba en los pantanos.
1.4k · Jan 2014
I want to write pretty shit
I really wanna write pretty ****
Like about birds singing at night
or the tired steps of the one Mexican maid
as she passes by my house before and after work

I want to write pretty ****
About my mother’s resilience
Her words of encouragement
And the sound of defeat in her “mijo no tengo ni pa’ la leche”

I want to write pretty ****, academic ****, deep ****,
About beautiful man of color
Trying to be anything but black or brown
Girlfriends claiming their white side
The silencing of accented voices
I am dying to write pretty ****

I want to write about her big *** eyelashes
And her fierce makeup
And how her face was flawless when they found her laying there
In a poodle of blood
Why would anyone **** someone so pretty?
It’s as if they hated pretty ****
Like the color of brown and black skin
And green trees and ****
Why do they like to **** pretty ****?
Like spirituality and native languages?
And they give nobel peace prizes to ****** up institutions with ****** up policies that push people to desperation, bomb them, starve them, and at the end blame them,
They like to blame pretty **** too

I want to write pretty ****
Like waking up to the bright sun
And driving by the day laborers at home depot
Some of them look so hopeful, and some of them so defeated
Some of them sleep beneath the little tree on the parking lot
Why do you illegalize pretty people?

Ain’t freedom pretty and injustice ugly?
Then why don’t we write about justice and ****
About the caribou not having to be fenced
And native land returned to indigenous peoples

Why don’t we claim our inner beauty
And recycle all them ****** up magazines filled with cropped bodies treated as money, souless bodies,
The fashion industry is ugly

And why don’t obama talk about pretty ****
Like reparations and wealth redistribution
And getting rid of Deportations, Deportations that’s some ugly ****
1.4k · Sep 2014
La Malinche
Malinche
Traitor to my race
As I dig into your white thighs
as I dive into your body
500 years of colonization
Your blue eyes
blue like the oceans your ancestors crossed to invade
invade the land I call home
just like you invade my thoughts, my flesh, my desire

Malinche
traitor to my cause
as you kiss me i keep thinking
will i be one of them?
one of the men of color accused of not dating his own, loving his own, desiring his own
buying into the "pa' mejorar la raza" narrative

Malinche
as you are laying over my chest i keep pondering
if it's ok to desire you
to hold you
to tell you you are beautiful
and i wonder how many times you've been told that
by someone like me

so i fall asleep in your arms
wake up in the middle of the night and asked you to leave

Malinche
traitor to my desire.
I know it's cheesy but I enjoyed writing it

Oh baby riding slow

On that old Chevy of mine

Baby just you and I

At Cesar Chavez park



Tu y yo under the stars

Listening to old jams

Te acuerdas de our song

The one that made you cry



I go down, you exhale,

Then poetry fills the air

Baby just you and I

At Cesar Chavez park



This is no LA poem

It’s LV vato love

Just hold me apretadito

Papito don’t let go



Rest your head on my shoulder

While you’re holding my hand

It’s me and my only baby

At Cesar Chavez park.
1.4k · Jan 2014
Big Walmart Bag
Nail polish residue is dangerous
So are your memories
But I still bite them away
As if they were my fingernails

Left over mascara
Bad make up
brake up letters
Tacky drag jewelry
I save them all in a big Walmart bag
Just in case, you know,
Just in case...
1.3k · Jan 2014
You Will Love
You will love
And it will hurt sometimes
Your frijoles will burn sometimes
And sometimes you’ll put too much salt or not enough
An insult or two
But mijo don’t ever let him hit you
And leave before you hit him back

You will love
And it will **** sometimes
Cocine en olla de barro
Persígnese en la mañana
Use condones y lubricante
Y guarde un cuchillo debajo de la cama

You will love
And it will feel good sometimes
No le eche tanta sal a la carne
Póngale un vaso de agua a sus muertos
Take lots of pictures
And in times of trial, don’t forget about the good memories
Invoke them, que esas lo van a sacar de dudas

You will love
And it will get intense sometimes
Límpiese con un ramo de flores blancas
Hágase un baño de agua florida con cascarilla
Get tested at least twice a year,
Y coma bien, no se malpase

You will love
And it will be sad sometimes
Use grape seed oil instead of mazola
Chia seeds on your water, pa’ la diabetis
Honey instead of refined sugars
******* once a day o las veces que quiera
And never let your ****** desire depend on a man
For all men despite their beauty can be damaged

You will love
And you will be on top of the world sometimes
Don’t eat so many tortillas,
Soda is not good for your kidneys, drink water or brew your own ice tea o hagase su juguito natural
Sea humilde y buena gente
No need to be mean and creido
Crease de su identidad y su lenguage
Ya lo material va y viene
Pero eso sí, que no se lo hagan pendejo que por ahí hay mucho cabron abusivo

You will love
And you will break up sometimes
Don’t overdo it with the drinking
Write a lot of poetry
Listen to a lot of Jenni Rivera
Go out and enjoy your singlehood
Que es bien bonito no rendirle cuentas a nadie

You will love
Pero no se olvide de uste’ mismo
Love yourself
Quiérase musho
Pa’ que ningún cabrón le vea la cara de pendejo
Pero antes de que llore por cualquier wey
Acuérdese de su ama
De su guelita
Y de su familia
Y piense que un hombre por más rico que coja no es todo en la vida

Acuérdese que venimos de una raza de gente fuerte y hermosa
Pero que eso no nos quita lo hijos de la chingada
Y de eso también hay que estar orgullosos
Porque lo hijos de la chingada es lo que nos ayuda a sobrevivir
Nomas no hay que ser hijos de la chingada con la gente que como nosotros sufre y lucha
Sea hijo de la chingada con la gente que nos quiere chingar

You will love,
And love is the only thing that will bring you happiness
Beauty and health
Love pues y cuando le digan que no puede amar a otro hombre
Mándelos a la chingada y dígales con palabras de profeta: YOU WILL LOVE.
1.2k · Jan 2014
I'm a bad lover
I’m a bad lover
I ask too many questions and some answers make me uneasy,
‘Am impacient, sometimes have low self esteem and sometimes I just think I’m the **** (I do really)

I’m a bad lover
I tend to inundate the objects of my affection with attention, cheesy poetry and random drawings that look more like kindergarden scribble.
Broken promises **** me.

I’m a bad lover
I am inclined to forgive with ease but remember with intensity.
I do not acknowledge moderation when it comes to kissing.
I sometimes prejudge according to my last relationships.
And somehow I am not afraid of being loyal.

I’m a bad lover
I love cats and warm, fuzzy feelings.
I’ll rather watch a documentary than a horror movie.
I turn awkward in certain situations.
I go to sleep listening to democracynow.org but think Amy Goodman should be a bit more energetic, it’s almost as if she’s bored or ******* or something.

I’m a bad lover
1.2k · Feb 2015
When you fall
I give up on you
Men of appearances
Men who will crumble as you question their true level of intimacy
Men who will feel forever shamed by their weight, class, **** size, *******
Men who will not think about stepping over you in order to look taller
Men who will never love, but unconsciously choose to live in a constant state of crisis just so they can feel alive
Papi, I give up on you

I give up on you as you tell me you want to be friends,
Then you call me in the middle of the night as you feel insecure because your grindr hookup never showed up, or showed up but left you feeling alone, empty, used, *****
So you come to me for healing, to build you up only so you can leave my bed feeling new and ready for your next fall
I will not pick you up again

You need to learn that love is mutual and something more than laying down to cuddle, love is a deep and transformative understanding, love is not Hollywood or healing **** sessions, it’s beyond that, and it feels free.  
And every time you leave I feel entrapped and know that you will only come back
When you fall.
1.2k · May 2015
Poema Malescrito
Quiero escribirte un poema malescrito
Lleno de errores ortograficos
Un poema hereje a la metrica poetica
Un poema irreverente a la gramatica

Quiero volverme un rebelde asmatico
Tu amante diabetico
Amor antipatico
Ateo y medio psiquico

Lago en sequia
Freemont street sin puteria
Entre azul y buenos dias
Barrio caliente sin policia

Quiero que resientas todas y cada una de mis ausencias
Como la biblia a la ciencia
Opresor a la conciencia

Ser tu desacato
Tu rebelion
Tu desobediencia
Un beso roto en resistencia
Lo contrario a la decensia

Amor sin contrato
Puta con licensiatura
Medio malo y medio ingrato
Inocente y hasta novato
En eso de pasar el rato
Sin que el corazon se enlode
Igual que cuando pisas el fango
Con tu zapato.

No hay poemas simples
Solo poetas nerviosos
1.1k · Jan 2014
Mute Lover
Almost like a dream
pa' que quiero el cielo if I could touch you
if I could feel your lips

I can write endless poems over your flesh
with the tips of my fingers
bite your knees
taste your legs
as I hear you sigh... suavecito... y con pausas...
our only language is the tremble of your thighs
your sudden fast breathing
a moan.. or two
your *** over my hair

asi... we stay in passionate silence
almost like in a dream
we speak of broken times
except we do not speak
we write

asi holding you tight
as night waves passed by us
I catch your dreams
you slept
your lips spoke to mine
I learned to hear you with my flesh
never had silence being this sublime

“i like writing with you
it feels like a long poem... one that I enjoy...”
1.1k · Jan 2014
Mexican Love Song
I want to write you a love song

Smooth-slow

And soothing to your ears,,,



I want to write you a love song

That takes you to a moon made out of brown sugar

With giant crimson trees

And big strawberries,,,



I want to rescue whatever romance is

I want this song to touch you

And run down your skin like thick, warm syrup made with rose petals and agave honey

I want you to lay back and listen

Listen to our love song
1.1k · Feb 2014
poema de gratitud
Gracias te doy a vos
el canto atroz de las montanas
Llano ensordecedor
Que de nuestro alrededor emana

Gracias viejo profesor
Por cada leccion reprobada
Cada clase repetida
Y la garganta ensangrentada

Gracias amante infiel
Amigo traidor
Lengua azotadora
Hechizo de amor

Porque cada golpe
cada herida
Cada grieta
Me ha hecho no solo mas fuerte
Sino mejor.
1.1k · Jan 2014
Hechizo
Se habla de amor a medianoche
Se hacen limpias y amarres
Se llena el sol de miel

Soy un collar de cuentas de coral
Pegado al cuello de una sacerdotisa
Hija de Yemaya

Se llenan papeles de inmigración
Se hacen reembolsos de impuestos
Se distribuyen palabras románticas en las paradas de autobús

Yo soy el hilo que mantiene las cuentas
Pequeñas perlas de jabón, sangre y miel
Tu nombre escrito en pedazos de papel
1.0k · Jan 2014
I speak with Spice
Once they told me I couldn’t speak

So I yelled        I conjured love           I sang

            I prayed and moaned

I wrote             I recited healing thoughts

            Then, I also spoke

                        But when I spoke they laughed at my accent:

So I wrote more poetry just so that I could expose it even more

Turned my accent into seeds and planted them deep within my soul



I painted my accent,               made an offering to my Mother Tongue

            Blood offering, feathers and honey and all kinds of foods

                        I praised my tongue, I spoke  

            I accented my existence

Because I don’t speak plainish

            I speak with Spice.
1.0k · Jan 2014
Papi
Papi, we won't struggle no more
I promise you
it will be fine

papi, i'm gonna buy a car
and take you out to look at the stars

u won't have to ride the bus
with all them weird fools
(they probly think we are weird as **** too)

papi,
your skin is like the sky at night
do u remember how I held on to your back?
(but u never called back)
My eyes feel heavy

Simmering and hot

Like the canela I drink to lower my blood sugar



I dream of you leaving

Entering that hotel

And me: motionless, helpless, and waiting



You want to eat the world

And I want to eat with you

You want to fly and feel

I want to fly and feel you: your heartbeat, your breathing, your stories…



I want to love with you

I want to believe your words

I want to hold your lips sacred



May be I am not as open minded as I thought I was

Maybe it’s my internalized sexism

Or maybe I learned to hold on to what I love with all my might and strength

And maybe I just don’t know how to love

But I want to re-learn it ******!



I want to hold you

And warn you that what’s out there ain’t always cute and cuddly

That these men we call our lovers will tell you anything

Make you lose whatever little dignity you have

Whatever little love you got left

To fill you up with their flesh, *****, lust, damage.

I’ve been with these men, these men we have fantasies with, these men that will touch us but won’t feel us, **** us, but won’t kiss us, **** us but won’t hear us. And you dream of these men, and you touch yourself thinking of these men, but these men will never make contact with your deeper self, con tu espiritu, con tu corazon.

Not to say I’m not possessive, overwhelming and impatient.  I just want to hold you under the rain, and let you know it’s ok to be wet, but not soaking the whole day (pretending to be dry.)

Good  Night

All to say, our mother’s are right: be careful out there.
950 · May 2015
ya no me gustas
Ya no me gustas, tu piel esta arrugada, llena de manchas de la edad

Ya no me gustas, tus ojos se ven cansados, tus pasos desolados

Tus sentimientos aislados

Tus ganas de llorar



Ya no me gustas, como antes me gustabas

La juventud de tus labios de tanto fuego se quemo

Ya no me gustas, tus caricias de noche no se sienten constantes

Ya no somos los de antes



Ya no me gustas

Me encantas, viejo amante.
920 · Jan 2014
i'm going to steal you
i’m going to steal you….

In the middle of the night

I’m going to steal you

Like an expensive piece of art

I’m gonna steal you



Like the rain steals the dryness

Of the dessert i cry on

I’m gonna steal you

As you sleep

As you dream

As you mourn



While you eat cookies con leche

While you watch a random movie

As you iron a wrinkled old shirt

As you cook huevos rancheros



I’m gonna steal you



Voy a robarte

A la antigua

A la buena, a la mala



Between sombra y resolana,

I will carry you in my canana

As a bullet for revolution



I’m gonna steal you

While worlds wage war against each other

As the  corn goddess watches over

Little children of a poor neighborhood

In Vegas



Voy a robarte

Y llevarte entre las piernas

Like bootlegged tequila

During the prohibition



I’m going to steal your superstitions

And show you

That words carry such a strong action



So strong

That we seldom belong in our own realities



The realities imposed

By every single law of attraction



I’m gonna steal you

Like la Llorona

El calzonudo

El Diablo blanco

Los gitanos

Or el viejo del costal

As you rest your feet on the floor

Ponderously looking at the sky

In your search for a perfect star

In july’s cielos…



I’m going to steal you…
910 · Feb 2014
granola bars
How many secrets does it take to get anywhere near-profound-close to your soul
Silence is your key
Old rusty cells filled with phantom - unspoken memories dressed in white
I walk away
Chewing on words as if they were granola bars
Because I'll rather be a witness of your self empowered collapse
Than the one who secretly pushed you over the edge
With gusto.
903 · Jan 2014
Academic Apostasy
They tell us of places and theories
speak of the radicalness of our flesh
say that we must take responsibility of ourselves
as they sit behind their hard earned desks

they speak of their authority
and empowerment through words to the point that I wish to acquire such audacity

isn't that what our liberation is all about?
Recreating patterns of oppression
reach elitist capacities
sound … well structured and become one of the prodigies they can throw in their collection of so called advancement

I no longer seek validation of my processes through your bureaucratic systems
my knowledge does not emanate from intellectually justified sources but from las historias passed down to me by my fore-mothers

keep your favors, sympathy and unreasonable accommodations

yes, I will move on
but con un nuevo entendimiento:
de que ustedes no dictan las bases del feminismo
ni la capacidad de mi criterio

resisto sus juicios
y no acepto sus terminos
no firmo
por que mi educacion
no tiene fecha de expiracion
ni es un producto o contrato
al mejor postor.
887 · Jan 2014
Queer Kissing
When your lips touch mine
they share centuries
historias enraizadas
struggles, shy moans
star dust
desert cactus
ocean

when your lips touch mine
I can hear the ocean's roar
I can feel one thousand waves under my toes
and I want you to hug me
for hours

when your lips touch mine
I forget anger, and lust,
I feel found and lost
lost and found
(and something deep and profound)
when your lips touch mine
I see the sky in your skin
in see the sea in your eyes
I feel the warmth of desert's sand


when your lips touch mine.
882 · Jan 2014
The waters
El agua se desborda,  las cosas estan mas cerca de lo que suelen aparentar.

Waves Crashing Against Giant Glass Windows
The waters washing away the lies
Nobody lies to Yemaya
Nobody lies to Yemaya

We sit so peacefully while chaos strikes
Some of us in shock while others run
Nobody lies to Yemaya
Nobody lies to Yemaya

Los barcos de guerra se preparan en el mar
La luna misma ya no quiere brillar
Dicen los viejos que es tiempo de cambiar
Porque al final nadie le miente a Yemaya.
881 · Jan 2014
mean ass dick
Indeed

I needed to hear it, listen to it, see it, touch it, and feel it

I can’t just work by memory

Because if we think about it

How many memories of love do we have?

They are so few that I hang on to them with all my might

Pero cuando es solo una persona con el peso del recuerdo, it hurts.



And since I love and approve of myself como dice la Louise Hay

Today I forgive you and I let you free

And with that I free myself too

I free myself so I can meet someone who can offer me real love

Not that your love was fake, but it just wasn’t fulfilling

Like going to olive garden and not eating bread sticks

The love I envision every morning (that’s around 11 am for me)



Tienes la maña de irte cuando la cosa se pone buena

To walk away from love when it’s the most intense

I grew up with fear

And I don’t want it in my relationship, in my menudo or in my diet coke

And since I’m letting go of **** right now

Mr. Fear, I forgive you too and I let you free

And with that I free myself too

I free myself so I can walk firmly, sin miedo.



You have a wondering eye, why lie? (And so do I)

****, I cheated on you I don’t know how many times

But the difference was I know how to cover my tracks

And I forgive myself and set me free

I cheated myself

Believing that I could find the love I was missing from you

Inside other men’s ****

So I ****** some mean *** ****

But I would do it fast thinking that you were home waiting for me

How considerate of me!

Indeed.
863 · May 2015
when you fall
I give up on you

Men of appearances

Men who will crumble as you question their true level of intimacy

Men who will feel forever shamed by their weight, class, **** size, *******

Men who will not think about stepping over you in order to look taller

Men who will never love, but unconsciously choose to live in a constant state of crisis just so they can feel alive

Papi, I give up on you



I give up on you as you tell me you want to be friends,

Then you call me in the middle of the night as you feel insecure because your grindr hookup never showed up, or showed up but left you feeling alone, empty, used, *****

So you come to me for healing, to build you up only so you can leave my bed feeling new and ready for your next fall

I will not pick you up again



You need to learn that love is mutual and something more than laying down to cuddle, love is a deep and transformative understanding, love is not Hollywood or healing **** sessions, it’s beyond that, and it feels free.

And every time you leave I feel entrapped and know that you will only come back

When you fall.
860 · Jul 2014
Pork Skins and Sour Cream
Tacos fritos oil's drip
     drop by drop
          skin by skin

i eat the flesh of my own
     taste their blood
          drink their sweat

i become the piece of glass
     that cuts their knees
          as they kneel

i am the extra chili on the sauce

     i'm the rock in the beans
          the high pressure in their veins

               the cents of their paychecks

dry cement on their boots

     in their hands:
          i'm the most hurtful cut

i am a sign in their thoughts
    
     i'm a moment in time

small piece of their soul

     the beggar's ***** clothes

           oil stains in the streets

i am the memories of dirt floors
    jalapeños
      pork skins and sour cream
          the pains of poverty...
xtp
855 · Jan 2014
i pause
As each second rises to the sky
I pause
I stop breathing
so that I can hear your heart

then, I refrain from blinking
just so that I won't miss your sweat sprouting as wild flowers after summer rain
I want to witness the ****** expressions you make
as you reach the mountain top
while clasping against my skin, my face

I pause
as you break through my flesh
as you scratch and caress
as you bite
as you call me “papi”
Papi...I pause

and I taste all your flavors
and I lick, and I devour your thighs
we become dark as night
lost in the fire at dusk
as the sun chases us...
I pause... to feel your lips again... pressed against mine... before you walk away... I pause.
845 · May 2015
2nd night cuddle
Tu y yo en la noche fria

Entrelazados bajo cobijas

Como tamales de dulce

En una olla gigante de barro



I want to keep you forever

Become the water to your river

The vision to your spirit

The light to your progress

I want to stay in this beautiful uncertain moment

Court you, engage you, and inspire you

I want your heart to beat faster as I get closer

I want to become that one emotion that overwhelms every other

Your resting place, your peaceful love, your regenerating space

Your warm Mexican blanket
831 · Jan 2014
Tienes Miedo?
You are afraid if we tell you
afraid if we conceal (what we would really like to say)
afraid that we might indoctrinate you
afraid that we would rather like for you to disappear
afraid that we talk about you
afraid that we ignore what you are about
afraid that our words might be too harsh
afraid that we'll walk out without your blessing
afraid that we like to think outside of dogma
afraid that we take pleasure on challenging what you hold dear
afraid that we don't feel defended by your body (or by your *****)
afraid that you might not cut it
or that we will use you (as a souvenir)
afraid that we are [not] conspicuous (sometimes we are)
afraid that (we are quite queer)
afraid of conspiracy and delusion
afraid of truth
afraid of me.
823 · Oct 2015
Cacti
She hated her mother's voice, her strong accent thick like champurrado.    Her defiance, her identity.    

  She didn't fit in, and her mother's voice was a reminder why.
A constant reminder.   She hated the moment she crossed that border, maybe “I would have been the popular girl at school with a mother in the United States”. But here she was just an illegal.  

  So many postcards, pretty pictures of tall buildings:   “Las Vegas, city of lights”. She dreamed of one day being a tourist,   like them gueras on TV,   with their flashy credit cards, ordering coca light and rare steak. But here, she was just an illegal.

  Her resentment grew like a cactus: green, slimy, tall and filled with thorns. Each microagression a thorn,   each mispronounced word a bullet.

  She remembers that one day   when her English teacher made her read. She caught her as she was about to leave the classroom,   “Miss Cuellar, it's your turn!”   “Dang this pinche vieja is slick!” she thought...   For cacti can't speak, much less read. But they remember. They remember each day they went without water, so their roots grew deep and profound in hostile ground, and they kept themselves strong, they hid themselves,   they stood tall and vulnerable in the middle of nowhere.

  “I am a cactus” she wrote as the first sentence of her English paper about identity, she then deleted those words, what the **** was her teacher going to think? Now this crazy *** illegal thinks she's a plant   so she wrote her name instead. But deep inside she knew she was a cactus in the middle of hostile lands, far away from that precious lake of healing waters where the wind sings and hills are green; far away from that country of dreams, colors and stories. Stories where her existence made sense, stories where she belonged. But here, she was just an illegal.

  So many things would trigger her, the sunset, the heat, people starting conversations,   “don't talk to me, cacti don't talk”   they grow thorns, they grow green, they like to be left alone. But she knew that that was not her natural state, she wanted to be free. Her spirit wanted to run out of that cactus. Why couldn't she be a bird? Un tzentzontle or a humming bird, even if they didn't live as long, they at least get to fly.

But instead there she remained, rooted, guarded and defenseless, no matter how profound her roots were, she was still an illegal: wrong countried, wrong bodied,   multispirited.   One day her skin began to cry,  a deep beautiful wound  from which a flower sprouted.  She had found poetry and realized that while cacti didn't speak they still flourished.
  To be continued..
I wish I was unbroken, without baggage, and free
I wish I could make you a house out of cardboard and dreams
Take away all your worries, rip and recycle bills
If only I could hear you singing to my ear… before I go to sleep

With you I’d:
Ride the bus towards freedom
Walk into alleys of autonomy
Streets where we could freely hold hands
Cover you with bed sheets filled with poetry written by our skin

I wish so many things… but now, it’s my deepest desire to feel you next to me.
I wish it was a lie. I’m gullible, you know… I still believe in love, yes, even at first sight.
810 · Jul 2014
las estrellas colgadas
que piensas de la noche..
cuando yace callada
eterna y desvelada
como bohemia dormida
;
las estrellas colgadas
en aquel libro *****
son iguales que versos
son como una caricia
;
los arboles ya secos
alzan sus pobres brazos
intentando tocar
un pedazo de cielo
;
las aves se acurrucan
en las tristes palmeras
los carros pasan secos
como aire en primavera
;
lo opaco de la noche
me llena de cenizas
los techos y las luces
luciernagas que pintan
;
pintan mi invierno triste
lo llenan de resina
y yo me sueño libre
como la noche fria
;
la noche nunca pregunta
siempre llega campante
invade cada parte
sin dar explicaciones
;
la noche se destaca
por ser bien libertina
la noche es un poema
repleto de caricias
;
las estrellas colgadas
del libro de la noche
vamonos a lo oscuro
vamonos a otro mundo
vamonos en un verso
al lugar mas profundo
al ***** de la noche
al lugar mas oscuro...
779 · Sep 2016
Absolute
No eres absoluto
You are not absolute
Like Porfirio’s power
Like the laws of physics
Like defaulted theories

No eres absoluto
Ni en lo diminuto de tus besos grises,
Tus brazos astutos,
No existen en luto.

I resist the words that will burst out of my lips
For I know my tongue
Usually lies out of mercy
And compassion

Truth is there’s no passion
Can’t live out of rations
I am not in dire need of love
I can live without the absolute emptiness you cause me

I can definitely breathe without you
No eres absoluto
Y de noche un brujo me cuenta que mientes
Mientes entre dientes
Cuando dices “tiempo” cuando insinúas “siento”  
Hoy ya no me tienes
Dejo el fondo abierto
Y de lejos sueño con las alas rotas
Para que no puedas volver a montarlas
Ni meterlas en tu maleta azul
Ni echártelas por la espalda

I await in silence, like one waits for judgment
I look at the ceiling
And I imagine how it looked when I didn’t know you…
I’ve become so familiar with the ceiling, looking at it every night as if it had answers for them never-ending questions…
Where is he?
Why can’t he see me?
Yet the insensitive ceiling remains motionless, static and monotonous: absolute.
764 · Jan 2014
Offering of Love
Why do I cry about love when children are dying of hunger?

Why do I feel empty about you, when millions live on a dollar?

Why do I cry about love when mothers are burying their children?



I want to cry for the right reasons

I want to cry for injustice

For wirikuta

I want to cry to my mother, my sisters, my grandmothers and beg them for forgiveness

Forgive all my sexist trespassing, all my alliances to abusive men, all my silences

Forgive all the times you cleaned after me and served me

All the awkward situations I put you into for defending me

And my right to be queer



Forgive me mother

Sisters, aunts, grandmothers, godmothers

For allowing you to be undermined in ceremony

For stepping up and not letting you speak

For speaking the words that belonged to you

For not singing soft enough for your ears



Why do I cry over men who don’t love me

And forget about the women who raised me to be the queer that I am?



So I place these tears as an offering of love

Will you please accept them?



Mother earth

Mother universe

Will you please accept my offering?



Why do I cry over love,

          While others have tears no more?
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