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Ila Feb 1
I told you it was hard to love you, this will be one of the regrets I have for life.

I told you it was hard to love you, but that couldn't be further from the truth.

I told you it was hard to love you, and for that I am sorry, I did not know what I was saying in that moment.

I told you it was hard to love you, and now I realize the impact it can have; you possibly thinking that for your whole life.

I told you it was hard to love you, but now I can only hope someone comes along and helps you prove I was wrong.

I told you it was hard to love you, but I hope that I explained myself well enough that you don't think that it is; I hope I was able to take it back.

I told you it was hard to love you, and now I wish I could say sorry, but I have no way of contacting you anymore.

I told you it was hard to love you, and now, this is the only way I can say sorry.
I'm sorry for all the things I said. I hope you don't think that for the rest of your life because it is simply unture. You were so easy to love.

"i am not asking you to love me, you shouldn'y if you think it would be difficut. It shouldn't be difficult"
Ila Oct 2020
I hate having regrets-as anyone does, so I do my best to make sure I don’t have any. I can count the number of regrets I have on one hand. I’ve conditioned myself not to regret the things I have done and will do.

My biggest regret at the moment was that I told you it would be hard to love you.

I said it after things were revealed, but I had no idea the effect it would leave. I told you I used the wrong words-I really did use the wrong ones.

I claim to be good with words and yet I let those few escape my mouth.

It was so easy to love you. There are so many things to love about you. I loved you and all the parts you hated about yourself. I would’ve kissed the scars left from the past if I could. I immediately tried to take it back, I have no idea if it worked.

I was scared and confused but saying “I love you” 4 hours after suddenly made everything better. Everything was so clear at that moment.

Tears cloud my vision. I’m so sorry.
I love you; I’m sorry; things I can never tell you again.
Ila Oct 2020
Tonight I am writing my feelings instead of expressing them into words. I have no goal or purpose with this, I am writing what flows out of my mind. I am numb. The world moves around me and I lay here, stagnant. So many questions without any answers. Is there a god I can call to.

I place my trust in the universe, an entity on its own. Fate lies within its clutches—she is the only one to dictate what goes. It was fated you left, maybe you’ll come back, maybe someone else will show up. Everything that you did to me was fated from the start. The fist “I love you” to the last goodbye. I had so many things to tell you in the time you were gone, and suddenly I wasn’t able to tell you anymore—you left. No closure. The end. Goodbye to my first love, my sweet romance.

Maybe I will find you in the next person I talk to. Your lines and phrases make their way into the next persons vocabulary, sadly you’re in my mind. Maybe I find you in the way they lay next to me as we drift to sleep together—there will be no time you and I do that again. That’s what I miss the most.

I thought you were my person, my unequivocally perfect person, but my perfect person wouldn’t leave just like that, now would they.

Fate.
It was fate you left; this is and will be my only consolation
It was fate that you left.
Ila Oct 2020
So, I fell in love. I know, I know. I said being love as a teenager was stupid, and how promising yourself to someone this early was stupid. But I did it. Past me would have been laughing so hard. I said I saw him in my future, we’d create a life together that was amazing.

I loved him for everything he did not love about himself. I will brag and say that I treated him best (compared to his exes so far). I would have accepted any changes that happened to him while we grew together.

But before any of those things could happen, he just left. ****. In a snap he left me with a burning memory in my mind that I did not want to forget, and yet I knew I should. He left me wanting him every night, and yet I could not contact him. He left me, knowing how much I loved him and how much he loved me. Did I even mean anything?

Once something is over it’s hard to really believe it is. You just want it to go back to normal. You have no knowledge on the reason you ****** up.

I’m not mad at him though. I love him too much to be mad at him. I wished him all the best, hoping he would receive all the love that he deserves. I know I treated him the best, but I am sure that someone else will come along and treat him better.

Loving him was exquisite. Everything and nothing existed all at once.

It’s hard to forget such good memories. But I never said I would. I will remember the good, there’s nothing wrong with that, is there?

I am slowly forgetting that he used to consume my days, and all I would do was talk to him. I am slowly forgetting his voice at night, saying I love you as I drift off into sleep. I am slowly forgetting the laughs we shared together and how I couldn’t see anyone else in the future.

I am slowly forgetting him, and I am sad that I am.
I don’t feel anything, is this finally moving on
  Oct 2020 Ila
dove
i started smoking
because it is the
closest thing i
have to you.
how you used
to always carry
cigarettes with you.
the smell of smoke
followed you
(traced you, held you,
touched you, loved you,
loved you, loved)
wherever you went.
i grew to like it
even though
i consciously knew
that it was wilting
away at you.
the consistency
pleased me
(i was never
one to like change)
and when you left
you took the
smoke with you
and it was the
first time
i was truly burnt.
i told myself
that i would do
anything
to have that smell back
to be reminded
of all the good
memories
instead of the bad ones.
so i started to smoke
and now i can’t stop.

once again
you have plagued me.
  Aug 2020 Ila
Midnight
Your naked body
Pressed on mine
We kissed

I thought that
I should feel
Something

Thrill, euphoria
Lust, love
Or bliss

But no
I felt
Nothing
And I'm very sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me.  You are everything I have ever wanted, but for some reason touching you leaves me blank.  I feel nothing.  And I am sorry.
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