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Ila Oct 15
I hate having regrets-as anyone does, so I do my best to make sure I don’t have any. I can count the number of regrets I have on one hand. I’ve conditioned myself not to regret the things I have done and will do.

My biggest regret at the moment was that I told you it would be hard to love you.

I said it after things were revealed, but I had no idea the effect it would leave. I told you I used the wrong words-I really did use the wrong ones.

I claim to be good with words and yet I let those few escape my mouth.

It was so easy to love you. There are so many things to love about you. I loved you and all the parts you hated about yourself. I would’ve kissed the scars left from the past if I could. I immediately tried to take it back, I have no idea if it worked.

I was scared and confused but saying “I love you” 4 hours after suddenly made everything better. Everything was so clear at that moment.

Tears cloud my vision. I’m so sorry.
I love you; I’m sorry; things I can never tell you again.
Ila Oct 15
Tonight I am writing my feelings instead of expressing them into words. I have no goal or purpose with this, I am writing what flows out of my mind. I am numb. The world moves around me and I lay here, stagnant. So many questions without any answers. Is there a god I can call to.

I place my trust in the universe, an entity on its own. Fate lies within its clutches—she is the only one to dictate what goes. It was fated you left, maybe you’ll come back, maybe someone else will show up. Everything that you did to me was fated from the start. The fist “I love you” to the last goodbye. I had so many things to tell you in the time you were gone, and suddenly I wasn’t able to tell you anymore—you left. No closure. The end. Goodbye to my first love, my sweet romance.

Maybe I will find you in the next person I talk to. Your lines and phrases make their way into the next persons vocabulary, sadly you’re in my mind. Maybe I find you in the way they lay next to me as we drift to sleep together—there will be no time you and I do that again. That’s what I miss the most.

I thought you were my person, my unequivocally perfect person, but my perfect person wouldn’t leave just like that, now would they.

Fate.
It was fate you left; this is and will be my only consolation
It was fate that you left.
Ila Oct 15
So, I fell in love. I know, I know. I said being love as a teenager was stupid, and how promising yourself to someone this early was stupid. But I did it. Past me would have been laughing so hard. I said I saw him in my future, we’d create a life together that was amazing.

I loved him for everything he did not love about himself. I will brag and say that I treated him best (compared to his exes so far). I would have accepted any changes that happened to him while we grew together.

But before any of those things could happen, he just left. ****. In a snap he left me with a burning memory in my mind that I did not want to forget, and yet I knew I should. He left me wanting him every night, and yet I could not contact him. He left me, knowing how much I loved him and how much he loved me. Did I even mean anything?

Once something is over it’s hard to really believe it is. You just want it to go back to normal. You have no knowledge on the reason you ****** up.

I’m not mad at him though. I love him too much to be mad at him. I wished him all the best, hoping he would receive all the love that he deserves. I know I treated him the best, but I am sure that someone else will come along and treat him better.

Loving him was exquisite. Everything and nothing existed all at once.

It’s hard to forget such good memories. But I never said I would. I will remember the good, there’s nothing wrong with that, is there?

I am slowly forgetting that he used to consume my days, and all I would do was talk to him. I am slowly forgetting his voice at night, saying I love you as I drift off into sleep. I am slowly forgetting the laughs we shared together and how I couldn’t see anyone else in the future.

I am slowly forgetting him, and I am sad that I am.
I don’t feel anything, is this finally moving on
Ila Oct 15
You think that you fall in love with your highschool sweetheart. I think you're wrong. I do not think that is love. Maybe you like them oh so very much, but it is not love.

Love is giving yourself to another person and being vulnerable. Vulnerable enough that you're giving your heart to them. Some adults cannot even do this, let alone a teenager.

You don’t even know yourself at this age, not even at 20, maybe not even until you’re 50, but suddenly you’re deciding you want to marry this person and be with them for life?

Maybe I’m bringing up a controversial topic. Maybe it’s a past experience I refuse to forget. It’s silly how people think those three words can solve any fight. If you really loved me, why are we doing this.

I can’t give you my love, I don’t even actually know what it is. How do I know what I’m feeling is love? “You just know”, I call bs. Tell me how, I want to know. I need to know.
I won’t say I love you for I’m not sure if I really do
  Oct 15 Ila
dove
i started smoking
because it is the
closest thing i
have to you.
how you used
to always carry
cigarettes with you.
the smell of smoke
followed you
(traced you, held you,
touched you, loved you,
loved you, loved)
wherever you went.
i grew to like it
even though
i consciously knew
that it was wilting
away at you.
the consistency
pleased me
(i was never
one to like change)
and when you left
you took the
smoke with you
and it was the
first time
i was truly burnt.
i told myself
that i would do
anything
to have that smell back
to be reminded
of all the good
memories
instead of the bad ones.
so i started to smoke
and now i can’t stop.

once again
you have plagued me.
  Aug 7 Ila
Midnight
Your naked body
Pressed on mine
We kissed

I thought that
I should feel
Something

Thrill, euphoria
Lust, love
Or bliss

But no
I felt
Nothing
And I'm very sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me.  You are everything I have ever wanted, but for some reason touching you leaves me blank.  I feel nothing.  And I am sorry.
Ila Aug 7
I hate that I love you because it hurts. It straight out hurts. Every time I see you, my heart wrenches in pain. It rips me from inside, tears me apart. I know that it hurts, and yet, I do nothing.

I hate that I love you because I forget. I forget what’s happening around me. I forget that time will not stop just for me. I forget that it isn’t just you and me. I know I forget, and yet, I do nothing.

I hate that I love you because I’d do anything for you. I tend to not notice it, but it’s apparent. These are the things I unconsciously do for you. I walk on the side with the cars, I get you everything you need to feel comfortable. Sometimes, I take care of you more than myself. Sometimes, I value your happiness more than I value mine. I know that this is bad, and yet, I do nothing.

I hate that I love you because I keep trying. I know you’ll never love me the way I love you. I could easily love you with my whole being. I could love you until it consumes me. I’d love you until the stars burn out, and the sky falls down. I know that I should stop trying, for you’ll never love me back, and yet, I do nothing.

Lastly, I hate that I love you because loving you makes me happy even though it shouldn’t. I’m hurting myself in the process. I keep telling myself that there is a possibility that things will work between us. That you will love me more than just a friend. Loving you leaves a bittersweet aftertaste in my mouth. Like the best memories you’ve ever had, until you remember the person in them is gone. Being in the moment, but then remembering that that moment will not last forever, for it will be a memory soon enough. Sharing your favorite lemon candy, the one with the surprise center, leaves me a good memory of you that I’d rather forget. I shouldn’t be happy- I shouldn’t be content with a love like this, and yet, I will still love you.
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