I'm afraid.. I'm afraid to turn and see my self in the mirror.
To see the man I promised myself that I would never be.
To look him in the eyes and see the pain hidden behind.
Drowning in the river of regret and having nothing left.
Covered in addiction and hate.
“This is my last time”, but that last time never came.
Lies behind the smile he shows.
To put on a show, yet another day.
Suffocating slowly, the walls are caving in.
The sunlight has vanished and he's left alone In the dark.
Time seems to move slower, yesterday.. today.. I've lost track anyway.
And filled with so much pain and suffering.
Not being able to breathe.. death doesn't seem that bad of a thing.

it's awful feeling like this.  i didn't mean to push you away the way i did.  i'm regretting it now, because i didn't realize how much you really cared about me.  you'd say you missed me, and i'd tell you not to.  you'd say you were worried, and i'd tell you to stop worrying, because there was nothing to worry about, when in reality, there was everything to worry about.  that's just the problem with me, i sugarcoat everything and make it seem as though i'm perfectly fine, when i'm actually as broken as the vase i dropped on the floor earlier today, hoping some of the shards of glass would fly into my body and somehow magically contaminate my bloodstream with whatever impurities were on the surface and end my life.  that's all i ever think about, and you knew that, and chose to act on it, even when i told you not to.  i'm happy you did that, however i took advantage of your kindness because i thought you'd always be there.  now that you aren't there, i don't have anywhere to turn.  i wish i could apologize to you but i know i can't because you've moved on and you aren't one to take any steps back.  being left with no one who cares like you did really makes you think back to what you once had.  
the rush of regret that's come over me is as strong as a tidal wave.
i'm deathly afraid of the ocean.