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Trixia Jul 29
you were the most beautiful devil
that hell has sent me
darling you were the best
you were the ******* pain
that i’ll always want
that i’d rather be miserable
than lose you all over again
but now you are gone
and i’m just an angel lost in earth
don’t know where to find your smile
don’t know where to find your voice
your scent, your figure, your laughs
i don’t know where it is anymore
when i walk to the old places i feel cold
when i come back to our conversations
i feel warmth, i feel love
and all sorts of butterfly in my stomach
and if heart is a puzzle, i’d be incomplete
i’d be just a standing piece waiting for you
to complete the voids that you’ve patched up
from the sweet words
to the affectionate gestures
i’ll be honest missing you
is killing me, and letting you go made me die
everyday tears run down my cheeks
sunlights don’t shine anymore
rain hits me, and then
i was strucked by the lightning of sorrows
i kept coming closer to your fire
but where are you?
where the hell am i suppose to look?
should go back?
no one’s going to replace you,
the first pain of thy heart
the first of everything in fifteen,
you were not my regret
but you were my rotten daisy
forever remembered but thrown away in the ocean
but always remember that wherever you are
i always think about how happy we were
but it’s such a loss,
that our fate is parallel,
only strangers that met but never really cross.
—and i’ll wait for you to come back, as long as i can.
Trixia Apr 5
days have past but the scar of the past keeps growling of pain
tomorrow tells me another hope by thy sacrifice is made by
illusions of good days have already vanished and the worse is yet to come
the beast inside of me shelters the weakness of my fear
tell me how? how does a girl fight a demon of depression when all she has are swords to inflict self-harm
how does a girl forget anxiety when everything triggers the memories
i shall keep you away dear lover who have made me vulnerable and forced me to build walls made by blood
i do not want to be heartless but he took it away, he took it all the way leaving me with nothing
leaving me by a smile i will always despise
tell me was it good, to turn my body a volcano then rush out to make it alaska
you’ve turned me hot but left me cold
you’ve become my foundation but now you’re my destroyer
i love to hate you, but that thought is just an imagination
all i could feel is the truth that you have been the worse and i have been the ashes
Dec 2018 · 750
the red queen
Trixia Dec 2018
i create lightning
i burn through your pavements
and i reach for the crown
make me smile, make me laugh
make me angry and
i’ll tear you apart

shades of violence in my eyes
darkness it shows
my smile becomes lethal
and my words became fatal

trapped onto the lies
now it all comes by
kneel before your queen
or bleed upon your skin

i’ll be back before the dawn
and when solstice come
the world rise red

they forced me to change
now get ready for this rage
for I am a diamond, beautiful
and unbreakable
sorry not sorry words do shed sorrow, i’m glad i’m better stronger and back from the grave, people will not break me anymore, be strong and you’ll rule the world.
Dec 2018 · 499
meant to—break
Trixia Dec 2018
trapped in your delusions
sadness is it you
anger is it you
no, no—i’m anxiety says it
i’m your ego
the reality of truths
the pains of sorrows
the excruciating hell
is this how we part ways?
like the moon says goodbye to the sun
memories will be my joyful thoughts
i’m sorry i left
i’ll be back and fix everything
when i’m okay
though our eyes met
and i could’ve sworn there
was an electricity
the ocean rushing down your cheeks
the storms that clouds your mind
mi amore, tell me
you’ll be happy without me
be free like the bird you are
and maybe someday we’ll meet
and i could caress your lips again
connect the stars on your body
make you whole again
i love you forever.
we were so in love yet these thoughts were unreal.
Trixia Sep 2018
is it bad that i like you?
when you’re with someone else
it’s a sin when you smile
i fell so much more every single day
oh i hope you’ll know
it hurts like hell
when i could only look at you
from afar
seeing your eyes glisten
my feelings are truly
colored red mixed with yours
then turned purple
and i was like this from the day
can’t i have a place in your heart?
but every time we look at each other
i feel there’s a connection
i feel that you know it too
the blank face
where your eyes only show
desire
but you can’t
cause you’re trapped
in a different heart
and it’s too much to take in
so i’ll blend
in the stars and
just be shining
at least you’ll
see me
every night
looking at me
mesmerizing the shine,
i like you so much
nothing could mend
the pain
inside
me.
it’s sad that i couldn’t even touch you, so i’ll give up forever.
Aug 2018 · 2.9k
i was a little bit outshined
Trixia Aug 2018
i would love to be
skinny, pretty with a little
bit of fierceness
but why do i look
as if i wasn’t good enough

never the brainy
nor the beauty
i was always a second
choice, chance,
or even a lead in my life
i never became my own
because people
kept being too good

they kept stepping on
what i do
and they do better
i was an average asian
looking a little bit rosy tan
with a hint of korean spice
by my eyes
who was envied by others
but good-looking eyes didn’t
stand out
because makeup kept
shattering the concept
of natural beauty

we were all being fake
to the society full of hidden truths
they showcased
thin-*** bodies
abused by strict diets
and pressure
full of greed.
I hope that I was enough for someone. The adventure that I give people, I hope they’ll remember me, but I don’t stand out so it’s either I die or stay unknown in all of these camera flash.
Aug 2018 · 511
love myself
Trixia Aug 2018
the scars of tomorrow will forever
be see through on my skin
the dark circles on my eyes
where i stayed up all night crying
but i knew somehow
that after winter there’s spring
after the coldness there is the warmness of you

and when millions of arrows are
aiming on me I know
i’ll never ever back out
because i’ve been real
catching the stars above
gave me my shield
and the ocean waves
became my kingdom

you showed me a different way of life
you showed me how to love myself
because you gave me the best
of you and
that’s the only
reassurance
that i
will ever
need
Am I Fine? Yes. No. I’m still uncertain but I’m learning to love myself.
Aug 2018 · 2.8k
sticks and bones
Trixia Aug 2018
your curves are **** beautiful
your legs that show tiger marks
your thighs that were created by streaks of waves
the arms and calves build with love

they are criticized
judged by the eye of everyone
hello? is this fat?
*** that’s gross
they say
avoiding contact with
the realistic things
words do cut deeper than knives
and the thoughts were too cruel running
in my veins me being fed

so i changed
ate a little
starved myself
commitment to such
self abuse
being embarrassed of
how the curves of my body shapes me
why oh why?
who are you now
now i’ve got
bruises forming everywhere
on my body
scarring my pale tan skin
or should i describe it
as ash gray dead?

never would’ve thought that every words
that build up in my mind
became so life threatening
how they slay my emotions
and torture me
with pressure

sorry dear self for making you suffer
trying to fit in the wrong crowd
taking all these diets and pills
to make myself gorgeous
but in the end
the smile begun to fade
dark circles started to show up
and my perfect days were daunted
by the sickness of me,
anorexia.
anorexia — an eating disorder that  is characterized by low weight or strong desire to be thin resulting in food restrictions.
Aug 2018 · 221
7 stars above
Trixia Aug 2018
a little while ago
i knew you
from an old song
sang by my friends
voices magestic like the sky
and lyrics painful as hell beneath
changing my life
spilling the glass of
water
that couldn’t be undone
i fight for you,
you battle for me,
there is no winning
in a person who
doesn’t want to win

you were all a part of a sky
and i was just a mere ****
of the grounds on earth
will i ever reach you?
fly to you?
enter the magic shop?
hope for someone
when at i’m at my lowest
or even swam the purple crowds
cheering on your master piece
as you produce rhythm
of gorgeous tones

i’m lost of words
knowing that the words
the lingers on your mouth
were reality
crashed upon you
at an early life

you gave me the best of me,
now i shall give you the best of you
blooming a dream
that someday could be reality
imagining holding each other
being selflessly happy
not caring about a single
thing in this world

i do love you,
but you were so up the sky
so hard to reach
and i’m so
down
the
earth

maybe one day i could fly to you
i will always find you as my euphoria
the epiphany today
and the truth untold
to my fake love
to thy
self
so there was seven wonderful boys, that gave life to my soul, me as a mere little girl too naive to dream i’d see them someday, even though it’s impossible.
Aug 2018 · 1.9k
if the rain shouts sadness
Trixia Aug 2018
the way i smiled outside
is the opposite of how i cry inside
the pain left me hanging
i couldn’t take it anymore
the pressure they all gave me
the thoughts and misconceptions
the society fed me
kept being toxic
all my efforts
were nothing but trash
i seemed unnoticed
and silently i waited for someone
to hear how much myself peaked at
that metal mask that hides
my identity
i talked about my flaws
at the mirror
shouting how much
sorrow i’ve been through
seeing my bloodshot red eyes
kept me wondering
am i that pitiful?
i am that small thing
in the big perfectionist world
i couldn’t accept myself
so i torn it apart
and left every bits and pieces
of the real me
i kept using all these
makeups skincare pills
just to hide the past
but it wasn’t enough
the expectations were as high as the skies
and i was on earth
i put all my best
but it still wasn’t enough
the oceans in my eyes
shows how much i’ve suffered all throughout
the years of judgement in the pits of hell
i am sorry for being sad
been always sorry
will always be sorry
for being who i am.
i don’t know how to be me anymore, it’s like being lost in a different crowd where i am the loser and everyone here is yet to **** me.
Jul 2018 · 241
finding a new door
Trixia Jul 2018
my words
they were my weapon
from my deadly thoughts
but now they
just became the sour truth
they didn’t tell the tales
about how beautiful my sorrows were

i am not a great poet
i could not foresee the real world
i became a coward
not so long ago

i will finally be lost again
to find myself
to seek the sunset
and be at peace
I don’t know who I am, I was not the poet you all knew, I’m flying away and finding the real me. Goodbye for now. Adios.
Jul 2018 · 2.1k
singularity
Trixia Jul 2018
when anger turns to pure tears
it’s because we’re all drowning
shallow or deep
we’ve been there
in the feeling of always dying
everyday i kept smiling
kept doing good
but all i feel is sadness

it feels right and wrong at the same time
i couldn’t explain the feeling i was experiencing
from drought to abundance of water
when could i feel free
when could i see a peaceful sunset
or even a sunlight shining on my face

i wish we could go back
when we were young
when everything didn’t matter
when time wasn’t a waste because we have is forever
now it all changed

i kept putting on a mask
just to be up on all the expactions you put me
i kept changing myself
just to fit in
i kept running away from the truth
that could set me free
i fell in love with the lies of my reflection
were all i see is depression

i hate to say i’m weak infront of the swarm
i face everyday
cause i’m afraid i’ll never be enough
so i cry myself to sleep
wake up the next morning feeling like lost

every scar in my arm,
every pills that i took,
every pain that i’ve felt,
every sad songs that i’ve listened to,
every screams unheard
i conquered it, because i kept going
even there is no direction of where i’m heading
even if the pavements were dark
even if i see no hope
I know it’s hard, but just keep on hanging on, the devil works hard at bringing us down but we have ourselves to be our angel.
Jun 2018 · 380
2am thoughts
Trixia Jun 2018
i tried numbing the pain,
i tried writing it on a paper,
i made it my strength

but how come i always felt weak?
i wanna become happier,
but all i receive is hell

yesterday, today, tomorrow
will i ever be happy?
will i hear the birds singing?
or will i even see broad daylight

sun light on my skin?
the little maps on my face
the trace of my arts in my arm
the lovely eyes of mine

will i ever learn to see a new world
or even see how beautiful i really am
inside,
i wanna know the answers to all my questions when i can’t sleep in the middle of the night, please answer me my dear fate.
Jun 2018 · 702
describe yourself
Trixia Jun 2018
i swear i was so confused
i couldn’t write a single bit of me
“who am i?” i asked
what is the purpose of me?
i struggled writing an essay about it
i can remember memories
our times, smiles and tears
but really what was i?

writing made me realise
i was too lost to remember
who i am
who was i
i could’ve sworn
that i knew the details
of your freckles
the alignment of your moles
the shade of your skin
your thick brows

but when you went away
i didn’t realise
that i wasn’t me when i’m with you
i’m a total stranger to myself
i am the only one struggling
with my identity

more than less
winter passed by in a blink
and everytime in my nightmares
you were there
i kept waking up missing you

you created me
you made myself
how i acted
or even how i talk

but i love you even more
even if it hurts.
i swear this boy changed me, no he made me, i felt good about it, but anyways it hurts so bad to miss him but everyday i kept loving him more.
Jun 2018 · 470
birthdays
Trixia Jun 2018
why’d i stop celebrating?
or even blowing candles?
or hoping that people would say sweet words
on the day that i was born

it was too toxic for me
too much people smiling
when they only want to eat the food
in my feast
and leave without
saying a word

gifts too genuine and expensive
but do they make me happy?
no cause money
is false hope of happiness

i tried to smile
for everyone stay strong
but why did everyone changed
as my age differs a single digit

i miss the old parties were
i could only be laughing
full of joy
but now it is full of
lies, my laughs
that you hear
are very pretentious
people change, as time passes by, and i’m left alone with the memories of the past, when i was the happiest now i am the saddest , yesterday i turned 15 and i felt too lonely that i couldn’t take it, so i took a slice of the cake and ate it with the stars that can’t be seen in a rainy night.
Jun 2018 · 592
a little tale
Trixia Jun 2018
i saw a morsel of the truth in our universe
today is such a tiring day, i thought
that when i get used to seeing everything
it will be easy, no, it was harder
the longer the time passes by

i’d love to see all the vibrant colors of the rainbow
but whenever i looked up, i just saw a morose sky
i’ve met anger, sadness, and pain all at once
i hoped to see happiness on this voyage of mine
so i laid back at the green grass
watching the flowers wither
and sun go down the ends of earth
i waited from different seasons
seeing how everything changed
from snow to water dripping on
the leaves of years old trees

as the daylight went down,
our dear moon went up unraveling
the true beauty of darkness with sparkling stars
the moon shines better at dim
but it looked sad somehow
in pain as she glows from above

i kept thinking why?
no one knows, will i ever know?
probably not.

and just like the moon
we, people
art of god
has a little secret
a pain
that no one can know
even it hurts
the most
I’d love to tell you the raw self of me, but it was too much for me so I stayed quiet, and mourn about it by myself, cause no one will ever understand the pain, i don’t need you to understand me, just be with me and I’ll be fine.
May 2018 · 963
fake love
Trixia May 2018
as i looked at the mirror
i asked who are you?
nothing replied
it’s just me
too different
i can’t remember
the times where i recognize myself
i put on too much
mask for everyone
i kept listening to the same old music
i opened a door in my mind
cameras are flashing
on my eyes
i didn’t find someone
i just found myself
alone in darkness
where i could feel
everyone is watching
expecting me to create fire
when i only breathe ice
i thought if i pretended
that i was not a fool
and get up to
their expectations
i would be happy
but i didn’t i just caused
the real me to be lost
in paradise of hell
where the crowd is the judge
and you’re a contestant,
but they didn’t know
fools eventually
change the
world
life is a game, please be true, love yourself more you deserve all the love in this world, be a fool in a world full of critics.
Apr 2018 · 283
i can never fly
Trixia Apr 2018
she said ‘what if i fall?’
he said ‘darling what if you fly?’
‘no i’ll always fall for you’
i hope you’ll always be here to catch me
Apr 2018 · 555
that flower
Trixia Apr 2018
i kept a flower
for us
it reminds me
everyday as
it grows
my love for you
blooms like
that beautiful
plant
will you still remember our love?
Apr 2018 · 314
my last goodbye
Trixia Apr 2018
the sky is blue
like me and you,
you were never mine
but i lost you,
she loved
the concept
of your little world
that she created chaos
in her shattered heart
and ethereal mind,
every moment with you shined,
it so happened that
time is faster than people
and we’re moving on,
you’ll forget me and
i’ll forget you
eventually.
i have now lost you.
Mar 2018 · 401
you are everything
Trixia Mar 2018
you are
the peace after wars
the calm after storms
and everything
insanely beautiful
that shapes after
a tragedy
a beautiful tragedy.
Trixia Mar 2018
i miss our late night conversations
our little world
the promises we
were meant to do
the times we actually
felt emotions
i miss those days
but you killed me
buried me with
our past and forgotten me
and now it’s my time
to arise from the dead
to bloom as
the rose
who revived
from the mourn
of love.
i am back from the dead.
Jan 2018 · 1.8k
truth behold
Trixia Jan 2018
i do not know what is more tragic
waiting for you
in this pouring rain
or knowing that
you will never
come
is it worth the wait?
Oct 2017 · 750
I lost You.
Trixia Oct 2017
I thought I found love,
I thought permanent happiness came,
it was all rainbows
and the bright sun,
not noticing the blue skies,
the gray clouds,
the madness of this world,
I saw beauty in darkness,
I saw wars on light,
firing guns and stabbing knives,
life is like airplanes with bad engines,
even with all your efforts to be a good pilot,
it will all come crashing down,
love was like falling into a never ending cliff,
always falling,
never landing into something too great
but our dreams.
Our "almost" will always haunt me,
our memories will always be my favorite moment,
the looks we share
and feelings will never be forgotten,
for it is a wound,
that healed but scarred,
and left a marking that in this moment,
I became yours,
and you became mine.
Today was good,
but tomorrow is unexpected,
you'll never know what will happen,
sometimes what you expected,
isn't really going to happen.
When you look at me,
I can’t breathe,
the world stops,
and everything becames slow motion,
but is it right to love someone,
who doesn’t even know you,
for years I’ve been waiting for you,
all I ask is for you to be a part of
my life,
because you my love is my light,
that burns the bridges of my all mighty trust,
and now our story ends,
I have lost you,
forever.
The worst the of loving someone is the day you lose them.
Oct 2017 · 422
I fell.
Trixia Oct 2017
I fell into your black hole,
I fell into the beauty of your darkness,
I fell onto the cliff of your all mighty love,
but you didn't catch me,
no one did,
i picked myself up
all together,
with million years of standing up,
I became strong,
then you go back,
gave me signs of love,
and didn't even notice
I was holding on so tight,
I was a daydreamer,
a night thinker,
but you're a heartbreaker.
Oct 2017 · 587
Our Love
Trixia Oct 2017
i walked into your life,
and suddenly i was attached,
my love,
i had found you,
i have loved you
since i was in eighth grade.
roaring down every words,
on every nights i have cried,
it was sorrow i have met,
it was a chaotic journey
for both of us in this world,
full of unknown feelings,
denied emotions,
and dead souls,
looking from afar
i see beauty
at the end,
but how does
death conspire
and fell in love with life,
life asked,
"why does everyone hate death?"
death said,
"because you my love is a beauty in disguise,
while I was war in midst of destruction."
Our love is one sided, one is blinded by another and one is hurting from the chaos of longing.
Aug 2017 · 513
How to get over You?
Trixia Aug 2017
how to get over thee,
how do i stop from thinking of you,
how do i stop remembering our happy moments,
that i still can't get over,
of how you gave me butterflies in my stomach,
you talk like you're from another time,
and yet you're here staying on my present,
and hopefully on my future,
how do i get over my addiction of your
smiles,
laughs
beautiful eyes,
or even your scent of perfume
how do i distance myself from what keeps me alive,
and also kills me twice,
truth is i still hide my pain,
in my empty smiles,
but the eyes show how i really am,
but no one sees,
you are the one who saw me,
in my darkest and brightest times,
you accepted me,
and told me you'll never leave,
but times after times,
i see you and you smile at me,
and your smiles are different,
they weren't as shiny as before,
they were faded,
they show me sorrow.
it feels like crashing,
crashing inside a volcano,
and burning, burning...
until i feel nothing,
i feel nothing,
because
i've died a million times,
from hell woken up to earth,
i do not know what to do,
or what to expect,
i still see you in my nightmares,
i call it nightmares because even if i saw happy moments it still gives me anxiety,
it still gives me so much phobia,
that the thought of being hurt,
again,
and again,
and again,
and again,
gives me so much heartache,
but i still open my heart,
to you,
because how do i get over thee.
how do you get over to someone that picked up your shattered heart from a broken past.
Aug 2017 · 621
Fallen Angel
Trixia Aug 2017
she was beauty in sorrow,
a lightning in the sky,
a rainbow after rain,
but a devil in disguise,
she wasn't given a chance to prove,
now she rules,
she is a devil queen,
that could freeze up hell in a second,
and shut down earth,
her looks are perfect,
raven haired,
browns eyes,
pink lips,
but either do we know,
there is a dark side of hers,
that we could not see,
and even the brightest light
could not light up,
she's a princess of chaos and danger,
she loves the smell of blood
and sad faces
with angry souls,
she could see right through you,
so never ever get her mad,
'cause any second she could freeze you up,
her specialty was never fire,
it was ice that ignites her.
Aug 2017 · 601
The Moon and Sun
Trixia Aug 2017
i hope the sun
would be more like the moon
like how it stands out
on the night
when the sun is tired
of us
i want the moon
because
the moon is a loyal companion
unlike the sun
that shines so bright
with blue sky
and white clouds,
but the moon
it looks beautiful
even with
a million stars
twinkling
beside it
but without the sun
the moon
would be lifeless
and as they say
you complete me,
like the moon
with the sun.
Jul 2017 · 640
Embracing your difference
Trixia Jul 2017
i hope every door that closes on you another one opens,
another opportunity shows,
another chance,
something to hold on,
something better that won't ever close.
i hope the white walls and ceilings you see,
are as clean as your intentions,
those dirts are just imperfections,
that makes up you
you deserve everything you gave away,
you deserve a love that shines everyday, and shows rainbows after the rain.
you deserve the best.
you don't have to be like them,
you don't have to walk, talk or dress like them,
be your own person,
be the one who differs from everyone, that wants to be like any other person.
most girls, are smart and strong and beautiful,
so are you,
the only thing that makes you **** is the fact that you don't want to embrace you difference.
you are beautiful,
maybe not in the looks but what's important is in the soul.
embracing yourself, is also accepting, if you're willing to accept then you could be free by their remarks to you 'cause i say "you're better than that in every ways."
Trixia Jul 2017
you don't have to be the most beautiful girl,
to prove that you fit in,
you don't have to be conscious of your belly or your big *** arms,
you don't have to cut your hair for a reason that inlvoves him,
you don't have to have all the things in the world,
you don't need all that makeup for your acne or unperfect skin,
you don't have to shave your hairy arms and legs just because society thinks it's gross,
i think it's beautiful it shows us how much unique we are,
you don't have to hide your legs because you think it's big,
you don't have to be ashame about your stretch marks,
or your uneven skin tone,
you don't have to worry about what other thinks about you,
you are not pretty but you're are beautiful,
inside and out,
you are smart,
you are amazing,
brilliant,
wise,
gorgeous,
you are everything that you chose to be.
never let one thing ruin your life,
be the one who chose to walk on the path that he/she wants,
be the one who is incredibly different,
flaunt yourself,
it's your personalized flag that is limited edition and will never be stolen by any other creature in this world.
never let someone belittle you by just your appearance, you're more than that, you deserve so much not just empathy.

— The End —