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Chloe Aug 2018
this'll pass                                         what if i'm like this forever?
    it's all in my head                             what if this is all i am?
        don't worry about me                      please don't leave me
              i just need some time                      i'm scared of being alone
                  i'll be fine                                           i don't know what to do
                      everything's okay                              everything hurts
Chloe Jul 2018
i hope you know
that i would give
everything
to make your hurt go away.

i wish
i could take it
and make it my own
so you wouldn't have to suffer it.

you're so great
you're ******* incredible
and i hate
that you suffer this.

i love every inch of you
and i wish
with all my ****** heart
that you did too.
****, I love you.
Chloe Jun 2018
Wake up.
Hit snooze.
Wake up again.
Drag myself out of bed.
Wash my face.
Stare at my reflection.
Want to be someone else.
Cancel my plans.
Check my phone.
Go back to bed.
Watch Netflix.
Waste hours.
Feel like ****.
Miss him.
Look at the clock.
Forget to eat.
Wish I wasn't here.
Consider cutting.
Draw on myself instead.
Waste more hours.
Consider running.
Go back to bed.
Try to distract myself.
Still feel like ****.
Want to be someone else.
Miss him.
Wish I wasn't here.
Want to be someone else.
Want to be with him.
Want to feel happy.
Want.
Want.
Want.
Nothing happens.
Nothing changes.
I feel lonely.
Chloe Apr 2018
existing
sometimes feels
a little like
drifting in space.
Chloe Jun 2018
She looks like a happy girl.
A kind girl.
A got-everything-she-wants-in-the-world girl.

But maybe she's a bruised girl.
A scared girl.
A scars-hidden-under-her-sleeve girl.

Maybe she spends every day
Hiding her hurt til it goes away.
But it never does,
It only grows,
As she suffers more and more relentless blows.

Maybe she waits
For someone to say (and mean it), to say:
'Are you okay?'
Chloe Apr 2018
He's got freckles, little orange spots adorning him like stars in the sky.
He's got gorgeous eyes, grey, brown, green. I get lost in them, look in them so long that I see my reflection.
He's got smooth skin, and soft lips, and floppy hair that's always too long.
He'll poke fun at me, and I'll say 'shut up' with a grin on my face.
I'll poke fun at him, and he'll gasp and clutch his chest in mock offense, before he cracks himself up.
He's got an amazing smile, an adorable laugh.

He says he doesn't talk much, but he talks to me for hours.
He deals with a lot of hurt, but he never dismisses mine.
He seems like a badass, but is the biggest sweetheart in the world.

He loves the sea, those sparkling blue waves, and I love the sky, with its twinkling stars and glowing moon.
Like the sea and the sky, we're two very different things, but we meet at the horizon, and that line is where we are home.
Chloe Jul 2018
what am i meant to do
about that ball of sadness
that dwells in my chest?
that spreads through my body
rendering my limbs heavy,
so that i can't move?

someone tell me
how to make it better,
how to make existing
not hurt so much.
i wish i could go back to the way i was.
Chloe Jul 2018
please don't take it from me
it's mine

when it's dark
when i'm lonely
it's all i have

the pain
the blood
the marks

there is no substitute.

just let me have it
in secret

you don't have to see it
you don't have to know

what i do when i'm alone,
it is my business
it is my body.

just let me have this
just let me cave in to the urge

let me hurt myself.
Chloe Apr 2018
We are
Little galaxies,
Every one of us.
We are filled with darkness
But also stars
And beauty
And endless wonder.
So are you.
Chloe May 2019
Quiet streets
Tall buildings, dotted with a grid
Of uniform windows.
Little sets them apart
But the people within.
You watch their silhouettes,
And try to determine their stories.
Are they alone? Are they happy? Are they asleep?
There’s only so much you can draw
From a brief shadow.
But there may be meaning, there may not.
Meaning is what you make it to be.

Black pavement
Lies bordered by dim streetlights.
A telephone box
Stands vacant, serving little purpose.
Another relic of the past.
Perhaps we should hold a funeral
For what once was.
But who has the time?

Concrete fades into dirt, gravel, sand.
If only.
It climbs between your toes, up your ankles,
Luring you away
From the city lights.
The waves roll onto the shore,
And you fill your body
With the freshness, crispness of the air.
You hold it, but you know you have to exhale
And let go of the waves,
The sand,
The cool wind,
This place trapped in time.
You know you have to keep moving.

There is little time
To be still.
To watch strangers dancing in windows,
To gaze upon a distant horizon,
To catch your breath.
Keep moving,
Or you will be left behind.
Keep moving,
Or you are lost in the crowd.
Chloe Mar 2018
What makes something real?
To see, to smell, to touch it?
What if it's not something anyone can see
Or touch
But something you alone can feel, hear
Some, many
Barely hear it
Barely feel it
Some, others
Call it a voice
A nagging, clingy warble
Like a fly buzzing by my ear
Only when I swat at it
It grows louder
Deafening
Until it's all I can hear
Twisting my perception of the world
Taking what I see, hear, feel
And changing it into something worse
It makes the worst of every situation
It tells me what to think
It tells me what other people think
And sometimes, I even believe it
What if...
You can't...
You won't...
I didn't always know
That this voice lied to me
That a single failure
Wasn't the end of the world
That an unpleasant conversation
Wasn't the end of the world
That being rejected
Wasn't the end of the world
That really
There aren’t many things that would happen
That would be the end of the world
I learned
That this voice
This perturbed, apocalyptic voice
Isn't all-knowing
Or a fortune teller
Or a mind reader
No, it's just scared
Just like me
It is me
And it is real
And it's not going anywhere
But I don't want it to
I don't want to swat it away
I want to make peace with it
For it to perch in my mind
Like a sweet-tempered dove
It will still chirp, and chatter, and trill
But it's a part of me
And if I'm gentle, patient
If I treat it with kindness
Maybe it'll do the same
I'm a very beginner poet, but yeah this is my first poem on this website I look forward to sharing more
Chloe Mar 2019
it's strange
folding up all your t-shirts
and boxing up all the gifts you've given me
that made me smile once
but now they hurt to look at

i'll see you tomorrow
and the day after that
i'm stuck with you, like that
that awkward mix of pain and pathetic relief
that i see you every day

i feel so many things
i miss you
and i'd give anything to kiss you, hold you again
but i'm angry at you
because you treat me like ****
and i'm worried
because you're not coping

i need to trust you to deal with this yourself
because i can't keep hurting myself to try and fix you
but i can't stop thinking
     what if you hurt yourself?
          what if you fall into your old habits?
               what if you decide you can't take it anymore, and you...

i hate that you make me feel like this
you're so obsessed with your own pain
your own problems
that you don't think of me
worried sick about you
heartbroken without you

but that doesn't matter to you.

it's time for me to step back
and let you go chase a nicotine addiction
a pattern of self-hatred and lashing out
because i can't help you anymore
it's up to you to choose to care about yourself
and i hope to god that you do

because i care about you more than anything

and that's why it hurts so much to let you go

but i need to do this for me.
Chloe Aug 2018
There's a point,
After all the crying
And hurting,
Of numbness.
It's kind of peaceful,
But it's also really
Scary.
I sit there
Pondering all the ways I could hurt myself,
Reading the labels on the bottles in the bathroom,
Wondering if any of it
Could **** me.
I'm not suicidal.
But for a moment there,
I ******* scared myself.
Chloe Jun 2018
most people can exist like
a rubber ball;
floating, bobbing around in the water,
unaffected, intact.

i exist like
a paper boat;
floating fraily,
until I wither and sink.
Into the blue.
Chloe Apr 2018
It gets worse
At night.
When all the lights are off,
When I'm completely
Alone.
The feeling
Can be overwhelming.
This heavy, black
Misery.
This pulsating, pointless
Anger.
I'm driven to tears
By my frustration at
And fear of
Things that are far, far
Beyond my control.
When I am in this feeling,
It is real.
It is so,
Scarily real.
But the next morning,
It's gone.
Some sadness may linger,
But that blackness
Is gone.
It's like
It was never real.
And I don't know how to fight this,
When almost all of the time,
It isn't real to me.
So I make it real.
I make sure
That this feeling
Is remembered.
I write about it,
I mark it into my skin,
Letting the faint scars remain,
So I can look at them
And remember that
The black feeling is real.
That forgetting about it
Won't make it go away.
It'll just render me blissfully ignorant
Until the feeling comes back,
And there I am again,
Exactly where I was last time,
Feeling like this is the first time I've ever
Broken down in this way.
Then I feel like a child
Without any experience,
Any means
Of dealing with this.
I mark myself
So I don't forget
That what I feel
IS REAL.
This is kind of my way of venting, thanks if you read this, I hope if anyone can relate, I made them feel a little less alone. At the risk of sounding like a total hypocrite, please don't self harm, if you feel depressed, talk to your loved ones and people who can help you.
Chloe Jul 2018
i can't stop crying

i don't even know why

but the tears fall for an hour

and then they dry

and then i'm waiting

til it happens again

til i'm flooded with this feeling

of my mindstate caving in
Chloe May 2018
Don't be
Afraid of the darkness
Because I can see you shining
And believe me,
The dark's got nothing on you.
Really.
Chloe Jul 2018
soft hands
against soft skin.
soft touches
draw sighs from within.

soft words
make everything okay.
soft smiles
make my entire day.

i miss you
even though it hasn't been that long
because it just doesn't feel right
when you're gone.
Chloe Mar 2018
Sometimes
I need to disconnect
Shut the doors
And draw the curtains
Through which the world watches me
A few minutes, hours, days
With the windows closed
Vainly
I worry that the world needs me
That it's clawing at my closed door
Calling me, needing me to open up
But really
The world moves on
It keeps spinning
It keeps moving
Without me
The air outside my door
Is still, quiet
Anxious little shadows
Figments of my imagination
Embodiments of my anxiety
They creep under my door
They tell me to return
To open the curtains, windows
Sometimes I do as they bid
I throw open the door, expecting someone
But seeing no one
Other times I tell them
That I wish to be alone
And sometimes they even listen
They'll slink back out under my door
And leave me be
Not often
But sometimes
And when they do
I am alone
Not lonely, but alone
And it is peaceful
Chloe May 2018
What would you think
If you saw my scars?
If you spotted
Those silvery markings
Along my leg?
Would you be angry,
Or hurt,
Because I kept it from you?
Would you be disturbed,
Or shocked,
At the fact that I had done it?
Would you be confused,
Wondering why?
I don’t know.
I hate to keep things from you.
Hate
Hate
Hate it.
But I feel like
I can’t tell you.
I can’t put you through the worry,
The anxiety.
Because honestly,
I’m okay.
Those markings were simply inflicted
In a moment where I wasn’t.
Once I talk about it,
It seems bigger than it is,
And I couldn’t stand to let this
Scare you away,
To let my old hurt
Become your new.
I am sorry,
My love,
But I feel trapped.
I feel
As if my lips are sown shut,
But maybe that’s for the best.
Chloe May 2018
we are made of stardust,
living on a huge rock,
floating through space
in a universe
that spans further than our comprehension.
the fact that we're alive,
that we can love,
that we can feel,
is pretty **** amazing.
Chloe Jul 2018
The sun glares down
Over lost, weary travellers,
Casting crimson
Over the rolling dunes.
Their shadows
Fall upon the sand;
An ocean of tiny little grains—
Moving,
Always moving
Under the wind,
Like travellers themselves—
Millions of them,
Moving,
Shifting,
Changing,
Constantly inconstant.
The lines atop the dunes—
The divide where light and dark
Separate,
Alter their shape
With the shifts in the sand,
Wriggling like a snake.
This view,
This world
Of rolling dunes,
Stark segregations of light and dark,
Sandy, cutting winds,
Was not made for strangers—
For these poor wanderers.
They wander,
Like tiny ants,
Upon an endless, reddened landscape,
So far from their nest—
Made up of grand structures,
Taller than they are vast,
Crafted carefully,
Brick by brick.
Unshifting,
Unchanging,
Stark and clear against the sky.
Far too compact
To allow room for wandering.
Glass and stone—
A wall against the winds.
A place
Where these strangers weren’t strangers.
It was there—
Right there.
Standing above the dunes,
Reaching out of the sand
Into a pink expanse of clouds.
But no,
These strangers
Remain strangers,
Wandering a world
Of harsh beauty
And wondrous irregularity.
This is a poem I wrote for Rattle's ekphrastic challenge. It involves writing poetry based on a selected image. I think it's really fun, and there are plenty of talented poets here who I think should give it a try.
https://www.rattle.com/ekphrastic/
Chloe Jul 2018
I want to lie
Naked by your side
Feeling your skin
Soft against mine.

Let me hear your words
Whispered in my ear
Tell me that you love me
Stay with me, here.

Call me all the sweet names
That put a smile onto my face
And press your lips against mine
Because I love the way you taste.
And I miss you.
Chloe May 2018
Sometimes I break
Like a building
To a wrecking ball.
Sudden, huge, a mess.

Sometimes I break
Like a dilapidated house,
Slowly falling apart, crumbling,
Inside to out.

And then I lay like a corpse
For hours.

Sometimes I'll feel the warm tears
Running trails down my skin.

Sometimes I'll feel the sharp sting
Of hurt I caused myself.

But mostly,
I feel lost,
And dead,
And useless.

'I'll be fine tomorrow,'
I tell myself
Every time.

And I am.
So I don't deal with today.
I don't deal with
Now.

I sleep it off.
Then I'm fine.
Then it comes back.
Then I sleep it off.
Then I'm fine.
Then it comes back
Then-

I will be fine
Tomorrow.
Chloe Apr 2018
It's hard to speak my mind
When I don't know what I'll find-
Will people be kind?
Will they leave me behind?
Will they think that the worst parts of me
Are by what I'm defined?

I try to picture the exchange,
I try to picture what would change.

What do I say?
"Hey, I'm depressed."
What would they say?
"I'm sure you're just stressed."

What if I told them:
"I hurt myself the other day."
And then they told me:
"Accidents happen, it's okay."
And then I'd admit:
"No, I meant to do it."
And then, just like that,
****, I blew it.

They wouldn't know what to say,
I'd drive them away,
Or maybe I'd just hold them at bay.

I'm never quite sure who to tell
That sometimes I don't feel so swell.
That at night I feel alone,
That my heart feels heavy as a stone.
That my eyes overflow,
And I feel so, so,
******* low.

I mean, I'll get there at some point,
I'll find someone to softly anoint
With the hidden, heavy truth,
Wearing my faint scars
As proof.
Chloe Sep 2018
.                                                                                                                     .
          Are you okay?
          Yeah, I’m all good.

My body sways, moves out of my control, thrown around as if I were a leaf in the wind. Waves of dark water crash over me, enveloping me from head to toe, stinging my skin and sending pulses of cold pain through my bones.

          What’s wrong?
          Nothing, don’t worry.

I struggle to hold myself steady, to hold my head above the water as currents threaten to drag me down, as waves crash past my head, filling my lungs with water.  

          Do you need to talk?
          Nah, I’m fine.

As if a tendril had reached up from the depths and wrapped around my ankle, I felt a hold on me, pulling me down. My head goes under, and its black, and its cold, and my lungs are frozen.
Figures swirl around me in the darkness, blacker than black, whispering and taunting.

          You’re a ****-up.
          It’s your fault.
          Why don’t you just disappear?
          You’re a waste of attention, you’re a waste of money.
          Why do they bother? There’s no helping you.

I kick and writhe, I scream soundlessly, I try to pull my way up to the surface.
But I can’t.
My body goes limp, and the words devour me, and my tears are lost in the black water around me.
That black is all I am.
I am nothing but dark thoughts.
I am nothing but anger, and sadness, and jealousy and hatred.
I’m never gonna see the sun again.
It feels like forever.
And it’s so ******* tiring.

But...

          Hey, relax.

I begin to float, the tendrils loosening their grip on me.

          It’s gonna be okay.

I kick. It hurts to, but I kick.

          Just breathe.

I break through the surface, gasping for breath.

          I love you.

And I look up, and I see the sun.
.                                                                                                                     .
his voice makes me feel safe.
Chloe Jun 2018
You have the stars in your eyes,
Oceans in your mind,
Sunshine in your smile.

Sometimes,
The sun will hide
Behind dark, heavy clouds.
The oceans will flood,
Rivers running down your face.

But,
The clouds will pass,
The sun and the stars will come out again,
You'll remember how beautiful the world is,
How beautiful you are.

You are more
Than you could ever know.

You are
The warm sun,
The shimmering stars,
The vast ocean,
The wonderful world,
The endless, beautiful galaxy.
You are loved.

— The End —