Hey you think its strange. Me leaving you today. I regret not leaving you earlier. Because i wouldve never known your name. Had your heart. You said we were the same. But i could never be that mean. I say it because you were cold. Little Mrs pretty face. I'm happy your gone. You pushing me up into the ceiling. Me pulling down your crowns. That i gave you cause I believed your fame.I heard about what youve done, staying and getting on my nerves.  But now I know I can blow out your memories. My mind at ease. From ya pain. Each day that that im away from your presence . Reminds me that the roads hold grace. No longer are you younger than me. Stress making me older.

Chorus
Your games where making me crazy. Your words where all deceived. Your heat was just a fake. Just to hide your intentions. You called it fun when you killed my heart. You took my gun and sayed it was for good reasons. Still leaving me awe struck by your insane  Pages written with green words. And stained with false blood. You wouldve done anything to hurt me.

Tuesday eating cereal in the morning .  Listen to the radio playing my tunes. Used is how you played the game. Abused, is where I stayed broken inside. But today,  Looking forward to tonights horizon. Maybe it won't be so dark now that your lost. Lost your heart along time ago.  From me to my homies. We solute good news at the ceremony of better days to come.  Rapping different rhymes. Cause these are different times. Weve changed  our rhythm. Taking our rounds pumping up the crowd. We scaz the house all night.  Pop our collars and and filling our brains with things that come with packages. Of happines. This  reminds me of what you did to get rid of it.  

Chorus:
My lady was making paranoid.    What looked real was just a joke.Your games where making me crazy. Your words where all deceived. Your heat was just a fake. Just to hide your intentions. You called it fun when you killed my heart. You took my gun and sayed it was for good reasons. Still leaving me awe struck by your insane  Pages written with green words. And stained with false blood. You wouldve done anything to hurt me, and to cut deep.

Echoes in my garage. Coming from the guitars on our porch. Belonging to us and the gang. Paparazzi flashes can't touch us cause we behind a bomb shelter. Living with our friends . The drums bringing the bang. That slams the fists in the air. All the people cheer. Glad your not hear, honey. I know youde dissapproved. Of what Ive chose. Oh well its over baby. Singing of our victory by band blinging with royalty. And our wallets stuffed with money. Packed with green dough. This reminds me of you and the things you didnt let me do.


Chorus:
My lady was making paranoid.   What looked real was just a joke.Your games where making me crazy. Your words where all deceived. Your heat was just a fake. Just to hide your intentions. You called it fun when you killed my heart. You took my gun and sayed it was for good reasons. Still leaving me awe struck by your insane  Pages written with green words. And stained with false blood. You wouldve done anything to hurt me, and to cut deep. Im relieved your gone. Im glad we're done.

If i had known id be leaving
I wouldve said goodbye
I wouldve held you in my arms
And dried your teary eyes

If i had known id never see you again
I wouldve said i love you
I wouldve kissed your perfect lips
And washed the pain away

Last Night was fun
But the next day you were a stranger
Upon this relationship we made no promises but a warning wouldve been nice
             Why do you need more than one?            Why couldn't I suffice ?
Your phone is going to explode if you keep collecting numbers  Pretty boy please dont make me me feel dumber
Lets pretend were more than friends so I can make myself feel better

i never did get to show you the poetry i wrote about you,
i never did get to kiss you as many times as i wanted,
and if i knew our last kiss was going to be our last
id go back and give you 100 more.

i found poetry within the knots of your hair,
and i found comfort within the warmth of your lips,
and if i wouldve known us doing this would have caused all this chaos
i would still do it all again
because youre worth it

-you were always worth it

I Ment to say hello
Five letters
Four slightly different shapes my mouth wouldve formed
Three seconds or less to pronounce
Two syllables
One, simple word
But I thought about it for five minutes too long
As you took four steps in the opposite direction
There were three moments in which I could've called after you
two seconds where I almost did
There was one simple word that I really Ment to say

I'm in a place when I smell the roses
time stopped, as well as the people that made me victim of them appossin.
My smile frozen, edged curved in time, forever to shine like michael jackson in the lime,
light, and MY smile will thrive forever to survive with positive vibes,
seein the horizon, the seas, feeling the breeze. love in the air I breathe.
Im pleased with myself in every way, happy, no one can down me.
The only way is if they ground me.
But even then my existence in a different plain.
Will still be the same, positivity is a drug I cant explain..
Ill chill Buddha,  Smoke hookah with Ganesh, And  kamsutra with different females dieties maybe Aphrodite. who knows?
arm wrestle with aeries , battle hades, Im feeling larger then life, im enlighten to Die twice and it wouldnt matter, cause positive vibe still writes and fights and chills and works for thrills.
To live it up at night, im happy for once and I thank my saints.
Cause without them, my ship wouldve been sanjked.

i prided myself in the thought
that i was the one who played
i had you at my beck and call
and for some reason... you stayed

back then i wouldve left you
back then i tried not to care
but now i see i need you
i breathe you in like the air

and now its you who plays
it is you who has me addicted
but all that time i thought i was playing
this strange turn of events not predicted

see now i do what i must
to get your desired time
but now i feel the moments i steal
are truly a terrible crime

i need you like the air i breathe
i need you like the sun
rather than me playing you
i think that youre the one.

so love me kiss me hold me miss me
each moment youre away
and when we hold each other close
pinky promise that youll stay.

I don't think you know what its like to actually miss someone
you used to say you missed me after a day without seeing me
I didn't miss you then, but i did want to be with you

Now its been 120 days and you don't miss me at all
i miss you more than ever and it breaks my heart

you were my drug and i was addicted
i know my addiction only lasted 1 month and 19 days
but i had the craziest high with you
in those 50 days
you gave me memories to last a life time

its been 2880 hours since my last high
i have never craved something so much in my life
like your love
you have me sitting here thinking about you
17 weeks later
you haven't even done anything to make me crazy about you

if i was ever actually addicted to drugs
i would never detox
i would constantly crave it and would eventually give in
it would drive me crazy like you drive me crazy
i cant get the taste of your lips off my mind
i need you

we used to joke around
and i said you were my sustenance
you said i was too
but i wasn't kidding
you became an important part of my life

i can live without you
but i don't want to
you make me so happy
and you challenged me to think about who i really was

i do admit that i didn't like who i was with you
but i think thats why i miss you so much
because you gave me a rush and made me live
i did things with you that i never in a thousand years wouldve imagined doing
we went on wild adventures
i was always living on the edge with you
worrying about getting caught
thats why it was so exciting

i became addicted to that feeling
now i'm back to my old boring life
i miss the old days
but i need to move on

i think i will stop craving your affection soon
if not tomorrow
then the next day
ill keep telling myself this until its true

don't worry about how i am
because i know you don't care

and when you find yourself missing me in the middle of the night
call me
and i won't answer

i will no longer give in to my addictions

i was sitting at the edge of the world
pondering the ocean and how i could fall off the end
time passes, and i thought of you

wide open spaces are how i remember you now
even if memories consist of tight spaces lying naked in your basement bedroom

blue eyes come home to mine
i was told i was the runner but i only ran away to you
blue eyes come home to mine
lets spend hours in wide open spaces
you know we could love forever if once again
your blue eyes saw mine


and in these wide open spaces i love you
in these wide open spaces i begin to wonder
what it could of been like if you wouldve stayed
i can see you and me in theses wide open spaces


and of i go to college when the leaves turn shades of brown
i wonder where you are in these big wide open spaces of mine
and sometimes i think id like to be in these big wide open spaces with you

blue eyes come home to mine
i was told i was the runner but i only ran away to you
blue eyes come home to mine
lets spend hours in wide open spaces
you know we could love forever if once again your blue eyes saw mine
i just want your blue eyes home with mine
blue eyes come home to mine


newfoundland, summer 2010

september 14, 2009
10:13 pm
why is the garage door shut? i cant get in
your phone must be dead my messages wont go through

september 14, 2009
10:15 pm
i can hear the car running in the garage oh god oh god i called an ambulance butm my fingers arree shakingi you have to be okay dont

september 15, 2009
11:27 am
i opened the garage and you were sitting there with a tube running into the drivers seat and why did you ******* do this you cant you wouldnt you shouldnt this isnt real none of this is real

september 17, 2009
3:04 am
babe, i miss you
i miss you so much i cant take it

september 17, 2009
3:07 am
they havent shut down everything yet its only been three days
how has it only been three days

september 19, 2009
11:17 pm
your funeral was today (i didn’t cry)

september 29, 2009
12:23 pm
did it hurt? i need to know if i should join you but i dont want it to hurt because im scared, im too scared
im scared of the fact that ill never see you smile again
i love you. did i tell you that enough? i dont think i did

october 17, 2009
1:39 am
YOU SELFISH ******* *******, ITS BEEN A MONTH AND IM STILL HERE AND YOU STILL ARENT HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
I FOUND YOU, YOU ******* *******. SITTING IN THE CAR IN THE GARAGE WITH THE ENGINE RUNNING. DID YOU WANT ME TO SEE YOU LIKE THAT BECUASE ILL NEVER FORGET IT ,,,,,
mayvbe ive benee drinnking a litlter morre than mnusula but yoi shouldve let me comem with hoyu becaussee youre my hnhome and evertyone think sims  insanen i just miss you msoo much comee hooome to mew

october 31, 2009
7:01 pm
its halloween and im going alone this year
why do i have to go alone

november 24, 2009
2:24 am
i had a dream that you were making me dinner and you gave me a spoonful of something tomato-y and we were laughing and dancing in the kitchen and you kissed me but your lips dissolved into paper and your skin slid off into a puddle on the floors and the walls collapsed around me but i could still hear your voice telling me everything was okay
when i woke up my lips tasted like tears and i couldnt breathe

december 2, 2009
3:36 am
you cant be dead on my birthday
last year we had a picnic in the park and drank macchiatos and you told me a story about the magician you had at your birthday party when you were seven and barely tall enough to see over the table he was doing tricks on
you cant be dead on my birthday you cant

december 24, 2009
10:17 pm
christmas eve was ****** without you
i hope its better wherever you are

december 25, 2009
9:03 pm
christmas day was also ****** without you
how do i get rid of this ******* headache

january 3, 2010
4:19 am
how do i do anything when everything we did together is laced with arsenic?
******* for taking away my favorite places
******* for taking away my favorite bands
******* for taking away everything

january 10, 2010
8:56 am
your pillow doesnt smell like you anymore

january 17, 2010
5:49 pm
this is so pathetic im still sending you messages its been months
my eyes should be dry by now

january 22, 2010
7:08 am
did you know that your mom called me crying yesterday because she found your old baseball trophy in the attic and we cried over the phone together and its the closest ive felt to you in ages and ages but it slipped away through my fingers faster than quicksand

january 25, 2010
3:45 pm
i almost took a whole bottle of pills and slit my wrists last night but you were standing above me whispering to me and i couldnt do that to you even though you did it to me first

february 4, 2010
1:01 am
was this my fault? did i do this to you? i warned you that i was broken but you pieced me back together with strands of moonlight and i wish i wouldve seen how bad you were hurting before you stepped off the edge

february 6, 2010
6:36 pm
i hate you

february 7, 2010
4:49 am
i could never hate you
you know that
my head is pounding

february 27, 2010
12:32 am
happy anniversary sweetheart
*message failed to send
recipient account terminated

seeing your pretty face and your stupid grin, stopping and stuttering
i regret it
being paired up with you on a scene for theater and spending too much time laughing over your silly jokes
i regret it
feeling giddy and childish over the attention and appreciation showed for me
i regret it
feeling happy and embarrassed as you flaunted me in front of your friends
i regret it
feeling young and naive while we got more experienced
i regret it
thinking that i wouldve been with you forever
i regret it
missing you when youre right next to me
i regret it
thinking you were so much cooler than me and i was weird and it was special that you liked me
i regret it
i dont regret getting back in touch with you, starting something new
i dont regret wanting to be with you
i dont regret loving you
i dont regret thinking about changing my future so i can be with you
i dont regret setting boundaries to where i dont get hurt as much everyday
i love you and i will always want to be with you
and i dont want to regret that so dont make me

Do you remember,
All the things they would say?
Everyday it was like another rule up and changed.

Can you remember,
When we was out in the rain?
You told me when you looked up at the clouds it was like God drownding your pain..

I remember,
Going insane,
forgetting my name..

I remember...
All the things that you said,
About,
A mans only as good as his word,
Without it,
Your better off dead,
Words up-on words that seemed to fill up my head....
...
..
.
Past times...
In passed times Ive tried to speak my mind,
I pass time,
With all these rythms that I find in my mind and...

All the times I rewind :(

I remember,
The way the sun shines at the end of the day.
Replay,

Do you remember all the things they would say when I was away?
How they called out your flaws,
Now look at the pain that you've caused.....
....
...
I stood up for you,
I held you up everytime you was weak,
I was your voice when no one allowed you to speak...
.... who wouldve thought along with your thoughts, your loyalty was also bleak..

You remember,
  When **** got deep?
I remember,
  My dreams of you being the only reason I'd get sleep..
  Holy water drownding my sorrow,
   This is the leak..
  All the money in the world Id let you borrow like an Arabian sheek.

Im bored with this so Ill just stop but truth be told,
  I dont care if you like it or not.

#SELFexpression
#TheWHOLEπ

2 years ago,
I found out i was pregnant
Carrying a child  whose father i don't even know
A man who ***** me in my sleep
And left me with nothing but pain

Despite so,
I wanted to keep my child
I wanted to take care of him
But life doesn't always goes as planned

It wasn't my decision to keep him
But during the time i had him,
I was the happiest
Because i had fallen in love
With a baby i have not met
A child i swore to take care
A child that made me love myself
In order to love him

Losing him
Was heartbreaking

If i could turn back time
I wouldve taken good care of myself
So i can have you in my life right now
But at the same time
I would've wished i never met the man
Who left you and me

2years ago today
I made a foolish mistake
But i never once regretted having you in my life

I love you still
I will love you always

we wouldve waltzed then and there...
the sky and its thousand eyes
would bear witness to that spectacle of a moment:
a trade of footsteps and a synchrony of motion--

we'd wonder why
despite being lost in each other's eyes
we could render such a dynamic embrace
and paint the night a rosy red hue...

i say that perhaps then
the goddess of love
has taken the wheel.

3,650 days since the first time ive heard her name you think within that time frame i would know everything about her

but here's something i just noticed she's 5'4 but walks like she 4'5

its a walk with no purpose other than to get away from here

she has eyes that could light up the sky but they never leave the ground

all because 1 boy ruined her perception of beauty

it would explain why she shrugged off every compliment i gave

i tried my hardes to convicne her she was beautiful but she was convinced she was anything but

I am gonna give it one last try so you can see yourself through my eyes

just listen

theres a girl with fine hair the color of the suns glimmering rays just before sunset

with eyes so captivating that if you were handed a map , you would throw it away cuz theres no other place youd rather be lost

A smile that would make a ****** drop his spoon becuase he realized he's missing out on a greater high

lips that probably taste so sweet it makes sugar taste bitter

a body that curves in all the right places it makes a model seem like a manikin

but shes more than just eye candy

she has such a big heart because she does so much for everyone else and expects nothing in return

she has such a sense of humor that she'll laugh at a joke from a child or from a man with his mind in the gutter

she makes me believe God IS TRULY SELFLESS becuase i wouldve kept an angel like her in Heaven

So maybe youre right youre anything but beautiful because beautiful is such an original word to describe such a unique person like you

You're stunning

You're miraculous

You're drop dead goregeous

You're courageous

You're charismatic

You're Pulchritudinous , i didnt even know what the hell that meant until i realized it defined you

I wanna see you walk like you do after you just proved me wrong not like your 5'4 but like your 6'5

and after readign this you better call rehab because all i want is to see your smile

and you better realize that youve been looking in a mirror of lies , holding on to what you shouldve let go and that you finally realize what youre truly worth .. to me .... and everyone else around you

SUNDAY
had a go at hating you, first
found it wouldnt quite fit—well
things like this never did suit us
we're really not the right people for it
not those dark-eyed shark-teeth people
who could craft art from the wreckage
of one another: split each others atoms
open, and maybe find beauty
all the way down
i know we're far too ugly for that
and it occurs to me today
that you likely know it too
so again i'll be the fool, will i?
that's alright; i know you'll get your turn
and i know its always good to have
a little mystery left

MONDAY
i found some old pictures of you
private things, badly-lit:
spent two minutes thinking about
how you almost got there that one time
watching my collarbones twist up into my skin
as i shrugged and said "alright—
do what you like";
spent another one
wondering if youve been there since

TUESDAY
look,
i remember it all just fine
dont tell me a single thing
about how much i did
or didnt eat, and dont you dare try to tell me
how you were always a little drunker
than you let on
ive decided i dont give a ****

WEDNESDAY
i saw your latest ex
just last week—thought you should know
they walked fast like someone with nowhere to be
who does not want anyone to see the aimlessness
of their travels
it reminded me of a bird, i think
or a desperate little moth
or a locust
lost in lieu of an swarm
either way: something with wings
and i wondered for a moment
if in the end theyd believed me after all
and then i went back off on my way
just a bit faster than before

THURSDAY
sometimes i think it wouldve been easier
had you just really made me **** myself
i think you couldve come up with
something really beautiful
if you tried
so at least there is that

FRIDAY
theres a bloodstain on the tracks tonight
a little faded, a little old, not quite enough
im waiting for the last train home
turning myself inside-out
with thoughts of you
and suddenly i am hoping
that wherever you are
you are okay
(i lean my head in against the window
and sleep, all the way
and i dream of you)

SATURDAY [1AM]
i wake up shaking
and i miss my stop
and some other things
and i realise on the long walk home
that you liked my writing before you liked me
and i wonder if youd like this
i wonder if youre winning

SATURDAY [1PM]
you wouldnt touch me like this; sickly
and sweaty and small
paying respects to a watery grave
youd love me but you wouldnt touch me
i left you a message in-between waves
just to ask if you meant what you said the last time
i couldnt even quite remember what it was
something slurred that hit me running
like being passed over by a storm
and then i heaved a dozen flecks
of language up into my hands
watching some illusion of coherency
a quiet, collected existence
drip out through my fingers
and didnt care one bit
yes, im quite sure now
youre winning—no
youve won

SUNDAY**
i thought about it and decided
im starting fresh; it is 10am
and i am trying earnestly
to hate you

11.45pm
hi, guess what i'm listening to country music right now
and i cant text you because my parents took my phone and laptop:(
so ill just write this and you can read it later
i love you

11.50pm
i just ran dowstairs amd almost tripped and died
but its like all good
i had to get my chocolate milk
imma watch cat videos until im tired

12.00am
okay well i lied
i started watching horror movie trailers and now im scared
im still listening to country
im soo bored

12.20am
jeez my parents just came home because they forgot their keys for something and somehow noticed i was up and gave me sleeping pills
so i kinda wanna die but its all good
i just listened to the song H.O.L.Y and now 16 is playing
not a bad song

12.25am
i was thinking about how you always say opposites attract
and like thats not wrong because we're really different people
but like i was thinking about it
and i think i kinda get it now
we're opposite, or at least we were before we started dating but we kinda tried to like the stuff the other person likes
like i wouldve never started listening to country if it wasnt for you
and you probably wouldnt have tried listening to the music i like
and you probably wouldnt have tried to write poetry
so like i think thats why people say opposites attract, because we show eachother new stuuf and like idk

12.32am
well i just remembered i have a health test tomorrow so i should probably study but i cant do that tomorrow in the morning or later

ughhhh im still not tired
oh guess what?
i love you soooooooo much
and youre amazing and great and one of my favourite people

1.00am
okay well the pills are really kicking in now
so goodnight
i love you

he comes home...
we never know exactly when...
I used to think he was cheating on my mother

maybe he always was
the liquor stole him away from us
he felt safer there
he had more fun with the liquor
as each beer went down his throat he was  more and more at home
he loved us
but the beer captivated him
it stole his attention and drove him away

when hed come home during the daylight
i can see his body swaying
I used not appreciate the fact as much that he got home safely each day in that condition
his words would slur....
each end of a word colliding with the beginning of the other...
sometimes he'd get so lost in thought
lose track of time on what we were talking about...

my mother was always mad....
I used to get mad too and never knew why
until one day
i gave in...
I gave him my forgiveness the one he never asked for
you cant teach an old dog new tricks....

I tried to support him...
but its so hard
my mom is so hurt....
just wanting a husband to come home too...
not to be drunk...
to help around the house....
to be cohesive with thoughts....
to spend more time at the house than he does at the bar....

it breaks my heart...
I dont know who to support
I love them both
w
h
y is it so hard to be a daughter of a drunk....

i have no memory of abuse ever...
just the fogginess and him coming in so late...
and the screams of my parents
I used to wish they got a divorce... just so the fighting would stop.

sometimes he was never around...
but I have the good memories too...
he truly did love me..
its an addiction you know?
maybe if he had the power or the knowledge he wouldve chose us instead of the liquor.
he is my father and I love him none the less.
He is one of the coolest guys I know. A real respectable man.
A TRUE OG FROM THE OUTFIELDS OF HUMBOLDT PARK.

who never got the healing from the childhood trauma that he shouldve
he is just a man who got trapped in an addiction so hard to run away from....
just trying himself to get away from the screams of his wife... reminding him daily of all his issues.
he is just a man who is hurt his baby daughter chose her moms side and would bicker at him too...
he has to deal with both women.
who can he turn too?
other than the bottle who would never judge him.
he is just a man who is repeating the steps of his father.
who didnt know better.
who is simply following the path he knows.
he tries his best.
he tried fighting it.
just sometimes it gets too strong.
he is just a man who didn't know about therapy at a young age...
he is just a man that feared to show tears or vulnerability.
to be anything less than a man
he is just a man who got stuck in the ******* and troubles of this world.
he drinks to forget the memories.
he drinks to not worry about the issues of daily life.

I forgive him and I always will.
This is what it means to be a daughter of a drunk.

You looked me in my eye
So cold, so sweet you lied.
How could you do such a thing,
All those beautiful things you wrote, i thought you were a king.

But see you were so rare, I wouldve never assume otherwise,
Like definitely perhaps your nothing like these other guys.
See I don't know why you tried to bring me into your ****,
Talking bout love and loyalty, man thats *******.
Said youre not gonna hurt me you're different,
Yet you lie so fiercely with a grin.

I still can't believe it , you don't seem like the type,
But you can't put nothing pass nobody , i thought you knew what was right.

Caught feelings, actually wanted dealings
But you were too high on your **** shift lowkey,
Thinking i wouldn't have figure out, all you ****** is rookies .
But this always happens to me right?
Didn't even expected and still got hurt,
Somehow i'm always ending up  feeling like dirt.
So tired of the same old thing,
Focus on myself, get good grades, stunt cous i don't have a ring.

Noone know what loyalty is,
Everyone just wanna run game,
But i love the players , i'm just getting better with the team.
It always turn out this way,
Such a disappointment , i don't want to hear what you have to say.
So sad to see it gone,
But life goes on.


-dpk

Padre day always felt so gray
Typically too clouded for anything uplifting to say on a personal plane
Nor much of anything for me to really celebrate

Many moving pieces, some removed before "too late"
This month wouldve marked year 8 -
Of revolutions and opportunities to be great.  I would've stayed and stumbled into ways to be brave.

Instead again I sit here and isolate

Called upon a necromancer for a family to raise.  He handed me a mirror and said, "Start here today."

I am grateful to be, and honor the planting of seeds from generations prior
But the cold washes over me alone staring at the embers of a life that was a fire.

I wouldn't say that this is all a test
Life is stress when comparing with the rest
Judge self only by your personal progress
Try not to take it personally and trust the process

When this sun sets, there wont be any regrets.  Instead whispers in the wind reminding you to keep steps to the beat in your chest

Ive had my talks with suns, moons, and planets in their orbit...in many driveways, backyards, and various porches.  Kicking it with night sky, a dark cave, with stars as my torches.  These conversations elevate and ultimately nourish.  Still, I can only fantasize about how we'd all have flourished.  One daydream at a time finding the courage to surface

we were in love

i remember you pulling me closely, your hands secure around my waist
you kissed my nose and the butterflys surrounded us
they danced and swayed to the song of our laughter

like the one time when we were walking to the car and it started raining
instead of just jetting to the car you grabbed my hand and said "dance with me."

like that one time you waiting by my window until i would open it,
i still remember that song you played for me
how i just wanted to jump right then and there and let you catch me
you mustve saw it on my face because you laughed and pouted "cant catch you here baby, but we can try"

it wasnt just the feeling of love
it was the feeling of someone caring about you
to no extent
i never understood the concept of love
until i met you
once i did.
back then
once i did.
back when.
once i did
back when u were here
once i did.
now its you i fear
you turned that love into hate
in one simple state ment
the one you left on my doorstep
a goodbye wouldve been better
but i guess the thrill is what always got you huh?
once i did love..
you.

as a kid there were so many things I perceived as dangerous, like getting into cars with strangers or stepping over railroad tracks while the train was approaching
I used to think danger meant my life was being threatened or I was potentially going to be hurt physically, but as a kid I never ever Wouldve thought danger could be looking into someone's eyes and simultaneously feeling my heart beat twelve times faster than usual
Your very presence is dangerous to me
the freckles across your pale skin spell Stop And your tattoos look a lot like caution signs
the first time I met you was like one big red flag shouting at me to turn around and walk away
danger isn't just keeping the door unlocked at night or stepping on a thumb tack, danger is looking at them and knowing you're going to get hurt but refusing to walk away
danger is falsely believing so intensely that they love you, too
when they make it so blatantly obvious
that they don't

Hey! Do you remember me?
Because I remember you. The girl with the sunkissed cheeks that were as rosy as mine the first time I tried to forget.
Well I guess I should say each time, because that smile that rests in between those cheeks still hurts.
I don't like that hurt.
I try to drown the fire burning me up from the inside with more fire, hoping it wont hurt so bad anymore.
Hey, do you remember the first time you told me you loved me?
I want to say it happened.
I would like to say it happened.
I wonder if it happened.
Maybe it was something I felt but never recieved like the apology when you took a piece of me with you, without even leaving a note on the refrigerator.
And to this day, I wonder what piece that was.
I wonder if the fridge magnet with the picture of both of us that you took wouldve spelled it out.
Hey do you remember when we first met?
I can't remember anymore.
I remember a couple books and lots of blank stares, the sound of an air conditioner that barely worked.
That smile got me every time.
I remember when I first saw you and thought I knew where rainbows came from.
Or where ice cream comes from.
Where all things good come from!
Hey do you remember when I asked you what kind of music you listened to?
And you said everything.
And I said hey me too! Even though it probably wasn't really true.
Hey did you feel something when you left?
Did you feel like maybe you messed up?
Did you ever think you were okay but a couple hours later you find yourself under the covers feeling like nothing can help the spinning walls in your room that howl how they miss you?
Like that feeling where you feel like you forgot something, then convince yourself you have everything, and then a while later realize what you forgot and how stupid you are for not realizing?
Hey do you miss my rambling?
You said it made you laugh.
That you would never get tired of it.
Hey do you miss me?
I really miss you. Not often. But it comes and goes like the way everyone does, I guess.
I'm getting used to it.
I wish people would stay.
Hey do you think that this time, maybe just maybe, you could stay?

I will not ask you what youve buried
With the hands that you used to pull me out of the earth.
I shouldnt ask you what youve tried to pull from the sky
With the fingers that you used to reach me to the clouds
I wouldn’t ask you what you’ve kept silent
With the mouth that you used to convince me from the shadows
I couldn’t ask you what you’ve run away from
With the legs that ran towards me.
I wont ask you why you did
I wont ask you why you shouldve
I wont ask you why you wouldve
I wont ask you why couldve
And neither should you.

Well we used to be pretty great
So pretty, pretty, great and everything was right
The light in your hair
When you'd dance and dance
Nothing compared
To that romantic phase
I wouldve given anything and everything
To you but now I just write and sing
About you

Things were nice
Oh the air was so light
Everyone said we were right
We only had one big fight
But that was the fight
The fight on that humid night
That humid night

Then you wanted to talk about all these things
But I've never wanted silence more in my life
On our hallowed hearts is etched a pair of broken wings
Tattooed in honor of things gone down the pipe
But I still think and I still talk and I still walk
Because I realized what I thought I never would
That no beautiful thing is just a walk in the park
No declaration of love is only etched in wood
It's written in you
And it's written by you
Written for that one person

She goes to therapy everyday with the angels
Tapping her shotgun to the beat of songs that sound like her situation
Tap water solids make her special needs
Wouldve been a worry awhile ago
Nows just a pleasantry that he's as dumb as me
Now

I'm laying in bed a month after we broke up,
And I'm staring at the ceiling thinking about every time I kissed you.

And ****** I wish I would've kissed you longer.
I wish I wouldve held you tighter.

I wish I would've done a lot of things.
I'm just glad it happened in the first place.

But **** some nights just get me,
Holy **** do I miss you.

the flavor of your kisses
leave me suddenly stunned
pulling back my hair
as you pull out the gun

press it to my shouder blades
and pull the trigger back
as you say those hurting words
"this is for the love you lack"

hearing you begin to cry
while im laying on the floor
motionless am i,
as you say "it was you that i adored"

shooting me again,
all down my broken spine
you laugh maliciously,
and you hear me scream and whine

finally you numb my pain
with one more blow to the head
congragulations to you,
i am finally dead

from my abrupt body,
my soul begins to rise
and then i see you from above,
the tears pour out your eyes

i can hear you praying
quietly to yourself
i wish i wouldve though
of more then just myself

now i am in heaven
still watching over you
and everyday i see you cry
because theres nothing you can do

you cannot fix
what it already done
now im laying on heavens floor
as you drop the gun

then you cry for hours on end
cutting your wrist so thin
as an angel, i protect you
but not from your feelings within

you look up to the black sky
staring at the stars
then you say "i did love you"
and look back down at your scars

then you pick the gun back up
and hold it to your head
then you say "baby ill join you"
as you shoot yourself, dead.

**now in heaven, you lay next to me
and we reunite
a tragic end for both,
for one loveless fight..

kicked out of the house with no shoes on
walking down the highway im so far gone

wiping the tears from my face before they freeze
after all theres a thirty degree breeze

waiting for someone to slow down and stop
other than some crooked cop

sent from above an angel appeared
some guy with a very long beard

most girls wouldve ran away
but he reminded me of my uncle billy who recently passed away monday

the smell of cigarettes in his car
made the drive seem not so far

youd think they wouldve already replaced you
with knew and improved technology
but no you hang around my keychain
weighing down my purse

you make the most annoying jingles
and clutter my mind with useless worry
as i fumble around in search of you
and when i eliminated all your key friends
you pop up just at the right time

do you ever get depressed?
knowing that your the reason for insecurity
and every other anxiet you cause
why cant we just have open doors?

this isnt about love i swear it isnt
i swear im not thinking of red hearts
and pink kisses
because this is not about me,
or you,
or us.
this is about the girl i saw yesterday
she was quite pretty
you wouldve liked her
but then again you liked every girl but me
she was wearing your favorite color
dark green
and she had blonde hair
and those pretty blue eyes
you can't stop rambling about
and she had a smile that no one
deserved to see
and a laugh
that no one deserved to hear
she was miss perfect
the girl no one deserved but you
you deserve her
you deserve more
you deserve a miss perfect
a girl with pretty eyes you can write about
and pretty smiles you can take pictures of
you deserve her
and i deserve to be left alone
for quite a period of time
while i dye my hair
get colored contacts
whiten my teeth
and practice fake smiling all over again.

If i was a bald eagle id soar across the world. If there was no disease id probably get sick of it.  If i was an hour glass id wouldve stopped ticking. Stopped sinking. If i was a blind man id see thinks i can't. If i deaf i wouldn't dread what i hear. No more words of hurt would be crossed. If i was a puzzle. My last piece would be missing an expression that well never get the picture. If i had  a choice i use it twice. Just to make sure i got it right. If i had memories  of someanes else steps. I let them walk through my mind. If i didn't sleep i would unwind from being tired to wake up and face the day with a new awake. If I was never hungry. I would no longer run out of energy. And if i kept writing this i would fill a thousand pages.

Water drips alone in this world I slowly take a sip. Undying love for those that have passed, why such a sweet girl could be taken so cruel. There are no morals, gods, anything to overrule. The only thing that made any sense is at the bottom of the rivine, innocence. Where will the soul go from there? Why did you have to go. We all miss you sarebear. Please know we won't forget. you were the sweetest and kindest and we all regret that night we lost you is burned in our brains. When we feel sad its cause we thought of your name. Can't help but put the blame. But who wouldve known that move in this ****** up game