As the hazy summer days flew by
My heart still sang a lover's song
Longing to retrieve pieces of a broken heart
Perhaps forge anew withing another's arms
But there simply is not enough time, the summer was dying.
Much like the blazing fire within my soul

Deep pensive thoughts,
Concocted by this newly acquired sense of maturity,
Took hold of my mind
As the winter's grasp took my heart.
All the while the scent of old textbooks, chlorine, and dead flowers
Fueled my life.

My legs were tired after constantly running.
One boy to another
And the embers begin to die.
No longer does my heart desire the affection of another
Why run to the beach?
Why try again?
It all ends in pain.
The long hours of talking on the phone
Sharing secrets
Learning all there is to know about another
Loving.
Loving all there is to love and getting your soul torn?
No, I quit this cruel game.

Months pass and I am still hiding in the deep corners of my mind
Trusting another with my emotions?
What insanity
I can trust myself, and myself alone
The snow starts to fall and the cold reaches my core.
I am alone.

My fault? Perhaps
I just gave up on the game of 'love'
But all it really takes is little spark
To make a fire once more.

The new year is rung in with a bonfire under the stars
Notes, cards, flowers...everything
All up in flames.
I watch my old year ablaze before my eyes
And scratch open into a new notebook
"2013"
The blank pages stare back at me
As I ponder which words to embellish the skin with
More deep thoughts...
What do I want?

Having ignored all social aspects of my life,
I was happy.
Good grades, friends at my disposal, decent swim team times
As my thoughts continued
I ignored the feeling building up in my throat.
"Nobody loves you."

Independent, strong, beautiful, cunning, intelligent...
Sure when you brake it down I have a lot going for me.
But to take all these qualities
Have someone love your every flaw, bizarre habit, and womanly curve...
An impossible task.
And so I put my faith in the starts
Asking the universe for a miracle.
And then I waited.

Dazed.
The stars never seemed so far away
Lying with hopelessness sleeping next to my pillow
In the arms of seclusion, still I lay
After a long night we formed a *******
No strength to pray
Withing my carapace
I inquire a reason
Of why I'm so numb
Where is my lighter?
Concealing my pain
Where is my grinder?
When life is like a sudden rush of fresh air to
A raging set of flames
Savagely searching for an euphoria
But it's the impossible to maintain
Longing for an escape
Only in sweet serenity
But when 5 fingers deadly hugs your heart
& wrings out your
Innocence, happiness, and tranquility
You are forced to watch them leak
Decrepit
Reaching for a lighter to blaze the leaf
Because in the sober mind
You Are Weak
No that is me.
So I begin to pollute my temple
Taking it all into my bloodstream
With the exhale of a breath
In the mist of a cloud
I release my exhaustion
My emotion and my temper
Enhancing my inner being suddenly,
I know with facts that I am steel
Making it through another dreadful night
My wounds are temporarily healed
But
When there was no soul to console
No arms to hold
No pen to make art
No illumination from the dark
Only the flame that I flick
Which forms so beautifully &
Dances in front of my eyes
Offended that beauty could destroy so ruthlessly
A killer in disguise
Or ruthlessly be destroyed
In this life full of void
Consumed by the misery of all the screams
All the noise
When the Sun's job is done, it hides from the World
Full of hatred and pity
Another night comes
Captive in these four walls
No where to run
Now I'm forced to look at how far I've come
I could have died in insanity
Arson my soul
Plead guilty of ******
A Killer Upfront
If I had not match all those nights with all those blunts


                            Copy Right 2013
                                 ©Patty Ann

Call it grief,
call it anguish,
call it misery,
call it torment.
But tell me what it is,
at least.

What is it called?
What do you call that feeling when,
you feel like your existence doesn't,
matter to anyone,
anymore?

What do you call that feeling when,
you feel like striving for that one person,
will lead you to nothing,
but heartbreak?

What do you call that feeling when,
you feel so fragile that,
it seems like everyone you get,
attached to,
will shatter you,
after all..?

What do you call that feeling when,
you feel like you're losing,
the light of hope,
and every breath you take,
is worthless and plagued with misery?

What do you call that feeling,
that you get when you,
are smiling with joy,
but crying from withing?

Hidden away
within the forest walls
protect me my trees
and the tall Grandfather,
staring down at me.
Was this meant to be?
Some great lesson within
the confines
of the spaces between leaves.
The family of deer,
greeting me at the first Entrance.
Beauty behold,
these magnificent pillars,
who ungrudging hold up the heavens.
Was that the true treasure?
The forest was witness to the bond.
My best friend,
thank you.
Thank you Grandfather tree,
for guarding and protecting,
as the goddesses and gods,
play among the forest floor.
Thank you to the gnomes and faeries,
for taking care,
of the love sealed withing a wooden box.
Thank you Ganesh,
for being the trusty and honorable
guard at the gates,
at the ceremony of love
and adventure.

And again my heart pounced
over skin cold; that pleaded singleness,
with hypocritical beats I bowed to,
to her highness; to her petite shrill,
a debut in partial denial; unpleasant,
as i withdrew with foul felony,
thoughts raced through judging ethics,
while simplicity ****** away the soul,
into a contagious six holed drain...

And I locked myself behind blue bars,
losing the wall I built with sweated palms,
danced did I over viscous black waters,
embracing the world's false desires,
smashed them pretty birds withing their cage,
lost all sense of peace, I go hidden,
in awe of that ever pleasant voice;
I bow again; in silence I ask me
to plant me in her backyard,
water me with her sour scents,
sing me her sweet lilting lullaby,
and embrace me into our little concord!!

Where did the wisdom lay that moment?
that moment when I tasted drops of sweat...
Why would I **** that clown in me?
that played tunes from a gleeful cassette...
When will I lose my two shadows?
that followed me even while I'd regret...

(a puff o' smoke and some silence)

And again my heart, it pounced!!

They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, but in your case that's a lie.
When I look into your eyes I don't just see a soul I find our wonderland,
I see endless possibilities ,
I see endless opportunities
But most of all I find an endless amount of love.
Hidden deep withing your eyes is the secrets of the universe , the hope of a hundred suffering souls,
Withing the endless ocean of beauty you conceal a single truth , a whisper of love I do see but the single truth you conceal is hidden even from me and that is where you hide our endless wonder.

This Morning


I woke this morning to a beautiful dawn, the dew wet grass shining in the already bright sun
The Lady has blessed me once more
My tumblers run and dart, spin and frolic my private acrobats
Soft sweet calls and ankle swarms and my large cattle dog gently but with insistence herding me into the kitchen and my duties,
My Eastern altar is glowing with the suns rising
and wrapped 'round with the grasses and flowers of summer
Incense rises and the candle flickers as I ask for Her protection for these... my wandering one's today
The kettle's boiled and the day's tea is made and blessed and seven dishes filled and emptied.
The sun fully risen now and the house stirs family sounds as heavy steps wander above and radio plays softly
Round me now still piles of soft satin slick fur breathing soft and deep
noses all counted and accounted for
bellies rubbed and ears all tickled
7 foreheads softly touched and charmed
and all are safe and sound this day in our Lady's care.
I wander the garden now caressing those blooms that require some extra essence,
All that's needed is water and sun and love
through each touch comes life and will and care and thus the wheel turns and the garden thrives
Lilac, Lily and Rose and Ivy abounds and the garden thrives
I walk now from the front to the back door carefully sweeping
my chants softly sung
and the smudge bundle of sage and roses lit and smoking
salt scattered and swept and once more my small realm is safe
My Lady guard this house and all who dwell and those who would stay
I trust my most valued Companions are in your keeping
My Family My life are in your keeping.
I celebrate my life withing your Circle and my Joy within your keeping
All of this and things unspoken Joy and Light and Love
My Lady, Bless me.
Solita -2007

Trying to keep calm

Trying to go with the flow

****, is it ever harder then I thought

Trying to be bold

Trying to take things slow

Wow, why is this so hard

Trying  not to scold

Trying so hard not to blow

Are my veins about to pop?

the scars that skies paint,
on my face are stains,
that i preserve to show my soul.
i am a sucker for strong ffelings,
that often weep and get back up,
to paint colorful billboards in slums.
eyes are just nomads, they only see
the flame that is burning but the flame that's gone
is stored in aphorisms that mother's read
to their children at night, hoping
god will save them, from all above and below.
i seem to find solace, in tying up my body, using words
as knives that tear apart organs piece by piece.
it is better to die in honour, than masked radioactivity,
consuming you, like water in an ocean, like glaciers that do not want to melt and yet are subdued.
how long can someone play hide and seek, how long can u seek
shelter in the reality that often hides it's counterpart.
are you trying to smell the rose, or sacrilege the thorns?
these days will only end, in disbalance, like the ticking diving and
crashing of all the times, where forever was a noun in dystopia.
just stop listening, and start absorbing, time has lost it's crown,
humans have lost their endeavour, and
the only way to be truly sane, is flowing ever eternally like
the shape of water, succulent in all forms.
we are not one but many, scars that will draw out roads for us
to follow, roads that will lead us to meaning to we caanot comprehend with the five senses.
nobody is ready, nobody ever was.
tell me, how do we mourn such a privilege, one we
cannot touch, or feel or sense,
because what lies withing is forbidden to all of us,

I am cold,
The very incarnation,
Of emptiness,
Hail Mary
His corpse,
Consumes me,
Our Father
The rosewood,
Holding him,
Withing the herse,
Hail Mary
Who are we,
Without him

I have just finished reading your letter and am in complete rapture to your words and your being. I am compelled to write to you, and write to you, and write to you. And in these words and simple letters, re-live our passion and create it all anew for the rest of time. I felt you so deeply today...
Before the call, I sat nervous awaiting for you to spend the day with me...awaiting a still day, a sad day, a breaking of myself...but it turned out unexpected though in all of today's chaos, it unfolded as more than I could have ever asked for. As unfortunate as the situation unraveled...today I saw your strength, I saw everything I wish I be in you. I saw the other half of me stand tall, remain still, carry the fear inside her like a secret and I am left bewilderd by you. The intensity of the day, now as I sit back and remember vividly every uttered word and every action, has exhausted me but in the most grateful of ways. I feel full, full of new understandings and needless to say, full of you. I soaked in what I could of you. I've memorized every curve of your face, counted every delicate lash, fixated amongst each ring of your eye when the sunlight falls in and engages within them...and yet still, now as you lay miles away from me I wish to imprint these gifts deeper inside me, I wish for more. The smell of you surrounds me in this very moment, making it all the more intoxicating, the smell of the cleanest ocean...
Your tears liberated me, as I so desperately wished to be released from my physical body and to be swept into you, literally. Holding you close I felt everything within you, and I hope you felt the pull of me. I wanted only to stay in your arms for the rest of my days, to lie in bed again with you once more and spend it still curled in our form as the morning flooded in your window. I've remembered everything. And as I listened to you speak of your new relationship...parts of me crumbled. Many parts, parts of my own emotion but more so parts of yours. Because I know what it is you need, I know what it is to sustain you, I know what you deserve. And although she means well within her posture, and she is overflowing with passion and working to bring you nearer...she lacks something strong. To hear of your frustrations parts of me die...I envy where she stands for I cannot yet be there. But I rest assured that one day I will soon be able to be what it is I wish to be for you. Able, independent, mobile...happy. And for now, I wish only the best for you and her. Because I want to see you smiling. This has all unraveled as it should, this has all unraveled as it should. Many things must first take course... for the both of us.

You are all I have dreamed of. Everything I seek...I cannot even handle it inside myself what a more perfect fit. You will always be the one.
..


From me: To you (The last of a series)
the last week has been nothing but utter confusion for my soul. a new soul in different forms has seemed to be fulfilled with a new face of time, a new ticking of my multiple clocks. as i read your letter i felt similarities. i knew what you would write to me if you were to even write at all. i remember seeing you the first day, as i walked in from the rain and attempting to act as though we were in different places and following separate steps. i spoke to you and i wished it never to end, suprised i was even within a distance to touch you. un knowing of why you accepted the actualization of me infront of you. supportive of one another, setting advice and stories in our ears. i wished to not step beyond your doorstep. a hug and a kiss on your warm cheek nearly tore me. and a kiss from you set me back 100 flights of upwards motion. heart baffled and feet unsteady, as they had always been for you..as i had almost forgot them being. so tired had i become of this stability within my bones, till i met you. i felt the oceans pounding me weak within your gaze.
as the events of the other day unfolded as terribly as they did all i could think , was you were the only one that would hold me fast to my mind. keep me one and fill me with the strength to pull myself above it all. slide your hand within mine and give me a release. when i watched you walking towards me i saw myself, the confidence in your eyes for me that you knew you would make it all..ok, dealable, better within me and my soul. it all felt as old. it was as if it was not the last moments together, we were just..us. laughing, being "stupid", talking ****, keeping ourselves withing our own jokes..it was all just there without any drawing of the past.
the drive back was the turning point of it all. heart breaking my weak ribs as twigs under a mountain.
of her i did not expect to speak but i needed to show you my honesty in a matter i knew you had already known well. i am in many places at once. on one hand she has the capability to give me everything else i could want including such an immense love that i have never been given in such a way..but knowing i have your soul, for now anyways, seems to set everything else aside. her words come out garbled when trying to make a point and i cannot trust her to decypher my meaning in my motions, in my puzzled words, in the language of my body and the emotions i need to thrive within this world. you say you have no jealousy but it is a lie within yourself. you know what you wish to have and it is what she has for me. she has parts of this body but can never consume all that you have..just look at what you are now and imagine what you will be by the time you are my age..you will have more than anyone could ever give me in any aspect and you know this as well as i. others will bide our time, create new motions for our ink to flaunt on paper, give us the tools we need for our new forms of art and then we are forced to move to the next and destroy them unwantingly. we wish not to hurt the others around us but it is what we have been created to do..we have always known this..and i believed it would be a continuation of my life, and had come to terms with it years ago..until i looked into your eyes and found the last sentence of my novel. i will suffer the pain of a thousand burning suns, the pain of a life full of slow torture when you find the next person in your life..to know they will only know you from the outside and never be able to understand what you are..because they have not the other part of my soul to understand what you have been as a whole. they will see your eyes, though not past the glare of their own reflection. feel your skin, but not able to grow new parts of you upon them with every brush. kiss your lips, but never fear they may suddenly be sewn into you. nor change the world with you in a single moment. they will all be the "rest of the world." they will all be the pawns on the maps we use to find the way in ourselves to get back to each other.
i broke in front of you. to look at my soul. to see through her eyes the way i had always wished to . to see without you having to say..that you loved me, that you hurt. tears unleashed, falling on every velvet fashion of you. i saw more of your form than i had ever seen in those few moments that lasted. the way your hair always smelled, the edges of each freckle on your face, the curve of your smile when i made you laugh, the heat of your hands on the back of my neck and the small of my back, the dapples dancing around your pupils, how your breath felt against my fingers as you shut your eyes and kissed them, seeing me break and grabbing hold of me as to take the pain away from my core..to feel me and take on the load of emotion, and memorizing each angle of your lips as they sank into mine.
as i read in your letter that you loved me i melted. to see what i had seen in your eyes now in two forms of the best kind. to say again, it as if we are in a world of war. separated by strife and harsh people, harsh mindsets, stagnant exhistances. love letters sent over a sea of pawns in this war, some battles won, others lost, stale-mate at times, and long periods of lost connection. though when the war inside has been won, once the baracades of our cores have fought through it all, blockades dismantles, and the survivor, the warrior, the overcomer has found their way back to the homeland of eachothers souls..then the most beautiful beginnings in their lives will become an actualization. the universe will give us upon the deserving and all the pieces will mold what it had been cast years before.
we are it....
. we are the truth that the world has been seeking, and the hope that it has been wishing for. we are the dream they have every night, and the novel they is seen only in themselves when they close their eyes. we have opened our eyes, we accept and see and cannot wait to grow within and for one another. you are my gift, what i have searched for in my soul. you are my entire consuming force.
you are the one. you are the love of my life. and for now, the one that got away.

- I love you

I planted their seeds some time ago now. I'm still struggling to set them free.

I want to chew them up and spit them out from where they grow inside of me.

I can feel them now, writhing around,
like poison ivy in my veins.

The bitter taste in the back of my throat,
as they creep up towards their escape.


It's too painful to even try to release them,
So for now I guess they'll stay.

My words are hiding within me, growing darker every day.

Twisting around all that I am and all that I can be.


Taking root withing my bones and soul, a dark forest inside of me.

What is your mind?
Or are you the mind.
When you close your eyes,darkness.
So when we where born light was created.
Inside the mind everything seems more real.
I don't feel pain judgement or punishmant
Insdide my mind I can be happy.
Picture anything and travel to anyplace on earth.
My universal mind is infinite.
Inside my mind I will take the loved ones.
AS your body leaves this realm.
But your teaching stay here.
your words become the air you breath.
Your cries will make the skies rain.
Your pain will make this earth shake.
With your children.
Wisdom of the ages.
Fire withing the veins.
Heart erupting blood like volcanoes.
Mind thinking at speed of light.
Sun creating shadow.
Following you as your conscions waiting to take your soul to sleep.
Seen everday as the sameday.
Nothing changes but the thought.
The image will remain the same.
Your body will madifest into the air.
You will become the sun.
Watch over your loved ones as eagle.
Death is nothing but a dream.
As your mind is reincarsinated through your children.
Music heart rythms creating real warriors willing to move mountains with your mind.
As your whole life you had one long dream.
Age is not real as you can die anyday.
It was always the present.
The ancestors are still here.
They never left,they were burried under earth.
Same earth we walk on.
So you see,we are the suns of the suns of the great great grandfathers.
Nothing leaves but madifest.
Wind clouds rain oceans.its a cycle.
Death never ends and creates life.
Its like the earth in the center of the dark universe.
Its your mind.one as all and all as one

Panic ridden mind stricken by this manic state of own biological rediscovery. Sickening self reinvention to endure retentive attention seeking habits. No longer recognizing myself or the difference between empathy and affection. I always wanted to be better for you rather than be better for me, and I ran that tank until it was on E. 'Cause when you decided to leave, when you failed to find reasons to stay and you finally went through with it, I became nothing. Redeeming qualities deemed ineffective and vanished with you. So, little demons crawled to me in my sleep and chewed small hollow holes from that hole that would once hold my soul and tainted it, forcing me to relive this cursed role.
I can't think of a reason why you should've stay, I just wish it didn't hurt so much. It was never about you being there for me, it was about you having the decency enough to tell me why you weren't, but, I guess I lost that, now, but it's okay, because these demons never leave my side and even worse, they've become my best friends. We're even on a first name basis. Their names are Apathy, Depression, Self Loathing, and Panic, and they are absolutely everything to me. Like any truly symbiotic relationship, we all need each other to survive, and I'm doing just fine, thank you.
Duplicating split personalities muiltiply until I can't even fathom the idea of feeling alone. Fractions of me split off and bolt for the corners and I feel like I'm stuck in a constant game of 52 pick up. Each time they're reglued, they're slightly less than they were. A conscientious objection to the dedication embedded deep withing lifes finest lies, why lie and say life's worth it? 'Cause sometimes I'm certain that this life is just worthless.
But isn't that the point to it all? To find meaning in the nothing? To make symphonies out of pure static, white noise? To sort through the distorted rumors and false claims and find real happiness? To smile in the rain, and frown in the sunshine! To turn left instead of right, to pick day instead of night. To make yourself alright. To breathe when our demons constrict our throats, and to hold our breath when we're excited. To live like we're at a party but we didn't get invited. To open your eyes in the dark and close them in the light. To breathe in life. To exhale strife. To brag about all our tragedies like "Look at me, look at what I've been through to bring you this message today! I'M ALIVE! I SURVIVED! I MADE IT! I'M HERE!"

Lighthouse


Even though I'm blind
I hope that y'all can see
that you all are very hard to reach
even though we have hearts
and old-time wounds that bleed
we breathe the same smog
thinking that it ain't affecting me
but our minds are clouded
so no matter what you think
you all ain't fooling me

tap water, swallow 2 litres of sorrow everyday
work hard, pay bills, no time to work on my guilt today
Looking at my boss his expectations in the mirror every morning
looking at myself, swallow the bitter pill because I'm still not mourning
the void withing me is an excellent place
to fill with tears and fears
inhale poisonous smoke
ignore my blackening heart
I should clean out my closet
but I'm afraid of the dark

See what I mean?
I see you jump in an ocean of sorrow and guilt
drown yourself in bitter envy filled pills
I'm still standing on the side
where it's dry
hoping you're looking back when you've said goodbye
truth is
I just wanna go with my people
I just wanna go with my people
but I don't
and hope I never will

I lie withing my darkened cell
reflecting on my acts
and how wildly they differ
from those things you call the facts

I did not, would not hurt my love
nor cover her face in blood
if you'd shared with us a moment
you'd know I never could

All I know is I came home
and found her lying there
the woman I loved lay dying
and I fell to my knees in despair
Yes we'd fought early that night
but the only thing raised was my voice
Yes I went to a bar and had a few beers
and I walked there and back by choice

I don't know what happened while I was out
or why nobody saw me go
or why folks at the bar don't remember me
maybe they were all watching the show

But when I cam home and saw her there
I fell to my knees right away
picked her up and held her tight
and sorry was all I could say

I was sorry that the last we spoke
were the words of a fight and not love
Not sorry that I'd done her some harm
or like OJ at losing his glove

But it seems that you made up your mind what I meant
because it was easy and simple and neat
just another frustrated husband you said
with a wife he thought he could beat

And thats all it took to sell them you side
don't bother looking too hard for the truth
But what happens when, he does it again
and someone else ends up next to my Ruth

And yet my time is to be served
my sentance handed down
and in this place I am to rot
in despair I am to drown

Sad is when a loved one passes,
Unbearably depressing is to watch a loved one deteriorate.

When their mind twists,
The concience unraveling.

Addicted to control,
Addicted to unrealistic expectations.

A complete change from withing themselves.

It is harder to watch a loved one die on the inside and become a stranger, than it is to watch them pass.

-Kathia Mariana Landeros

I don't want to scrub your laugh off of my skin
that it's been embedded in
along with the kisses you planted on my lips
that one day might be bruised
and used to cry for your love
to return to my veins
I don't want to write poetry about our breakup
I want to write poetry about how your eyes love me
and how your hands encasing mine
are the missing puzzle piece
still making my heart skip a beat
when your thumb traces mine
I want to write about all the
demons and angels
withing ourselves and others
and how we are both
mountains and sea
and moon and sun
and how we love each other
endlessly
regardless of if my poetry
can show it or not
I don't want to scrub you out of my bones
I don't want the thought of you to feel like sandpaper
I don't want to shiver
and cringe at the thought of
your love touching me
I don't want my teeth to shatter and my skin to raise
at the thought of your lips
I don't want to cry over wanting you
I want to have you underneath my fingernails and freckles
I want to hold your soul
within my arms
and never let it go
I want to kiss your
every emotion
hopefully healing some wounds
and I'll kiss the scars too
I want to write about how
my love has been
with you since the beginning of time,
how our atoms were created near each other,
that we are from the same star
I wan't to write about how
even in another life
we would find each other
I want to write about your everything
and how I'll love you past my best ability
and sometimes it breaks me
like I'm a piece of glass
from the jar
encasing our hearts together
until maybe one day
they stop beating
I don't want the rhythm
of our heartbeats
to change or stop
but it might
and my cuts will not heal
from the broken glass I call
my heart
but we might stay intact
like the Gods or the stars planned
and if not,
just know that
I love you,
simply

a kiss ....
in the rain
by a sunset
between covers
withing a drunken haze

is fixated on my imagination . For experience i aint got none

a stare
be it coy
outrageously flirty
borderline lets sleep together

is lost in my imagination. For confidence i aint got none

Touch
soft caresses
hasty grabs
playful smacks

are attemptedly felt in my imagination . For a partner i aint got one

Conversations
at 3 ams
over a stupid fight
lame attempt at flirting

are actually

one sided
witty in my head
and don't reveal any details

for trust i aint got none

Come into my sense's
to where I am
I sit alone near a window

I watch life go by
finding myself
is there the sense's to who I am

reality is knowing the person to who I  am
loving myself being myself being the simple as I am now

the sense's around me is to know
who I am

I read on and on
Romance novels
Love stories on the television
see the believing
what love can do

be real
not to be real

key note what is love to me
I block a wall
many years

those are my sense's around me
found the love inside myself

never had it within
no one taught love to me
unwanted love
that's what it was growing up

In my soul of my own heart
love came grand
love came dear

loving myself
help me to feel the feelings
I never had

to love the one who came to me
took the hand to who I am

to express the love
is the love making by two people
not just for love
real love comes slowly
within each other

taking time to explore each  other
why rush
where not going anywhere

to make love
I full fill the love around me
I give freely to him
as he does to me

love is the modest of who we are
to each other inspirit
to the way we see things

finding my love inside myself
never knew
how to express it

being the age I am now
I've experience love
in a different way
marrying a man I thought I love

but I was in love
a man I share three beautiful children with

but never expected a man
who has no morals or any interest
expect himself and only he matters

love wasn't grand
it was a pity to him only

there was not real love
no love making
by pure incense to a man or woman
should feel

love is amazing when it takes time
pleasure of it all
is knowing
when one touch the one hearts
by
feeling
by
knowing
by
seeing the eye's of each other
no one has to speak
they know what one will say
connecting each other
is the feeling one knows

respecting the sense's of myself
I found love
in time
never expect to find the soul of my heart

my sense's took me
two separate roads
travel by time
learning experience by two men
who don't know what love is
all they know what to say

I'm sorry won't do it again
Is that a line for many men out there
when they hurt a woman
in their life time
but yet
they say they love them

by hitting destroying a mind abusing the body
expecting so much by their own wives girlfriends

what is there to do
a man will never be true or a woman will never be true

it takes the patience of love to be grand to find withing a person
themselves

come into my sense's which I did
never been happy in my life
the sense's of my travel
took me by surprise

to love a man who loves her back
it's a journey I been waiting
for so long

to love him
it feels like
opening up the door
let the fresh air in

every day
is a site to see
love the person who they are
see who they real are
show the feelings of yourself
don't hide them in the closet
where the demons come out

finding that one
is hard to do
never expect to find the man in him
he is true to who he is

my sense's came to me
I thought my life will end alone and only me

until that night
it took two sense's to connect
a relationship to be bond
full of love and endures by two people
who love the air it breath
where they open the door many times over

to see the site of two beautiful people
that came to be

I do believe my days withing these
Concrete ashram walls are
Coming to an end.

It might be a slow ending, but
It'll be a good one.
It began the day I saw the

Beautiful truth behind the ugly
Mask of everyday insignificance.
Beauty and meaning;

Soft hand in a mild one.
Water strength.
Cement frailty.

Thoughts are like air; find their
Way from A to another
A.

Looking at my friend fitting
A door, cursing at the promise of
Adjustments,

Or enjoying the way the Project Manager
Leaves us never knowing whether
He's joking or not with a face

As cold as his project's foundations.
I fall in love with Life every day.
Even when I hate it.

I've learned that I never stop learning.
I'll be a slightly different man tomorrow,
Yet still myself.

Always still myself.
There is wisdom in flexibility; the
Holding on to nothing,

Even ones definition of oneself.
I was a construction worker.
Now, I'm a

Construction worker.
I take comfort in the fact
That the only comfort I'll

Ever really need, is the
One I give
Myself.

It seems like I can't stop this unhealthy way of coping

The way that requires a blade embedded deep withing my skin

Something about the cold.
Always makes me feel alive.
Even when otherwise,
I am dead inside.

Oh somewhere in the chill,
Is a will that hits the air,
A subtle sweetness, a fair
dream resounding here.

In my mind...
Blank spaces fill the gaps,
oh the universe is infinite, and nothing,
withing my synapses.
Hiding here, the greater fears,
of many people, many cultures,
many wordless wonders,
the newborns eyes look up,
blankly, oh yes, the void,
waiting, patiently,
calmly, emotionlessly,
just destiny. Hungry.
Ever fed, ever full,
every growing, ever receding,
cycling, spasming, living, dying.
All truth, all lie. All residing in here,
The darkest corners of my mind...

And then the cool breeze comes in,
Softly, sweetly, laying on,
those silly electrical currents upon,
nothing really exists anon.

Neither here nor there,
now nor later, just ok.
Just fine.
I feel less like Legion and more like one.
And it feels good.
I feel, alive.

Open wounds that open the gates of hell
That is our story
Our forbidden chapters lie withing our bruises
Withing these silver lines

You see the smiling faces
But do you see that there's no light in our eyes?
Do you see the boiling darkness in them instead?
Or do you choose to ignore it

We lie to the world
And society brands us
Labeling us as the outcasts
Truth be told, we're more human
Because we know true pain

Words that paint a lovely scenery
It's our art
We seek to be in control
All we can control is how much blood to spill
All we know is the gleaming double edge sword

You preach at us
To Hell we'll burn
But we're already there
We write our stories in crimson words
The Blood Diaries, who will find them?
When?

You call us weak
Call us attention ******
But you think of frauds when you speak
The ones truly suffering are the ones smiling
The ones who try to heal others
The ones who smile brightest
The ones who laugh  hardest

Don't judge us
First read our Blood Diaries
See our pain
Know the secrets we hold
The burden we carry
Walk in our shoes
And then you'll see just how strong we are

From sunrise to sunset to sunrise again.

The truth on why we stay awake

May linger within the very nature of our breath

May very reflect the nature of the wave

For these night are set upon the stones

Of our light rebirths

From the very nature of unconditional love

Is where im speaking from

Light floats on so clear

On the feelings that seem to be real

And the fire its just burning there teaching us to stay aware

The memories of our time

Roam around in this endless conciouss mind

Seeking what in this life drives us all here

Sitting in this car?

No other reason for which I can explain

Than the need to seek the love within

This very root appears to be getting hooked

Between all my fellow phsycadelic spooks

Finding fulfillment

Withing the very sound of air

For we have started to rebel

I looked forward to your class,
It made me happy when I walked through the door.
But it was like walking on shredded glass,
And I always came back for more.

You pushed my limits
When it came to my own form of art
You made me look into my heart, deep withing it.
As a whole I wanted this moment to be more than a part.

Sometimes all we did was read.
Being at my best was quite a feat
For you, I tried so hard to succeed
I only had everyone in the pod to beat.

Ogling something more than the books.
Persuasion was out of the question and moot.
But how can I help it when my teacher had such good looks.
With a perfect personality to boot.

For the first time in a long
I refused to awaken from my sleep.
I stayed withing the realm of dreams.
Walking down a broken street.

The cobblestone was over turned.
The streetlamps were all dark.
All the buildings were abandoned
The greenery overran the parks.

Because I won't open my eyes,
The world began to crumble.
The imaginary people in the town.
Began to turn and run and stumble.

And every time they hit the ground.
They all turned to smoke.
Because of me they were all running.
Like a cruel, unneeded joke.

And even though I was asleep.
The tears spilled from my eyes.
I realized I was their death.
So I rose with the smoke ascending the skies.

And now I sit here wide awake.
Wishing I were not.
Next time when I'm waking up,
I'll give darkness one more shot.

Take me to an open field,
In the middle of nowhere.
Someplace far away,
where I can kick and scream,
and cry and curse your name.

Take me someplace where,
society doesn’t exist,
where no one can stare or point.
everyone needs to have a good breakdown,
every one in awhile.

take me someplace,
where I can feel safe, invisible,
alone.

take me to a fairytale
where the prince swears,
and the queen smokes ***.

Take me to a wonderland
where the Mad Hatter,
was never really crazy.
and the white rabbit is black,
then you can try to scream like me.

try to lie like me.
try to live like me.

if you could be happy,
you know we could try.

Take me away.
take me where green grass grows,
and love survives.

try and live alone.
If I can escape,
you know I would.

My mind is a maze,
but there are no shortcuts this time.

life can’t hide beauty,
but love can hide anything,
from the ugly place in your soul,
to the beauty of another.

take me where the sidewalk ends.
take me to the stars.
take me on a trip to Mars.

we could see everything,
as long as we believe,
and I will dream,
as long as it takes,
for my walls to crumble down.

this is not the end.
there’s got to be,
a place that is,
the place i want to flee.
take me to a world unheard.

so many stories to tell,
and too many to hear.
we can’t hide the truth,
but we can try.

we can’t deny the pull,
but we can control the tides.
take me to our home.

take me away to a place.
where parents agree,
and never cross the line.

take me to my destiny.
I want my world,
to be covered in life.

crawling with the essense,
and loving everything,
and let love live as I cling to death.

I want to die,
but not today.
so much unfinished.

so much to do,
and as we see,
this world appear.

I want my fantasies,
to run wild.

I hate the love,
but love the hate.
I love to love,
and you can’t change me.

there’s my home.
my one true place.
the love lives,
and all hatred dies.

there has got to be,
a place where I can,
be set free.

It has got to be withing reach,
and I have to try to reach,
out for my heart’s sake,
take me away to that place,
the heart dwells.

feelings swell,
but love prevails.
Hatred dies with my kiss.

Its not the end.

I wish we had more time.
Our seconds are rushed.
our hands are pulled.

can you take me away,
away to that special place.

Hate must meet justice.
there is a future, there is no past.
live life like your last second.

dare for different.
love what you fear,
and never forget the taste,
of the world that will never disappear,
from our minds and dreams.

Take me someplace surreal,
Where fantasies and dreams exist.

xoxo

I am wrapped in a trap.**
But no longer in the trap of sadness.
It hasn't come along to ****** me up quite yet.
I'm trapped in this trap of being close to falling in love with someone,
and being in the biggest crush in the world.
It is the first time i've become so happy that i litterally have a smile on my face for hours at a time.
I am not used to smiling.
Is it possible.
That i of all people have become truthfully happy?
I went from being sad and crying.
To being insanely happy.
Withing a matter of seconds with only one thought.
Simple thoughts of a person is making me so happy.
But me being soooooooooooooo happy is making me go crazy
Every night my mind is running around thoughts of him.
Ive become weirdly happy :P

Guess thats a plus lol.