Seventeen I Was ! Much  Stupid To Be Called Sane ! Yes like every other girl I too had a dream world where I was “Marzi Ki Mallika” the very thought of being matured haunted me & being a teenager you just can’t avoid the driving crazy adrenaline rush that you get when you fantasise stuff of being in love. My fantasies resulted in prettily adorable pieces of poems and bits of stories where A Boy fell in love with A Girl. I had dated my dreams since forever & it was amazing & what justifies this statement of mine is that they never disappoint ! talking to people knowing stories making new friends and sharing memories with old one’s that was indeed perfect to me ! I always tried to describe that perfectly adorable moment of falling in love in the best possible way I could fantasise ! Not too soon I realized that moment cannot be emphasised !

THAT MOMENT IS A CAPTURED MEMORY

Turned 23 Yay ! Loads Of Birthday Presents ! Wishes ! Hearty Felicitations ! etc etc 6 years passed since then & I remained the same still much stupid to be called sane ! Maa smiles while she still wakes me up in the morning saying Kobe Boro Hobi (when will you grow up). I giggle and hug her knowing not when !! I see the beautiful stock of my soft toys which helped me remain childish when suddenly my mirror reported about how messy my hair was ! OH GAWED maaa… my instant reaction was !

I was told love happens when matured ! I herd the same but fortunately dared not to believe ! Th0 I knowingly knew that dating a girl like me a guy will have to fall in love with my messed up stuff he needs to constantly date my love for 3a.m coffee & my craziness for maggi accompanied with coke ! My idiotic obsessions with vampire & songs of Nusrat & Kishore & perhaps tolerate the constant humming of those part of songs which I loved ! Questioned my self quiet frequently about will my love accompany me while I trek through the mighty mountains will he accompany me in my best moments of life will he even accept me the way I am !?? such questions did nothing but made me fall asleep which ended up in GOOD MORNINGS with Bournvita !

Usual mornings and unusual days thereafter ! mobile rings I ran to pick up the call it was none other than my beloved going to be husband AASHIQ

Good morning ! come lets plan out something crazy  ! Adrenaline rush  What About A Trek At Ladakh ! Readily agreeing to the proposal I said yes ! We drove together as I discovered his playlist matched mine ! with each passing moment I got the answers to much awaited stupid questions ! while I was unanswerable to his lone question why I had smiled while he drove ! We got down  amidst green surroundings   he picked up a piece of sugarcane and nervously began to chew on it as he was humming one of my favourite songs, He looked at me like I was the only **** thing that’ll ever matter to him looking constantly into my eyes he blurred out ILOVEYOU&WANTTOMARRYYOU;

I always valued crazy memories but this was the craziest one perhaps ! I started laughing unwantedly pointing at his face ! His front tooth had broken! He had been trying to be a stud only to impress me he tried to peel the sugarcane with his teeth & somehow ended up loosing the bottom part of his front incisor !

I Blushed later ! My face betrayed two expressions – Amusement & Shyness !

I Fell In Love Unknowingly Without A Parachute ! much madness was added when I couldn’t resist saying ILOVEYOU

His eyes met mine with a sparkle of mischief  AKHO AKHO ME PYAR HOGAYA

Committed !  Not Confused !

Start Of A New Journey Hands In Hands We Start Our Trek ! !

I never got to know who I would really be.

The day was pure, I went to play and lift me brown-eyed brave;
I never got to know who I would really be.

My cousin was not home, but his father was,
who offered to show curious me something;
I never got to know who I would really be.

Taking my hand, up we went into that shadowed bedroom;
I never got to know who I would really be.

There I cried and nearly died as breath and trust drained away,
and then he finished;
I never got to know who I would really be.

With all my four-year might, I barely stood,
trembling friendless for a lifetime,
waiting and wishing for the end of me that never came,
frozen by the echoes of his whistling;
I never got to know who I would really be.

My light and trust twisted numb, and I became,
in that sacrificial horror, unwantedly wise;
I never got to know who I would really be.

My nature heart and caring head left for other worlds,
replaced by unwanted imitations,
strange deliveries from the unknown;
I never got to know who I would really be.

The rest of my life unfolded in starker silence,
hidden tears, and lurking fears, later liberated
for short, surprised, and sublime times
by the fairest love of two women,
safe children, their adoring little ones,
and a few determined adventures now and then,
hinting of the lost;
I never got to know who I would really be.

But now I write it all, and from my defiant and disobedient depth
consider, when I can, what imagining did for me
and never came true,
to stand and say and show
who I have become anyway.

This is my private anthem to my beloved self,
though
I never got to know
who that boy might really be.

Old age hit me
like a fist

I was planting roses
carelessly, never anxiously
avoiding their thorns

my teeth were my own,
I could bite into a hard, green
apple easily

there was no consequence,
no fear of an explosion of
false enamel

vegetables grow into
something beautiful over time
if you treat them right.

unlike the shell of a woman
bleached, oversaturated,
badly composed, framed

by misery.

A seventeen year old girl
bending into the hands of
a childlike man

unaware of the flames
she was igniting,
her body slamming
into the kitchen floor

you will cry in the morning,
weep for the innocence
you lost, the shock of
surviving your own
******

unwantedly.

I was thirty before
I tried to disappear
back into the oblivion
of filthy London streets

thirty pills, one for
each year, a litre
of ***** and a
badly written
death note

I survived. Just long
enough to paint a
picture of adulthood

a husband, a wife
a son, a daughter
I was everything
and nothing all
at once

old age hit me
like a fist

a rattle of dust
in an urn
and a hundred of
the flowers I have
always hated

they cry, thinking I am lost,
I smile, knowing that I
was never found

After the false promises, disappointment...

I am finally starting..

This Unwantedly feeling..

No girl can be princess...

But only a warrior!

Struggling Or not

She must fight her own battles!

And perhaps never waltz
with her true Prince Charming.


11:06 pm.Tuesday, 5th , July, 2016.

it's been a while since i last wrote something.
it's been a while since i last felt anything.
NOW I AM FEELING EVERY SINGLE EMOTION I HAVE EVER KEPT BOTTLED UP INSIDE ME ALL AT THE SAME TIME & IT'S TEARING ME UP ALL I WANT TO DO IS SIT IN THE DARKEST CORNER RESEMBLING MY EMPTINESS & THE DARK DAYS & CRY MY EYES ALL OUT.
it's been a while since anyone asked me how i was feeling.
it's been a while since i last said "i'm fine," not because i actually felt fine, but because i was used to say "i'm fine" just to avoid having to explain myself even though nobody wouldn't understand.
i don't really know how much time has it been since anyone asked me how i was feeling, because they think of me as an emotionless person, BUT RIGHT NOW ALL I NEED IS SOMEONE TO ASK ME HOW AM I FEELING SO I COULD EXPLAIN MYSELF EVEN THOUGH THEY WON'T UNDERSTAND BECAUSE I DON'T NEED THEM TO UNDERSTAND I JUST WANT TO LET EVERYTHING OUT BECAUSE IT'S EATING MY SOUL WELL NOT MY SOUL BECAUSE IT WAS EATEN LONG AGO BEFORE I COULD EVEN REMEMBER I COULD FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO HOLD ME & ASK ME HOW AM I FEELING & LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY BUT NOBODY EVER DOES BECAUSE THEY THINK OF ME AS AN EMOTIONLESS PERSON THEY THINK I'M JUST LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST JUST BECAUSE THEY SEE A SMILE ON MY FACE BUT WHAT THEY DON'T SEE IS THAT MY SMILE IS SHATTERED I AM BROKEN INSIDE & I CAN'T FIX MYSELF NOBODY CAN FIX ME I CAN'T FIX WHAT I AM MADE OF I CAN'T FIX THE ONLY THING I HAVE EVER KNOWN & I DON'T NEED TO FIX IT I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY & TELL ME EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY EVEN THOUGH I KNOW NOTHING WILL EVER BE OKAY BECAUSE NOTHING EVER GOES OKAY I AM SHATTERED I AM BROKEN THIS IS WHO I AM DON'T FIX ME JUST LISTEN TO ME.
it's been a while since someone hugged me.
it's been a while since i last felt someone else's touch.
it's been a while since i last let someone hug me.
it's been a while since i last let someone touch me.
it's been a while since i last let someone get close enough to even whisper my name.
it's been a while since i last let someone BECAUSE THAT MEANS THEY GET TO HUG ME & TOUCH ME & WHISPER MY NAME & GET CLOSE & THE ONLY THING I HAVE EVER LET HUG ME OR FEEL ME OR TOUCH ME OR WHISPER MY NAME OR GET CLOSE ENOUGH IS MY DEPRESSION & EVERYTIME MY DEPRESSION COMES AROUND I FEEL UNWANTEDLY TOUCH I FEEL MY DEPRESSION HUGGING ME BACK TO MY BED KEEPING ME THERE WHISPERING MY NAME EVERYTIME MY DEPRESSION COMES AROUND I LET IT CLOSE ENOUGH I CAN FEEL THE SOUL INSIDE OF ME DYING OVER & OVER AGAIN & I CAN LISTEN TO THE VOICES IN MY HEAD WHISPERING MY NAME SINGING LULLABIES TELLING ME I'LL BE OKAY IF I STAY IN BED BUT WE ALL KNOW STAYING IN BED WILL ONLY MAKE IT WORSE BECAUSE I WILL DETERIORATE MYSELF BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT BECAUSE DEPRESSION KEEPS ME IN MY BED & IT KEEPS ME COMPANY IT MAKES ME FEEL SOMETHING IT TELLS ME EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE OKAY IT TELLS ME EVERYTHING I NEED TO HEAR EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IS NOT TRUE MY DEPPRESION IS THE ONLY THING ASKING ME HOW I FEEL WHEN IN REALITY IT'S THE ONE KILLING ME BUT I RATHER DIE SAYING HOW I FEEL THAN NOT SAYING OR FEELING ANYTHING AT ALL I AM SO FULL OF EMOTIONS RIGHT NOW & ALL I WANT TO DO IS SING LULLABIES WITH THE SOUND OF MY CRY & LET THE TEARS TOUCH MY SKIN I WANT TO FEEL OKAY FOR A WHILE BECAUSE I KNOW THE EMPTINESS WILL COME BACK TO ME BECAUSE IT ALWAYS DOES BUT I RATHER DIE WITH COMPANY THAN DIE BY MYSELF & UNHEARD.

Its 11 pm , my body quivers as your holding my hand to your room ,
the empty air in there ... enchanted with your perfume .
ive dressed the best i could , i inhale deep so that you could slip deep into my mind and kiss me all ova , (theres a tiny giggle in the throat ).
im suddenly shaken outta my thoughtful slumber to realize that youve ****** in my lips holding them in a deep wet kiss.....
though i pulled back unwantedly , ive harboured this habit of returning favours ....
So i entwine my tongue wid yours , you moving deeper and deeperas i grip your hair.
you look at my bare body wid lust as if to find a treasure,
cupping them gently youve learnt the art to mould  them as you wish.
No sooner i realize youre breathing hot and smearing me with kisses while suddenly you ****** deeper...
the empty hollow inside my heart feels like it was neva there,
Ive spread wide again aligning myself to yours as a composed and sensous smile dances on your as well as my lips ...
an assuring serenity youve bought me ... always ..as i only desire to lie beneath ur warm chest ...

Plough your heart,
I am going to rain tears,
Don’t keep it barren,
I don’t want my rains,
To grow plants of sympathy,
That’s not special,
Plants of sympathy,
Can grow on any heart,
Any land,
Like weeds grow;
Unwantedly
But,
Make it special,
Plough your land,
Your heart,
Let plants of love,
Respect, grow
Like crops;
Which grow with purpose
Now do what i say,
Or succumb,
To draughts of hatred!

growth is a scary thing, so is staying the same
time will come, and you'll have to bear a new name
you will shed your skin and unwantedly bleed through it
pain and pleasure will consume you bit by bit

your mirror will be the window of different people
all your lived lives will fill up your only soul
fragments of who you were and what you will be
will make you a broken piece or an entirely new entity

friends will become strangers, and dreams will be forgotten
home will become an unfamiliar place, and you'll be lost again
lessons will give you new eyes, and the world will seem to change
only then will you realize that life is so much more strange

you will always look for that happiness you once felt
you will find it frozen in time, and you'll beg for it to melt
the magic of childhood, now dead and far from its prime
you might find yourself wishing to go back in time

growth is a wonderful thing, so is staying the same
sometimes, you'll hate to wear your new name
but what is past but a thing only meant to be remembered
no one can run from their destiny to be altered

My admiration, Mr. Markson,
Is sincere from solitude

I did not intend (my darling,
my dear) to unwantedly intrude

Let letters live in silence
No more risk of being rude

It's a world mystic and violent
I remember. I bare. I brood.