Seriously, though
What the ****?
Why can't I suffer from something fun
Like an uncontrollable ****** disorder

Random points in situations that don't call for it
Entirely unprovoked, untriggered
Bam, I *** in my favorite blue jeans
And then it's done

Sure, it would be awkward from time to time
I'm sure an ****** at a funeral is frowned upon
But it sure as **** beats sheer, utter terror
For absolutely no apparent reason

They just aren't beautiful anymore
They used to be inspiring and insightful
They would fill me with profound ideas
And this unique way of seeing everything

But now, they're just a hindrance
Another relationship done and over
Another friendship severed because
Why save someone who's just drowning on land?

If I had a dollar for every panic attack
To ruin a friendship or scare away a girlfriend
I would have enough money
To afford to do something about them

Late nights on the bathroom floor
Blurred and blacked out memories
****** fits and bleeding wrists
They just aren't beautiful anymore.

An endless ripple of problems pretty much sums up my 2016
I started the year unsteady and not so long after it led to a tragedy
I put my life on hold ;  a story yet to be told

I found myself lost and oh dear that wasn’t the only cost
I **** right felt like I was cursed
because the aftermath was so much worse

I felt stuck on this never ending downward *****
where my only option was to cope
I went from trauma to self hate, extreme anger
to pity and depression - the cruel cause?
I couldn’t even mention.

Everyday from then on was just a matter of getting through the day
but “I’m okay” is what I would always say.

My anxiety got worse ; insomnia on a high
- sleepless, for the future I feared
while drowning in tears

I had zero motivation to do anything,
felt like such a useless being.

My family misunderstood me, perceived it as lazy
couldn’t quite see that depression was eating me

There were so much things I wanted to do,
didn’t even bother asking anymore because I knew
that the answers would be the usual:
‘No Phoebe’ or ‘It’s for your safety.’

But despite all the madness and deceit
My family and I still believe
that God is good, all the time.

for In 2016, my relationship with God grew so much deeper
To Him I have cried out so much rivers

Breaking down often became my norm
Then one day, I saw myself in cloud form

(it was a cloud shaped like a side profiled girl with her hair tied in a bun)

It was so beautiful, it made me so happy
but you know what that cloud was that I wasn’t?

Free.

That cloud was like a message, that soon I would be.

“Phoebe be patient, continue to Trust in Me.”

The night before I took that photo,
I had a pretty normal, untriggered breakdown - it wasn’t as bad as the rest.
I guess at that time I was just wallowing in self pity
But wow God was there, listening to me

and that night my hair too was in a bun,
whilst balling my eyes out until the morning sun.

Weeks later yet again things got heavy,
another problem that made me unsteady
There were wars inside my head
that didn’t let me go to bed

It was a battle between
my mind  vs  the  spirit of my soul
I had so much faith, dreams, plans and goals….

then all of a sudden, I wasn’t so hopeful.
I wanted to rise, but a part of me wanted to bid goodbye
One quick fact: I am afraid to die.
But this….this was no lie

A self inflicted death was all I had in mind,
to end the struggle and put everything to rest

and I thank God, for I held until my birth month - September
where things started getting much, much better
and I thank Him again, because even if I was a mess,
I am blessed. Blessed with family and friends
that got me through the toughest.

To my mom, who probably even felt more pain
Even if we don’t always understand each other ;
drive the other insane
I promise you sunshine after all the rain

God’s got us, He continues to provide
I know we’re gonna be alright
through every heavy fight

To my best friends, I am so sorry
for making you all worry
For that latter point when I shoved you all away
because none of you would ever understand my brain

I was so stubborn but thank you, for choosing to stay
It was stupid, to be angered at your concern
but eventually I did learn
That that was when I needed you guys the most

And for anyone now reading this post :
I just want to say that whatever battle,
problem or struggle you’re going through

Nothing will ever be greater than our God, and His love
you can cast all your worries to the One above.

The photo continues to remind me to hold on,
to keep in mind that God has a plan, He is our strength and refuge
And He gives His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers.
He won’t ever give you challenges you can’t handle.

One day for sure, after everything I still have to face,
I will then share my case ;

a tragic memory to a beautiful testimony of how God is the remedy

they search for the innocence in us
the naivety
the untriggered thought
when knowledge now comes in such small increments
as to be insignificant
life falters
you cannot create emotion, elation
sadness
when you have lived long enough
to rise above such mundane,
humane feelings
it is the curse of near perfection
I pity you
searching those empty, dark eyes
I sense how you long to be
human
again

When depression ***** you in
it’s just something I can’t explain
Its untriggered - one minute you’re fine
the next minute you question why you’re even alive

Let us account our idled word,
indeed seek science...
reason debt, duty to be,
did he say. raison d' etre?
no.
he said reason debt, I heard
reason
call out debt, or was it doubt?
I heard called out,

doubt the difference a day makes

in reality,
the world of you and me,
the strangest sort of sapient beings
to ever
exist, we survived, so far… is that
reasonable?

Whom do I owe for my survival, so far?
Say you know, I'll say
mebbe so, if your ideal surviva-babble
possible ever, after,
exists,
is there a place where evil is punished,
for being known in all the common
ways we think, lies we believe,
good for nothing pure
evil, imaginary, mirror neuron firing signals
to the glands
from the guts to each
knot of knowing relaying response
to the noise - cries of havoc,
from any war fought on TV2021, the
recommending AI we love to trust,
with knowing
just
what we needed to know, to make up a mind
on matters pertaining
to you and the others who may be unaware, inactive,
untriggered by the terror,
not entertained by walking dead, but by the spirit
of the characters, or
character of the spirits, in other words, these
attention
holding cells for arrested development, idle words,
un-read, lines
unready for the dam that broke.
-live 'n'learn-
It takes more than seventy years to learn if ai
was right, when I surrendered, of my own free will,
made friends, and lovers, of
those who hated my idea,
peace, at any price.

Love your enemy - ha! Ha! Karate HA!
What fool would give ….

GAME STOP!... wow.
reason for the faith, as previously defined,
my way,
with hubris, in the face of the sharpest minds
opposing my singularity of being being
my own, in fact, my only
own thing, my own
reason to be.
- a hermit heretic idea virus  modeled
- on the good wise *** archetype,
- the guy open to the guiding mind,
- through a refined Turrets connector, receives this
- crazy message to the hero of your story

So you could read this and run on,
for a long time, knowing agottamighty in d'vita
gotcha
best interests in mind.
- iron butterfly, rusty, but for the drum solo,
- that makes a mind dance again

What can be shaken, may be shaken,
or stirred,
swirled round and round within
gravity, at the mortal scale,

one more time.

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