The art of hating yourself
Is not easily achieved.
It takes motavation,
Words whispered across lunch rooms,
"Ugly, fat, stupid, freak"
It takes observation,
Hours staring at the pretty faces in the magazine,
Hours of trying hard to be something else
Hours feeling more lost then when you started.
It takes practice,
Feeling insecure as you walk down the hallway
Refusing food during the day,
doing crunches by night.
And of course it takes a certain type of person
For it to really take over the mind
A perfectionist
A person with a bad past or a uncertain future
A girl who blames herself
A girl who knows its her fault
If you are truly serious
about embarking on this journey,
This journey of unsatisfaction and secrecy,
Pushing people away and always, always
Craving,
Striving,
Searching,
Starving,
Needing,
That promise of perfection,
Take a class from the master
Or two
Or three
She's right here in town
The most dedicated and driven
The best of the best
She has cultivated
The Art of Hating herself
And she's the person I see in the mirror
Staring right back at me

It is eagerly that I prepare
Turning out lights and *******
Setting aside the following days necessities
And brushing my hair

My heart dances when I see
The black sheets and tossled comforter
Against the matte sky peaking through my window
I sit and sink
Into the noisy springs
And flattened pillows

And almost immediately I descend into
Another bed of another life
In my desperate mind

And it is then that I forget
I'm between the sweet haze of otherworldly dreams
And among the vibrant feelings and happy ventures
The dull muted droll of my own life

And in the blue mornings
As I wake to chronic angers and patient responsibility
Inevitably the cloak of heavy unsatisfaction and disappointment
Settle onto my shoulders

And as before I carry on with my day
Counting the seconds
And blissfully dreaming
Of the bed that waits for me at home

Little girl started feeling insecure at the age of twelve, certainly it wouldn't be the last.

At first the voices didn’t get to her, but eventually, the voices got to her enveloping her into an all too familiar embrace that she wanted to escape.

At the age of 13, it was a fresh new start, it was the start of freshmen year,  little girl was actually doing okay but she couldn't help but hear the voices at the back of her head, screaming at her, comparing her to numerous other girls she saw on instagram, on runways and on the hallways, how different in size and appearance she was compared to all of them.

At the age of 14, little girl thought everything was going to change unfortunately for her, it didn’t when insecurities came crashing down onto her like how reality crashes down unto you after reading a good book, when people did not only comment how big she was but they started being more specific about their implications.

Normally, she wouldn't have taken it seriously.
Scientifically, it was normal for her to grow on those areas because, news flash, it's part of adolescence, but for her, it was just another file to add into a file cabinet, she called life. A disorganized file cabinet, she was too exhausted to organize.

14-year-old girl started wearing 2 sports bras at once, not minding how she couldn't breathe, not minding how her lungs were gasping for relaxation and to be able to be comfortable enough to grasp oxygen, but she did not care with how the way her body was begging her to give it oxygen, her body did not deserve to breathe for being such a burden in her life.

14-year-old girl also learned how to skip meals, it was the year in which she learned how to lie about her being full because it would be embarrassing enough to say that she was hungry at 6:30 am in the morning when she basically devoured everything they had for dinner, to at least fill up the gaping hole of emptiness and unsatisfaction she feels when she looks at herself in the mirror and can't a single thing to like about herself.

14-year-old girl also learned how to act, act sick so no one would question her why she threw up all the food she devoured, when in reality she grasped onto her neck, so tightly, choking herself and made her release all the chewed up food they had for dinner, unfortunately it did not release all the insecurities and coped up feelings she kept inside of her, she punished herself because her body did not deserve that satisfaction, her body did not deserve being rewarded for being such a burden in her life.

14-year-old girl told herself to not eat.  Simple.
14-year-old girl told herself that guys wouldn't like her because of her insecurities.
14-year-old girl had to swallow every tear that was made when people made fat jokes at her. That was the only thing she was good at. Swallowing, devouring, being fat. Being such a ******* burden.

Little girl was always so immersed into her body, always investing time to punish herself because she was never what the norms were.

At the age of 15 little girl gave up on caring.

15-year-old girl realized she did not need people's validation on how she should look physically.

15-year-old girl realized that her body is a temple worthy of praise and worship, not insults and comments about how it should look.

15-year-old girl understood the concept of false advertisement.  

15-year-old girl realized that she is lovable, she is worth love and she does not need any guy to show her that, that the only love she needed was love towards herself.

"Thou whose eyes unopened and unable to see
Still finds his one love, oh how can it be?"
"No need for these eyes when you have an open heart
Unfurled sight is what keeps two loves apart"

"Thou blind one, how did it come to be?
Two in one love, please explain this to me"
"Oh dear friend, to me, my love came
Heart encased in sorrow's ice, melted by her flame"

"Thou one whose heart is as open as the sea,
  How tender the love held by you and she?"
"Our love, I hold, like her soft, gentle hand
Intwined together, as is grass to the land"

"Thou deafened one who chooses only to see,
How much quality in the love, held by the hands of thee?"
"My love comes and goes like a migrating dove
How can I change to unsatisfaction of my love?"

"Thou one with no sight can show you to be
As loyal, caring, and loving as he
So learn to use your heart over eyes
Or else each love after the next is bound to capsize."

eternally unsatisfied
picking out all the things that you are not
when you're already so much more than i deserve

My tears,
The bitter rain in which
I once loved,
They run down my face,
The face with the mask
Of joy and contentment
And yet beneath is
Utterly destroyed
By unsatisfaction
By loss in something
I believed was everlasting
By a love that was always
Incompleted because of reality

It's not a bad thing to make mistakes
But overdoing it can make aches.

Sin came from our desires
It is a force that tempts us to lit our fire.
Sin causes lives into distruction
And make people cry in unsatisfaction.

Naive people,sinning to earn self happiness.
Selfishness is the start of fights.
War, and more sin which is made by human kind.

She won't let a thing pass her by,
Without wanting to have a touch.
To save herself she has to lie.
Daily she has a new catch,
Getting from others without asking,
More like trouble seeking.
But it seems her hands are out of control,
Her conscience no longer plays its role,
She's a slave to unsatisfaction,
She wants to have it all even without need.
Diagnosed but its no disease.
Her heart can be fixed and finally be at ease.

the isolation wasn't poison, but a drug
one that I tried to drown myself into
until my brain would save myself, breathing in more air
panting rapidly,
loving how it felt to be on the edge of letting go
for just a second, to be with the nothingness surrounding me
until the world resumed
my heartbeat became evident
and the unsatisfaction of reality reappeared

©L.F.

SAME PLACE DIFFERENT SEASON
EVERYTHING I THOUGHT I LOVE TURNED TO SHADES OF GRAY
I FINALLY LOOKED TO GOD
AND ALL HE TOLD ME WAS TO SHUT THE **** UP
LEAVE ME TO WASTE CAUSE I'LL NEVER BE WHOLE
UNSATISFACTION HAS BECOME A DAILY EMOTION
NO HEART NO FAMILY
NO LOVE LOST
NO LOVE FOUND

It is eagerly that I prepare
Turning out lights and *******
Setting aside the following days necessities
And brushing my hair

My heart dances when I see
The black sheets and tossled comforter
Against the matte sky peaking through my window
I sit and sink
Into the noisy springs
And flattened pillows

And almost immediately I descend into
Another bed of another life
In my desperate mind

And it is then that I forget
I'm between the sweet haze of otherworldly dreams
And among the vibrant feelings and happy ventures
The dull muted droll of my own life

And in the blue mornings
As I wake to chronic angers and patient responsibility
Inevitably the cloak of heavy unsatisfaction and disappointment
Settle onto my shoulders

And as before I carry on with my day
Counting the seconds
And blissfully dreaming
Of the bed that waits for me at home

March 16, 2013
It's been two years since we first met. We've never been how I imagined. Tonight I heard an old song and thought of you. But I don't think I miss you anymore.

May 23, 2013
This might be chance number ten. I've let you walk in my life once more. I told myself we'd be friends, but we both know it's never been just that.

August 12, 2013
I let you in, farther than anyone had ever come. You witnessed my most vulnerable stage and comforted me after. I was crazy to think this could be more than what it had been for so long.

September 26, 2013
It's been weeks since I've seen your face or felt those lips. I start to break, and let my mind get the best of me. I walk away, the distance is daring.

October 11, 2013
I saw this look in your eyes; hopelessness and unsatisfaction. I hold you in my arms and tell you I love you. Chances are given and good comes to those who wait. Your sweet words reel me in and that soft touch, I let you have me

November 20, 2013
I've thought of your goofy smile all day. The simple feeling of missing you and the conversation we just shared fill me.

December 14, 2013
I think I've recently fallen for you once more. I wonder if you've seen any good movies lately, and if your mother has asked about me.

January 4, 2014
Another tally added to the list. All the times we shared I was just allowing you to tear me apart. I'm starting to hate you, and how wonderful of a human you were and how I wasn't good enough for you to give it your all.

February 5, 2014
Insomnia got me tonight. I wonder if you're laying awake at an ungodly hour like you usually do. I'm balling now, going on hour three. I can't seem to pinpoint where we went wrong. I don't miss you. I miss having someone to feel close to and someone I could tell stupid jokes to.

March 2014
You only cross my mind if that song comes on the radio. I don't miss you anymore. Sometimes I miss the way you made me feel. But I've got something so much better, and I thank you for showing me what I deserve. It wasn't you. I don't love you anymore.

Oh how quickly my view of food has changed
I honestly believe i'm going deranged
I used to be happy in my skin
Now whenever I eat I feel I have sinned
Ads in magazines showing me what I should be
My disgusting fat gone is what I want to see
I've been eating less and less each day
Yet my unsatisfaction with my weight always stays
May be you'll notice me when i'm thin
This deadly battle I will never win
The number on the scale has taken over my life
I don't know how much longer I can deal with this strife
They say "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."
So I decided to skip all my meals
I'll just continue starving myself to death
My self hatred will surely take my last breath

if you look into the essence of things
for long enough, the truth will manifest
that despite what the universe is telling you,
you don't really need that Big Mac, at best

a deep desire's unsatisfaction
is its only real redeeming feature
for its completion is its death, and worse,
your loan will not cover your expenses.

but the sacred only enters when life
is lived beyond need, and all of future
is a faded dream, with life completely

emptied of engineering, and the eye
in excess consumes the sun to suture
itself to night, so to see things frivolously.

Now I'm draining, oozing in it all
Soaking up the unsatisfaction
Of *not knowing

keep running until we ran out of breath.
why do we keep running?
what is the reason behind this exhaustion?
all we ever get is unsatisfaction.

why do we follow people,
who's following other people,
that is also following other people?

why do we avoid people,
who's following us?
and that people, avoiding,
who's following them.

give me an answer to this cycle
why do we keep chasing people
I feel like I'm running,
when here I am just waiting.

why do we run to the unknown?
why do we run all alone.
why do we convince our self
stay on the run 'til love is what we own

read my body
read my actions
read my lips
and groans of unsatisfaction

stop pretending to be blind
from the reality im not trying to hide

i’m not down for love
but a yes for lust
not for romantic dusts
and fleeting bonds
but a yes for drama and
golden nights

a.t.

The state of smoothness and rhythmic flow
The vibe of calmness and dimly glow
The sight of pleasantness and majestic show
The terrifying sound and unfinished piece
Is what it is, the feeling, the unsatisfaction
Even in poetry without no understanding of rhyme and flow
Is when I realized
It is life and how it is
That I will never be fully understood
That I have to live, me and my own mood
Trying to make some senses
From my own little lenses
Where I try to create paradise
Making the unfinished terrifying piece
A melodic heavenly harmony
Soothing to my only ear for my own understanding
That I live this life without any compromises.

today, I chose to unmake the memories
I untangled your hands from around my heart and set it back into my chest
this looks like forgetting but it’s not
it’s more than that
it’s erasing the lines of warmth I’ve penciled in over the hurt
I’ve stopped pouring sugar over the unsatisfaction
and started remembering us correctly
you see, I cannot recall myself stronger, less of a coward
when I was unwilling to rock a sinking boat
I must erase the imagined version of us where you knew exactly what I wanted
because I told you
the truth is, you cannot iron out the heartache without ruining the lies
it is impossible to handpick only the good memories
you cannot invent a fullness where there was something empty
so,
today, I chose to see the truth
to see all of our failures and shortcomings unredacted
and come out unscathed despite it

being unsatisfied as a default position doesn't make you satisfied in your unsatisfaction

Cities in a thousand flight
Lights in a million fight
Flashing a million-dollar night
Feeling of a holy might

Seems right
Nothing tight
Circle around it must be a fright
Know that is a trite
Sparkle altogether as those sprites

Float away in a bright
Wrap me as if my knight
Do not leave in blight
Or seep through as a knife

High in this life
Like my lush in the rush
Brush my blush
Royal flush
Hush!
I hear...

Casinos, clubs, grands
Never bland
Limitless in this golden land
Scent of a brand

Never know what to decipher
Getting doper
When to flower
Unspeakable thoughts
But felt if they are all already spoken

Do it need to be dark
Do it need to be blank
Or frank?
Do it need to be rude
Does it need a hood

Captures the mood
Of the billion fingerlings
Swing in the blings
Wings in the rings

Tingling to mingle
To not be single
The lips of meringue
In the hidden harangue

Fight or flight
Not in the big one
Not in the deadly one
But in the hustle bustle
Of the dog-eat-dog castle
Until it becomes a rat chasing away from a snake hassle

The hustle bustle
Ruffles my truffles
Exquisite expensiveness
Conceals breeze of loneliness

Golden feast
Chandeliers from beasts
Sounds of civilized life
But still finding
What is missing

Satisfaction from unsatisfaction
Know the fraction
Of attention
Amused reaction

Anything can be built
Quilt then wilt
Divided between humility and progress
But these are fortresses

Will you destroy?
Or employ?
Stay in the middle
I guess that is the best choice
In this walking riddle

"You make me hate myself"
I am frozen
I am paralyzed
The words seep into my brain desolving it like water over cotton candy
Like a meal to starving stray pup
Like a saline knife melting rapidly in my chest
Without warning or a time for protest I begin to feel the utter devastation overflowing a cotton candy pink ooze from my pores staining your bed sheets and then your mind.
Turmoil can be felt billowing and building beneath my fingertips which lay taut and stiff against your chest as you make every attempt to collect the broken glass, to sweep it from my under my eyelids to under the rug.
An admirable but ultimately digressive goal.
Each earnest attempt to redact the words burrows them further, more tangibly into my ears,
breaking the protective barrier named ear drum to find a lovely two story home behind my eyes.
"Talk to me"
The plea itself,
though honest and resolute robs me of the ability to make a sound in any direction, specifically yours.
The spiralling despair that becomes consciousness shrieks in discerning defiance.
My thoughts mustn't be released lest to reinforce the self hatred you've gathered from my dangerously weilded words that had so carelessly danced from my tongue to your own cotton candy solution performing a passionate display of ignorance and inconsideration
How can I know which words are rotten and which words are safe for you to eat?
How can I stand and watch, in complacency or in horror, while my speech cuts you down, chipping away what fragile pieces remaining of an already bloodied but beautiful masterpiece?
How can I continue to exist in your presence at all, knowing that every heartbeat, every breath, every kiss misplaced or not could cause such a reaction?
How do I tell you that my stomach is growling and the beast of my own self hatred smiles, knowing it too has received the promise of a meal fit for an exponential growth?
I don't
Urgent expectancy hanging in the air in a thick cloud of smoke
I fumble
flounder,
Grasping for air,
For words full bodied but empty enough to satisfy and not destroy you.
A uncalculated disaster spills from my mouth,
my words limp and painfully aware that they hold no content.
This is not enough for you.
Why is it you seem crave the blade of my tongue?
I will endeavor to dull it against every rock in my heart, mind and mouth as consequence for such a heinous crime as this.
I settle on,
"I'm just sleepy"
Unsatisfaction visibly conducting your movements as you wiggle me off your chest,
The distance between our hearts becoming personified
I lay face up, making patterns in the ceiling where you would see nothing I can see marks colored in every shade of defeat.
I watch them overlap for a time
And now
The sound of your snores seep into my brain dissolving it like water over cotton candy.