Temperatures drop inside my organic pump
and my rising sun
Has shed its last smile
Is it save out there?
Can I ignore their stares?
Is this my final goodbye?
Am I too unkind to eyes for social communication?
The day my lover died
I lost my will to breathe
For she was the only one
Who could ever relate to me
Like I said
Is it safe out there?
But who am I talking to?
I'm so glad I met you
I could never forget you

Sometimes i see no point
in trying to fix myself
only to be broken again.

It's funny. The way I feel when I see fresh line paper. Untouched and calling to me. I love it. So many possiblilities. So many beautiful things to be written. What's funnier is that when I get a new notebook, it sits there for weeks. And so it stays untouched. The funniest thing is I love to write and get things out so I can look at them in proof that these words exist. In some way. Some form. I don't know why it's so difficult. I know enough metaphors and hyperboles. All the contents to make my writing swell. Readable. But I honestly think what throws me off is that no one is reading. No one is connecting with my writings like I do to Chibosky and O'Hara. No one is waiting to love my next chapter because they haven't even seen the first. I am uninspired with endless suroundings of inspiration. And no one falls in love with a bore.

I sit here alone with this craving for him.
A thirst that can not be quenched.
My whole body aches, but my heart really explodes.
I'm losing my breath and the whole world is about to see how weak, incomplete, vulnerable and lost I truly am as a single functioning unit.
The "other half" that you all claim to meet does not have definition when not one bond on Earth compared to this sacred PASSION for each other we both shared.
No one has it. No one knows it. It is not even fair to talk about due to its unrelatable nature.
It is not something we should toss away.
I was stupid, I lied. I was everything inhumanly.
Most of all I lost you. And I let you lose something simply beautiful. I ruined it for you and I am sorry, SO SORRY, and I cry for you, and for me. I love you, I love you, I ******* LOVE YOU, and I'll do anything to be with you. I will **** for it. **** for you. Please, please, PLEASE!!!
I don't want to cry anymore,
I can't be without you anymore.
Here I go.

we’ve been lifted up by a legacy and we’ve crashed straight back down
unaware
wading through the heavy dust and the layers of blackened ash, kicking aside the smooth, curved pale shards which lay dormant like pieces of broken china
damaged and cracked through the ages
what was once a fellow human with the same thoughts, feelings, desires, wishes
we’ve been prematurely predisposed
to a society where it’s all okay to feel indifferent to this, pay no attention to the heroes of the past
to ignore all of the things we’ve ever been taught
it feels so distant and unrelatable
we’re blank and basically, bored
all we care about is how many drugs we can afford

Advance rhetoric/

         <<<<<----    \ backwards penmenship.

Eccentric.
 
                                    / Time traveler. \

Stone cutter / Lone brother self educator this burgeoning is unrelatable/

                                 Owls are known 2 meet secretly/

   Oh how they rush to copy this Animal behavior/

                               how does one mark a dead carcass?

                       I'm being watched by Star ships  as they zero in on this location/

               I told them WHEN instead of WHERE/

                 /The knowledge I've shared./

                               Helped those slay the BEAR !

Recognize.

/Take control of the petrified.

                           Remember there's TRUTH in all  lies.

          How is it that one can doubt me?
 A slave owner to those who touch the concrete.

 No discrimination. I have All The Time to wait.

They've sealed their fate. On a plate next to their mate  Because these stains just won't stick to me..
                          
                                 The World has NO mystery.

chasing rabbits -

chasing rabbits:
slowly...
   reimagining standing
still on a treadmill.     (502)

she had to come round for about two hours today, my neighbour, she must have sniffed out that i was making pizza... i love making pizza slightly tipsy... i did the house chores and started writing this, abandoned it, now that i returned to it... well, what could have possibly changed? pristine ******* dough... ooh... what a lovely cushion of flour and water and sugar and a pinch of salt and: yrast... i love the smell... hmm mmm hmm... these hands make magic... the pizza sauce? compliments on that, of course... what did i add? oh... just a read pepper... some paprika: i wish i used some Kashmiri chilly powder... perhaps i had... garlic... onion... blitzed... sieved... twice... plum tomatoes... itch of the juice: clenched teeth saliva boiling: juicy... thinking: my tongue is a knife... now i'm going into the garden and drink a beer, or two... try finding the moo... ah ha ha: moo! moon! ah-woo! no... quiet right... one needs a forest to find the howl! but at least i can bark... when some fox penetrates the gardens and the dogs start barking... i'll bark too! free! free! free! so my neighbour likes my cooking... great! am i about to think: capitalistically?! start a pizzeria?! i like do: what tool is expected to do... because... i have "other" concerns"... the whole veneer of interacting with people is: what it is: a veneer... i have to entertain both the Jezebel and the Sophia... Sophia is difficult: since she's as abstract as Athena... it's not a lost libido: it's not impotence... it's... why would i want to ******* if you're going to spend my Saturday afternoon shopping for ******* curtains... or... whatever?! oi! Libra! come 'ere! this weigh-in weigh-out doesn't make sense... can you apply your corrective scrutiny to the "problem"? - i do make some fine pizza... no one's taking... fair enough... fair ******* doubly enough... more for me... more for oblivion... to which i answer: ah-men.

тo йeст щыт:
to jest szczyt...
diese ist der gipfel!

it only happened once...
discouraging: "discouraging" a circle
or omicron from being a circle
and becoming an ellipse: a 0... a zero...

"god" is not a moralist...
he's an existentialist...
          "he" he not not "he"...
only in English is the phenomenon
of a pronoun "problem" prevalent...
shrapnel-tongue:
               schrapnellzunge -
it's so unusual for anyone speaking
in the Slavic tongue(s) to overuse
the pronoun: iota as much as the English do...

it's like Knausgaard mentioned
about the Swedes... a people that haven't
been invaded by another people for a while...
no memory of subjugation...
the cultural Cyclops(es) of the world...

the English are pretty much the same...
they're being invaded: politely:
by their standards...
mosque after mosque reiterations...
the implosions of the greatest empire
the world has ever seen...

what?! i'm like Voltaire... i'm not native:
i write what i see...
this is not an invasion: this is not a polite invasion:
this is not an implosion of the lost
pride and empire?

once ol' Lizzie dies... it's not like...
however many popes and prime ministers she
died will have died...
tyrannical matriarchy...
          
well... if... "if"... john wallis "invented" the lemniscate:
a concept and a compact symbol:
all the same... back in 1655... ∞
who "invented" the number 8 or the letter B?

i know who invented the letter B...
******* with modern feminism and all that
came prior with the Sibyls and Carmenta:
*******: modern woman!
i get my ******* elsewhere...
among women that still want to have some
joy in life... who else?! prostitutes!
no ******! because: we're symbiotic:
hygienic minded people!
   ******* with your
       cluster-****-of-****-*****-scabs!
flaking away... flaking away...
wash... your... *******... hands!

once upon a time women held very
important positions in society...
now? microwave ovens shoved that dream
right up our ***** with 12" ****** sticking
out...
         of course i'm *******!
why wouldn't i be?

     bitter? no... i just enjoy the plethora of emotions
that come with rage and doubt as much
as those that some with the soothing:
mollusk tenderness: melting... ice-cream
of ooh-oops of love...
           but...
                            b-b-b-b-ut...
something's itching me: i just heard
a quake of thunder in the sky through the loud
music playing in my earphones...
i'm on the right track...
           if there's lightning but no thunder...
esp. in the night: i'm suspicious...
but if there's thunder and no lightning:
comfort music... i must be hungry...
i think i'll sacrifice a chicken tow-toe-into-the-night...

(towing, a)

       let's just say: "hypothetically":
"god" created the pristine man... the advocate...
the priest... the "somewhat" and some "other"...
as curator for the basis of ontology..

the rest?! mutations: self-generated prejudices...
the original plan was X...
but the plan morphed and became Z...
there's no point blaming a deity for a lack
of intervention: who would want to entertain
the idea of free will while at the same time
succumbing to a c.c.t.v. "state" (of existence)?

life without effort is not worth living:
but then again: carrying the burden that ought
to be shared equally: for others...
Somalis... the English and their *******
anti-racism mantra: fair enough!
you abolished the slave trade...
fair enough! but now the English are
getting culturally ***** by their lenience!
a people that haven't been subjected
to conquest for a long, long... long time...

they have become: complacent!
   too agreeable! trust-worthy pilots flying to:
**** knows where... not even the seagulls know...
perhaps only in London...
elsewhere perhaps they're as thick-as-custard...
but in my vicinity...
            
a bit like my facebook page...
the "people you may know"... what? stalkers?
why is this coming up?
this website used to be dead for me for a while...
now i'm getting this "issue" with:
"people you may know":
i never used a dating application, but it's starting
to feel like i'm using one...
i'm swiping right sieving through:

uriel darl, souad dharhi, aura huckerthman,
   andressa wangel, yus ningsih, el drema,
gülan meriç(ch), ramina amores, kristina jodzkiene,
angie biada, consuelo siouxe, sulistiawatisetya setya,
Xриcтинa Линчкo (christina linchko),
             unayah naya, goharik javahiryan,
Гaлинa Лaщeнкo (galina lashchenko),
    nilufar shermatova, cecile valeron mmaacv,
Kaтя Пaлий, nelu medina, maryati pujiman,
cida oliv, thaizth mendezt, katell seignoux,
lorena ramirez, taylla kamylla, keyza adelia putri,
kelly martins, emma ryan, carnevale chiara,
douce tusorapas, sonia de flaviis,
              carmen antonela, rosalia delgado,
delpine lafontaine -, cegail rapley,
            ariel alear, aghori aaleem,
                   florine fremont, mary HM,
dorota zarzycka, tayana zakh, megan barfield,
helena maria soares, jan lose, perrine kali-yoga,
annie zhou, angel mawar, sabrina muhlberger
(that's with an umlaut hovering above the "yew"),
sylvie lescan... ****'s sake the list is endless!

i'm bored of listing all the "friend" suggestions...
all of them: women!

don't blame me! blame the algorithm!
i've never seen these women!

     nope... life's not interesting enough to be
fully sober...
not even close... life's make more sense drinking
and typing typos: finding TY-POS...
i don't imply: drinking in your face...
on the street with other winos...
i mean: drinking alone, at night...
   listening to foxes... spotting a rat scuttling...
admiring the moon...
thinking: how does one not write
a Chinese haiku... how does one?

    i'd love to find a woman that could cook
better than me...
i truly: would love to...
keeping the chicken at best the highet
of 165 degrees Fahrenheit...
medium rare beef... hmm... debatable...
145 degrees Fahrenheit is probably my maximum...
****... i think we're questioning 125...

i'm yet to find a woman who's...
pedantic about:
not butchering a piece of beef steak twice...
i can't... butcher a piece of meat twice:
corrupt it with the Arabic tendency
to obscure the fresheness of blood...
and that: stale... yuck... sawdust...
beef overcooked... in the format of steak...
i can't butcher a beef twice:
we know... it's obvious...
the males are segregated for the meat
while the females are kept for the milk...
no irony...
                  
          it was preordained:
no point cowering away from the cruelty
by replacing authentic meat with
vegetable substitutes...
or... synthentic cat-food pseudo-proteins...
or bean-burgers...
i sometimes roam the fields in Essex
and see the horses...
well... aren't you the lucky ones?
shouldn't you be... extinct?!

                   shouldn't they? why would you
need a horse... when you have a bicycle...
when you have a car?!
so... why keep them?
i'd love to pet a horse...
i loved riding horses...
not ******* Lamborghini no
rich boy ******* Ferrari will ever compare
to riding a horse through a forest
at full gallop!

               not even if i were getting a blow-job
in a car... speeding... in those sort of cars...
no... nein nein nein nein!

i'm immune to envy of that sort...
i'm against society as such...
  what?!    Q = ?!
                 isn't the western tradition invested
in individualism?!
                                   q

why would i need a car when living
in London...
when... i can cycle around London and back
in about 5 hours...
take the train to Liverpool St. in about 30 minutes...
i don't have to:
a) think about paying for parking
b) ditto about paying for road tax
c) m.o.t.
d) e) f) g) and any imaginary points
you might conjure...

               now... you give me a horse?
the game changes... i'd love something larger
than the already Maine **** cat that could come
across as a poodle (no, not a puddle)
size-wise...
    i love the coyness of horses...
            they really do require you to become
patient with you...
unlike those ****** of dogs that can immediately
run up to strangers and blah blah tail wiggle
and: whatever...
cats... semi-, on the spectrum...
horses though... brooding *******...
they take oh so long to gain their trust...

i was roaming the fields, the forest at night...
blasted: beyond comparison...
i forgot my apple,
i forgot my cube of sugar...
came across a herd of them...
gave one of them my hand to...
nibble... it nibbled...
then retracted: are you mad!
you're implying i'm readily willing to
eat man-flesh?!
it buckled... glancing my forehead
with its hind hoofs...
"buckled"... no...
the ****** almost knocked me out...
because it started nibbling on my fingers
"thinking" i might have a treat
of an apple in my hand...
massive teeth... buck-tooth...
even more massive hoofs...
    
         i sort of wished he knocked me out...
the last "thing" i would have seen
was the moon...
and the sheen of lubrication
of quicksilver pouring over almost everything...
like a: liquidified mirror...
        just like that: like a liquidified mirror...

how long will this tyranny last?
    i want to be as old as Plato and be as exhausted
as Plato...
and still retaining my heterosexual flaovuring...
of that rancid old man...
until that time comes...
        at my peak: i want to play with my
yo-yo...
                all the women that are interested are
either single mums or married women...
young girls are uninteresting:
i'm not a predator... i'm a herder...
         young girls are boring...
"boring": i.e. unrelatable...
    the sexes have diverged beyond
compensation...
                          funny that:
i'd rather spend an evening with a bottle
of whiskey than with a woman...
with a bottle of whiskey and my own thoughts
than with a woman...
                     even i am struggling to comprehend
this anomaly...
      
why talk? when you can be left alone
foraging for new music?!
akin to keluar's - vitreum?
                        i get the romance part...
but... the plan part i don't get...
   the plan being: i work... i work... i have no socks...
i pretend to have underwear...
i work... i work... i do overtime...
i come back home and... and...
     who does the cooking?! i hate her cooking!
she always overcooks the pasta!
she under-seasons the sauce!
                she can't do **** with yeast!
i make my own pizza... i cook my own food...
i get the romance aspect being sold:
but... what's the plan?!

           she already has children by some
other ****-wit...
i get the romance bit... but... what's the plan?!
i can cough up: pretty much all of my earnings for
her and her *******... i can make concessions...
by then: there's the plan...
but there's no longer the romance...

by now:
do i really want more? than simply a bed to sleep in?
can life afford me
any emotional adventure?
do i want it?
              i like my own company
too much to let anyone share it with me...
not out of a feeling of superiority...
just out of necessity... almost god-like...

         habitually: i'm just not used to having
people increment the details of my personal life...
i like them: behind a membrane...
a niqab...
                 i don't care where you put them:
i just dont want them near me!
except for the children and the animals...
i could spend an eternity with these two
classifications...

                 one night with Sharon Stone...
when Sharon Stone was Sharon Stone
and when te 1980s where the 1980s...
she just reminds me of: Samantha....
kissing Milena..
            
                               i really miss these girls..
i hope they forget me
with a burning: sensation ...

history will not be kind to us...
we'll be a laughing-stock of the ages...
let us pass.... let us pass:
into the lava lamp of Hades.

It’s that time of life when….

Your friends’ deaths didn’t come too soon
Your body is no longer as reliable as it was
Your dog dies and you wonder if it’s fair to adopt another
You smile at the first timers asking for senior discounts
You concern yourself far more with comfort than fashion
Words like cantankerous and curmudgeon fit much more snugly
Events in your lifetime appear with increasing frequency on the History Channel
Popular culture is completely unrelatable
All of the food choices you make contain the words “Low” and “Reduced”
Your energy is more potential than kinetic
Teenagers refer to your friends as Nana and Grandpa
Actuarial tables are not your friends
Your investments transition from growth to preservation
Your bucket list takes on a genuine sense of urgency
Because every experience may be the last

Sometime,
Somewhere,
When i'm not aware
our souls will connect,
full of unrelatable,
unconrolable and
irrational emotions.

Last year I went on a sick leave from work and I’m yet to be expected to return from it. After I left, not once have I comfortably thought about going back.

When I was still actively working I often made comments like: “this place is a mental institution” and “why do people here think there job title represents their identity or something?”. I realize now that place really is a mental institution, my whole experience reminded me of “One flew over the cuckoo’s nest” and they are unable to admit it because they are incapable to see it or better yet, they lack the capacity to change it. Ego, ego, ego and not a soul driven purpose to see in there.

Most of the men acted as if every bit of attention equaled a romantic interest or some quest into wanting to ****** them or wanting anything from them. Every little thing I did for myself, they strangely made it about them. It is one of the most bizarre situations I ever stumbled upon. Or the constant biased opinions of other people or about subjects totally unrelatable to them and then still thinking they have a realistic view on the matter, woow the ignorance from people who supposed to be highly educated.. Everyday I started to notice more and more, for example the insecurities of women and even worse the jealousy and the competition they constantly felt. Nothing empowering at all, instead they saw my healing and building capabilities as a weakness. Wooow. The toxicity really blew my mind. None of them are used to healthy environments to thrive in, instead they completely fall victim to the Ego Play and use manipulation to communicate with both men and other women. WOOOW.

Yes, I understand that this happens everywhere. But I’m writing this as a highly spiritual and empathic person, who never took part in these kind of behaviors. For me it’s extremely unnatural behavior to do anything consciously that isn’t good for the soul and I refuse to lower myself in such a way or any way for that matter.

At some point I even thought I was going mad for not being to relate to anyone or anything. I thought it must be me. I decided to stay not changing the way I am, while actually feeling extremely off about it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that people were mean () so there was no direct issue or anything. But I neglected to follow my intuition and chose easy money instead. The rest is history in what happened after, but it all came down to this one thing. I did not listen to the voice within when I saw that place for what it really was. Ha! Sooo this world’s problem in this age, but hmmkay..

My current environment is me, my home, my soul quests. I’ve decided to not entertain anything that doesn’t resonate with my heart anymore. In my case that meant breaking up all my relationships in order to make way for my kind of people. Because I know they are out there, wanting to connect with me too. I’m excited about my environment again. So to whomever that needed to read this and recognizes a bit of themselves: Always listen to the voice within. It will always be the right thing to do.

classic.fm Fridays: Jonathan Woss' movie hour, or two... then Sue Perkins ******* off to Antarctica... my favorite female comedian: but only if she doesn't do stand-up but does classical music d.j'ing.

Of the skies above
and of the skies below...
I'm waiting for the winter
and the glistening sparkle
of stars in the cold
of concrete in captured
fright of water immobilised
by... "something"...
until then...
         classic.fm on a Friday
night... movie night music...
'ans Zimmer...
t"omas Newmann...
John Williams...
    ever so strangely how:
classical music composed
for a movie resonates more...
than anything orchestral...
no I don't mean the recluse
genius of taming an instrument
to it's full pontentiality:
Chopin's nocturnes...
or that that's Bach...
               but like jazz isn't really jazz
when it comes to jazz-orchestration
of... what's his name...
no, not Barrinton Levy:
murderer... murderer...
not jazz as Duke Ellington bonanza...
the shady primo -esque
reminiscence of a rock band
the quintet of:
drums, bass, piano, trumpet,
sax...
Friday night is all about
that Red Hot Chilli Pepper
song: throw away your television.

p.s. and still shy of at least
two hours to eat my Thai red
curry
while finishing all the 9h of
a Polish t.v. about
a Slovakian mountain robber:
Janosik...
           or the movie adaptation
of the original sci fi:
Jerzy Żuławski...
    on the silver globe...
***-mission: Juliusz Machulski...
dear oligarchs:
this isn't a Hebrew diaspora...
what the **** are you throwing
at me, this these people so
drone like: unrelatable
in the minimum wage bracket
of simply happy earning enough
to eat a sugar inflected
hum-of-chew-to-a-hamburger!