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Michael Mar 2019
Describing a User Trial
(a Section Commander's story)

In Vietnam I most enjoyed the ambush because it is static.
And if you use your head you can **** from comfort without the need
For fire-and-movement which is a physical business at the best of times.
And in ambush you are often placed as part of a group, without responsibilities; Because they are assumed by that particular ambush commander,
Which is a relief and relaxing.

Most ambushes are triggered at night, but this one happened by day.
It was company sized, and memorable for other reasons too.
3 Section, my section, was deployed in three groups like an elbow:
Two being part of the killer-group and the other one part of flank-protection.
That's where I was, on the flank.
It was the Dry-Season.

Although it was a good killing-ground I was concerned by the
Lack of cover to our particular front; that is the part of the ambush for which I was
Responsible. My concern was the track because it curved about my section's elbow, And we, the flank-protection, could not see more than six feet through the thick, Secondary growth that grew between it and us.
It made for good concealment, but would never hinder an assault.

The plan was that the Platoon Commander would trigger the ambush with his M16.
He would know when to do this because our Platoon Sergeant had been given
Some sort of box dial, attached by wire to two metal spigots. These were
Buried in the ground one hundred metres to either flank of our position to transmit, They said, the ground vibration of the enemy's approach. It was on trial and had not Been used before. A neat devise for early-warning we supposed.

Our Claymores were sited to cover the killing-ground.
They were to be detonated so soon as the Platoon Commander fired his weapon.
3 Section's mines were under the control of lance-corporal Frank Chambers.
He was clever. He could compile workable, section piquet lists, with staggered sentry times. Try doing that in the rain. I never could.
So I was content with my lot, excepting this patch of secondary growth to my front.

As I remember it the day was hot and very lazy. We had a man alert in every group
And the guns were manned. Otherwise we sprawled at ease, hunting shade,
Fantasy, mind-escape. Sergeant Maloney will give plenty of warning;
Remember the o-group? Those spigots live on the end of one hundred metres of wire And will transmit the ground vibration of any approaching footfalls.
One hundred metres is a fine, relaxing distance - we thought.

But then it happens; without warning the day erupts:
With a shattering, terrifying, and continuing roar the daylight turns black.
A rolling, cloud of grey dust puts out the Sun. Something hot plinks my side. There is Too much noise. And in the raging dark my mind begins to scream:
'What happened to the ****** signal, John? The ******* early warning'.
And I begin to hurl hand-grenades as high and as far to my front as I can:

Take up the grenade.
Rotate the safety bail (Why didn't we have these in Australia?).
Ease out the pin, rise up; draw back the arm,
Let fly the lever. Hurl the grenade.
Count two, three, crouch, take up the grenade.

Ingleburn might raise its hands in horror but my air-bursting hand-grenades
Are based on the premise that we have engaged a small, advance party of the enemy.
And I want to deter it's main-body forming up on the other side of my bit of
Scrub then assault through it from the dead ground.
And remember we are blind. Hence, take up the grenade,
Rotate the safety bail, ease out the pin, etc.

Memory has the action lasting many hours, a long, long time.
But in reality it must have been all of two minutes before the noise begins to falter And the echoes of the guns slowly fade away.
And the World, unmoving in the awful silence,
Slowly turns to white
Beneath the settling dust.

Through the quiet, distant voices, begin to murmur.
‘Cease-fire’ is ordered and the day resumes.
I pass the order on then change my magazine.
Frank comes over with the Section's casualty and ammunition count.
No one has been hurt but we have used a lot of ammunition.

Frank reports 'three "Nogs" moving into the killing-ground.'
One noticed a claymore and Frank says he had no option but to fire.
He is nonchalant, unexcited about the killing.
When he has gone I lean into the shade of a tree and light up a cigarette while Reflecting on the body out there alone and still, and sweating in the Sun.

Finishing my cigarette I go to find our Platoon Commander. He is with the Major.
At CHQ, while Ronny Jarvis curses (we did use a lot of ammunition),
Guy Baggot inspects my ****** side with interest. 'A bit more to the right
Would have given you a ****** good scar.' He says.
What happened to the early warning device? The dial, the cable and the spigots
Go out with the next chopper. We never hear of them again.
This was a trial, an experiment that did not work. It was like when they wanted to trial dehydrated rations which we received - in the dry season. We hated those boffins, but in those days we hated everybody who was not us.
Elliott Jun 2017
"It was just a joke, stop being so serious."

I haven't been to church since I was 14.

At age 7,
I was introduced to my new baptist church.
I recited scriptures and played game and was always excited to go.

At age 12,
I was heading into middle school and won the church's bible challenge.
I was queer, I was Christian, I was unexcited to go to church.
It felt like everyone was staring.

When I was 13,
I had my first kiss with a girl,
my first major girl crush,
my first run in with homophobia.
My classmate said **** off with someone else,
my church said mothers should protect their children from homosexuality.
I wondered what was wrong with that.
When I was 13,
I watched my mother clap to the pastor not knowing she had one.
I watched the youth church pastor make fun of queer kids, not knowing he had some in the room.
I watched a girl I knew was gay clap along like she wasn't one of them
-one of us.
When I was 13,
I watched my first crush date my best friend,
she didn't want anyone to know she was gay.
When I was 13,
I came out to my family.

When I was 14,
I went to church for one last time,
A woman prayed the devil take this phase out of me, and put the holy spirit in.
I broke down in Walmart afterwards.

My mother said I never had to go back to that church again.
I still have some dreams about it.

When I was 15,
I declared no religion, I declared no ties to anyone.
I was just black & queer.
Churches make me nervous
ryn Jul 2014
Feels so heavy this beating stone in my chest
Like an anvil strung up by a thin fraying thread
In my heart, happiness feels like a regular guest
It comes for a while, but always leaves me with dread.

When it leaves, there is void ever so cloying
This void it seems to be adamant on being empty
I'd mope and seem unexcited about anything
I fail to see life and all of it's beauty.

Much dreaded, this feeling of overwhelming miss
Oh I simply hate it when I feel this way
Maybe all I want is if only I had her to kiss
Wishing I'd have more of her time in a day.

I can't think like this, I should not be selfish
I must learn to accept she has her own worth living
Deep down inside, I'm fighting my own skirmish
I'd say it's alright but it seems untrue, to myself I'm lying.

I guess this is the relationship between love and pain
One can't just be without first inviting the other
My innermost and most intimate I so have lain
What I want most, isn't what I'm allowed right now, right here.

I often had wished I was in another time
I always have hoped I'm in a different place
A time where our hearts were speaking in rhyme
A place where we'd forever be face to face.

It's just so hard to be a part of a cruel trick
Seems unjust to be played like little game pieces
The locks to happiness I'd forever try to pick
For happiness is having you loving and embracing me endless.
Moris Jul 2012
I want to love. But who doesn't? I want the specialty, the confidential of love. I want to be with you at 4:30 pm on a Thursday, staring at your ceiling listening to the heater. I want to be unexcited, because I think love can sometimes be that challenging. I want to stare into your soul again, as I have many times before. And you utter my name softly, then drift into sleep with that satisfaction.
I want unsullied thoughts. While no, not a clean slate, but purity.
Snow.
A hug to radiate shivers down my spine and force cheeks to blush and teeth to flutter.
Mislead to Antarctica by our clutter.
I want your sanctuary, the cove of your heart, tie a tent, and weave our decisions into hammocks which cradle  promise and hope.
And I have sipped, in consistency, to discover you exist at the bottom of bottles. And you have tarnished the coffee table.
I want long drives on Sunday. To escape the complexities which plow our emotions. I want to drag you to the mall, and you roll your eyes and check the time on your cellphone every seven minutes. I want to crawl into bed at two in the morning when I get home from work, to hear your snores and fit into the mold that your body made so innate. I want *** in an alleyway with you because the mattress is worn and wine is the taste of passion. More so with you, because I cannot imagine anyone else. I want to listen to music while in love again, because it sounds completely different. I want that booming laughter back which trails you are an idiot. But so am I. I want you back because I am an idiot. I am too human.
Once wrapped in arms, now tangled in this heart.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for accidentally lying when I said I wanted to be with you.


I think perhaps I fall in love often – I fall hard and fast, without remorse or concern.

I think perhaps I fall out of love often – I grow tired and bored, unexcited and suppressed.

Unfortunately I fall in love before others and I fall out of love before others. I leap into the arms of people who aren’t ready to commit, then walk away just when they are ready to endure.

I hurt people. A lot.

I’m not sure when it started, but its still going on. I can think back on 3, 4, 6 people in the last few years that I have broken it off with after I promised them love. I left without warning, without hesitation. I feel bad about it because I don’t want to hurt people, I don’t want to cause pain, but I feel that letting things fester while I am unhappy in a relationship is worse.

It still hurts. I still watch tears fall. I am still avoided when passing on the sidewalk. I am still badmouthed in fraternity bathrooms and in social media. I watch my best friend and lover become someone who hates me, who wants to cause me pain, who then spreads my secrets and laughs at my failures.

I don’t want to hurt people anymore, so perhaps it is best that I do not date. Perhaps it is best if I never commit or kiss anyone without the careless and superficial setting of a night club dance floor. Perhaps I need to mature and wait until I can find peace and stability, where I won’t switch between adoration and frustration so quickly and suddenly.

My friend might have been right when she said “I don’t think you can be in a relationship right now.”

Maybe I can’t be. Even if I can, maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I should just accept that I need to wait for life to take its course and should stop trying to capture every shining opportunity that I happen to meet in the library, the pool, a coffee shop, or the gym.

Maybe I should let those opportunities go past and should wait for the ones that come when I am older. Perhaps I should wait for the golden opportunities I pass in the grocery store, at work, in line for the DMV.


Is my maturity the issue? Am I subconsciously not ready to commit myself to someone? Do I have some twisted sadistic sense of humor in which I like tricking people into thinking I love them?

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for accidentally lying when I said I wanted to be with you. I’m sorry for when I made up some ******* excuse about why it wasn’t going to work when the reality is that I was bored and restless.

To you – M, B, L, M, A, and R.  I’m sorry that I am a *******. I’m sorry that the devil has blue eyes.

You are better off without me than you ever would have been with me.
Freds not dead Mar 2011
You’ll sit around with your girls
Drinking cheap wine
You never open the blinds
Leave the light out
What you think doesn’t move me
I’ve almost starved trying to feed myself on you
I hope you call me crazy and laugh at my words

I burn bridges to create
I can’t get inside of you without tension
Without some form of heartbreak
Imagined or created by fire

If we had stayed clean, unstained
Unmoved, unexcited
I would have stayed that lovely catatonic color.

I filled myself to excess on your beauty
Your cool-head lack of insanity
The way you clung to my neck
Pecked
At my bones
The quiet mornings with your body arching
Your fingers in my hair

I burn bridges
Because they are practical and boring
You meet on the bridge
You don’t scream from your gut from the river bank

I can’t say I haven’t tasted sweetness
Like a syrup in my filthy mouth
Fruits turn gray
Fingers scratch the skin after the collapse.

I burn bridges because of my obsession with fire
With devouring,
With the passions that destroy

You lay in bed scared of Death
And jealousy is all I’ve got left
You wake up and you go to work
And your co-workers smile
And you smile and you mean it, the smile.

I can’t fit that anywhere.
Mr Xelle Oct 2014
I wonder sometimes about the former friends
Then I look at you and I don't want you to be a former friend.
I never want you to get unexcited when I come.
Or slowly don't text don't call no more "hey let's hangout friend".

Yes I'm scared if you leave me for another friend.
That's why when they chill I stay distant or over talk you to act like there funnier then you.

I only write this cause you do it to me
You make me feel bigger in something's but smaller in others.

I sound weird but your awkward
Dang if you leave that's a ******..
angel aquino Jan 2016
People met for a reason
either a blessing or a lesson
our story began in the most unexcited way
like i don't know what more to say
we started from friends
until we held each others hands
never knew that a love so sweet
would be the same reason that i wanted to stop my heartbeat

does it made you feel better?
to make me plead and suffer
to something that we built
didn't expect that the world will tilt
Despina Jan 2021
one afternoon I said to myself
“Why isn’t the joy leaner?”
Are you upset by how heavyset it is?
Does the joy make you shiver?
does it?

down, down, down into the darkness of joy,
gently it goes.
just like an ******, is the joy.

one afternoon I said to myself,
“why isn’t the playfulness lighter?”
does playfulness make you shiver?
does it?

One afternoon I said to myself
“the giggling is not unexcited! the giggling is exceptionally nervous.
a giggling is emotional
a giggling is a drunk
a giggling is on pins and needles however
Bryce Nov 2019
Were I not in love with you,
The rivers would run dry--
The grass, grown gold with age
Where hills rattle with the cry
Of those blades

I would I were in love,
And float upon your mists
Travel to far lands
And lost to all your minds

With you my love,
I would dance
Wither my voice away
Calling upon your name--

The pungent fruit of tropics,
The shining jewel of cave
Your voice guides me as a dog
Garnering the scent

I would lie upon the fields
And tell you how
Humans are like tulips

Bright buds dancing in the wind

You smile, and it was good.



Love I will span the gaps between the world
I will fill the empty oceans
With thoughts of you
I will leave no electron unturned
No atom unexcited
In the prospect of knowing you

Do not give up on my spine,
On my bones,
On this calcium

On vital thoughts
And serious winds
Do not walk away from the field
And leave them in the rain.
tonylongo Apr 2020
when will someone finally say
that they LIKE being quarantined?

There must be somebody -
anchorite,
stylite,
monastic,
isolationist,
people who would rather stay six light years
than six feet apart.

Tell me how impossibly far away from me
you want to be, baby;
ooh, yeah, I'm getting unexcited.
unexcited
unrequited
fell too hard
constantly reminded
but you seem fine
clear of mind
not wasting one bit
of your precious time

and even though it's killed me to get to this point

i'm excited
that i may never see you again
can't deny it
no longer made to endure your toxic friends
i'm so excited
to never see you again
unrequited
love meets a bearable end

tried to hide it
but i was vibrant
a future that
you never sighted
all seemed fine
peace of mind
till i realized
the dream was mine

and though you tried to blame by saying it was my choice

i'm excited
that i may never see you again
can't deny it
no longer made to endure your toxic friends
i'm so excited
to never see you again
unrequited
love meets a bearable end

— The End —