I find myself taking breaths but not breathing
Gasping even for the slightest chance of a comforting breathing pattern.
This anxiety has me on my knees. Like a thief it's stolen my breath and my strength
The dizziness sprinkles hovering over me slow and faint...
I'm lost, but not lost...
I'm here, but the room spins, and I fear I may faint
The more people I see and hear the more dizzy I get
Eyes find me...
They watch me pretend to be fine
I'm pale and clammy
I want to disappear
Tears want to fall but I'm able to keep them in for a while
When they finally fall I say that I'm fine
I only need to sit down and get home, I say I am tired
This will pass, it always does
Another day ruined, because I have to go home...
My families face blanketed with disappointment...
Another trip failed
I feel their eyes and thoughts of shame and frustration
In my mind I hear the wishes
This kills me more than the burden of anxiety alone
I feel as if I never should have left home
I want to be part of my family, but when I'm in my room...
I feel they are much more happy and things are as they should be
These thoughts bring me tears even now
I'm so **** tired of letting them down
I spiral into darkness and depression, with an anxieties jacket
And I feel them question me, as if I wasn't cursed and this was just me being mean
I sink down inside me and pretend I don't know what they think
Once in a while I'll hear I'm a control freak
Once in a while I hear I am ******
I get blamed out loud for all of my *******
Since I'm definitely flawed I know there's truth to it
This, is what's heart breaking to me
And me, knowing I'm broken, it sends me deeper into my room...
I'll take my **** meds in an attempt to **** what feels like hate
But on this journey I'm still alone, even when they say they understand
I've seen way to many eyes rolls to think that they know my torture
And they will never understand my real guilt...
They will never believe that even with my emotions fighting inside my heart and soul, my real torment is that I ruin thier day
And I'm afraid that it makes me so much less...
I feel some times I shouldn't even exist
My selfish heart won't let me leave...
I love them, so much I can't imagine giving in
I love them so much I feel shame and selfishness....
Feeling low lately. But I'm alive . tomorrow I'll be fine. Thanx for coming along for the ride. You Can also search me on FB under Life's Poetry . thanx for your time